Seaside Secrets (20 page)

“Beyond that, what do you see?” Tony squinted at the bigger-than-life image, which suited how he had once thought of his father. He hadn’t been afraid of his father, but memories of his father’s demeaning comments that summer fisted his hands a little tighter. He felt Amy touch his arm.

“He’s not here, Tony.”

“He’s not gone, either.” Tony shook his head, a million thoughts whirling through his mind at once. “Look at his smile. It looks real, right? Not forced?”

“Yeah, he smiled a lot.”

“Yeah, he did. That’s why it cut so deep that summer when he was such a shit to me. I don’t know what happened to my memories, but that man right there...” He pointed at the dune. “Amy, that’s not the man I have in my head. I don’t remember him looking so happy. In my mind I see the angry man he was toward me. I can’t even begin to draw the memory of him looking like that. But he was that man. He was jovial, lighthearted.”

“I know,” she whispered.

“Wha—? How?”

Amy shrugged. “I guess for the same reason that the man I see in the pictures of my dad doesn’t look like the image of him in my mind. That’s why I wanted to see these. I think our perspectives were skewed. When I went down to the woods today, I started thinking about our parents and I wondered if they’d seen anything between us that summer. And that made me wonder what we’d seen of them. My dad was always pushing me to do well in school, make something of myself. To be my best. He had expectations—there’s no doubt about that—but would he have really cared if we’d dated? I just don’t know the answer to that. And your father?”

She looked up at the image of Tony’s father on the dune.

“He was hard on you, and he was a real shit with some of the things he said that summer. And for all these years I’ve sort of blamed him for my shutting you out of my life. I was always worried that he’d throw our relationship in your face in some way, and after…well, after what happened, I felt like he’d never let it go.”

“He would have used it against me, Amy. He’d have told me that I was irresponsible and that I’d fucked up your life and mine. You know that.” Tony clenched his jaw.

“Maybe.” She shook her head. “But what if he was just pushing you like my father pushed me, but he just handled it in a horrible way?”

“Does that make it any better?”

Amy shook her head. “Of course not, but…”

“But we can’t change the past no matter how much we wish we could. Would I love to know my father was sorry for all the shit he said to me? Damn right I would. But the truth is, I’ll never know.” Tony shook his head.

“Why? Why can’t you ask your mother?”

“She doesn’t need to relive that summer any more than I do.”

“Or maybe she does. And maybe you do, too. I think it’s worth talking about. She’s probably carrying around a lot of guilt, too. She was there, too, remember?”

Tony breathed deeply. “Maybe. Probably. The truth is, I’m not sure I
want
to revisit it.”

“Too painful?” she asked.

Guilt poured from his lips before he could stop it. “If we hadn’t gotten together, you wouldn’t have spent fourteen years not allowing yourself to get close to another man. You would have fallen in love and been loved the way you deserve. My father, as shitty as he was sometimes, probably would have been right.”

Amy dropped her eyes, and he lifted her chin so he could face his own demons.

“I am so deeply sorry for everything you went through, but I’ll never be sorry for loving you. I’m sorry about what it did to you, but not for loving you.”

“Tony, it wasn’t just what happened that kept me from falling for some other guy. Even if I’d never gotten pregnant, I was in love with you. That never changed. Not for one second over those years. It was that love that pulled me through that hard time as much as it was that love that caused it.”

“But you missed out on so much.”

“Did I?” Her green eyes were serious, her brows knitted together. “How many women made you feel loved over the years? How many of the women you slept with did you want to have a future with?” She held up her hands, silencing his answer. “It’s a rhetorical question. What I mean is that I’ve watched Bella and Jenna, Leanna, and Jessica all fall in love, and the one thing that seemed to be consistent is that when they really fell for their men, when they gave up the
fear
of falling in love, they never questioned it. They felt like the other guys were, well, not exactly meaningless, but definitely not meaningful.”

Amy inched closer, so their lips were almost touching, and she stared into Tony’s eyes. “I have never questioned my love for you. Not once. I could have slept with plenty of men over the years, and if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and lost the baby, who knows what might have happened between us. Maybe we would have told everyone eventually and stayed together, but maybe we would have broken up. Maybe we needed those years apart so that you could sow your oats—and please don’t tell me you had no oats to sow, because we both know that would be a lie.”

Tony wished he could laugh at that, but he knew Amy was right. When his surfing career had first taken off, there were women throwing themselves at him day and night. It was commonplace to have young girls tossing their bikini tops in his direction at parties after a big win, and he was only human. He’d like to believe he never would have hurt her or cheated on her, but the pressures were so great. How could he be sure?

“But you didn’t get to sow yours.” He hadn’t realized how guilty he felt about Amy never sleeping with another man until right now.

Amy shook her head, smiled. “You do know who you are talking to, right? Letting
you
see me naked is about as wild as I get. That’s never going to change.  The only thing I missed out on was being in your arms, so don’t you ever let yourself feel guilty for something I never wanted.”

“How did I get lucky enough to deserve you?” Tony pressed his lips to hers, feeling like tonight had opened several more doors to their future, and he intended to walk through them—even if the path was covered in glass.

THE NEXT DAY Tony took Evan surfing, and Amy spent the afternoon down by the pool with Jenna. Leanna and Kurt had gone back to their house on the bay, because Leanna had received a big order for her new flavor, Sweet Heat, and she needed to work all day to fill it. Jenna was lying on a lounge chair beside Amy, baking in the hot sun.

“Did I see Theresa’s car this morning?” Amy asked.

“Yeah. She got here early.” Jenna stretched. “I think she went into Orleans to the grocery store.”

“I haven’t seen much of her this summer. It’ll be nice to see her.” Amy waved to Bella as she came through the pool gate. Her hair was secured at the base of her neck with an elastic band, and she had on a pair of enormous plastic sunglasses.

“Did you get your stuff done?” Amy asked.

“I can’t imagine what could be more important than lying here with us,” Jenna said.

Bella wiggled her eyebrows.

“What was that look for? Oh God. What do you have planned?” Amy leaned up on her elbow and shaded her eyes. Bella was the community prankster, and she had a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“Planned? Nothing.” Bella tossed her towel on a chair and sauntered over to the pool.

Amy and Jenna exchanged a disbelieving eye roll and followed her in.

“Theresa should be back from the grocery store soon.” Amy watched Bella’s smile grow. “Oh, no. Bella. Tell me you didn’t do something to Theresa. Remember how well Thong Thursday went over last summer? I think she’s so far on to you that you can’t do anything to surprise her anymore.”  The previous summer Bella had hung a sign up by the pool announcing Thong Thursday. Jessica, who had been a new renter that summer, had taken it seriously, when, in fact, thongs were forbidden according to the Homeowner Association documents, which Theresa not only adhered to, but strictly enforced for the community. Theresa had gotten the best of Bella last year by wearing a thong down to the pool herself.

“Yeah, well, this year will be better. Trust me.” Bella tossed a raft to Jenna and a foam noodle to Amy, and they soaked up the rays.

“How did Tony like the slide show last night?” Jenna asked. “I was so tempted to beg you to let us stay. I wanted to watch it on the dunes.”

“Well, I’m glad we were alone. It was tough to watch, because of his dad and all that’s happened. But I think it helped us to deal with everything. One thing we did notice is the way we looked at each other that summer. I can’t believe no one recognized it for what it was.”

“You guys have always looked at each other like you were more than friends,” Bella said. “I don’t remember it being any different back then.”

“But that never made you wonder?” Amy asked.

Jenna and Bella exchanged a glance that Amy knew meant they had a secret of their own.

“Okay, spill it.” Amy narrowed her eyes and ran them between the two of them.

“Well, we did wonder sometimes,” Jenna admitted.

“But you were always so proper, and he was old enough that he knew how to play it cool.” Bella rolled off her raft and into the water. “Besides, we had no reason to think you’d get together with him and not tell us.”

“Ouch.” Amy had almost slipped out from beneath the guilt of keeping the truth from her friends. Bella’s reminder brought it right back.

“Why does it matter?” Bella asked.

“It doesn’t, really. Although I’m sorry, Bella. I know I’ve jeopardized your trust, and I am really, truly sorry.”

Bella exhaled loudly. “No. It’s not you, Amy. It’s me. I got my feelings hurt and my bitchiness got the better of me. I understand why you kept it from us. It just slipped out, that’s all. You know I love you.”

She couldn’t blame Bella for having lingering hurt feelings. If anyone knew there were no overnight fixes, it was Amy.

“Thanks, Bella. I know it’ll take time for all of this to get better, and I really don’t blame you for being hurt or for letting me know it. I deserve far worse than that.”

“No, you don’t.” Bella swam over and hung on to Amy’s noodle beside her. “I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I just wish you’d trusted me back then so you weren’t alone through it all.”

“I did. But that’s part of what I’m trying to sort through. I’ve been blaming Tony’s dad and my dad, you know? Telling myself that we were protecting ourselves from them and that I was protecting Tony by shutting him out of my life. But…”

“But?” Jenna jumped off her raft and hung on to the other side of the noodle, facing Amy and Bella.

“But I’m not sure I wasn’t just protecting myself. I was embarrassed to tell you guys that I was sleeping with Tony.”

“What? Why were you embarrassed to tell us? Amy, we weren’t exactly virginal princesses.” Jenna laughed.

“No, you weren’t, but you thought I was.”

“Amy, we wouldn’t have judged you,” Bella assured her.

“Maybe not. I don’t even know if that’s it, but I think there were lots of things going on in my head back then, and after all this time I can only take a stab at what they really meant.” Amy saw Theresa’s car pull into the community, and she was relieved to change the subject. “Theresa’s back.”

Bella swam for the stairs. “Oh, good.”

“Wait.” Jenna grabbed Amy’s arm and pulled her toward the steps. “What’s the plan? Do you have a prank planned?”

“No plan.” Bella wrapped a towel around herself and grabbed her sunglasses. “I’m going to get a drink of water.”

Amy and Jenna’s eyes widened as they gathered their things and hurried after Bella.

“Water. Right.” Jenna pulled her sundress over her head.

“Bella, clue us in,” Amy urged.  “What did you do?”

“Nothing. Gosh, you guys. I don’t
always
pull pranks.” Bella took one determined step after another and kept her eyes trained on the ground.

Amy knew she was up to something. They followed her into her cottage, where she went directly for her cell phone and began texting.

“Spill it, girlfriend.” Jenna put her hand on her hip and glared at Bella.

“Okay, fine. So maybe there’s a little something brewing. Come on. Let’s get a drink and go out on the deck.” Bella opened the fridge and handed them each a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

They settled into the chairs on Bella’s deck and watched Theresa carry her groceries inside. Anticipation had them all leaning forward in their chairs like they were watching an action flick.

“What did you do?” Amy whispered.

“How about we just focus on you and Tony,” Bella suggested. “Then if anything goes down, you won’t get in trouble.”

“Oh no.
Anything goes down?
” Jenna sucked down her drink. “Bella Abbascia, what did you do?”

Bella rolled her eyes.

Theresa waved when she came back outside to retrieve more groceries from the car. Jenna and Amy waved back.

“Maybe we should go help her,” Amy suggested.

“I don’t think so.” Bella took a sip of her drink and eyed Jenna.

“Anywho…” Amy took the opportunity to continue their conversation. “As I was saying, we also never realized how differently we saw things back then.”

Bella shrugged. “We all did. We were kids. But that was then and this is now, and it’s time to put it behind you and move forward.”

“Yeah, I agree.” Jenna took a sip of her drink. “Although I don’t think it would be that easy to move on after what you went through. I’m just not sure taking it apart this many years later is going to help.”

“See? That’s why I need you guys around. I could drive myself crazy wanting to know exactly why I acted the way I did.” Amy breathed a little easier. Maybe they were right. She should focus on the future, not the past.

 “Let’s think about happier things, shall we?” Bella waved a hand in the air. “Like, are we going to have a quadruple wedding?”

“I think you are jumping the gun—don’t you? We still have a few things to sort out.” Amy could barely say it with a straight face when she really wanted to jump up and down like a fool and say,
I hope so!

“Like…moving to Australia?” Bella leaned back in her chair. “I told you not to take the job with Duke. Now what’s your plan?”