So Much to Learn (26 page)

I didn't want
to listen to any platitudes on how I shouldn't feel guilty, because
the fact was that I did and being told I shouldn't be wasn't
helpful.

Jack made no
move to stop me as I jumped off the couch and marched towards my
room, but I could feel his gaze following me and by the time I had
slammed my door and thrown myself on my bed I was already feeling
bad about how I had behaved.

Isn't it always
the way that when you're out on the couch you feel really drowsy
and can fall asleep at the drop of the hat, but as soon as you
actually drag yourself into your bedroom, you feel wide awake?

True, this
time, as I slid beneath my covers, it wasn't only the relocation
which made me feel more alert. My conscience was giving me nudges
and trying to point out that Jack had driven four hours to keep me
company in the flat because he had seen how bad I was feeling and I
had just dismissed him. I don't mean to be such a bitch, but so
often it seems to turn out that way. Maybe because in comparison to
Jack my selfish, childish behaviour appears tenfold. Damn him!

I heard Jack
moving around for a while and then the door to his room close and I
pictured him stripping down to the pair of tracky dacks he wears to
bed. Oh yes, that was very conducive to sleep, not! I blew out a
sigh and turned over, trying to summon up the sleepy feeling I'd
had not so long ago. It simply would not come.

The minutes
ticked by and still I felt completely unable to sleep. The sheets
were cold and they just wouldn't warm up no matter how long I lay
there. The sliver of moon coming through a gap in the curtains
seemed too bright, but the effort it would take to close the gap
was too great as well. I seemed to be checking my clock every other
minute or so and despairing when I saw that more time hadn't
passed.

This whole
thing was very strange for me as I’m usually a very good sleeper, I
never really suffer from insomnia, but this seemed like a bona fide
case of it.

Eventually I
pinpointed my lack of comfort on how alone I felt in my room, I
felt isolated and bored. Before I knew what I was doing I was
hopping out of bed and entering the large front room. Marching
across it I got to Jack's door and knocked lightly upon the wood.
Turning the knob I pushed the door open and stuck my head through
the gap.

"Jack?" I
whispered and saw his form stir on the bed in response.

"Tally?" He
asked groggily. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I
said hastily. "Nothing's wrong." Feeling my nerve draining away I
turned away. "Never mind, sorry for waking you." I closed his door
and started walking back towards my bedroom, but then abruptly
whirled around and threw open his door again.

Jack had turned
the lamp on and propped himself up on his elbows and looked at me
questioningly through eyes blinking from the assault of the light
and being woken up so suddenly.

"Could we…" I
swallowed nervously. "Would it be alright if we…without doing
anything you know, just…I don't know, I couldn't sleep and I just
thought…but you probably wouldn't want to…but if you wouldn't mind
I thought it might help if…"

Jack rubbed a
hand across his face and smiled sleepily at me. "I don't mean to
rush you, but is there any chance of this sentence finishing any
time soon?"

"Can I sleep
with you?" I asked all in a rush and then felt that damned blush
shooting up my neck and flooding my face. Thankfully Jack seemed to
get what I was on about because he pulled back the covers for me
and said,

"With an emphasis on
sleep
, right? Yeah, come on
then."

I didn't need
telling twice, swiftly padding across the room I slipped in beside
him and turned the lamp off.

I wondered for
a moment whether Jack was going to pick up where he'd left off
earlier and continue to try and convince me not to feel guilty, but
I needn't have worried as the next second he rolled over with a,
"Goodnight."

Actually
feeling a little cheated at the lack of, for want of a better
expression, pillow talk, I mumbled a quick, "Good night," too and
then lay on my back staring up at the ceiling.

So, apparently,
I couldn't sleep here either. What was my problem?

I was holding
myself very still to make sure I didn't accidentally bump Jack who,
by the sound of his calm breathing, was not feeling at all
uncomfortable.

Letting out a
long sigh I looked over at Jack's digital clock and saw that it
read 2:12 a.m. I watched the red lines change every minute, hoping
I would get so bored I would go to sleep just for something to do.
However, as plans go, it wasn't a brilliant one and, soon after the
red numbers turned to 2:23 am, I felt my muscles actually beginning
to ache at being held tense for so long.

"Hey, Tally, do
you think you could relax a bit?" Jack's voice floated over in the
darkness, as if he had read my mind. "It's like lying next to a
rock."

"Sorry," I
murmured. I shook my legs out in an attempt to release the tension
there and ended up banging against Jack's shin in the process.

"And now you've
kicked me," he laughed. "You're not really endearing yourself as a
bedfellow, you know."

Before I could stop myself I heard my voice snapping, "Well
gee, where have I heard
that
before?"

There was a
long, tense silence and then Jack said quietly, "That wasn't what I
meant."

"I know," I
sighed deeply. "There's something wrong with me tonight I'm
so…twitchy!"

Jack turned
over so I could vaguely see his pale face in the little bit of
moonlight filtering through the curtains. He looked at me for a
while and then said, "I know you don't want to talk about what
happened today, but if you want to hear it, I do have some advice
that might make you feel a little bit less twitchy."

I opened my mouth to tell him that he could keep it to
himself, but then I thought better of it. This was a man who has
made feeling guilty about something he couldn't control into an art
form, maybe he
did
have something that could relax me enough so I could
sleep.

"Go on then," I
said, somewhat churlishly.

"So I was only
introduced to this concept recently myself," he began seriously,
"but as far as I can tell, it goes along the lines of: don't be too
hard on yourself because, as hard as it is to control other people,
sometimes it’s even harder to control yourself."

Realising
immediately that I was hearing my own words being bounced back at
me I strained in the darkness to see his expression as I
desperately needed to know whether or not he was taking the
piss.

"Throwing my
own words back in my face?" I asked when I was frustrated in my
efforts to see his facial expression.

"No," his voice
was soft and calm in the darkness. "Just advising you to practice
what you preach. What you told me was good and, if you'd believe it
yourself, it might help. That it didn't occur to you to check on
your best friend every two seconds to see how she was is not your
fault. You haven't maliciously ignored Simone and you couldn't
possibly have pre-empted the stuff that has happened with
Alex."

"I feel
patronised," I grumbled after a moment spent considering the advice
which had originally been mine.

He let out a
deep chuckle that I could feel rumble through the mattress. "Of
course you do," he exclaimed. "Good advice always comes out as
patronising, that's how you know it's good."

I lay still for
a little while processing my thoughts then, suddenly, such a
massive epiphany hit me that, I actually jerked with the force of
it. Turning to face Jack I leant over and gave him a quick kiss on
the cheek.

"What was that
for?" He asked, the smile evident in his voice.

"For driving
four hours to see that I was OK. For giving me advice that I need
even though you knew I would probably get all defensive. For
putting up with my moods and my immaturity. For calming me down
when I was hysterical. For helping me out and being the best
teacher a girl could have. Take your pick. I know it sometimes
seems that I'm an ungrateful bitch, but I really do appreciate
everything you do for me. Thanks, Jack."

And finally -
finally! - I knew I would be able to get to sleep.

~*~

As I opened my
eyes the next morning it took me a second to figure out whether I
was still dreaming or not, as the scene was all too reminiscent of
some of the night time imaginings I'd been experiencing in recent
weeks. The room was not my sun-shiny yellow, but that gorgeous
deep, deep blue of Jack's room which was offset by the white
ceiling and light wood floors. Also, and more importantly, I could
feel the warm presence of Jack in the bed beside me. We were not
quite touching, but were so close that the heat from his body was
pulsing against my back.

A contented
smile crept across my lips and I gave a little wriggle of pleasure.
I could feel the little black dot which was Simone's unhappiness
throbbing at the back of my brain, but for the moment, the joy of
being close to Jack was keeping it well at bay.

I lay there,
basking in the general loveliness of the whole thing, for several
minutes and almost dozed off again, lulled by the feeling of warm
security I was experiencing. It was like when I had woken up in my
bed at home and yet so much better!

Thinking of
home, however, jerked me right out of my daze as certain realities
started crashing through my thin shield of contentment. My thought
process went something along the lines of: home, family, Matt,
crap!

My brother was
supposed to be coming home today, what if he had taken off early
from Bridunna? It was past 10 in the morning now, what if he walked
in on this scene? Jack and I hadn't technically done anything, but
it certainly wasn't going to look that way to Matt!

And so, even
though every particle of my body seemed to be screaming against it,
I forced myself to sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the
bed. Just as I was about to stand up, however, Jack's arm snaked
around my waist and pulled me back into the bed. I fell with a
little surprised shriek and found myself pressed against Jack's
warm, bare chest. Tipping my head back I found my face centimetres
from his and his eyes looking into mine, although still half closed
with sleep, made my stomach give a little flip.

"You know
normal people just say good morning," I smirked, after all he
wasn't the only one who could throw words back in people's
faces.

"Good morning,"
he replied with a sweet smile and I couldn't help grinning in
reply.

"And just where
did you think you were going?" He asked, after we had smiled
inanely at each other for a couple of seconds, and I immediately
wished he hadn't said anything. Because now I had to point out that
Matt was coming home and I wouldn't be able to do what I really
wanted which was to stay in the exact position I was in for the
rest of my life. Presumably seeing my face fall his arm around me
loosened and he looked at me questioningly.

"I have to go
to my own room," I explained. "I can't be here if Matt comes
home."

Instead of
immediately releasing me as I thought he would have done at the
first mention of Matt's name, Jack went very still then said
cautiously, "That was Matt I was talking to last night before you
threw a cushion at my head."

"Was it?" I
said, not really getting the significance.

"Yeah," he
confirmed.

There was
silence for a moment and, just before I was about to ask exactly
why he felt it was important to mention the phone conversation,
something from last night floated to the front of my mind. Hadn't
Jack said to the person on the other end 'I'll see you Monday night
then'?

It’s
interesting to note here that the human body reacts much faster
than the human mind. Before I had cognitively realised the
implications of Matt not coming home until the next evening, my
body felt as if an electric shock had just passed through it. All
my internal organs stopped what they were doing for a moment and
gave a massive leap, and every inch of my skin started prickling in
a really weird way.

Finally my mind
put two and two together and came up with: Jack and I alone in the
flat together all night, and, before I could stop myself, I let out
a gasped "Oh!" of understanding.

"Hey." Jack
placed light fingers under my chin and looked at me steadily. "It
doesn't have to mean anything, OK?"

Beyond my
embarrassing, girly, 'Oh' I didn't really think I was ready to
speak just yet and Jack must have taken my silence as confusion as
he felt he had to clarify his statement.

"I knew before
all this Alex stuff came up that Matt was going to stay longer in
Bridunna and that was what I was talking about Friday night in the
shed, but one word from you and it means nothing." He sounded so
desperate to make me realise I was under no obligation that I
couldn't help smiling a little bit. "What?" He asked, seeing my
expression.

"Nothing," I
murmured. "It's just that, if it wasn't for the fact that I haven't
brushed my teeth yet, I'd kiss you."

"You would?"
Jack tipped his head to one side as if he was thinking then gave a
little shrug. "I think you should anyway, I reckon I could take
it."

"Cos you're a
big tough man?" I said cheekily and he nodded.

"Damn
straight."

The next few
minutes were somewhat limited in conversation as our mouths were
much too busy doing more interesting things than constructing
sentences. It didn't, however, get too heavy as, almost as if we
had pre-arranged a cut off point, we both pulled away after a while
and grinned at each other.