Reckless Mind (7 page)

There was a white desk with a computer on it over in the corner. A small reading nook, with about a hundred more pillows in all different shapes but in the purple, white, mint green color palette, were next to a floor to ceiling built in book shelf that actually had a small step ladder next to it so she could reach the books at the top. A door on the far side of the room led to a bathroom. The walls were purple and white paisley print, with some mint green splashed throughout, and it looked gorgeous.

“Can you run down stairs and get some cokes from my mom? My throat feels like the Sahara,” she dramatically grabbed her throat acting like it was extremely hard for her to swallow. Laughing, I went out of her room and down the stairs. I heard soft mumbling as I got closer to the kitchen.

“She said you looked at her, like you'd woken up to...just that she, that none of us have ever seen you like that,” Jules voice was hushed.

“Well Emma needs to keep her mouth shut because she doesn't have any idea what she's talking about.” That was definitely Brandon. “You know how Emma gets, she wants to believe whatever will make
her
happiest, and apparently this is her new project.” His voice sounded a little strained, like he wanted to talk to his mom, but he didn't at the same time.

“What aren't you telling me Brandon?” Her voice was concerned, probably thinking I was some crazy person set to make her daughter disappear.

“Nothin, ma. She's just...Kahlen is different. I don't know what it is about her, and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing.” He sighed in frustration. Yep, definitely talking about me. “I...I don't know, she just seems so much like me when I get...” then his voice stopped. I don't know if he was just at a loss for words, or if his mom knew what he meant. Only problem was
I
didn't know what he meant by that. I took the silence as my chance to make a little noise so they knew I was coming and not start their conversation back up.

I turned the corner of the kitchen and both their heads turned my direction. Jules gave me a warm smile, but Brandon's face was neutral. He looked like he was going to walk my direction for a second, but adjusted his body firmly in place at the island in the middle of the kitchen. He had showered since I saw him at his apartment, and had on jeans and a plain grey shirt. Messing with the watch on his wrist, he moved and pulled his hand through his hair giving me a peak at his stomach right above his jeans. Taking a couple steps toward him, I was being pulled by an invisible string binding us together.

“Sorry if I interrupted, I seem to do that a lot,” a blush crept across my face as I finally willed my feet to stop moving. My eyes daring to look at Brandon, his intense gaze didn't waiver from mine. “Emma wanted me to grab something to drink.” I smiled being polite, and Jules motioned with her head to Brandon.

“We keep all that in the extra fridge in the basement, so Brandon can take you down there and show you where it is. From here on out you can just help yourself whenever you need something from there sweetie.” She rubbed my shoulder as she commented about having to run to the store because she forgot something she needed for dinner. Brandon kissed her on the cheek as she grabbed her keys and purse off the counter saying goodbye.

“This way,” his tone wasn't as icy as usual, but it still didn't hold the warmth from when he spoke to me ever so briefly this morning in his kitchen. The basement wasn't at all what I'd expected. They had everything finished and the décor was beautiful, from the dark leather couches and chairs, to the big TV sitting on an entertainment center that looked like it was built right into the wall. A pool and foosball table sat over towards one corner. There was a smaller room that had a computer and a bunch of papers scattered across the desk it all sat on. Another door was shut, I assumed it was the laundry room.

“Your parents have a beautiful home. They must work very hard for what they have.”

“You don't have to tell me that, this isn't my place.” Back to the biting my head off. Great. “The fridge is back in there where the laundry room is, it's the unfinished part of the finished basement.” Rolling his eyes he seemed like he wanted to be anywhere but there with me in that moment. He turned to walk back up the stairs.

“Brandon,” my voice was weak and qu
iet when I needed to sound self-confident and strong. “I really am sorry for everything.” I continued quickly before he could interrupt me or tell me to stop. “I didn't mean to intrude when you were having a private conversation with your mom. Then when you came to my apartment I was surprised, and I don't do well with surprises, as I'm sure you could tell by the tone of my voice. I'm sorry if me being in your apartment earlier bothered you.”

He turned slowly back toward me from the bottom of the stairs. Taking a couple more steps bringing us closer, he looked me up and down and then a smirk replaced the scowl on his face. “I guess you're beautiful when you apologize too.” It was barely above a whisper, but I heard him loud and clear. Brandon closed the rest of the distance between us, his eyes searching mine. “Tell me, Kahlen.”

“What? I don't know what you,” I didn't want to lie to him so I didn't say anything. Something about him and his sister made it seem like they could see clear through me, and I didn't know how that was possible. I had gone all my life without anyone thinking I was anything other than what I said I was. No one ever questioned the scars or bruises, no one ever questioned my behavior or the way I acted around people. Until I moved on the other side of the country where no one knew anything about me, but could apparently sense everything.

“Do you have a boyfriend that's hurting you or something?” I shook my head. “Are you homesick?” My eyes met his and I had to put my fingertips up to my mouth to keep myself from throwing up at the thought of missing where I came from. “So what? You're just really shy and awkward and just plain old don't know how to act around people?” Brandon's tone was sharper this time, and I didn't know why but my eyes teared up. Nothing of what he said was right, but everything he brought up had a flood of memories hitting my brain. I needed it to stop because if I couldn't pull my mind back I was going to really freak out.

Wrapping my arm around my stomach, I willed my omelet to stay securely there. “I...I, um...” What am I going to say? I can't lie to him.
Do not lie to him
. My vision got spotty, and I clenched my free hand into a fist to help focus and push the darkness back. “I've never had a boyfriend, so no, I'm not being hurt by a boyfriend. I don't have a home, or, well, my home is my apartment. I've lived places before, but I never had a home until I made one for myself, and no, I do not miss my apartment right now.” I kept taking deep breaths, in through my nose out through my mouth, and I'd closed my eyes because somehow, not looking at him made it easier to get everything out. “And, no. I'm not shy or awkward, it just makes me uncomfortable when people touch me. Plus, something about you just throws me off a little.” I opened my eyes back up to see his golden brown ones staring at me, eyebrows knit together in concentration.

I turned and walked away from him, a sad smile on my face, because I didn't want to deal with any more questions right then. I made my way to their unfinished laundry room, which looked finished to me, and grabbed a couple cans of pop. Back in the living room Brandon was gone, I didn't see him on my way to Emma's room, I didn't see him when I purposely went to use the bathroom in the hall at the same moment Emma was using her own, I didn't see him the entire time Emma and I sat in the kitchen helping her mom with dinner.

When it came time to set the table Jules handed Emma four place settings, a sad smile on her face. I didn't need to ask what that meant, it was Brandon. He'd left his parents’ house, was not going to be at their family dinner night, and it was all my fault. I couldn't figure it out though...I'd been honest with him. I made sure specifically not to lie to him, even though I didn't go into all the detail. No matter what I did he kept walking away from me. I guess it was a good thing I had a lot of experience with people not caring and walking away.

Chapter 6

“So, Kahlen,” Emma's dad, who looked so much like an older Brandon I almost couldn't believe it, looked at me quizzically. “Tell us about yourself.” It was a simple enough question, especially from someone who was meeting another person for the first time, a person who their daughter seemed to be friends with.

My mind began replaying my past over for me, mentally answering his question, mocking me. The past was a movie on repeat stuck only in my head. Dark spots clouded my vision, I closed my eyes for a moment, when really I wanted to squeeze them shut so hard until the pictures in my head vanished.

I pushed my emotions down, essentially shutting them off before I got myself into a situation here with Emma and her family only to be rectified by my explaining myself in greater detail than I cared to at the moment. It didn't take away the images from the past, but lessened the dist
raction they caused me in everyday life, and usually allowed me to still carry on a somewhat normal conversation if I supressed them fast enough. Orientation was a case of me not getting my thoughts under lockdown in time.

Emma tilted her head to the side looking at me, probably noticing the glazed over look in my eyes that replaced any feeling there minutes before. It was fairly obvious, there wasn't anything I could do about how I came off when I shut the emotions down, but I was hoping Dan and Jules wouldn't notice. I slapped on the fake smile I used in instances just like this one.

“What is this dad, the Spanish inquisition? Leave the girl alone.” Emma gave her dad a hard time, but he smiled so lovingly at her it made my heart ache a little. I wanted someone to look at me that way, even if it was only once before I died.

“There's not a whole lot to tell, really. I grew up out West but wasn't a fan, especially not as I got older. So, when it came time to apply to colleges I wanted something new, somewhere I'd never been but wanted to go, and that had a good school. And here I am.” My smile didn't quite reach my eyes any longer, but what happiness I was showing was genuine because I was happy to be far away from Helen and Chuck.

Jules had a small smile on her face, she constantly looked at Brandon's empty chair throughout dinner. “Well I think that's commendable that you came out here for school and to try it out,” Dan said with a smile. “I hear Brandon was a little rough on you a couple weeks back, but I'm glad you and Emma were able to work things out and stay friends.” He rubbed the top of her hand with his own, a simple yet beautiful sign of affection toward her.

“Yeah, he's a little moody,” I meant it innocently, and I also meant to think it not say it aloud, but all three of them started laughing and nodding their heads.

“Moody is an understatement, Kahlen.” Emma rolled her eyes thinking about her brother, yet it was clear she loved him dearly. I could see the concern in her eyes for him when she was around him, like she was waiting to see something specific, but it was never there.

“What about your folks? Don't they miss you being so far away?” Dan wondered.

“Um, well...they are my foster parents, and no, I don't think they miss me.” Shit. Please let him see how uncomfortable this is making me, please. Pictures of Chuck and Helen were popping into my head left and right now, leading into rapid fire images of everything that used to go on at the house.

“If you don't mind me asking,” he continued. “What happened to your biological parents?” I wanted to scream that yes I did mind. I minded a hell of a fucking lot actually, so much so that I was now digging my nails into my palm just to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs for the flashbacks to go away.

I had been gone for four months now, and I thought by now I would be able to think and talk about my past without this reaction, but I was wrong. The more time I'd been gone the more I realized I wasn't the person they made me believe I was, but these pictures, the fucking images stuck in my head, drove me to near madness. Even now, having pushed any emotional connection or feeling I might have to the back of my mind and forgetting how to even feel, his questions were still eliciting this reaction from me.

“I don't know them.” My teeth were clenching slightly, but I tried to nod my head easliy as if it didn't bother me that my mother, whoever the hell she was, had signed me away to the government before I was even born. Taking deep breaths, just trying to focus on the pain in my palms, I tried to meet all of their eyes.

Dan looked like he had a million more questions for me, Jules had a sadness in her eyes though I wasn't sure if it was for me or the fact that Brandon wasn't here for dinner, and Emma looked like a ghost. It was clear she wanted to stop her dad, that she could sense how uncomfortable this was making me, she just didn't know what to do exactly.

No matter the questions I had still received a level of kindness from this family that made me realize what I'd missed out on growing up. This was how life should be, growing up with parents who loved and supported you whether biological, adopted, or foster, who watched out for you and made sure nothing ever hurt you. That just wasn't my luck. I needed to step the conversation away from me before I had to get up and leave.

“You guys always do family dinners every week?” Jules said they did, and again looked at the empty chair. Her gaze returned to mine seeing me looking at Brandon's empty chair and back to her. “I'm sorry if my being here drove him off, I wouldn't have stayed if I'd known. I think he still feels angry toward me for that first time I was over here.” I shrugged hoping she saw my apology as being sincere. It was, but since I'd dropped my emotions by the way side when Emma's dad asked me about myself it was harder to make things sound like I honestly meant them when I spoke. I felt safer with my emotions locked away because it was harder for me to slip into the past.