Reckless Mind (6 page)

“This
,” I said with just enough attitude. “Is what I am doing here. You. Are. Welcome.” I spat each word in his direction before turning to Jax. “I'm sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances,” gesturing to my head. “But I'm...”

“Kahlen,” Jax said my name as if slightly out of breath. My eyes met his, warm and aqua blue, a crooked smile turned his lips up and I thought it was the cutest thing. He was as tall as Brandon, same type of build, but where Brandon was dark...dark hair, dark lashes, dark and brooding mood, Jax was his opposite.

I smiled back at him, nodding. The way Emma described him as being too good looking was pretty damn close to the truth. He stretched out his hand to shake mine, and my nerves started coming to the surface. I didn't want to be rude, but I really didn't want to touch him either. Begging my mind to not take me to hell in this moment, I let my gaze flicker to Brandon. He studied me in a way that made me feel naked, it unnerved me.

“For fuck's sake, Jax, she doesn't want to touch your gross sweaty ass. Just tell her thanks for the food and get your fine self in the shower.” Jax dropped his hand looking almost shy as his eyes darted to Emma. He headed down the hallway, and I sighed in relief at not having to touch him.

But Brandon had touched me...several times in a matter of minutes. When he touched me I didn't think to pull away, it didn't send me into flashback mode, I wasn't throw-up nervous...more like I-think-your-hot-and-I-might-want-to-kiss-you nervous.

He was tender with me in those moments. The way his fingertips touched my skin, how he gently held my hand in his, and the way he spoke to me when he leaned in close to my ear. But then he opened his mouth and all that went to hell. A walking question mark that man. I stopped to wonder what he must think of me. I kept freaking out around him, of course he wanted nothing to do with me, and that explained how he spoke to me most of the time.

Deep down I knew it was more than that though, whether it was his own issues or a problem he specifically had with me I wasn't sure. After Jax left the room Emma said she was going to find her purse in Brandon's bedroom. I wanted to tell her to bring him back a shirt to put on, but I liked how my pulse quickened when I looked at him.

Brandon watched his sister's retreating form, and once she was clearly out of sight he took a tentative step closer to me. “I'm always being rude around you.” It was said as a statement, which I was appreciative of his awareness of his own actions. I simply nodded my head keeping my eyes on his approaching half naked body. “Are you sure you're alright?”

Brandon was standing right in front of me again. He didn't move to touch my face, but he did let his fingers brush along mine at my side. Those warm brown eyes looked tortured, and all I felt like doing was making it better. I don't know if it was because something in him reminded me of the broken parts of myself, or because I found him gorgeous, but I, Kahlen Jourdan took a step toward him of my own free will.

It just wasn't enough, I wanted to touch him, and more importantly I wanted him to want to touch me. I leaned around him a little, thinking if I broke his gaze I might get my body to do what I wanted it to instead of constantly being pulled to him, and picked up the dirty plate from the counter
. His hand stopped my arm quick, his fingers ran down the inside of my forearm over a jagged scar there. Instantly, I was snapped out of my dumbfounded trance.

Dropping the plate down on the counter, luckily it didn't break, I pulled at sleeves that weren't there.  My face felt flush and I started to feel light headed. Brandon's strong hands grabbed my hips holding me in place, but I couldn't stay there. He touched a part of me, one of the more brutal punishments I'd ever received, and he'd done it in such a gentle way. It should have warmed my heart to him even more, instead it only made me remember how I got it.

I didn't get thrown into a flashback, like I would've thought, maybe because his hand on my hip grounded me in the present, I didn't know. But it more than reminded me of the baggage I came with, and I knew I wasn't good enough for him, he deserved someone who was whole, whose mind wasn't so reckless with the person it controlled.

Moving his hands from my hips, he slowly snaked them around my waist pulling me into him. Aside from Emma, I had never been hugged before, and I just stood there with my arms hanging at my sides. The arm around my waist held me securely to his bare chest, the fingers of his other hand drawing small circles across my back. My breathing evened out, the more deep breaths I took the more I breathed Brandon in.

I moved to return his embrace, stopping when I heard a door open. Brandon obviously heard it too because he released me so quickly, not looking at me or saying a word, and he took off out the front door. All the heat in my body seemed to leave with him, and I had such a deep feeling to go after him. Instead, I plastered a smile on my face seconds before Emma walked back into the kitchen.

Chapter 5

Staring at the door wouldn't make Brandon come back, but I did it anyway. Emma started moving+ around the kitchen, as I stood bracing my hands on the counter, throwing the dishes in the dishwasher. She sang some song horribly off key, but danced around the kitchen easily. One time I would have to see if she would join me for a dance class at the center.

“Brandon jump in the shower too?” She came and stood next to me. I only shook my head, staring at the door remembering the way he took me into his arms. “He left?” Nodding, I felt like she wanted more information out of me, but somehow I felt that would be betraying Brandon. He never admitted to coming to me like she'd asked, and I was sure he wouldn't want me saying anything about the moment we shared in the kitchen. “Whatever. I'll go knock on the bathroom door and let Jax know we are heading out and we can head to the house. Brandon may have gone there, though I doubt it since he was all gross when he got back here.”

Emma's definition of gross and mine are obviously completely different. Seeing her brother sweating, muscles tight from working out...yeah, nothing about that turned me off. Not even a little bit. I felt myself flush thinking about Brandon's body. “You all right, Kahlen? You didn't hurt your head too bad, right?” I shook my head. My head was just fine, it was my body starting to have a mind of its own in regards to Brandon. She told Jax we were headed out and we'd be back later, and we headed to my car.

“How many people are usually at their parties?” My mind wondered as I drove the short distance to Emma's parents' house. Past experience didn't have me exactly excited about the idea of this party tonight, but I told Emma I would try. I hoped the more I put myself in situations that could throw me into a flashback I'd be able to overcome it, and it would help me more than do me harm.

“A lot, but don't worry, the guys will be sure you are okay, and I'll be by your side too,” smiling reassuringly at me, I wondered how I got lucky enough to have Emma as a friend. “Jax doesn't drink very much, never enough to get drunk that's for sure. By the way he looked at you this morning I'd say he doesn't plan to let you wander too far tonight.” She let out a small giggle shooting me a wink.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Just, you know, he seemed interested in getting to know you a little more. Jax is a nice guy, he's got a lot of friends, but he's picky. I've only seen him look at a few girls the way he was looking at you in his kitchen.”

I didn't want Jax's attention, and it confused me why Emma was saying that stuff. She liked him, I could see it in her eyes. Plus, there was something about Brandon...I wanted to be the one to take away the haunted look in his eyes, the one who he told everything to. Finding my own way through the darkness in my mind when I was pulled into it was hard enough, but my heart pulled to Brandon in a way I never wanted and never expected. I couldn't stay so locked inside myself that I missed life passing me by, even if it meant knowing I was letting someone get close to me who seemed he might have just as many demons running through his mind, pulling him into the past exactly like me.

Pulling up to Emma's parents' house I tried to push Brandon out of my mind. Her mom, Jules, answered the door and gave Emma a big hug. Ushering us into the foyer, she had a big smile on her face. “So this must be Kahlen.” It wasn't a question, but since she saw me a couple weeks ago when I took off it made sense she knew who I was.

“Yes, hi Mrs. Lucas, it's so nice to meet you. And I'm really sorry about showing up the last time and getting Brandon upset.” Why? Why in the first five seconds did I have to bring up her son? I stuck my hand out to shake hers, telling myself the little bit of contact was something I could do. She took my hand and pulled me into a hug, telling me to call her Jules.

“Brandon will be okay, I'm sure of it.” Her eyes searched mine, looking for what I wasn't sure, but she sensed something about me like any good mom would. I don't know if she could tell I was closed off to people or I might like her son, either one made me a little uncomfortable.

I smiled, “When I just saw him he seemed okay. I mean, more than okay...he looked good. Not good, like
good
, but he, well...” Oh. My. Gosh. Diarrhea of the mouth much. Emma giggled behind me and Jules had a beautiful smile on her face. “I'm sorry. He seemed like he was doing fine when we saw him after his run this morning.”

“Kahlen made Brandon breakfast, ma,” she said sweetly.

“I made everyone breakfast, Emma,” shooting daggers at her from my eyes, I hope she got the point to stop speaking. “Then unfortunately I smacked my head into the cabinet, but it's okay.” Pointing to the red welt on the side of my head I saw Jules grimace a little.

“Brandon made sure to check her out personally. In the kitchen. In front of me and Jax,” Emma piped up. If she didn't shut up soon I was going to knock her over.

“You make it sound like he did something out of the ordinary,” I rolled my eyes at her. Turning, directing the conversation to Jules, “He just touched the mark to make sure it wasn't too tender, and had me open my eyes so he could check my pupils I think.”

“And I'm sure the part where he held your other hand was just to keep track of your pulse, right Kahlen?” Those mischievous green eyes looked at me basically laughing all on their own. “There's a lot you don't know about Brandon, but the way he was with you this morning when he thought you were hurt, well he hasn't...” But she was cut short.

“Emma why don't you show Kahlen around the house, and then take her to your room. Thank goodness you are taking some of her clothes sweetie, I was starting to think I was going to have to call hoarders for her,” she laughed to herself. “I'm making lasagna for dinner, and it's family dinner night tonight, don't forget.” I looked questioningly at Emma. “That means you too Kahlen, we'd be happy to have you. Dan will be back in a few hours, and Brandon should be here, well I'm not sure when, but he never misses it.”

“Oh, I wouldn't want to impose. I can head on out when we are done upstairs.” I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay so badly. It would be like being a part of a real family, where you sat down and ate together, and talked about your day and all the things you had going on in your life.

“Just shut it Kahlen, you are staying and that's that. Now get your drop dead gorgeous body up to my room and we can see what you want to take from my closet.” A hopeful look passed from Jules to Emma, though I couldn't read into it any more than that because Emma started yelling at me to move my ass up the stairs.

Her closet was amazing. It was a small walk-in, but with all the built in shelving and drawers it fit so much clothing and shoes in there I couldn't believe what I was looking at. We took our time going through everything and talking. I didn't elaborate much on myself considering there really wasn't much to tell, but Emma told me stories of her and Brandon growing up. Her stories of him seemed so different to the way he was now, but I figured that wasn't my business, and the only person who would make it my business would be him.

Emma said he could play the guitar, and he used to play all the time but now he only played on slow nights at the bar he worked at, or sometimes with the guys on the weekend. They took family vacations every year and Brandon was always the one getting hurt or sick, but he never wanted it to stop him so he'd continue on with everything. She had so many wonderful stories, even if all of them weren't completely happy, they were because all her family was together and they loved each other. It was a foreign concept to me.

After a few hours I was confident my closet had grown tremendously in size. “Thank you so much for doing this Emma, I appreciate it.” I thought about giving her a hug, then chickened out for a couple seconds, then leaned into her and awkwardly wrapped my arms around her. It caught her off guard because she just sat there for a second before returning the hug.

We made our way back out of the closet into her room. It was like a grown-up version of a child's princess room, it was stunning. The walls were a soft lavendar with white moldings at the ceiling, and the walls had the same molding going across it, a little lower than where the middle of the wall would be, and the lower portion of the wall was a darker purple paint that looked like it was covered in lace.

The white four poster bed was huge, the posts going all the way to the ceiling. A mixture of white lace, white silk with small purple rosettes, purple with white rosettes, and plain light purple curtain panels were hung on each of the four rods that went from one poster to another forming a square around her bed. She had so many pillows on her bed I couldn't believe it, but it was clearly for decoration because no one could sleep laying on that many pillows.