Rocked Under (31 page)

His sobs eventually dwindled and he was quiet for a long time. We moved to the sofa where he laid his head in my lap. I stroked his dark, silky hair until we both fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone and a blanket had been tucked carefully around me.

“Don’t be silly, he doesn’t care one way or the other, he’s probably having an off day.” I knew different but I wanted to save Scott’s face. I felt protective of him. He’d been through enough and he was alone in the world with no family. I couldn't imagine how he felt.

I moved away from Kyle and he dropped his arm with a frown, “So, you
are
worried what he thinks.”

“Not at all. Um… about tonight — I’ll be there. What time shall I meet you?” he didn't notice my swift change of subject.

“I’ll pick you up on the way. Nine okay with you?”

“I’ll see you at nine.” I smiled widely at him.

I walked over to where Scott was sat and plopped myself down next to him. 

“Hey, you okay?” I asked as I nudged his shoulder with mine.

“Yeah. Good morning, babe?” he smiled but it barely touched his eyes.

“Yeah, beats being stuck at home.”

“What did Kyle want?” he nodded in Kyle’s direction.

“He wants me to go to Soundz tonight since I haven't been out in a while.” I hoped he didn't think it was a date.

“Don't you think you should take it easy for a while longer?” he was frowning.

“I feel fine and I want to get out of the apartment.” 

He looked down at his hands.

Speaking of getting out of the house, “When are you starting with the band again? Macy’s isn't the same without you.” I smiled.

“Tomorrow night; a two hour rehearsal before to blow away the cobwebs first.”
 

“What cobwebs? Scott, you were born to play and sing.”

He smiled and when he did his eyes twinkled this time. “Come and watch and you’ll see how rusty I am.”

“Fine, but you don’t have anything to worry about. Have you got the tour all sorted?” I didn't want him to go away for three months while he toured. I selfishly wanted him to stay. I was going to miss the hell out of him.

"Yeah, we leave in about two weeks." He didn't look excited about it.

"Oh." I smiled.

“So, who else is going tonight?” 

Uh oh!
“I’m not sure, he said a bunch of them are going.”

He nodded and looked away, his jaw hardened.

I put my hand on his arm, “Scott, Kyle and I are just friends.”
 

He looked at my hand before looking at me. “You don't need to explain shit to me, Emma, I can handle it.”
 

I tilted my head close to his, “I wanted to.” I said in a low voice.

He looked at me. A crease appeared between his brows and his head went to the side as he let his gaze hold mine. His pupils grew and his eyes morphed into inky pools of want. His lips parted a little and my eyes followed. My breath faltered, the desire in his eyes was so raw and intense that I gasped as a twinge of need throbbed between my legs.

Scott’s jaw clenched and his chair scraped back noisily as he stood.

“Gotta go, see you later.” He grabbed his bag and left.

The familiar noise from the cafeteria came rushing back as I watched him rush out the door. I looked down at my hands, why did he leave like that? It was as though I had
scared
him.
 

My face heated as I shifted in my chair to try to put out the desire that Scott had ignited down there. He was turning me on with a bloody look now, what was
wrong
with me? I wasn't that desperate, was I? I pulled my lunch out of my bag, I wasn't hungry now but I had to look after myself after what had happened, I didn't want to get sick ever again.

Chapter Thirty-five

“Are you sure you don't want to come with?” I asked Ash as I got ready. I was wearing my black skinny jeans with a pair of heels and a deep red halter top. I left my hair curly and down, it fell down my back past my bra strap. A bit of make-up and some kohl finished the look.

“No, Newton’s coming round to give me a hand to pack but he'll probably end up watching me.” She watched me get ready as she sucked on a lollipop. 

“I’ll have to make a start on my stuff soon, it should only take a night to do.”
 

She nodded.

There was a knock on the door, “That'll be newton.” She jumped up and bounded to the door like an excited puppy.

I envied her. She had someone that she loved. She wasn’t afraid to jump in, but then I suppose Newton was never a womaniser. He was a decent guy for Ash and she loved him to bits.

My mind wandered back to earlier. Going over — more like fantasising — what happened for the hundredth time today, I still couldn't figure out why he had left like that.
 

I remembered his eyes, the hunger in them and closed my eyes as I let myself dream what it would be like to be with him. I knew he’d be good in bed, he had had enough practise. My eyes opened as I thought about all the girls he had been with. I didn't want to go there. That road hurt too much.

“Emma!” Ash was shouting, “Kyle’s here!” 

Then it hit me. I hadn't seen Scott with anyone since I got ill.

For the first time in ages I was having a good time. I was dancing with Kyle and it felt wonderful to be out. He had that special something that some people have. They have the ability to light a room and the people in it up. Right now, a warm tingly feeling erupted inside me making me throw my head back and laugh whole-heartedly. 

He pulled me into him and bent to my ear, “Drink?”

I nodded.

He went to the bar and left me dancing. I had a funny feeling that I was being watched for the second time since I got here but I ignored it. Guys tried to dance with me but I brushed them off. I didn't want to know. I just wanted to have fun with my friend for once without having to think about guys.
 

I let myself go and moved my body as though it was only me and I was back home, in my room, dancing in front of my mirror. The music was good tonight and reminded me of the happier times I had back home. The deejay played new and old together which could get anyone moving.

“Here.”
 

I whirled around and found Kyle holding two shots for me. 

I thanked him with a smile and a cheeky wink and downed them one after another. He then took them from me and slipped a bottle of water into my hand making me pout.

He came close, “Don’t look at me like that, you need to stay hydrated.”

I nodded and was touched that he cared. My eyes widened then as the deejay started to play a remix of
Feeling This Way
by
The Conductor & The Cowboy.

“I love this song!” I grabbed him and pulled him to me. I turned in his arms so that my back was to his chest and we danced. I waved my arms in the air and raised my head. Kyle was moving with me but he wasn’t crossing the line. I wished that I could love him. He was everything that a girl could need and he had a wicked sense of humour that tickled me in all the right places. But he wasn’t Scott.

Kyle moved his hands to my waist but I didn’t mind, I knew he wouldn't take it further. The song was one of my favourites of all time to dance to and I let my body get into the familiar groove as I sang loudly and, probably, very badly. I had that feeling again, that I was being watched. I did a quick scan and saw Scott leaning against the far wall watching me.

My heart jumped into my throat. He was standing there like a dark phantom with his hands tucked into his front pockets. His head was lowered as he watched me through hooded lids. He knew I had seen him but he didn't care or try to look away. He watched me as though it was his right, without shame or inhibition. He was pure male and I wanted him. There was no two ways about it – I felt as though he was mine and I had for a long time now.
 

The reason I was so hurt when I saw him with other girls was the same reason I couldn't stop thinking about him – I loved him. Soon, he would be leaving for From Under's From Un tour and I knew that I would miss the hell out of him. I would be miserable, waiting for a call, wondering who he was with — could I put myself through that? The question was: would I put myself through that just to save myself from being hurt?
 

I watched him watching me, the words I sang dried up on my lips as the words blurred, meshed together. Desire curled low down and it had nothing to do with the person I was dancing with. I hadn't seen him with a girl since that awful night before I went into hospital. Maybe he had changed.
Could
he love me? Surely he would have told me — he had so many chances to say it over the last week.
 

It was no good, I wanted him. I
needed
him. It was useless fighting it when we would both be unhappy. He needed someone right now and I wanted to be that someone. I loved him and I only wanted him. At the end of it all, I would rather live knowing love and regret than die not knowing how it felt.
 

My mums words came back to me –
You have family around you and you're strong, Emma. Don't miss out on life because you're afraid of what might happen, that is no way to live, darling. We all need to love whether we regret it or not and you are no different from anyone else, my heart. Scott sounds as though he cares for you a great deal and he is probably frustrated and
confused
by your behaviour –
I knew I was kidding myself all this time. I had thought that I would never get hurt; that I could go through life with a security blanket around my shoulders but I was hurting anyway.

The song ended and I told Kyle that I was going to the ladies and I would find him later. I walked through the crowd, towards Scott slowly, savouring every look that crossed his face as he watched me near him. He looked away from me and I stumbled. Why would he look away? I carried on regardless of his indifference.
 

I took his hand when I was close enough but he shook it off, I frowned.

“Go back to Kyle.” He spat at me.

I flinched. "I told you, Kyle and I are
friends.
"

He laughed cruelly, "Yeah?" His amusement died, "Like we're
friends?
"
 

I frowned. Why was he being like this again? "Have you been–" I was about to say drinking.

"You know what? Don't answer that – I don't fuckin' care." He turned his head away from me.

Did he really not give a shit? I wouldn't believe that. I went close to him, “Please, dance with me?”  

He looked down at me for moment, his eyes quickly masked his hunger and his jaw clenched. “Don’t play with me, Emma.”
 

That wasn't the answer I expected. “You don’t want to dance with me?”

He shook his head. 

That stung. How do I let him know? How do I tell him that I had changed my mind after all I put him through — after all my rejections? “Why are you here?” 

“To keep a fuckin' eye on you, why do you think?” his eyebrows pulled together as his eyes widened faintly. He looked away from me.

“You came to watch out for me but you won’t dance with me, even though I want you to?”

He came forward then and grabbed my upper arms, “You and me; it’s never gonna happen – I get it — but it doesn’t mean you can rub salt in the wound,” he shook his he shook had like he regretted saying that and released me.

“I'm n–”

“Just go back to your fuckin' fairy boy.” He walked away into the crowd and left me before I could say a word.

Hypocrite; that's the only word I could think of as I watched him walk away like he had a dildo shoved in his ass and I remembered every time that I had had to watch him with someone else. He knew Kyle and I were just friends but when he was with someone, I knew he would be taking her home. So, he thinks it's okay for him because he's a man or something? Anger spiked within me, making my blood boil and my face started to burn.
 

He rejected me because I danced with Kyle and he touched my waist. That was nothing compared to what I witnessed a couple of weeks ago when I caught Scott at it with some dirty, drugged-up slapper. It was about time he knew what I had been through.

I marched out onto the floor, asking myself again why I let him upset me and push my bitch-button. I started to dance with the best looking guy I could find within my reach, I got his attention almost immediately and he put his hands on my waist. I egged him on further by running my hands up to his neck. His hands went lower and were resting just above my ass.
 

I hoped Scott was watching this. I hated him right now. No, I didn't hate him, I wanted him to come and get me. But how dare he get so worked up about a dance when he had done so much more? 

I went up to my tip toes and kissed him on the mouth. His hands went straight to my ass and squeezed as he pulled me into him. I would be so pissed if I found out that Scott wasn't watching this and I had let this guy molest me for no good reason.
 

I pulled away from him and went to find another guy but I saw Kyle and took the opportunity to tell him that I was going soon to get my head down, I said I was tired. He offered to take me but I said I would get a taxi. He hugged me and told me to call if I needed anything. He was so sweet, a nice person through and through.

The second guy was someone I vaguely knew from school, he wasn’t so forward so I moved onto the next and thats when I saw Scott. He looked dangerous and a little thrill went down my spine. His body was bunched, the muscles in his arms flexing as his fists clenched. His eyes were slits as he warned me not to go too far with this guy.

The guy turned me around and thrust his hips into my ass while his hands fondled my breasts painfully. Scott was watching so I played along but I hated it, he made me feel cheap and dirty. The guy wouldn't stop touching me. He then put his hand on my tummy and slid his hand down low so he was cupping me through my jeans. My eyes widened and as I spun to tell him to stop a fist flew past my face like lightning and smashed into the guys jaw. He stumbled back with a wide-eyed, dazed look.