Sasha's Dilemma (20 page)

When I was growing up, my parents
always said when I found my one, I’d know and I would walk
through hell to get to her and no one would ever measure up to her.
That’s what my parents have and that’s what I wanted,
too. So any girl I fucked more than once that wanted to get serious
and meet the family, I would just laugh at them. There was no way in
hell any woman was coming to meet my family. But with Sasha, I wanted
her to meet them. I knew they’d love her; everyone that meets
her does.

Sasha stirs next to me and I pull
her in closer to me. She is a very closed off person, and only lets a
select few in. But if you’re included in that few, wow, you are
a very lucky fucker. I start tickling her back because I just can’t
get enough of her. I need her now. Just her smell makes me hard as a
rock. She looks up at me with groggy eyes and I smile down at her.
She knows exactly what I want and presses her beautiful body to mine.
I pull her as close as she can get and kiss her passionately. I
forget to breathe when I kiss her. That’s the effect she has on
me, and I don’t think it will ever change.

I grab her ass and flip her so she
is on her back. I take my time spreading kisses all
over her body,
paying special attention to her nipples before making my way down to
her sweet vagina. I can smell how wet she is and it makes my cock
throb even harder. Her taste is intoxicating. I could eat her all
day, and sometimes I try, but she ends up pulling me up. I love it
when she is rough with me.

She screams my name when she
comes. I climb up her body, look directly into her eyes, and say the
words I’ve been dying to say, “I love you, Sasha.”

I hear her intake of breath and I
slam my mouth down on hers before she has a chance to respond. She
wraps her legs around me and I slam into her. By the time we’re
done, she is back on top and breathing heavy. She places her chin on
my chest and looks at me with wide, frightened eyes. “I love
you, too,” she whispers softly, and then turns her head away. I
hug her like my life depends on it. We drift off to a beautiful sleep
with her on my chest. I’m surrounded by the intoxicating smell
of her, and my last thought is that I will make her my wife.

I wake up and smile, remembering
last night. I took a big step and told him I loved him. That’s
a really big thing for me. I’ve never told a man, other than a
family member, that I loved them, but I believe Josh is the one. I
decide to talk to him about last night, and most of all about Brax. I
find him at the stove in the kitchen with his back to me, making
breakfast. I drink him in. He is absolutely sex on sticks. I walk up,
wrap my arms around his midsection and cuddle him.

“Sleep well, beautiful?”

My heart swells at those words. He
always used to call me that. Sometimes I thought he did it to remind
me that I am beautiful. I’m not saying I’m ugly by any
means, but I don’t think I’m gorgeous.

“Yes, I did indeed.”

“Breakfast won’t be
long. I thought we would do nothing all day and relax. How does that
sound?”

“Sounds good, but I need to
talk to you about something.”

He turns around and stares at me
like he is trying to figure out what I’m about to say. I decide
to just spill it.

“So, when I was in Sydney, I
met someone and we were kind of seeing each other. I broke it off
with him long before I moved back, but last night, he was at the
concert and I spoke to him.” I take a peek up at him to see his
reaction. I see him clutching the kitchen counter, and he won’t
look at me.

“Did you have feelings for him?”

“Yes… yes, I did.”

“But you’re not in love with him?”

“No, I’m in love with
you.” I tell him honestly, because my feelings are written all
over my face and I hope he can see it.

This time he actually looks up at
me. I see his mouth twitch, and then he looks me in the eyes.

“You love me?”

“Yes.”

“And I love you.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, as long as that’s
clear,” he says with a sexy grin.

“Is that all you’re
going to say?”

He turns his back to me before
answering.

“Sasha, you don’t
willy-nilly give your love away and I have it, so I have nothing to
worry about.”

I’m shocked by his
statement, because it’s so true.

We spend the day lying on the
couch making out like teenagers; I’m being a smartass to Josh
and he threatens to tickle me.

“I swear, if you do it,
Josh, I’m running.”

“Do what, darling?”

Then he grabs me and starts
tickling. I’m screaming at him to stop before I pee myself, and
he suddenly stops. Still hovering over top of me, his next words
knock the breath out of me.

“Will you marry me, Sash?”

I’m so shocked by his
question I stare at him with my mouth hanging open. It feels like I
can’t move. A part of me is screaming
Yes!
And then there’s the other part saying
Too
fast, too fast!

“I know it’s so soon,
but we can be engaged for as long as you want. Just as long as one
day you have the intent to marry me,” he tries to reassure me
in a soothing tone.

“Okay,” I squeak out.

“Are you serious? You just
made me the happiest man alive!”

He picks me up and swings me
around the room like a school girl. When he places me down, he takes
off toward the bedroom and comes back with a small black box. My
hands go to my mouth.

“I’ve had this for a
very long time, and wanted to give it to you every day. But I knew I
would scare you, but I can’t wait any longer.”

He drops down on one knee, looks
up at me, and opens the box. It’s a stunning ring with a pink
stone in the middle surrounded by white diamonds, and it’s so
me in every way.

“Will you, Sasha, make me
the luckiest man on this Earth and marry me?”

I drop to the floor in front of
him so we’re at the same eye level and nod my head because my
mouth can’t seem to form words. He grabs my hand and slides the
ring on. I can’t do anything but look at this beautiful piece
of jewellery on my hand. I know it’s a big step for me but with
Josh hope is there.

Our week has been crazy. We have
stayed at home for most of it and done nothing. It has been
beautiful. We have decided today is the day when we are going to tell
our friends as everyone is coming over for a barbeque. I’m
preparing the cocktails when Lola arrives, not long followed by Blake
and Adam. The boys say hi to me, and then make their way out back to
where Josh is cooking. Lola helps me get everyone drinks.

“So, haven’t heard
from you since the concert,” Lola begins the conversation.

“Yeah, I know. I decided to
tell Josh about Brax.”

“Oh and how did he take
that?”

“Actually, I expected him to
go a caveman on me, but he was pretty good.”

Lola smirks up at me and we take
the drinks outside to the guys. There is another knock on the door. I
answer it and find Josh’s parents standing there smiling at me.

“Well hello, dear,”
Josh’s dad says to me, and leans to give me a kiss on the
cheek. I say my hellos to Josh’s mom, and they follow me out
the back. I didn’t know Josh was inviting his parents. I
thought it was just going to be our friends.

We all gather around the table
when the food is ready, and Josh takes hold of my hand and stands up.

“So as you all know, Sasha
here is the love of my life. And I’ve asked her to marry me.”
He pauses and I look around the table for our friends’
reactions. Lola is the most shocked of all. She’s staring at me
with her mouth hanging open, trying to work out if this is a joke or
not. She looks toward my hand and finally notices the ring. She
screams, jumps up and down, and grabs hold of me. She hugs me so
tightly, I have to tell her to let go.

“So as I was saying,”
Josh continues, “she agreed to make me the happiest man alive,
and I wanted to share that with all of you.”

He pulls me up and tucks me into
his side. His parents walk straight up to us and hug us both. Josh’s
mum has tears in her eyes. “I’m so happy for you,”
she says, and walks away crying still. Josh’s dad follows
behind her. I decide I should go talk to her. I pull out of Josh’s
embrace and take off after her. I find her in the lounge room with
Josh’s dad trying to calm her down. Josh’s dad smiles up
at me and then leaves me with her.

“Are you okay?” I ask
in a soft voice.

“Oh, dear I couldn’t
be happier. I never thought that boy would marry, and now that he is,
it’s making my dreams come true to see him happy and in love.”

I nod at her and smile.

“I hope you are going to
plan children very soon. I need another piece of Josh before….
Well, anyway… I’m very happy.”

I don’t know how to tell her
that I’m not ready for kids or that I’m not even sure
want kids, so I just smile. When she calms down, we walk back outside
to our friends. My mind is struck by something she said, or almost
said. What did she mean by “before”? I think Josh may
have some explaining to do.

It’s been two glorious
months since our engagement was announced. I had to call my cousins
and break it to them before they found out by someone else. They put
me on speaker so I could tell them all at the same time. They all
cheered, and then started with the death threats towards Josh. If he
broke my heart, they would break his they assured me. I was laughing
so hard I ended up hanging up on them.

Josh has given me time with
telling everyone. He hasn’t pushed me to make a decision on a
date straight away. Although, everyone else is very annoying,
constantly asking me when.

Josh’s mum rings me every
week asking for a date, and she’s constantly buying me wedding
books and sending me samples of things. I sometimes think she is more
excited than I am for this wedding. When I tell Josh about his mum,
he just laughs it off.

I get home from work and go to
look for Josh in the kitchen where he usually is cooking us dinner. I
don’t find him there so I go on a search. I look out the back,
the bathroom, then finally the bedroom. I find Josh on the bed not
breathing. I immediately run over to him and start CPR while
screaming at him to wake up. I finally remember to call 000 and tell
them the address before I hang up. I look back over to Josh. He is so
peaceful lying there. I don’t know what else to do. They told
me not to him and to leave the room and wait for the paramedics, but
I can’t leave him.

I stand next to him and get one
last whiff of his heavenly scent. I can’t help it; I need to be
with him. I climb up and wrap myself around him. My mind is racing a
hundred miles per hour, and I can’t seem to get it to turn it
off. Something in my chest hurts and I feel like I might explode.

Strangely, a song begins screaming
in my head. I lie next to him an start singing. “Say something
or I’m giving up on you,” I sing the chorus. I eventually
fall asleep with the song in my ears and my face covered in tears.

I wake with someone nudging me. I
feel myself being picked up. I look around the room and notice the
house is full. Josh’s parents are here crying, and so is Lola.
I’m wondering how they all knew. I haven’t called anyone.
The last thing I remember is smelling Josh and curling up to him,
singing to him.

Lola is trying to talk to me, but
I don’t listen. I just remain in my own world, rocking back and
forth, not understanding what the hell is going on. He just asked me
to marry him and now he is …. God, I can’t even say it.

By the time they take Josh’s
body away, a few people from his shop have come over along with a few
of our friends. They’re all patting me and trying to make sure
I’m okay, but again, I just block them out. I just want to wake
up from this awful dream and go back to normal.

I wake with a start. I’m on
our bed. Instantly, I smell him. I look up at Lola with hopeful eyes.
She just shakes her head at me. She tries to get me to eat or drink,
but I just want to sleep.

I stay in our bed for a whole week
and don’t leave it. His smell is everywhere, and if I leave it
will all be real. I don’t even go to his funeral. Everyone
tried to convince me, but I just couldn’t do it. They all came
here after to force me to interact and feed myself. But after I see
everyone, I head straight back to the bedroom. I fall back asleep
again, but I’m woken by another soft shake. I look up and see
Josh’s dad staring down at me.

“I told him to tell you,”
he says, shaking his head. I can see he is trying to hold it
together. I wish I was as strong as him, but I’m not. I just
want to sleep forever.

“But he said you made him
feel alive, and he didn’t want this hanging over your heads. He
said now that he had you back, there was no way he was gonna hurt you
again. So anyway, he wrote this for you and asked me to give it to
you.”

He gets up and walks away. I throw
the letter across the room. That’s the last thing I want to
see, an ‘I’m sorry’ letter. It hurts seeing Josh’s
dad. He reminds me so much of Josh that the ache in my chest pounds
when he walks out the door. I have flashbacks all night of how my
mother was. How desperate she was to be loved. She would even hurt
her own family in the process.

It’s been six months now
since Josh left me. And not a day goes by I don’t think of him.
I see him everywhere I look, and I hate it. I hate that he never told
me he had leukemia. I hate that he kept that a secret. But most of
all, I hate that he made me love him. I never wanted love, but he
made me love him. That’s the thing I hate most about him.

I couldn’t stand to stay in
that house any longer because it was a constant reminder of him. I
haven’t touched a single thing in the house. I just grabbed my
necessities, left, and never looked back. I rented a small apartment
and went back to work a week after it all happened. Everyone
questioned me on that decision, but I knew I needed to get back in my
normal routine. Lying around the house sulking ain’t going to
help.