Reckless Mind (8 page)

It seemed Dan was done asking me questions, and finally the images were disappearing. I glanced at Emma silently telling her she better not mention a word of this to Brandon. “I don't tell my brother shit, so your apology for running him off is safe with me. I know that's why you're looking at me like that.” She said matter of fact, and her dad scolded her for her use of language. “What? She doesn't need to feel bad for him doing what he's good at and running, and I want her to know I won't tell him she apologized for it, and y'all shouldn't say anything to him either.” She eyed her parents, trying to get them to understand she didn't want them saying anything about me bringing Brandon up to him in a later conversation.

My eyes landed on Jules, her eyes had tears in them. “You're right. And Kahlen, it isn't your fault he's not here sweetie, so please don't tell yourself that.” She got up and walked away from the table into the kitchen. I sat for a few minutes thinking about her reaction. Clearly whatever Brandon was going through was affecting more than his attitude toward me.

My throat began to close. I knew how I felt inside and what the memories haunting me did, what had Brandon gone through to change him so immensely from the guy Emma described in her stories. What had happened to make Jules almost cry when she thought about what was really causing him not to be at dinner. If what he went through tormented him half as much as what it seemed, and how my thoughts tormented me, I wanted to help him that much more.

Two people who have been through something that changes them have a common ground to build a friendship from. I wanted that with Brandon. It seemed like he needed someone he was able to open up to, and so did I. I thought talking about things might help us forget, or at least move on, from the past. I would to get to know him, he would trust me enough to let me in, and I hoped he would want to get to that place too.

The next thing I knew, Dan was getting up from his seat to follow his wife into the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him wrap his arms around Jules, before they moved out of my line of sight. “Em, if I'm the cause of all this, please just tell me and I'll stay away from your house, your brother, anything that might set him off. I want to be your friend, but not if he is going to stay away from his family because of me.”

Heat flushed my face a brilliant shade of red. Emma opened her mouth, maybe to explain, maybe to tell me I must be reading into things, I just put my hands up and shook my head.
If
there was anything to know about Brandon, and I was certain there was, I wanted him to be comfortable enough with me to tell me himself, though I wasn't sure that day would ever come.

“I just want to say that it isn't you, not really. You might be bringing out emotions in him that he doesn't know how to deal with because he hasn't, I don't know,
felt
in a while...but this is all on him, Kahlen. You are my friend, you will stay my friend, and he will have to get the hell over it.”

She smiled at me and started to clean off the table. I helped, then we rinsed the dishes, and cleaned up the kitchen and dining room for her mom. I was shaking my head at how uncomfortable the whole situation had been at dinner, when I noticed Emma staring at me. “What?”

“So,” Emma looked at me trying to hold her laughter in. “You ready to see him tonight?” When I smacked her with the dish towel she let out a yelp. She was rubbing her arm where I'd snapped the wet towel, but she still had a huge infectious grin taking up her face, and I could help returning it.

“What are you talking about?” She gave me a look telling me she knew I knew exactly
who
she was talking about. “He doesn't see me like that, Em. I keep trying to just have a normal conversation with him, but it's always hot and cold. Pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy, and for some reason I seem to really frustrate him. He always walks away from me.” Shaking my head I replayed the several instances where he had done just that.

“That's Brandon. Just,” her eyes dropped, looking at the floor, before returning to mine. “Just don't give up on him, okay? I'm not talking jump into a relationship, get married, and have kids...I mean, as friends, just don't ever give up on him. You mean something to him, Kahlen, I don't know
what
that is, but it's more than we've seen out of him in a long time.” Her face looked a little sad now, and I knew I was right about Brandon having gone through something that had changed him. Maybe whatever happened was why he dropped out of college, maybe it was why he refused to let down the walls he'd built up over time. I only nodded at Emma, and I knew deep down I couldn't give up on Brandon even if I wanted to.

“We should probably head out soon, right?” As much as I wasn't looking forward to going to this party, I was a little excited to see Brandon though. Emma went to grab some clothes, she wasn't sure what she was wearing yet, and tell her parents we were getting ready to go.

As we put all the clothes Emma gave me into my car, I felt proud of myself. Yes, I did still have to block out most of my emotions during dinner, but I was able to have a conversation about my past without completely slipping away and pulling my hair out, digging my fingernails into my palm, or screaming at the top of my lungs. It wasn't where I wanted to be personally, but it was a step in the right direction. I knew who I was deep down, and it wasn't who they told me I was for all those years. I wasn't worthless, a whore, ugly, it wasn't my responsibility to please men no matter the cost to me. I just needed to keep working at moving forward from the past instead of letting it hold me back in.

Dan and Jules gave Emma a hug, and as I turned to walk to the door, Jules gave me one as well. I thanked them for having me for dinner, and even though I wanted to apologize again for making Brandon leave, I didn't. I was beginning to think letting other people take responsibility for their own actions was going to play a big part in my moving forward.

Driving back to my apartment Emma and I were both quietly thinking. I was trying to figure out how to talk to Brandon and have an actual conversation with him without him running away. I found out a few minutes later that Emma on the other hand was planning in her head what we were going to wear to her brother's party. She said we wanted to be comfortable but sexy, and when I told her I didn't do sexy she just laughed at me and told me to look in a fucking mirror. I don't know what that girl saw when she looked at me.

Back at my place we each took turns showering. She picked out shorts and a slightly oversized shirt that looked like it had gone through a shredder with a smaller cami underneath for me to wear. I wasn't sure about it, but once it was on it looked good, so I just slipped on some flip flops and went to throw my hair up into a pony tail. I thought my arm was going to come out of it's socket when Emma moved to grab the hair tie from me. Apparently I was going to leave my hair down for the party. Opening the drawer, I did grab another hair tie and put it in my pocket just in case though.

“Here, sit,” she motioned to the toilet. Emma dried my hair with a round brush she had and I didn't even need to use a straightener after. “There, perfect.” She said with a smile as she turned to the mirror and started putting on her makeup. She didn't wear much and neither did I, just some mascara, a little foundation for the dark circles under my eyes because I rarely slept well, and some gloss for my lips.

Her mini skirt was flowy and flirty, and she paired it with a plain pale pink tank and some strappy sandals. She looked gorgeous, I didn't understand how Jax wasn't trying to hook up with her. “Hey, do you not like Jax, or do you just not date him because of Brandon? I know you said he's too whatever for your taste, but is that the honest truth or just what you tell yourself so that it doesn't suck so much thinking you can't date him?”

“Well Kahlen, why don't you come right out and ask what's really on you mind! Are you trying to get all deep with me when I'm about to go get my party on?” She looked at me dumbfounded, but I continued to stare at her waiting for her to answer me. “I like Jaxson as a friend, but that's it, no internal brooding or anything, promise.” She winked at me pulling me to my door, through it, and down the stairs outside. I didn't have butterflies so much as angry hornets in my stomach thinking about going to this party. I heard the music before we rounded the corner to their building, and when the place came into view I couldn't believe how many people were standing outside around their door.

Emma linked my arm with hers, “I know a lot of my brother's friends, so just stay by me and I'll be sure to introduce you to everyone I know, and I'll cut someone if they so much as try to touch you.” The stuff she said with that sweet as honey smile on her face made me laugh, you'd never guess by looking at her that she was tough as nails and swore like a sailor, but those were some of the main reasons I loved her.

Several girls stood at the front door and eyed us as we walked up, one of the girls had a list in her hand. Emma told me Jax did this kind of thing in case the cops showed up as some kind of backup to show he was using a list to keep underage drinking out of his party, but usually it was a couple of his buddies at the door. Brandon and Jax were twenty one and I could see the importance of not wanting to get caught distributing alcohol to minors.

One leggy blonde stuck her hand out in front of Emma as she went to go into the apartment. “Name?” The girl asked giving us a look of annoyance and utter disregard. My grip tightened on Emma's arm threaded through mine, I had a bad feeling about this.

“You don't need my name, what you
need
to do is get your hand out of my face.” Emma basically spat the words at the girl and her two friends. “I mean, you don't have to move if you don't want to, I'm sure Jax would be really happy to know you kept his roommate's sister outside.” The three girls looked back and forth at each other, but the blonde returned her icy gaze on Emma, raising her eyebrows at her, daring her to do something without saying a word. Girls know the looks, we know what another female is saying to us without her opening her mouth.

I felt Emma drop my arm an instant before she grabbed the blonde by her ponytail, opening the door and dragging her into the party. I followed behind her, snatching one of the girls' arms before she slammed it into Emma's ribs. I scanned the room looking for anyone I knew, but Jax saw us first and moved quickly to the front door, his eyes like a deer in headlights.

“Jax I thought I told you that when you put your bitches out front you better be damn sure they know who the hell I am.” Her tone was ice water down your back on a hot summer afternoon, and Jax definitely felt it. “Tell her Jax. Tell your skanky bitch, who's just hoping to suck your dick tonight for standing out in front of your apartment, who I am.” She was challenging him, and by now everyone in the living room had quieted down to watch the drama unfold.

Oh, Emma definitely liked Jax, I don't care what she said earlier. They both obviously knew dating each other would piss off Brandon, but damn if there wasn't some electricity moving back and forth between them right now.

“Em just let her go, I did tell all three of them you were coming. I showed them a picture of you from my phone, okay? Let her stand up and ask her.” Emma stared at him not moving, daring him to be lying to her right now. Roughly she let go of the girl, and I let her wrist go at the same time. Jax pointed at the girl and demanded her to tell Emma the truth, which she did in three seconds. After, her and her friends were told to leave and if they ever saw a party going on there again they better not come through.

Jax took Emma by the wrist and pulled her further into the party and off to the side, looked like I was on my own. My nerves started to heighten when a tall tan guy approached me. I had seen him when we first came in, he was sitting on the couch with his lips plastered to some girls neck. Great, a regular Casanova headed my way.

“Hey baby, I don't think I've seen you around here before. What's your name?” I tried to just side step and ignore him, but he wasn't really having that. He caught my wrist spinning me back around so I was facing him. I apologized as if I ran into him and tried to keep moving further into the party. “What? You too good to talk to me?” His fingers brushed along my lower back before hooking into the top of my shorts stopping me in place. My hands were sweating now, my breathing coming quicker and shorter than before.

“Um, no,” I said quietly. “Just trying to find my friend.” I tried to pull away from him, but he pulled me back toward him, his chest pressed into my back, and he started moving with me to the music playing loudly throughout the party. “I don't want to dance,” trying to pry his grip off of my belt loop where he had secured his finger, I knew I was about to lose it.

“Hey motherfucker,” I heard yelled somewhere close behind me, then the guy was jerked away from me and I stumbled from the force his hand was moved away from my hip. Everything moved in slow motion at this point. I turned and saw Emma looking at me eyes wide, and Jax looking a little ways behind me with the same expression.

Emma started making her way to me, and Jax moved past me. I spun to see where he went, and that's when I saw Brandon. He had asshole Casanova pinned up against the wall, his forearm pushing against his throat. “Who the fuck do you think you are putting your hands on her?” Brandon was loud, but not yelling, yet the tone of his voice was one of the scariest things I'd ever heard. He was really pissed.

Jax came up behind Brandon and whispered something in his ear, but Brandon shook his head and pushed on the guy's throat harder. Jax brought his hand up to Brandon's arm and had to push him away hard, keeping one palm on Brandon's chest and one on the guy's chest who was now rubbing his throat. “You don't put your hands on girls, especially not like that, not here at our place,” Jax said as he let Brandon go but pushed the other guy toward the front door. “I don't want to see you at my fucking place again, or around that girl you just had your hands on.”