She's Asking for It! (14 page)

For many couples, dirty talk has changed their sex lives for the better, but many couples just don’t have those kinds of skills in their sexual repertoire. It might feel super awkward when you’re getting started if you’re not “in the moment” together, or sometimes it can just plain sound silly as hell. If you’re one of these couples, then I can recommend a few things to help you get started.

First, try not talking at all; try writing. It can be easier to take yourself to naughty land if you don’t have to hear your own voice saying things. We’ll go over sexy scribbles in a moment, but there is one warning here - other people can read your writing as well! So, be careful not to embarrass yourself or your partner by being reckless with your words.

• If you are in the habit of talking with instant messenger, start a provocative conversation on chat.
  

• Send text messages to each other’s cell phones with vivid descriptions of what you want to do to each other.
  

• If you communicate by email on personal accounts (as opposed to work-based addresses), write out your fantasies, or team up to write a continuing dirty story by sending it back and forth to each other.
  

• Mad Libs is a word game in which the answers to word prompts you’re given are revealed as part of a story. Go to a sex novelty shop and pick up a dirty Mad Libs, then play it together! They can be fun and silly, and very, very naughty.
  

• Deliver a greeting card or note along with flowers with salacious salutations, or perhaps an explicit invitation.
  

Once you have established that each of you can hold your own in a dirty conversation, it’s time to move on to talking dirty. However, even this can be accomplished without being face to face, at least when you’re starting out.

Do either one of you go on business trips? Try having long-distance phone sex. This works best when the entire conversation revolves around sex; don’t start out by reminding him to take out the trash, or letting her know that package she was waiting for arrived. You can have that conversation in its own phone call. When you’re all done your regular business, schedule a time for a call back so the two of you can have some alone time to prepare and get in the mood!

Phone sex is a great way to encourage a man into a position of control. He can direct a partner to do things like undressing, touching herself, etc. and gain the upper hand without the potential for fear and intimidation that occurs when she’s right there in front of him. And for her part, this is the time to really experiment with pushing the limits of his masculine side. Go over the top, really let him know that he is all man and he can have his way with you.

While there are times that he will be calling the shots during phone sex, there should also be times when it is important for a woman to talk about her fantasies in explicit detail. Let yourselves get excited, and let your partner know that what’s happening is exciting you.

Another fun, sexy phone game is to leave each other voice mail messages. Be mindful of your partner’s habits; if they might listen to their voicemail on speaker in the office, you should probably avoid this game or save it for the cell phone! Remember, leave the quick messages to pick up milk on the way home in a separate call.

You might just want to let your partner know exactly what’s going through your mind. Or, you can leave a detailed treasure hunt of a message, or inform your lover of something special for them to come upon when they get home:

• Ladies, these voicemails can be invitations, directions or simply your fantasies. Tell him that you’ll be in the bedroom when he gets home, naked and waiting for him to have his way with you. Describe to him a particularly exciting moment from the last time you had sex – in graphic detail – or do the same describing something you want him to do to you. This reinforces the stuff you like while turning him on! Or, you can start a game, perhaps asking him to give you a specific instruction that you’ll have to follow the next time you’re having sex.
  

• Guys, this is your chance to start the game of assertiveness without having the worry of performance anxiety. You can get her so hot that by the time you are both in the bedroom, you can let lust take the lead. Leave her a detailed message explaining exactly what you’re going to do to her body when you both get home that night. If you can, plan an entire date and drop hints and suggestions for an exotic evening; have her go home, put on a specific outfit you love, and be ready to go out at a certain time. Perhaps remind her of a certain moment from your last adventure, and tell her you’re going to do that and more the next time. Bring home fruit and chocolate for some sensory play and pick up a nice meal to eat afterward when you both want to relax together by candlelight with a glass of wine.
  

And, hey - if your lover answers the phone instead of ringing through to voicemail, don’t chicken out! Simply say, “Hi, I wanted to tell you that ...” Deliver your message without stopping, then hang up. Who wouldn’t love a phone call like that?

Now, let’s talk about talking dirty face to face.

If you’re not used to being chatty between the sheets but you’ve started talking dirty outside the bedroom, bringing up those heated discussions while getting your groove on can make for a good transition.

If you’ve had phone sex, for example, you can start out by having each other reenact some of the things you did to yourselves, or talked about doing to each other. It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, but someone has to start it. Try taking turns each day!

For example, a good way to direct her actions is to tell her that it turned him on so much when she was describing how she was touching herself during a particular call. Have her reenact it while you watch, then you can join in.

Or, she can say how it made her feel when he was talking about doing this or that to her, and that she’s fantasized about finally being able to feel it. He can respond with his own questions and comments: “Which part did you love, Baby? Was it when I said I was going to do this?” (Do it.) “Or was it when I talked about doing this (do it) until I made you come? I loved this part myself, it got me really close to the edge.”

As I’ve said before, dirty talk can also be a good start when he is a bit shy about actual physical assertion himself with her. Even if your only “alpha moves” so far are a harder thrust and a faster rhythm, you can still talk about all the advanced moves you’re aiming for, right?

Of course, the real taboo stuff can be employed as an assertive technique all on its own. This will require a bit of trial and error, and maybe a conversation or two out of bed, before finding just the right words to push her over the edge into oblivion.

For example, if she likes to be made to feel like a sexual object, he can accommodate that desire by talking about her body in the most objectified terms as possible. The key to this is to be raunchy and dirty, while praising her – NOT to put her down, offend or insult her!

She might want you to call her a
whore
, a
slut
, a
bitch
, even a
cunt
, but even with these taboo words, how they are perceived is all relative to context. You can say these things with disdain in your voice as if it is an insult (which is not likely to produce the reaction you are hoping for) or with deep love, lust and longing as if you are proud to be with someone who has those qualities. Never assume any words will be OK in the heat of the moment …

Go ahead and ask her what she’s comfortable hearing from you. It may be that possessive pronouns are what gets to her, being told she’s “yours” or “your slut” or even “your beautiful, luscious, ripe slut in heat!” You get the idea. Your options are wide open!

But I’ve Never Said That Before!

If you’ve never let loose and said those “taboo” words that tend to get people all hot and bothered, it’s time to get used to them. If you can’t bring yourself to say something specific (or anything at all!) in front of your partner, take the time to practice alone. Sit and look in a mirror if you can, or try talking to yourself in the shower. Just say the words that make you uncomfortable out loud. Don’t try to be sexy, unless that helps, of course. Just get familiar with the sound of the word, deal with the blushing and let it work its way around your mouth a bit. Say it over and over again until the word loses all meaning, as it does sometimes when we confuse our brains like that. Deprogram the shame surrounding the word and allow yourself permission to use it in front of your partner.

In the meantime, just try being louder during sex, allowing yourself to moan or scream or sigh or giggle or grunt or pant or any of the other crazy sounds humans can make in the act of love. Get comfortable with the sound of your own voice, say your partner’s name, urge them on with simple “yes” and “more” or whisper in their ear when you’re about to come.

When you are finally comfortable enough with the “naughty” words, bring then up in notes, emails or on the phone first – sometimes it’s just easier to say something when we don’t have to look a person in the eyes. But if it seems to garner a positive reaction, keep up the practice until you can say new things in the heat of the moment between bated breaths one day when things are really going great. Notice how that kind of freedom changes your ability to communicate in and outside of the bedroom too!

Of all the tricks, tips and techniques we talk about in this book, talking dirty is probably the most useful for couples who are experimenting with power, or anything else for that matter. It’s a mode of communication that is unlike any other! A tremendous amount of information can be given with a bare minimum of words, and in a language unique to the two of you. So, don’t be afraid to talk dirty!

Chapter 15 - Lip Service

Now that we have covered talking dirty to help along the alpha male, we can incorporate what we’ve learned into the next step of this sexual experiment. Foreplay for alphas starts with kisses and caresses just like everyone else. It’s all about the attitude!

The most important thing to remember about kisses when you’re trying to embody a more dominant demeanor is to always mean it. That means leaving hesitation behind and going for it! Kiss her hard and deep, or slow and soft, as long as you are in control. Cradle her head in your hands and kiss her face gently. Grab onto her hair at the nape of her neck and pull her toward you (no yanking!) with her face turned up to yours. Don’t hurt her or leave bruises, but hold onto her tight and give her the chance to feel your strength, your determination and your lust.

Going Down (on her):

A lot of people think about cunnilingus as a “submissive” act for a man to perform, but like anything else, there are many different ways to go about it! Aggressively eating her out involves lots of fun little tricks: he can grab a hold of your ass with a nice firm grip and squeeze; that same firm grip can guide her hip movements and rhythm; he can reach for your breasts, with some rough handling or nipple pinching if you like; he can grab or nibble at your thighs.