Sequence (2 page)

She draws an emphatic negative line on the board.

MR. ADAMSON

I thought you graded on a curve.

DR. GUZMAN

Mr. Adamson, for any kind of curve to help you, it would have to have been the statistical equivalent of Marilyn Monroe being sucked into a black hole. You even got the last question wrong. I thought I made it clear. C, simultaneous, is not the answer. It's almost as if you were trying to fail this exam.

MR. ADAMSON

Why would I try to fail?

DR. GUZMAN

Why indeed. After I saw your result, as an experiment, I asked my graduate class to take this examination. And I assigned them the task of getting the
lowest
mark they could. The brightest guy in my group actually got
four
questions
right
. By accident! So how does some generic undergrad student earn the worst achievable score in my final examination?

MR. ADAMSON

What do you mean, “generic”?

DR. GUZMAN

Hmmm. Good question.

DR. GUZMAN pulls a voice recorder from her pocket.

(into voice recorder)
Can one be both generic and handicapped, or are the two mutually exclusive? Fascinating…

MR. ADAMSON

Dr. Guzman, I'm a little confused. You wanted to see me because I got every question wrong? Is that why?

DR. GUZMAN

I wanted to meet you, Mr. Adamson, because there are only four possible answers. A, you're exceptionally smart. B, you're exceptionally stupid. C, you're exceptionally unlucky. Or D, and I sincerely hope this is not the case, you cheated. Can you conceive of any other alternatives?

Auditorium

CYNTHIA

A coincidence? That word is incense laced with crack. Or vice versa.

THEO picks up his briefcase.

THEO

You don't believe in coincidences?

CYNTHIA

Sure I believe in them. They happen every day. Simply a random statistical event that occurs no more or less frequently than the models predict. It's called a co-incidence. Not a cause-incidence.

THEO

Guess what? My dog's name is Cynthia.

THEO tries to leave. CYNTHIA blocks his path. Repeatedly.

CYNTHIA

So what? There are twenty thousand Cynthias roaming this country. The chances are pretty good you'll cross paths with one of us sooner or later. I am so sick of people seeing a predictable co-incidence as some sort of wormhole into the mystical side of the universe. It's not very sexy and it clashes with everyone's yoga pants, but the truth is, your dog and I just happen to be in the same subset and our paths intersected today.

THEO

But just because there's a chance of something happening, that doesn't mean it's going to happen. You still need a little luck.

CYNTHIA

No, all you need is a little
math
. Talk to Pascal.

THEO

Who's Pascal?

CYNTHIA

Grandfather of probability theory. Have you heard of Pascal's Triangle? Pascal's Wager?

THEO

Rings a bell.

CYNTHIA

Pascal would tell you, while the odds of you bumping into a Cynthia right here and now are miniscule, the odds of something
like that
happening are high. Even
probable
. Guess what? I have a goldfish named Theodore. Woooo. The universe must be trying to tell us something. Maybe we should compare zodiac signs. I'm a Scorpio, what are you? No, wait… I might be an Aquarius. You know what impresses me more than coincidence?

THEO

Name-dropping historical figures?

CYNTHIA

A lack of coincidence. Assuming one possible event per second, each of us can expect a one-in-a-million miracle every month. Now, if you manage to make it through this whole month
without
bumping into a Cynthia,
then
call up the papers and tell them about the coincidence that
never
hap
pened
.

THEO

Math major?

THEO finally reaches the door.

CYNTHIA

Biology major, math minor, I mean, haven't you ever noticed you can only identify a coincidence in hindsight? But the best way to prove any scientific theory is to
predict
the outcome. If you'd woken up this morning and declared, “Today at 3:20 p.m., I'm going to meet a left-handed woman with a goldfish named Theo, who will inexplicably grab my briefcase…”

CYNTHIA grabs THEO's briefcase, runs away.

Now I'm interested!

THEO

Do you really have a goldfish named Theo?

CYNTHIA

You're not getting this, are you?

THEO

I knew someone who died on her birthday. You have to admit, that seems coincidental. Can I have my briefcase back?

CYNTHIA

Do you know what the odds are of dying on your birthday?

THEO

Let me see. One in 365?

CYNTHIA

Actually, one in 321.

THEO

Really? Why's that?

CYNTHIA

I don't know. My point is, dying on your birthday is no big deal. Statistically speaking. Shakespeare died on his birthday. Three people in the audience today will die on their birthday.

THEO

Maybe you.

CYNTHIA

Maybe me. But that doesn't mean the universe is trying to tell us something.

THEO

Fine, but you're here. In this room. Holding my briefcase. Why? Why here? Why now? It can't just be random chance, can it?

CYNTHIA

It can. But it isn't. There's another possibility.

Laboratory

DR. GUZMAN

Let's examine the options. A. You're exceptionally smart. I think we can safely exclude that possibility.

DR. GUZMAN searches for a screwdriver.

MR. ADAMSON

Based on what? My wheelchair?

DR. GUZMAN

Right, Professor Hawking, it's about your wheelchair. I'm just saying that if you are smart enough to get all the questions wrong, then I would expect you'd be smart enough to get them all right. I have no idea why an aspiring scientist would aim for negative one fifty.

MR. ADAMSON

So now you're calling me stupid?

DR. GUZMAN

Actually, no. If you were stupid enough to guess on all one hundred and fifty questions, you should still have gotten thirty-seven right. So, I ask myself, did you cheat? But for the life of me, I can't figure out why anyone would cheat to get the worst possible score. Can you?

MR. ADAMSON

No.

DR. GUZMAN

If you cheat on my exam, that tells me you think you're smarter than me. Do you think you're smarter than me, Mr. Adamson?

MR. ADAMSON

No.

DR. GUZMAN

So you're just unlucky. Exceptionally unlucky.

MR. ADAMSON

I don't believe in luck.

DR. GUZMAN

And I don't believe in handing over cheaters to that pansy-assed dean for a slap on the wrist.

MR. ADAMSON

I didn't cheat.

DR. GUZMAN

Well, it has to be one or the other, and I intend to find out which.

Auditorium

CYNTHIA

What if… I'm here today because I wanted to be here?

THEO tries to get his briefcase back, but CYNTHIA stays one step ahead.

Although CYNTHIA moves throughout the room, she conspicuously avoids walking under the ladder.

THEO

There are 999 other people who wanted to be here.

CYNTHIA

Give or take. But maybe these 999 rocket scientists were so busy reading chapter seven, “Change Your Luck by Changing the Way You Wipe Your Ass,” that they neglected to exercise their free will.

THEO

So you willed your way into being selected? Maybe I should read
your
book. How exactly does one overcome the one-in-a-thousand odds?

CYNTHIA

Let's see. Perhaps one could surreptitiously replace all the slips of paper in the jar with a bunch of new ones. I mean, really, is anyone going to pull out a second name to confirm the validity of the draw?

THEO

Are you saying you cheated?

CYNTHIA

Or maybe one could use one's analytical mind to consider that in both of your other readings this week, the “random draw” just happened to select a young woman in the front row who was wearing a miniskirt.

THEO

Are you saying
I
cheated?

CYNTHIA

Did you?

THEO

Maybe I just got lucky.

CYNTHIA

The chances of you selecting three young women wearing miniskirts from the front row, by chance alone, even assuming an
optimistic
ten per cent miniskirt coefficient is one in two billion.

THEO

It's not zero.

CYNTHIA

It's never zero. Unless it's impossible.

THEO

So you're saying I'm lucky.

CYNTHIA

Unbelievably lucky.

THEO

That's what I've been telling you!

Pause.

Did you actually sit through my talk three times?

CYNTHIA

Yes.

THEO

Why? Are you a stalker?

THEO corners CYNTHIA behind the ladder. Her only apparent option is to duck under the ladder. She hesitates.

CYNTHIA

Define stalker.

THEO

Why three times?

CYNTHIA

I was trying to decide.

Abruptly, CYNTHIA scrambles up the ladder, still holding the briefcase.

THEO

Decide what?

CYNTHIA sits on top of the ladder, briefcase on her lap.

CYNTHIA

Whether to wear a miniskirt.

THEO

Excellent decision.

CYNTHIA

Evidently. But I'm not going to sleep with you.

THEO

Zero chance?

CYNTHIA

Let's call it one in ten to the forty-ninth.

THEO

That's not zero. Right?

CYNTHIA

All you have to do is persuade me that sleeping with you will give me everything my little heart desires. Then yes, it's a non-zero probability.

THEO reaches into his inside jacket pocket. He produces a small bottle.

THEO

Champagne?

CYNTHIA

I shouldn't. I'm pregnant.

Laboratory

DR. GUZMAN

What are the odds? Mr. Adamson, do you know what the chances are of getting all one hundred and fifty questions wrong, purely by guessing? About the same chance as throwing sixty-three coins on the ground and having them
all
come up heads.
One in five quinti
llion
.

DR. GUZMAN finds a screwdriver, tries using it to open the briefcase.

So you see? I don't mean to insult you by calling you unlucky. It's a fact, not an opinion.

MR. ADAMSON

I disagree.

DR. GUZMAN

There is no other explanation.

MR. ADAMSON

There is.

DR. GUZMAN

Educate me.

MR. ADAMSON

Maybe it was God's will.

DR. GUZMAN

God?

She backs away from him, finds her white cane.

My unannounced late-night caller is a religious nut? This gets better and better.

MR. ADAMSON

I'm not a nut.

DR. GUZMAN

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were here under false pretenses.

MR. ADAMSON

I'm here because you said you wanted to see me. If we're all finished here—

DR. GUZMAN

Mr. Adamson, would you consider yourself unlucky?

MR. ADAMSON

Absolutely not.

DR. GUZMAN

Have you ever won anything?

MR. ADAMSON

I won the heart of a girl once. But she left me for someone who could walk. Darn walkers.

DR. GUZMAN

Anything random? A raffle? A toaster? Two tickets to a monster-truck show?

MR. ADAMSON

No, can't say I have.

DR. GUZMAN

Ever play a slot machine? Roulette? The lottery?

MR. ADAMSON

I've bought a lottery ticket every week for the last seven years.

DR. GUZMAN

What have you won?

MR. ADAMSON

I won a free ticket once. That was pretty exciting. I thought it was a sign.

DR. GUZMAN

Was it?

MR. ADAMSON

No.

MR. ADAMSON checks the watch on his right hand.

What time is it? I really should get going, it's getting kinda—

DR. GUZMAN

Why are you in a wheelchair?

MR. ADAMSON

Because I can't walk.

DR. GUZMAN

Thank you, Captain Pike, that's very helpful.

MR. ADAMSON

I was born with cerebral palsy. Doctors said I would never walk. But I proved them wrong. By my twelfth birthday I was actually the fastest kid on my football team.

DR. GUZMAN

Congratulations.

MR. ADAMSON

By thirteen I was back in a wheelchair.

DR. GUZMAN

What happened?

MR. ADAMSON

Drunk driver ran a crosswalk.

DR. GUZMAN

No shit.

MR. ADAMSON

There were eight of us crossing. Everybody else walked away. Doctors said I would never walk again. I didn't believe them.

DR. GUZMAN

(into voice recorder)
Cerebral palsy, one in three hundred. Drunk driver, one in eight.

MR. ADAMSON

You think I'm unlucky?

DR. GUZMAN

You think you're not?

MR. ADAMSON

I think God makes everything happen for a reason. If I wasn't disabled I probably wouldn't even be here talking to you. I'm pretty sure I only got admission because I'd look good in class pictures.

Auditorium

THEO

And that's why you're here today. Because you're pregnant.

CYNTHIA

That's a little presumptuous.

THEO

Something made you put on that miniskirt. I'll bet it has something to do with your baby. Am I right?

CYNTHIA doesn't respond.

First child?

CYNTHIA

First pregnancy. And last. I am not going through this again.