Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (36 page)

Recently, I complimented an acquaintance on the conduct of her thirteen-year-old daughter. At first, her mother accepted the compliment graciously, with a simple thank-you. Then she corrected herself and went on at length to tell me that she, the mother, deserved the credit because of all the efforts she had put into that child. I thought to myself, “This mother is a jerk.” She should count her blessings, instead of patting herself on the back. ■

1.
Why did you decide to have kids?

2.
So far, is parenting kids what you expected it to be?

3.
Who is your best parental role model? Do you seek his or her advice? As often as you should?

4.
Who is more responsible for your child’s good grades in school, you or your child? Why?

5.
In what ways has your child’s nature been the same since birth?

6.
In what ways has your child’s nature changed since birth? Do you think the changes are due to your interventions?

7.
Do you blame your parents for your own worst attributes? Is that fair?

8.
What behaviors in your child do you think your parenting could affect?

All the kids on our street always played together, both outside and inside. Sure, they didn’t always get along, but they always worked it out. One day, a new kid moved into the neighborhood and told the others that he didn’t want to play ball with one of the kids. I think this new boy was trying to exercise some kind of power over what went on in the neighborhood. When my daughter told me about it, I didn’t think it was fair. I could see that this was already leading to all sorts of hurt feelings—one kid “in the game” one day, out another. So I approached this new boy myself and told him that we had a neighborhood rule—and the rule was that if you played outside, no kid could be excluded. If you wanted to invite somebody inside your house, that was different, but the outside belonged to everyone. I also told all the other parents on the street about this rule, and they agreed that it was fair. I think I saved us a lot of
tsuris.
After the rule was explained to all the kids, no one excluded anybody else from playing outside again.

It’s interesting to me now that a new generation of little ones is growing up in our neighborhood with the exact same issues. I heard about it, and once again interfered and told them our neighborhood rule. I hope it works for them the way it worked for our kids.

The moral of this story? If we see any kid get hurt, ours or somebody else’s, we should speak up. When our kids get cut, we bleed. ■

1.
Have you ever seen your child bullied or mocked? What did you feel like doing? What did you actually do?

2.
Have you ever seen your child taunt or bully another child? What did you do about it?

3.
How did you react when your child had his or her heart broken? What did you cook?

I had gone to Kinni-Kinnic, a sleepaway girl’s camp in Vermont, for five years. I loved that camp; it still comes to me in dreams. Jill had come with me for the last two of those years. I assumed we would be going back together for a sixth summer. This was in the fall of 1973, the height of a terrible recession. As it turned out, Mom and Dad could not afford to send both of us back to camp. So what did they do? They sat me down and told me that Jill was going to camp without me. They had decided that she was entitled to one more summer there because I had already had five summers of camp. I remember feeling both resentful and shocked when they first told me. I didn’t think it was fair. I was the one who loved camp more.

But after a few weeks, I adjusted. By the time summer arrived, my reaction had changed. I rationalized that I was getting too old for camp anyway. I took a kind of pride in the fact that I had been asked to sacrifice my last summer at camp so that Jill could have one more summer there. It made me feel good, not bad. Plus I learned to type that summer, the most useful skill I ever learned in school. ■

Until I read Lisa’s story as we were writing this book, I had no idea about any of this. I didn’t know about our parents’ finances that summer, nor did I know that Lisa was told she couldn’t go to camp so I could go instead. If I had known, I would have told my parents not to send me! I had the worst bunk ever; the other girls tortured me. I spent most of the summer being punished, sitting under the flagpole. ■

1.
In what ways were you treated unfairly when it came to your siblings?

2.
How did unfair treatment by your parents affect your relationship with your siblings?

3.
What do you do as a parent that is unequal but still fair?

4.
Do you have a favorite child? What makes that child your favorite? Do you think your other kids know? How do you think it makes the other kids feel?