Seeing Your Face Again (29 page)

Mamm
turned to face Ida. “It's his children, I guess, that really bother me. They've been without a
mamm
for a year now. Melvin's not the best disciplinarian from what I've heard. Not like his brother.”

“And we can thank
Da Hah
for that,” Ida said, before she thought how the words might sound.

Mamm
didn't appear impressed. “Just because he's helping us out with Debbie doesn't make a man's easy ways the right thing, Ida. I
hope you know that. Those children will be a handful. The oldest, Willard, isn't but nine years of age. The youngest one is only two. And none of them are yours, Ida. Do you know what that means?”

Ida swallowed hard. “Are you saying I'm not up to this,
Mamm
?”

A gentle smile spread across
Mamm
's face. “You'd be up to it if anyone would be, Ida. And that's saying a lot. But I wish you'd know a little more about what you're getting into before you say the wedding vows with the man. There's no going back after that.”

“I know the man. That's
gut
enough for me.” Ida busied herself folding the wash. This wasn't how she had wanted this conversation to go. But
Mamm
had a right to ask questions, and there was little she could do until
Mamm
was comfortable with the answers.

“Is Melvin being appropriate with you?”
Mamm
fixed her gaze on Ida.

“
Mamm
!” Ida gasped. “You don't really think that do you?”

Mamm
shrugged. “He was once a married man, Ida. I don't expect he'd do anything very wrong, but he could be leading you on by…could that be influencing your mind?”

Ida knew her face blazed red, and
Mamm
probably thought this was evidence of her guilt. So she might as well not hide anything. “He kissed me last night. After I said
yah
to marrying him. Is that a sin? And I liked it. I'm hoping that's not a sin either.”

Mamm
relaxed a little. “And is that all?”

“He held my hand.” Ida tried to breathe evenly. “Really,
Mamm
, must we speak of this?”

“Then keep it so until you've said the vows with him.”
Mamm
turned around to stir the soup again. “This still doesn't solve my concern about his children.”

Ida protested, “I'm almost an old maid,
Mamm
! I'm over twenty-four! Just be thankful I have an offer like this. And from a man I like, at that.”

Mamm
ignored the comment. “I think you need to visit his family—with someone along, of course. And spend some time with his
children. Maybe make supper for them a few evenings. That will give you a chance to see what you're getting into.”

“I'm not going to change my mind.” Ida's voice was firm.

“I'm not saying you will,”
Mamm
said. “But I won't rest easy until I know you've seen what you're getting into. And Debbie would be the perfect one to go with you. It will keep anyone from thinking there's something inappropriate going on. The two of you could be back home by nine or so, and that should work out just fine.”

“Who would have thought you'd object,” Ida groused. “After
Daett
finally likes a man his daughter is dating.”

“Things don't always turn out like one plans.” A wry gleam played on
Mamm
's face. “And someone has to look out for you if
Daett
's eyes are blinded by church business.”

Ida kept silent. There really was nothing more to say, and
Mamm
's requirement wasn't that unreasonable. She was Melvin's promised one, and this would improve their marriage in the long run. The children would get to know her better by the wedding date, and it wouldn't be as much of a shock once she showed up fulltime.

“You will do this then?”
Mamm
interrupted her thoughts.

“I'll ask Melvin on Sunday evening. I can't imagine he'll object. Now, can we do the real wedding planning?” Ida got up to take the folded pile of clothing into the living room. She returned with a fresh hamper of unfolded wash.

Mamm
spoke before Ida sat down. “You say you want a small wedding, so we should only invite our church district and the immediate family. Even then there will be more than 200 people. And we'll ruffle some feathers by omitting the cousins, I'm afraid.”

“It'll just have to be.” Ida's tone was certain.

“
Nee
. I disagree.”
Mamm
turned to face her. “You've been decent with my fears. You've agreed to do the extra work it will take to visit Melvin's family and prepare supper for them. Now I'm going to do what's best for you. You're going to have the same size wedding as Verna had.”
Mamm
held up her hand as Ida opened her mouth to
protest. “You're just as much our daughter as Verna, and these are circumstances beyond your control. There's no dishonor in taking a widower as a husband. I will not have it look like we think so. And I'm sure
Daett
will feel the same way.”

“But…” Ida got her protest in this time. “But I don't feel that way at all.”

“That's because you don't think of yourself like you ought to sometimes, Ida. Your heart is set on serving other people. That's why I'm looking out for you, and after you're married to that man he'd better not take advantage of your good nature.”
Mamm
shook her finger in Ida's direction.

Ida laughed. “You don't have to worry about that. Melvin does love me. I know that.”

Mamm
raised her eyebrows. “Why? Because the man kissed you? That's not enough for me, Ida.”

Ida looked away. Her cheeks burned again, and it was clearly time to move on. “Will you have the wedding here then? Like Verna and Joe did?”

“Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way.”
Mamm
's voice was firm. “All my daughters will get married in this house.”

“Even Lois?” Ida regretted the question as soon as she asked it.

Mamm
was silent for a moment. Then she said, “I pray so. If not, I fear Lois is going to ruin her life. Oh, where did we fail her,
Hah
?
Daett
and I tried so hard, but it was as if her heart was turned from us even in the beginning. As a small girl she'd stand and admire
Englisha
dresses in the shop windows in Mifflinburg. I used to think it was cute until the truth dawned on me. How could I not have seen what was happening sooner?”

“You did all you could do,” Ida said. She got up to slip her arm around
Mamm
's shoulder. They clung to each other for a long moment.

“At least Lois is not in the
bann
.”
Mamm
wiped her eyes and returned to the stove and her supper preparations.

They comforted themselves with small blessings, Ida figured. But there was nothing wrong with that. A vision of Alvin Knepp and his awful spiritual condition while under the
bann
flashed through her mind. If Lois were in such a state…Ida pushed the thought away. She didn't even want to think such thoughts! Should she tell
Mamm
more about the talk with Lois this morning? Ida decided to remain silent.
Mamm
had enough problems right now, and so did she. Debbie would be home soon, and she would ask if Debbie would go with her to Melvin's place. Debbie shouldn't have any objections. Not after she explained why
Mamm
wanted these visits. And if there were, she could tell Debbie about the part Melvin had played in her being allowed to remain in the community. Debbie would want to help out after that.

Mamm
interrupted her thoughts. “I'm glad you're not doing what Lois is. I want to be sure you know that.”

“Thank you,” Ida replied.

She never would follow in Lois's footsteps, and
Mamm
knew that.
Mamm
attempted a smile as Ida left with the pile of folded wash. She put the laundry away in the bedroom dressers and then finished the rest of the wash on the dining room table. Mamm continued supper preparations…both women quiet in their thoughts.

Twenty-Eight

O
n Friday night of that week, Alvin paused at his mailbox at the Park Heights Apartments. He took the three envelopes out and turned them over in his hand. One looked like a credit card application, one had no return address, and the third letter he slid into his pocket. His parents' return address was written on it. He'd open it once the pain in his chest subsided. The news from home couldn't be
gut
. On top of that, he was much more homesick than he'd ever imagined he'd become. Going back wasn't something he could do. There were simply too many unresolved issues.

Alvin pushed open the door of his apartment and turned on the lamp near the couch. His gaze took in his surroundings for a long moment before it settled on the electric stove with the microwave above it. He'd become more
Englisha
each day, and now used both with regularity. Though these objects of the world no longer caused him pause, inside he was still Amish enough to know he didn't really belong here. And yet where
did
he belong?

Alvin flopped down on the couch and ripped open the letter from home. He might as well face whatever accusing words were written there. This would be from his
mamm
, he knew. His
daett
wouldn't even think to write—even if they'd been close, which they hadn't.

Dear son,

I hope this finds you well. We've survived the winter okay, and spring is slowly trying to break out. Hopefully the city doesn't spread germs and infections around like I've heard it does. I can't imagine you being affected much anyway, having been raised on the farm like you were.

With the coming of spring, our financial problems on the farm are fully out in the open for all to see. I'm ashamed, as is your
daett
. In a way I'm glad you're not here to experience this. Although I do so wish you wouldn't have chosen this way out—that of being cast out of the church. My heart breaks just thinking about your spiritual condition. Please reconsider what you're doing. Nothing could be as bad here as being outside
Da Hah
's will there. We have relatives in Ohio, Alvin. You can visit them for a few months and make things right with the church from there. Anything would be better than being out there in that awful world. Think about this, would you?

I've also continued thinking long and hard on what went wrong that caused you to leave because I know something did. Something you haven't told either your
daett
or me. Even with my continued ill health I've spent hours in prayer, asking
Da Hah
to show me what it could be. I've asked Him to tell us where we offended you. And I believe I'm beginning to see that the farm problems you had with
daett
certainly do lie at the root of this matter. I haven't yet spoken to your
daett
about these thoughts, but I will when the time is right.

I don't know much about farming, Alvin, and that's perhaps why I've never paid much attention. I've preferred
to allow your
daett
to run things as he pleased—and is that not how things should be? Yet, this financial ruin we are under has changed a lot. I've had to sit in the living room while a committee of men—of which Deacon Mast is the head—sit at the kitchen table with
Daett
going over the operations of the farm. I tell you, Alvin, it is a shame no one should have to bear. I now walk into the Sunday morning meetings with my head bowed. And I wouldn't even think of attending the monthly sewings—at least not until this is over. And from the looks of things, it won't be over for a very long time.

These past evenings I've listened to the committee talking with
Daett
, and I've heard them say things that you've said so many times that
Daett
never paid attention to. I'm sorry, Alvin. I never thought things were in a serious enough state to intervene. But the matter is becoming as clear to me as daylight. You knew how to farm with the newfangled ways the committee keeps bringing up and your
Daett
would never allow. Now they are forcing him to change. He fumes and fusses, sometimes right to their faces, but they don't back down.