Seeing Your Face Again (30 page)

Am I not right in thinking this was the primary reason for your leaving, Alvin? Did you perhaps see this coming? But surely this alone wouldn't have been enough to drive you away from us. And yet, perhaps it's more serious than I imagine. I lie awake at night wondering, doubting myself, wishing I could have done things differently. Where was I anyway? You were so different from the other boys, Alvin. I should have done something sooner. I should have spoken with
Daett
, but it seemed too difficult. Especially after your brothers grew up in front of you, all of them caring little how things were done around here. I guess I expected things would turn out the same. Then when
Da Hah
sends
us the one boy with the answers, we were too blind to see it. I really do think we have wronged you greatly, Alvin, and now we are paying for it with this great shame that hangs over our heads.
Daett
isn't even allowed to buy a dollar of seed without the committee's permission.

I fear that
Daett
will never change. I don't think he's able, Alvin. He's too old. He has to listen to what the committee tells him, but he won't do it right. I know he won't. He might try because he has to, but it's not in his heart.

If we are to save the farm, you must come home. Can you forgive us enough to consider this?

This brings me back to my original question. Was this the only reason you left? I used to think Debbie was partly to blame. You loved her, didn't you? You always seemed so taken with her. I saw how much it meant when you were asked to be a table waiter with her at Verna's wedding. That set-up was Debbie's doing, wasn't it? I think so, and I wish to ask your forgiveness on that matter also. I once imagined ill of her, but Debbie is a much better girl than I thought she was.

Alvin put the letter on his lap for a moment. He wiped his eyes with the back of one hand and stared at the blank wall. This was not what he'd expected. What had come over his
mamm
? Was it the shock of what the family was going through right now? Could he believe what he was reading? Did his
mamm
really understand him? And now she was even apologizing for her objections to Debbie? He picked the letter up again.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, Alvin, because I do want you to return to the community for the right reason. But I'm also your
mamm
, and I hope
Da Hah
understands that I'd do almost anything to bring you back. Not just because I
want you back, but because returning to the faith is the only way you will ever be happy. I know you well enough to know that, Alvin. I'm your
mamm.

There's been a fuss in the community lately about Debbie. I myself had things to say on the matter, but I freely admit I was wrong. The recent trouble with Debbie flared up when Bishop Beiler's daughter Lois left for the
Englisha
world. Many in the community blamed Debbie's influence. In the midst of all that, I heard that Paul Wagler made a move to win Debbie's hand. That sounds like he was trying to take advantage of the woman to me, since I know Debbie wished to stay in the community at all costs. But Debbie turned down his request to take her home from the Sunday night hymn singing in the face of all that. I couldn't believe this when I heard the news. She turned down Paul's advances even though it would likely result in a denial of her heart's desire to stay in the community.

Doesn't that tell you something? Debbie's not going to fall for Paul Wagler under any circumstances. Take that into account, Alvin. And the fact that I now see the
gut
heart the woman has.

Again, I'm sorry about all this, Alvin. Hopefully you can find forgiveness in your heart for our shortcomings. Come home. We can work things out. Talk to Deacon Mast. Tell him you see your mistake. Tell him you know the
Englisha
world isn't the answer to your problems. If you return, your
daett
and I will move to a
dawdy haus
. I'll see that
Daett
gives you full control on the farm, and the committee will back me up.

You still have a chance with Debbie. I know you do. She has a heart that longs for what we have. Don't throw this chance away, Alvin. I know the road hasn't been easy for
you, but you've done some things right—like not speaking evil of
Daett
during this time. So consider my words. Please? There's still time to make this right.

With all my prayers and my longing heart,

Your
mamm
, Helen

Alvin stood and paced the floor, the letter dangling from his fingers. Moments later it dropped to the floor and slid under the kitchen table. Alvin didn't notice. He came to a halt before the picture window overlooking the street below. The line of cars moved past as usual, but he wasn't seeing them. In his mind's eye he saw the rolling valley around the small town of Beaver Springs. A thin stretch of blacktop ran toward Lewistown in the west and east toward Middleburg, but in-between were the fertile farmlands where men grew crops like
Da Hah
had instructed Adam after he was driven out of the garden. “In toil you shall eat of [the ground] all the days of your life…In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread.”

He'd known that kind of work all his life; from dawn to dusk, while spring broke across the land and summer lay just around the corner, in the long fall and winter nights he'd waited out the cold. He'd tended the livestock in the barn and longed for the sun's warmth to bring the land to life again. That was his world. And
Mamm
had figured out the main problem. All the years he had lived in the house, she'd tended to him like she had his brothers. But they had never spoken words like these before.

But now it seemed the thoughts had surely been near the surface. It was
Daett
who had kept them at bay. Alvin must mend that fence, but how?
Daett
would not look upon his return as a blessing, not while this shame hung over the farm. Not while he, Alvin, his youngest son, would side with the committee. Regardless of what
Mamm
said,
Daett
would feel betrayal far beyond anything that had happened so far. Alvin had said over and over through the years how things needed to change on the farm. That had been one thing.
Daett
could take or leave his advice, but now all that had changed. If he went back, his words would stand against
Daett
's and win the day.
Mamm
would never fully understand what that would mean.

What was he to do? He couldn't rush home, and he did have an attachment here now. There was Crystal to think of. He couldn't just walk away from her. And he hadn't even thought of Debbie in some time. Not that long ago he would have felt a great shame because another girl had made her way into his heart. Somehow it had happened, and now it couldn't easily be undone. And Crystal planned to go out with him tonight for another walk to the park, as was their habit. He wouldn't stand her up. Not ever.

Alvin glanced around. His gaze finally found the letter under the kitchen table. He reached down and retrieved it. He slid the letter into the desk drawer. He had to eat supper and get ready. He would think more about this later.

Twenty-Nine

A
lvin was waiting in the lobby of Park Heights Apartments when Crystal came out of the elevator with Brutus pulling on the leash. Alvin greeted her with a slight smile, but it wasn't enough to fool Crystal.

“Alvin, you look worried. Did something happen at work?”

“No, just a letter from home.” He held the front door for her, and Brutus rushed out, nearly dragging Crystal with him. She laughed and hung on. Alvin sprinted after her and caught up in the parking lot. When they were able to begin a restrained walk with Brutus, she pressed the matter. “Not good news, huh?”

“You could say that.” He stayed on the street side as they made their way briskly toward Clovery Park.

“Parents not doing well?” she persisted. He'd given her only the briefest descriptions of where he came from and life at home. She knew he'd been raised Amish, but he avoided the subject whenever possible.

“A little trouble with money,” he said.

She laughed again. “Doesn't everyone have that?”

When he only grunted, she probed. “You've never told me much about your family.”

Maybe I don't want to
, he almost said. When she looked at him, he responded, “They live in Snyder County.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Is that the great secret? You can tell me, you know.”

“Amish troubles,” he muttered. He blurted the rest out. “I've been thrown out of our church. My
mamm
wants me home to straighten things up. And
Daett
is in trouble over his mismanagement of the family farm.”

“Oh…” Her voice was sympathetic.

Alvin kept his gaze averted.

She pulled on his arm with her free hand. “I'm sorry. That must be awful. I hadn't imagined anything like that.”

“It happens I suppose.” He still didn't look at her.

“Thinking of going back?” Her voice cut into his thoughts.

Alvin flinched. “Not really.”

“So what are you doing way out here…living in an apartment…all by yourself? That must have been an awful fight you had with your folks.”

“Amish don't fight,” he said.

She guffawed. “You don't say!”

Alvin felt the shame burn inside him. “I guess we do underneath where no one sees.”

She was sympathetic. “Don't take me wrong, Alvin. I didn't mean that negatively. It's just my way of saying things.”

Alvin knew he shouldn't, but he said the words anyway. “I suppose you think I'm a coward for running from my problems.”

She pulled on his arm again. “Of course not. You don't have a cowardly bone in your body. That's what I like about you—a wholesomeness I haven't seen before. Maybe never. I don't know. But you have it. If you went off without a family blow-up, it must be for a good reason. You wouldn't do anything wrong, Alvin.”

He glanced at her. “Thank you for believing in me.” The shame burned a little less. She had that effect on him. That's what he liked about her. It had never been so obvious, but tonight when he needed words that healed, she'd spoken them.

“You're thanking me?” Crystal hung on to the leash. Brutus had caught sight of the park entrance and made a dash forward. She reached down to unclip his leash. The dog raced off, disappearing from sight. “There! Now we can talk in peace. Come…” She took his hand. “Let's sit on the bench.”

Alvin allowed himself to be led, just as he'd allowed these increasingly intimate touches from her. They weren't wrong, he told himself. Dating couples at home touched each other in innocent ways. But he wasn't
really dating
Crystal, and yet it was as if he were. He couldn't be more confused if he tried, Alvin decided. He sat down on the bench beside her. Crystal smelled of flowers tonight. Roses, he thought.

She turned her head as if she knew his thoughts. “Do you like it?”

“It's wonderful,” he replied without looking at her.

She laughed. “Don't the girls you know at home wear perfume? Or does the smell of the horses drown out everything else?”

Alvin managed to join her in laughter. “I guess I wouldn't know. I have no sisters, and I've never really dated.”

“No sisters? And no dating?” Crystal's eyebrows went up. “You're an uneducated man indeed.”

He knew his neck was turning bright red with the heat of his emotions.

She didn't seem to mind. “Tsk, tsk, Alvin. This does explain much. But wait—wasn't there a girl somewhere in your story?”

“
Yah
.” She might as well know. He had no shame to hide when it came to Debbie.

Crystal frowned for a moment. “Was there news in the letter about her?”

He bit his lip and didn't answer. He didn't want to discuss
Debbie with her. And how would she understand his complicated feelings when it came to Debbie when he didn't? Crystal might not be impressed with a man who left the girl he loved because he expected to lose out to another man, no matter what his reasons were. Perhaps it was more evidence of cowardice.