Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (37 page)

BOOK: Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love
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Gloria’s Recollection
When I was growing up, parents did not include their children in any decisions, important or otherwise. I always thought that was a mistake. I decided to do it differently when I had my own children. ■
Jill’s Story
A question I get asked frequently is, “Why did you decide to do a reality TV show?” I always answer, “We” decided to do the show, not “I.” It was a family decision. With respect to Allyson, she was fourteen at the time and I felt she was old enough to understand what her role would be. Allyson herself decided she wanted to tell the world that she has a form of arthritis, which is often referred to as “an old person’s disease.” People still tell me they never knew children could be afflicted with it. Thousands of fans have contacted me to share their own stories of living with arthritis. Allyson wanted to help other children by sharing her story. She lives with pain every day and works twice as hard to overcome it. The production company was extremely respectful of her privacy and feelings. Allyson is a wonderful girl, and I am very pleased with how she has been portrayed. ■
WHAT WE SHOULD DO WHEN A MAJOR CHANGE WILL AFFECT OUR KIDS’ LIVES
Sit down with your children, discuss the change with them and give them the respect they deserve. Be sure to solicit their input over any aspect of the decision in which they can exert some control.
WHAT WE REALLY DO
We’re pretty good on this one. We really do these things.
ask yourself
1.
As a kid, did something happen to your family that you wish you had been informed of ahead of time? Would it have helped you to adjust better if you had been informed?
2.
As a parent, have you made a unilateral decision that had a substantial impact on your child over which your child felt he had no control? Could you have had handled that situation differently? Should you have?
3.
Are you afraid of letting your kids know what is happening because you would prefer to avoid their reaction? How mature does that make you?
4.
How easy is it for you to sit down and talk to your kids? If it’s not easy, why? What are you afraid of?
5.
How well do you communicate the rationale of your decisions to your children?
Pay Attention: Sit on the Bed
Jewish mothers are always paying attention. They may seem as if they are on the phone with their mothers while their child is snatching that fourth cookie, but their eyes are everywhere. They see that cookie; they know who ate it. They even know how many calories it has. Do we believe that our children must believe in our all-knowing, omniscient power? Of course. We tell our children that no matter what they try to get away with, somehow we will find out. You remember that cliché about our eyes being in the backs of our heads? Each of us has four. Nevertheless, despite vigilant attention, all kids feel neglected sometimes and feel that their parents are not paying enough attention to them or their feelings.
Some people are action oriented and wake their families up at the crack of dawn for that five-mile jog. Not our group. We are bed people. We would rather stay in bed and do the puzzle. We cuddle a lot. We buy small dogs so that they can cuddle with us. When you are having trouble communicating with your kid, sit on her bed while she is in the room. Just plant yourself there. Create a vibe around you that is serene and patient—make it seem like you’ve got all the time in the world. This is your time to fully focus on your child when she is ready for you. Read a magazine to pass the time while you are waiting for her to look up from her computer. Eventually she will. Here is the predictable course of events:
1. Your child inevitably screams: “What are you doing in my room? Get out of my room. This is my room.” Do not be deterred; it may be her room, but you are still paying the rent.
2. After an attempt to keep you out of the room has failed, your child will now ignore you. No problem, you’ve got all the time in the world.
3. Eventually, your child will start the conversation. Wait for it—it will come.
4. Take your cue and watch your words. This is not your time to lecture; this is your time to listen.
5. By the end of the conversation, your kid will probably have asked you for some guidance about some issue in his or her life.
The message that you give by sitting on their beds is simple: “I am your mother; you are the most important person in the world to me. No phone call is more important than you are; no television program or e-mail is more interesting to me than what is on your mind.”
Try it. You too, dads. It works every time. Every time you do this you will discover something new about what is going on in your kids’ lives. If you do it often, your kids will actually look forward to it, though they may not admit it.
WHAT WE SHOULD DO
Sit on the bed every night. Really pay attention during the few moments alone we have with our kids.
WHAT WE REALLY DO
Sit on the bed when we suspect something is going wrong.
ask yourself
1.
How often do you turn off all devices and distractions to let your children know that you are there for them, with 100 percent attention?
2.
How well do you communicate with your kids?
3.
Do you have the feeling your kids confide in you? Why or why not?
4.
Do you do as much listening as talking when you do have their attention?
You Don’t Have to Like Me; You Don’t Have to Love Me; You Absolutely
Must Respect
Me
We Jewish mothers absolutely cannot stand to see adults who allow their children to treat them as equals. We are not our children’s equals, nor are we our children’s friends. Mommy always says, “You get one mother in this world and one father.” (Okay, sometimes more than one, but you know what we mean.) What was her point? That parents need to act as parents—supervising, nurturing and disciplining. Tempting as it may be to be your child’s friend, that’s not your role. If you are lucky, when your child is all grown up, you may have both a friend and a child. But don’t rush it, and never mistake the difference between parent and peer.
As Mommy ran after us at various times when we were kids, occasionally screaming at the top of her lungs, she would repeat this phrase: “I don’t care if you like me; I don’t care if you love me; but you sure as hell will respect me.” Whew! Somehow it got into our brains that respect was the be-all and end-all of the parent-child relationship.
Think of that message of respect—it’s so contrary to everything we have heard in the last forty years. We are taught that “like” and “love” are the aspects of a parent-child relationship we should covet. But like and love miss the point. Love is natural; it is always there. Like is often a matter of personality. Respect is what a parent must demand; respect of a parent shapes a child’s character. Respect gives the parent-child relationship the right kind of distance. Disrespect of a parent engenders disrespect of all authority—teachers, police, bosses, leaders. To raise a good citizen, a parent must demand the respect of her child.
Talking back, or as we call it, “being fresh,” is the most common method of showing disrespect. Sadly, it is running rampant today—don’t you agree? Disrespect ranges from what we would call a negative “tone” to cursing directly at a parent. Although we recognize that this is a losing battle in today’s culture, we still fight the good fight. You can’t really love your parents if you don’t respect them.
Gloria’s Experience
If I talked back to Mother when Dad was around he would force me to apologize immediately. I had to say I was sorry, even if I wasn’t. In those days, children were more afraid of their parents than we are today. ■
Jill and Lisa
When we hear our own kids speak to us sometimes, the first thing we say and think is “We would never, in a
million
years, have spoken that way to our parents.” Number one, it wouldn’t have occurred to us to show such disrespect, and number two, if we had said that to them, we cannot imagine the consequence. It is literally unthinkable.
We couldn’t even get away with referring to Mommy as “she” in the third person. For example, we could never say to Dad while Mom was at the table, “She wouldn’t let us go out tonight.” She? She who? It was considered rude beyond measure and not accepted in our house. ■
WHAT WE SHOULD DO
Neither lose our tempers, nor overreact or threaten punishments we have no intention of enforcing.
WHAT WE REALLY DO
Get angry, either threaten things we don’t enforce, shout or give them the ice treatment for a while, and then go back to normal. Once in a while, we get the apology we deserve.
ask yourself
1.
Do you show respect to your parents?
2.
Do you demand that your children show you respect? How do you do that?
3.
What are the consequences of disrespect in your house?
4.
Do you allow programs in your home that implicitly condone disrespect of parents? Watch what your kids are watching. If you are not happy, get up from the sofa and turn off the
drek.
Parents Are Suckers
As a parent, you tolerate behavior in your own children that you would never tolerate in anyone else. If your friend left an open granola bar in the crevice of your sofa more than once, chances are you would mutter to yourself, “Slob,” and cross her off the dinner party list. Not if your daughter did that—like the model parent that you are, you will actually make her a hot meal the next night and invite her to join you at the table. If another friend consistently ignored your friendly hellos, which eventually morphed into desperate entreaties to open the door and come down to dinner, you might drop the relationship altogether. Not if your son acts that way. No, he, too, will be invited to join you at a meal. You might even create four separate meals at the same dinner table to cater to all the dislikes and preferences of your family. Admit it. You know who you are. You are us.

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