Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (34 page)

“Why did you go
all the way to New York if you were just going to up and leave me in the middle
of the night?”  I wasn’t wrong.  Same question.

“Honestly, I was
worried about you.”  I take a sip of my water hoping to swallow the lump
growing in my throat.  “I wasn’t prepared to actually see you, or expect for
what happened to happen.” 

He nods, but
whether or not he understands is questionable.  “What about the weeks before? 
You know, when you were ignoring my calls and e-mails.  Weren’t you worried
about me then?”  I know this is a sore subject for him, especially since this
is the first time I’ve even allowed him to ask any questions.

“I had my
sources keeping me up to date and I knew you were okay.”  Which is true; my day
wouldn’t have been complete without my daily update from Janice.  She had
access to his daily agenda and kept me in the loop anytime she made
reservations or scheduled meetings.

“Janice?”  I
nod.  Alex turns toward the bar; I can practically see the wheels turning in
his head.  “So you were worried, but that doesn’t explain why you slept with me
if you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“It’s not that I
don’t want you, Alex.  That’s never been the problem.  Right now, there are
just too many factors working against us.  You’re not looking at the big
picture.” 

He runs his
hands over his face in frustration.  If I were him I’d shake me until I spit it
out.   I guess he has much more patience than I do.  But then asks, “Such as?” 

And I don’t
hesitate.  He wants to know the reasons, here it is.  Well, partial reasons.
“Arianna for one.  Don’t you need your job?  Because I sure do.”

“Fuck Arianna.” 
I think that’s what got us into this problem in the first place, buddy.

“You did that
remember?  Look where it got you.”  Alex shoots daggers in my direction.
That
was a bad joke. 
“Okay okay…you can’t just say that Alex.  She controls our
future.”

“She doesn’t
control jack shit, Elyssa.  Not mine and she shouldn’t control yours.  She
doesn’t make decisions about our relationship.  We do.  If you want me, if you
really
want me, then you have me.  All you have to do is say the word.”

“And what if
everything goes to shit?  What if we both end up jobless, homeless, and starve
to death?  What about Nana?”

“Hart,” he
sighs, cupping my head in his strong hands.  “I’d rather live through struggles
with you, than be without you.  What’s a life of ease without the struggles
that make falling in love worthwhile?  I could have been with any of the women
from my past.  But the moment I met you, everything changed.  I don’t care
about the position or the money.  I only want you.”

As beautiful as
that speech was, and trust me I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever
said to me, he can’t dismiss Arianna like that.  I know I can’t.  If he won’t
listen to that sound reasoning, I’m going to have to bring up something that’s
going to hurt him even more.  Another half truth.  “I don’t know if I can deal
with your past, Alex.  It’s not just Arianna, it’s all of the women.”

“Do you know
what I see when I think of all of those women?”  I shake my head slowly,
lowering my eyes to the table.  “I see blurs of flesh, hair, smears of
lipstick, and flashes of money.  I hear empty words, innuendo lined promises,
and a constant repeat of give me, show me, me, me,
ME!
”  Alex grabs his
third bottle of beer and tips it back; the liquid moving down his throat in one
large, sexy swallow.  I love the way the muscles of his neck flexes as he slams
down his glass and tilts his head from side to side.  I can understand his frustration
considering he’s never had to answer for his past. 

His eyes gloss
over while he spins his bottle cap over and over again on the table.  “You were
the first.  The first one who ever gave me anything and never expected anything
in return.  You were the first one who gave herself to me without attempting to
take a piece of my dignity or freedom.  Don’t you see?  You were the first…the
only one who ever loved me.”

With tears
pooling in my eyes I turn away, glancing over at the dance floor filled with
happy couples holding tight and looking forward to their tomorrows instead of
dreading what the next day brings.  Wishing we were one of them, I stand and
nod my head towards the crowd.  This might be dangerous, but I can’t resist and
we need a break from the heavy.  “Dance with me?”  

Alex finishes
off the last of his drink, stands and firmly takes my hand.  With our fingers
intertwined, he pulls me to the dance floor.  Pushing our way through the
crowd, we settle in a gap in the middle of the heated masses.  Pulling me tight
against him, I can practically feel the beat within his chest; one hand on the
curve of my ass, the other settled on my hip.  Instinctually my arms wrap
around his neck, allowing me to nestle my head against his chest and breathe him
in as we begin to sway to John Mayer’s smooth melody,
Dreaming with a Broken
Heart
.

“You’re so
beautiful.”  The rumble from his chest causes me to pull back; looking up at
him through my lashes.  “This face has haunted me every night since you left.” 

Tears now
falling, I rest my head against his shoulder and clutch Alex tighter.  His
words cut me deep.  It’s one thing to know you’ve caused pain thinking it’s for
someone’s own good.  But, it’s another to have someone give you a play by play
of their heartache. 

“And the thing
about nightmares is…you wake up alone, you relive the pain every day until you
go back to sleep and do it all over again.”

“Alex, I’m
sorry,” I mumble into his sweater, masking the ache in my voice.

“I’m not.”  He
touches my chin, tilting it to look up at him.  “Because even if you left me
every night, even if you broke my heart continuously in my dreams…you were
still with me and I got the chance to see this face every day.” 

“You were with
me, too.  Always.”  I run my fingers through his hair before pulling his mouth
down to meet mine.  And he
was
with me, every day.  Whether it be in my
thoughts or in my heart, there was never a time when he hasn’t been there. 
Even when my resolve was iron clad, I still let bits and pieces of him seep
into the cracks he formed the moment he took my heart.  Loving him was never a
choice, it was a given.  The hard part was staying away from him, thinking I
was doing it for his own good.

Alex is right. 
Arianna shouldn’t have control over us.  She shouldn’t be able to make
decisions that determine the rest of our lives.  But what do you do when the
devil holds all the cards, knows your next move, and could possibly control
your next breath.  I’ve battled with the thought that she could have that much power
to decide whether people live or die.  She told me herself, she hated my father
for his choices and she hated my mother even more for giving my father
something to fight for.  The second they defied her, they were eliminated; just
two pawns in her game of chess.  Could she have had anything to do with their
death?  Who knows, but it’s a little too close for comfort, even now.

The difference
between now and then is that I know she thinks she’s the queen.  She thinks she
has the power to move across the board in all directions and bulldoze anyone in
her way.  What she forgets is that there are two queens in a game of chess and
this queen has every intention of protecting her king at all costs.  With Alex
by my side, in a small bar in Reno, Arianna’s grasp diminishes.

My mind is a
mixture of defiance and lust as our kiss deepens.  Alex lingers, brushing his
lips against mine in long, drawn out movements.  Our mouths begin to move
urgently, while he grips me tighter, pulling me against his growing erection. 
When he pulls away, I don’t hide my disappointed groan.  At least I’m not the
only one left with erratic breathing.

 “I need you to
answer another question.”

“Really?  Now? 
You want to talk now?”  I nestle against his neck, kissing the spot just below
his ear.  He groans in appreciation.

“Fuck…Elyssa, if
you keeping doing that…I’m going to end up taking you against one of these
walls.”  Alex’s fingers dig into my hip as he tries to still me.

I pull back,
noticing his struggle, taut face and all.  He’s torn between his carnal urges
and the thoughts that seem to plague his mind. 

“Fine,” I
concede, settling my hands on his broad shoulders.  “What do you want to know?”

“I know this is
just my fucked up head, but…things with you and Oliver…”  His voice trails off,
but I can feel his fingers flex against my skin.

“There’s nothing
between us.  How many times do I need to tell you before it sinks in?  Because,
I will, I’ll tell you a hundred times over.  Nothing, Alex, nothing has
happened with me and Oliver.”  Surprisingly, through my small rant, I keep my
voice soft.

“The kiss?”  He
tilts his head, nestling his face against my neck before bringing his lips to
mine.  As if he’s trying to erase the memory of Oliver.

“It was just
that,” I pant.  Alex breaks away and buries his face in the crook of my neck.

“Did you like
it?”  His words are slightly muffled against my skin, but I still hear his
question clearly.  How do I explain that even though my heart is with him, it’s
not the kiss with Oliver that makes him appealing?  It’s the state of
tranquility I feel when he’s around?  I can’t.  It would crush him.

“There’s no
comparison between the two of you, Alex.  Like I told Oliver, this is not a
competition.”  Although I’ve explained this several times, neither of these
Neanderthals seem to understand.

“He’s fucking
with what’s mine.  I’m not being competitive, I’m being territorial.  There’s a
difference.”  I chuckle and Alex’s hold loosens. 

I let him deal
with his caveman complex while we finish dancing.  His hands explore almost
every inch of my body and I’m sure if anyone was paying attention, they’d agree
that we are borderline indecent.  But that doesn’t stop Alex.  He needs this. 
With that, I make no effort to push him away.  He needs to touch me to know
that me in his arms isn’t a dream anymore. 

Several songs
and more than several kisses later we make our way back to our table.  Through
the question and answer ping pong game we’ve been playing tonight, I’ve learned
that Alex’s jealousy runs deeper than just Oliver and Cole.  Alex dislikes the
thought of any man having his hands on me.  Even in the case of sharing my
first kiss, which was when I was nine while playing house with my next door
neighbor.  I swear if I gave Alex his full name, he would run a credit check,
find out where he lives and then have a hit placed on him.  Excessive yes, but
its Alex and it’s his way of dealing with these new feelings.

After his
confession earlier, I didn’t bother asking him about his first kiss considering
he was having sex before most boys had their first wet dream.  I figured it was
a moot point and decided to save that story for a later time. 

I also learned
that his musical inclinations came from a drunk who frequented his Dad’s
favorite bar.  Goes to show that not everything in his life was bad.

In the midst of
our reminiscing, I wanted but knew I had no right to ask him about his stay in
New York.  I wasn’t sure how to pose the question, so I decided to take a more
indirect path versus grabbing the bull by the horns.  “So, have you been seeing
anyone since you left?”  I brace for the impact.

“I told you I
wasn’t dating Sandy.” 

“What about
anyone else?”  I try to remain indifferent, by hiding my nerves and fidgeting
with my ring under the table.  “Like maybe someone in New York?”

“You actually
think I had time to date?”

“You don’t have
to date to….”

“Fuck?” Alex
finishes my sentence for me; his choice of words is brash in comparison to what
I had in mind.

“Uh…well…yah.” 

Alex leans in,
resting his elbows on the table as he takes his time before answering my
question.  “If I did, would it bother you?”

“It’s not like I
have any right…” 

He interrupts
me, like usual.  “I’m asking if it would bother you.” 

“Yes.”  I give a
singular answer as I duck my head.  Of course it would bother me.  The faceless
women before me bother me, so it’s safe to say that anyone after would be even
worse. 

“Good.”  Alex
smirks as he leans back, lifting his wrist to look at the time.  “It’s getting
late, we should go.” 

Let it be known
that I’m quite aware he didn’t answer my question.  It’s killing me to sit here
in silence on the way back to the hotel, but I’ve learned that some things are
better left unsaid.  It’s a tense drive back, not only because of the silence,
but the snow lightly falling outside.  Living in Las Vegas, we rarely see snow,
so it’s a real treat.  Until you have to drive in it. 

When we arrived
at the bar the snow had barely started to come down.  Clearly Mother Nature had
other plans for the evening.  There must be two inches on the ground, and we
were not prepared for this.  Silently praying, I’m a little terrified every
time the SUV slides around the turns.  Alex can sense my nerves and reaches
over, taking my hand in his.