Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (34 page)

Greed
will do you in! I have seen that many people seem to lose their grasp on reality when suddenly coming into a lot of money, like winning the lottery. I feel very lucky that I hit the jackpot with what really counts in life, namely, my children, a kind and good husband and being surrounded by people who care about me. That is what money can never buy. Everyone wants a nice home, a good education for their kids and nice clothes. That’s all great, and people should strive to achieve that, but the question really is, “What is enough?” To some there is never enough of anything that they want. I think we have to sit back and revise what is important to us. “I have to have ... ” is a mantra to too many people. ■

Greed and competition—to me they do seem connected. I was the “it’s never enough” kid. I never took no for an answer and always wanted more. I am very competitive—with myself. Does that make me greedy? Not really. I don’t think someone else should go without something so that I can have it—my philosophy is the world is big enough for everybody to have what they want! ■

1.
How much money is enough for you?

2.
Do you ever feel content with what you have?

3.
Do you negotiate with people until it gets ugly and ask for more than you know you deserve? Why?

My best friend Sandy was going on a church mission trip to the Dominican Republic to teach “Vacation Bible School,” which was a term I had never heard of. So, I invited myself, and they were happy to have me. I figured I could teach math and English while everyone else taught scripture. Joanna was eight years old, and I brought her with me. We stayed at a very primitive and extremely poor boys’ orphanage in Esperanza, a town not too far from Haiti. Huge insects climbed up the walls. Joanna was terrified, but she got through it. My non-Spanish-speaking eight-year-old taught the boys basic arithmetic and made some great friends.

This experience changed my life. I couldn’t get these kids out of my mind. I continued to send clothing and medical supplies to them long after I returned home. Joanna and I visited them almost every year. I took two boys under my wing and sponsored their educations. I made at least one lifelong friend.

Last February, Joanna and I brought Jill and Ally with us to visit all the kids. They loved meeting everyone. You can’t help but be extremely generous when you get there. When you see how little others have, compared to what we take for granted, you want to do everything possible. There is no doubt in my mind that I received much more from these experiences than I gave. ■

Bobby always says, “We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give.” Every charity needs support and exposure, but sadly I can use my resources only on what is meaningful to us. Over the past few years we helped raise money for Help for Orphans, which aids poor children in Africa, and
Creakyjoints.org
, to promote health and education for arthritis. My philosophy is if someone asks for it, they probably need it. So yes, we do give money to people on the street. This is controversial, but if a small gift can make a sad person smile ... it is certainly worth more than a few dollars to me. ■

1.
Do you make it a priority to volunteer your time or give money to charity? Why or why not?

2.
Do you know anyone who needs you? It doesn’t have to be an organization; how about an acquaintance who could use a friend?

I never understood people who hold on to their stem-ware and sterling silver long after they stop giving dinner parties. What for? To look at it in a drawer? Same thing with jewelry. After a time, my pearls looked better on my daughter’s neck than on mine. So I gave them to her. Exactly what was I saving them for? I much prefer to see my daughters look beautiful during my lifetime than have them wait until after I have gone to enjoy my things. I don’t understand mothers who feel differently about this.

When it comes to an estate, a parent has to be very careful. There is a philosophy that says if you have one rich child and two poor children then you should give the poor ones more money because they need it more. I do not agree with this. I’ve seen that money is round; the rich son today can be poorer than the daughter tomorrow. You can’t know in advance how much money your children will need. Unless there is another very good reason to treat kids differently, I believe every child should have an equal share of a parent’s estate. If you are really worried about the financial situation of one of your kids, then give her some money now. It is that simple. ■

As a practicing probate attorney, I have counseled many families on this issue. Parents have poured their hearts out to me, and the situations vary widely.

When it comes to estates, money is love. Pure and simple. You can rationalize all you want that your daughter is married to a no-goodnik and needs your money, while your big-shot son is a hedge fund millionaire, but I am telling you that your kids do not see it that way and never will. If you want your children to be unable to look each other in the eye after the funeral, then by all means, give them unequal shares in your will. But if you want them to stay close, or at least hold on to the idea that you loved them equally, then give them equal shares in your will. Anything else will be interpreted by them as “you loved her more than you loved me.” Are there exceptions to this rule? Yes, but they are rare. If a client comes to me and simply wants to leave one child more money than the other because of financial circumstances, I advise them against it. I agree with my mother; money is round. In this case, money is also love. ■