Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (40 page)

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Authors: Jill Zarin,Lisa Wexler,Gloria Kamen

BOOK: Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love
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Every situation is different. There are different degrees of drug use; there are kids who are addicted; there are kids who go through an experimental phase; there are kids who might be “self-medicating” for an underlying psychological or physiological problem that was never properly diagnosed. Obviously, each situation requires an individual, appropriate response. If you think your child suffers from a mental illness, then he needs to receive a full medical and psychological evaluation. Fixing the underlying problem may effectively eradicate the substance abuse. Remember that you still love the kid who is still in there. Your child really needs you now.
If mental problems are not driving the substance abuse, then you have to decide whether or not that problem is severe enough to require inpatient treatment, as opposed to outpatient counseling. These are tough, tough issues; they require professional guidance. If you are professionally advised that your child needs an inpatient rehab center, we would suggest that you spare no expense in treatment. There are no guarantees that this will work to cure the problem, but we mention this because money is often the biggest roadblock to getting children into treatment. Good health insurance plans cover a good chunk of the expense, but not all. And many people do not have any health insurance at all. We don’t recommend mortgaging your house, but we would if it was the only option left. We would take on three jobs if necessary. Do whatever you have to do to get your child into good treatment.
Our main point is that drugs should never be ignored. You should never assume your child is going through a phase that will pass. If you discover any drug use, and we include marijuana and frequent use of alcohol in that category, then do your best to eradicate it while you still can. Don’t feel guilty or like a hypocrite—ignore the fact that you may have experimented yourself. All the studies show that the adolescent brain is at a crucial stage of development. Drugs that meddle with the developing brain do permanent damage. Act as if the whole world is at stake; it very well may be.
We’ve heard of parents who serve liquor and drugs to minors with the rationale “I’d rather the kids do it in my basement than have them get in trouble in a stranger’s home.” This is not our motto. We do not believe in sending mixed messages. If our kids do make the mistake and get drunk, they know not to drive. They also know that they can call us any time of the day or night and we will retrieve them, no questions asked—at least not until the next day.
Even though the Jewish mother believes her sovereignty never ends, the law disagrees. Once your kid is over eighteen, your powers are limited. You might be able to exert some financial leverage, but there is little you can do legally to force treatment. So if your child is under eighteen and you suspect something is going on, do not turn a blind eye. Act now while you still can. You will not forgive yourself if there is something you could have done that you did not do.
We know too many stories of kids who got away, whose lives got derailed too early by drugs and alcohol. We also know many stories of kids whose lives got back on track. These stories belong to those kids and those parents. They are not ours to tell. However, Jill does have one story about speaking up when she was concerned about a particular teenager.
Jill’s Story
One summer I invited my friend’s son and his friend to stay with me for a country weekend. They were nice boys, young teenagers, and I suspected nothing. When my husband came into the house, he noticed his beer was missing. I thought the kids’ backpacks were unusually heavy when I put them back in the trunk of the car to go home on the train. I realized the kids had stolen the beer. I didn’t know what to do. Do I forget about it or do I tell my friend? What if something happened to them before they got home that was alcohol induced? I felt I had no choice. I called my friend. What do you think happened? She could not have cared less. She defended her kid and said my husband was wrong and the kids would not steal. Case closed. From my viewpoint, I knew that I had done the right thing in telling her. Now, if anything happened, it would be her responsibility. I have to say that I lost a little respect for her that day, even though I know that it is really hard to accept it when someone tells you your child is doing something wrong. ■
WHAT WE SHOULD DO
Pay close attention to our kids’ mood swings, friendships and overall patterns of behavior. Tell them what we consider to be appropriate behavior when it comes to drug and alcohol use. Check their rooms periodically and eavesdrop on conversations to keep in touch. Pretty much snoop at random.
WHAT WE REALLY DO
We do all that, even though it doesn’t give us any illusions that we know everything our kids are doing. But we do it anyway.
ask yourself
1.
What is your attitude about drugs and alcohol? You better know it consciously because your kids will pickup on your vibe about both.
2.
Did you experiment with drugs and alcohol yourself? How does that affect your attitude when it comes to your own children?
3.
Do you think it’s OK for your kids to experiment? If so, would you prefer that they experiment in your presence, or at least in your home?
4.
Are you prepared for the consequences of having a child who really likes to use drugs or alcohol?
5.
Do you suspect your child may be abusing drugs or alcohol? If so, what clues led you to suspect this?
6.
Would you prefer not to know? If so, is that a wise decision?
7.
What consequences are you prepared to enforce to stop your kids from continuing to abuse drugs and alcohol?
8.
Do you have a child with a drug or alcohol problem?
9.
If so, what professional help do you have lined up?
Sometimes a Mother Has to Do It Alone
Even though we recognize that perhaps the greatest “secret” of the Jewish mother is to be accompanied as a parent by a great Jewish father, we also firmly believe that sometimes a mother must act in the best interests of her child, regardless of the opposing wishes of her husband.
As three mothers, we know that there will be at least one occasion in your life as a mother in which you will need to spend money on your child for something that your husband does not think is necessary. It may be for swimming lessons, the “best” school, an extra dress, teeth straightening, bleaching or bonding—whatever. At some point, your quite reasonable husband will say “enough” and you will want to do it anyway. It helps if you have our own money and you don’t have to lie and sneak around to spend it. But if you have to lie and sneak to help your kid get what he needs, you will. Sometimes it isn’t a matter of money; it’s a matter of philosophy. Dads in general are a bit more laissez-faire than moms; they think their kids will “grow out of it.” Mothers aren’t so sure ... they’d like some insurance, perhaps a little psychotherapy. A mother’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.
Gloria’s Story
Sol would never have paid all the money necessary for all those reading lessons for Jill. He is a good man, but he would have said we couldn’t afford it. I wasn’t working. I took the money from our savings anyway, in cash, and paid what I had to for Jill. He never knew. You have to do what you must for your child. ■
Jill on the Obligations of Divorced Parents
When I reflect on my first marriage, I usually remember only the good times. We did most things together as a team. However, occasionally we disagreed about priorities, and then I would do what I wanted anyway. I guess that is why women need to earn their own money. Freedom. For example, I wanted Allyson to start Hebrew school early. The earlier children start, the more likely it will stick, as Mommy repeatedly told me. Even though we weren’t observant, I told my husband that we would sacrifice whatever was necessary to pay for it. When Allyson became a Bat Mitzvah, it was one of the proudest days of my life. Another example was sleepaway summer camp for Ally. By then, we were divorced. My ex-husband had remarried and said he couldn’t afford this. I didn’t care. I sent her to camp, and Bobby and I paid for it.
I never let money get in the way of my relationship with my ex-husband, Steven. I also don’t agree with parents bad-mouthing each other when they get divorced. I was lucky because Bobby is very generous and treats Ally like one of his own children, so Ally was able to grow up in a very comfortable lifestyle. If one parent has to pay more when the other is less flush, who cares? We both love Ally unconditionally and do the best we can. I picked Steven knowing he would be a great father. We might not have agreed on how much “stuff” she should have, but he gives her as much love as he can give. That is really what counts, isn’t it? ■
WHAT WE SHOULD DO
Consult with our significant others about every decision as it relates to our children. Make joint decisions about spending money on the children’s welfare.
WHAT WE REALLY DO
Consult with our mothers, sisters and friends. If they agree with us that our kids need something, we find the money and do what we have to do.
ask yourself
1.
Do you put your child’s interests ahead of yours?
2.
Do you give your husband veto power over expenditures on your child that you think are necessary?
3.
What decisions have you made on your own, without informing your spouse, that related to your kids? Were they justified?
How Critical Can You Be . . . And Can You Stop Yourself Anyway?
The Jewish mother considers it her duty to mother everyone she knows. However, like mothers everywhere, the Jewish mother reserves a special place in her heart for her own children, those lucky few who get to be on the receiving end of her advice, criticism and running commentary. We hereby apologize to our children, and our children’s children, for the inevitable insecurities they will suffer with respect to their grades, their posture and in whatever other way we may have unwittingly injured their psyches. However, we do not apologize for criticizing their messy rooms, their procrastination on schoolwork and their “smart mouths.” After all, what are mothers for?
Gloria on Criticism and Guilt
I hate it when I hear parents get their kids to do things by making them feel guilty. My sister Cooky, on the other hand, is a big believer in guilt. She thinks guilt reflects a good moral conscience. I don’t agree. I hate guilt. ■

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