Risking it All (30 page)

He’d only meant to let the guy get one

good shot at him, but it felt so damn

good to feel something other than loss.

There is no us
.

She would leave as soon as this

investigation wrapped, leaving him with

the knowledge of her and no way to

achieve the contentment she provided

ever again. In his mind, she might as

well have already walked out the door.

It made him feel sick and raw and

frantic. Made him want to beg her to turn

the car around so he could seek out more

of the reality-blurring pain.

Sera took a left, steering the car

toward his block. “Why didn’t you tell

me you were working with the police?”

Her question dragged him back from

his helpless rage, but didn’t detract from

it. Too much of it existed. He could feel

it gathering, expanding, multiplying

inside him.
She’s leaving. She’s as good

as gone
. “Why would I do that, huh? So

you’d know you’re safe with one of the

good guys?” He pulled at his hair,

bitterness lacing his tone. “I’m not a

good guy. I might not be the guy who

killed your brother, but I’m closer to

their kind than I am to yours.”

When she flinched beside him, he

wanted to throw himself out of the

moving vehicle, but managed to remain

in his seat. After a heavy silence, she

spoke quietly. “Is that the only reason?

This could have been much easier if I’d

known you were on my side.”

No way would Bowen tell her what

his other orders had been. Remove the

ledger from her possession, take it to the

commissioner. He couldn’t do it,

anyway. Couldn’t take away her chance

to prove herself. More importantly, the

ledger was her ticket out. The ticket he’d

never been given, but always wanted.

She’d be gone from him, but at least

she’d be safe.

He breathed through the agony of

knowing he’d be without her soon. When

she saw his name among the other

criminals in Hogan’s ledger book, she’d

be thankful. “Keeping it to myself wasn’t

a suggestion, it was an order. They

threatened me if I did otherwise. Didn’t

think you would appreciate the help and

would do something rash.” He stared at

her until she gave him her attention.

“You won’t be, by the way. Doing

something rash.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do. If

you’d been honest in the beginning,

things might have been different.” She

drifted to a stop outside his building and

put the car in park. “It’s up to me to fail

or succeed. Not you.”

Frustration burned in his gut. At Sera,

for not realizing the kind of danger that

surrounded her. At himself, for hearing

the truth in her words and wishing he’d

come clean on day one. She’d deserved

that much from him. “Fail or succeed,”

he scoffed. “You realize what failure

means? They’re not going to let you

waltz out of Brooklyn. Not after how

close you were. Not after what—” He

cut himself off, remembering she knew

none of this. Knowing it would drive an

even bigger wedge between them.

“After what?”

His jaw flexed. “You overheard

something important. A date.” He

watched the wheels turning behind her

eyes, waited to see if she would pretend

ignorance and prove she still didn’t trust

him.

She tugged the keys out of the ignition

and handed them over. “I don’t

remember hearing anything about a date.

Who told you I did?”

Based on her expression, she already

knew, but wanted to hear him say it.

“Connor. You’re marked, Sera. Hogan

doesn’t like loose ends.”

“Connor.” A touch of hurt flashed

over her features. “I wonder why he

didn’t just take care of me last night and

be done with it.”

Bowen went still. “Last night?”

She glanced at him warily. “He was

outside

Marco’s,

right

before…it

happened.”

Two
threats against her. Not one. He’d

been inside with Wayne, discussing the

offer

of

protection

for

a

new

neighborhood business, while she’d

been outside exposed to two chances of

death. His fists shook in his lap with the

need to break something. Not trusting

himself to speak, he climbed out of the

car. As he walked to her side, he

scanned the street for anything unusual

before helping her stiff form from the

driver’s side. He thought he saw regret

in her brown eyes as they looked over

his battered face, then decided he’d

imagined it.

A minute later, they were locked

safely inside his apartment. He watched

her from the kitchen as she paced,

looking as though she were at a loss how

to behave with him now that her identity

was out in the open. Finally, she

removed her sweatshirt and went into

the guest bedroom.

He followed her, terrified he would

round the corner to find her packing.

Instead, he found her lying on the bed,

staring up at the scales of justice. His

body ached with the urge to crawl on top

of her, kiss her body all over until she

had no choice but to respond. “So

what’s the call, Sera? Let me help you or

shut me out? I’m not going anywhere, so

I’d suggest option two.”

Just when he gave up on getting an

answer, her voice broke the deafening

silence. “When I was seven years old,

about a year before my father died, my

brother got to do a ride-along with him.

He was ten at the time.” She cleared the

rust from her throat. “That morning, I

begged to come along. I cried and

pleaded until he finally gave in. I can

still remember being so excited, so

stunned he actually agreed.” Slowly, she

sat up, clasped her hands between her

knees. “Then he left me with the

dispatchers. All day. While my brother

did the ride-along. They braided my

hair.”

His heart clenched thinking of her at

seven. Left behind. While his childhood

had been the exact opposite, he still

understood the feeling of not belonging.

“I’m sorry, Ladybug.”

“Are you? I feel the same way right

now as I did back then.” She laughed

under her breath. “When he came back, I

told him I wanted to be a cop. That I

would be the
best
cop. He told me he

liked my braid.”

How can I not touch her when she

looks so sad? This is killing me.

Everything hurts.
“I wish I wasn’t a part

of making you feel this way. You have

no idea how bad I wish for that. But I

can’t pretend I don’t understand that

need to protect you.”

“Help me understand.” Her gaze

pleaded with him. “Do I come across so

helpless?”

“Not helpless, baby.” The right words

eluded him, so he just told the truth. “I

don’t know how to explain it. I want to

walk beside you everywhere and absorb

anything bad, so it won’t touch you.

Won’t change you, make you like me.”

He saw moisture in her eyes and

wondered if he would ever stop putting

it there. When she stood and came

toward him, he held his breath, praying

she would touch him. Just before their

bodies met, she stopped, taking in the

injuries to his face. “This isn’t the first

time you’ve done this to yourself, is it?”

She reached up to test his eye, but he

leaned into her palm instead. “You told

me you never lose a fight, so I wondered

why you were always banged up. Tell

me why you do this.”

Bowen swallowed heavily, afraid if

he moved, her touch would go away. “I

don’t know. I do it so I don’t feel numb

like the rest of them. I do it to feel. I do

it
not
to feel. Take your pick.”

She couldn’t hide her distress. “There

are other ways to feel, Bowen.”

“Yeah?” He knew she hadn’t meant it

to sound sexual, but he’d never been

able to resist going down that road in his

mind with her. Especially when she

stood so close, worrying about him.

Touching him. Acting on its own, his

hand settled on her hip, massaging

circles into the sensitive area with his

thumb. “You want to help me feel,

Sera?”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Sera’s pulse danced, every muscle

below her waist pulling taut. Logic

shouted in her ear to step back, away

from

this

man.

This

damaged

complication of a man whose world she

could never live in. Nor could he ever

live in hers. She needed to
listen
this

time. Her body had been making too

many decisions lately, and while the

need to soothe his pain was a living,

breathing demand inside her, she

couldn’t give in. Oh, but she desperately

wanted to. He could be her lifeboat as

the storm of emotions raged around her,

through her. Grief for her brother on his

birthday, anger at her uncle for not

believing

in

her,

tempered

with

embarrassment she hated feeling. Fear of

what the night would bring. Bowen

would demand all her concentration and

for a while, it would be perfect.

Amazing. Until it ended and things were

twice as knotted as when they began.

With a near-paralyzing case of

reluctance, Sera stepped out of his

reach, dislodging the hand on her hip.

“You should go wash off that blood.”

“You should come help me.”

His thickened voice was so full of

intention it made her stomach flutter.

“No, Bowen.”

She noticed an immediate change in

his demeanor. He went from seductive

bad boy to self-assured ladies’ man

before she could blink. He’d seen the

evidence on her face that she still

desired him. The confidence that

knowledge provided combined with the

sting of her rejection was responsible

for his attitude change, she knew that for

certain. She felt a frisson of alarm,

wondering how he would use the

attraction. Right now, he just looked

downright irritable, but there was also

intention in the hard set of his jaw.

“We don’t have to fuck, Sera. But

you’re coming to shower with me.”

When she stared at him in openmouthed

shock, he gave her a tight smile. “I told

you. Nothing rash. Since you haven’t

agreed to let me help you, you’re not

leaving my sight. I’m not coming out of

the bathroom and finding you gone.”

“I’m not showering with you,” she

scoffed.

He shrugged. “Then the blood stays.”

Without another word, he walked out of

her bedroom. A second later, she heard

the unmistakable sound of him lighting a

match, the smell of cigarette smoke

permeating the air. After the morning

she’d had, the blatant challenge he

presented proved too much to resist.

Doing her best to look casual, she

followed him out into the kitchen and

picked up his pack of cigarettes where it

sat on the counter. As he watched her

suspiciously, she flicked on one of the

stove burners and lit the end, lifted the

cigarette to her lips, and took a deep pull

before it could go out. The smoke felt

like fire pouring down her throat, but

somehow she managed not to cough.

Instead, she blew a steady exhale of

smoke in his direction.

“What the hell are you doing?” he

demanded angrily. “Put that out.”

“Why?”

“It’s bad for you.” When she took

another puff, he growled. “Knock it off,

Sera.”

“No. Every time you smoke a

cigarette, I’m going to smoke one, too.”

Sera knew this little act of rebellion was

childish, but God, it felt fantastic. She’d

been protected her whole life, learning