Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (41 page)

Stop criticizing our kids for things they cannot improve immediately, and for things that we see they are trying to improve, like their grades. We should probably stop criticizing altogether. It never works. It just drives them out of the room.

Nag and torture our kids. Is it genetic?

Jewish mothers are mavens on the discipline required to do well in life, like showing up on time, going to school and working hard. We are not mavens on the other kind of discipline, like the debates between time-outs and a quick slap on the tushie. As a rule, we tend to intellectualize life, rationalize every one of our kids’ transgressions and overthink our kids’ behavior. For example, we might spend hours debating the reasons why our kids spend too much time on the computer. We should probably just shut the thing off and make them play outside.

Mommy’s discipline was the traditional kind, as in “Just wait until your father gets home.” We heard that line a
lot.
Of course, when Daddy came home, nothing happened. We never took Mommy or Daddy too seriously when it came to disciplining us.

Be consistent and firm, but try not to judge ourselves, our kids or others too harshly.

Overreact or underreact. Act inconsistently, second-guess ourselves, blame ourselves when things do not go perfectly and tell ourselves that there is no way we ever would have allowed our children into that restaurant at that age, especially if they carry on like that!

In our family, we take some things for granted, like saying “I love you” before we end every single telephone call, and giving each other kisses and hugs upon saying hello and good-bye. Not every family does this. We think you cannot give your children enough love and affection. Kisses, hugs, “I love yous” every day, for any occasion and no occasion. Even sons appreciate this, though they may not admit it. The great thing is that when you are in the habit of bestowing all this physical affection, you get it back for the rest of your life.

We knew as children that not every kid was as lucky as we were to have had the parents we did. Jill used to bring in “strays,” other children who didn’t get as much love as we did. For a while, Mom and Dad became their surrogate parents too. Even though we are now adults, Mommy still gives advice to many of our friends, on a regular basis. And of course, Daddy. Walking with our dad makes us feel like we are walking on the clouds.

In
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner,
the Sidney Poitier character says to his father something to the effect of, “I don’t owe you anything ... You owe me for bringing me into this world and I will owe my kids when I have them.” We love that line. It reminds us that our role as parents is to pass on to our children the lessons we have learned, and not to expect too much in return. Not only did our kids not ask us to be born, let’s face it—the world is a difficult and challenging place. Sometimes, it may seem to them as if we haven’t done them such a favor bringing them here.

Nevertheless, and despite our surface negativity, we Jewish mothers are optimists at heart. We do our best to instill in our children the values of education, justice, honesty and hard work, because we believe these values make the world a better place for them and their children. We kid about how often we think you should call your own mother, but the truth is that if you want your kids to be kind and caring adults to you when you get old, you had better be a kind and caring child to your parents. Otherwise, what else can you really expect? So be kind, to yourself and your families. And remember to say “I love you” before you hang up the phone.