Something Like Winter (18 page)

“
For what?”

“
You know what,” she
replied. “I was really, really, drunk.”

But not so drunk that she
didn’t know what she was doing. Tim had seen her out-drink Bryce
before, her mind remaining razor sharp, but he played along. “Yeah,
I figured. I had a few too many myself.”

“
Does Bryce
know?”

“
No,” Tim said. “I just
sent him upstairs. I didn’t think you would mind.”

“
Of course not.”

There was an awkward moment
of silence. Tim was wondering if he should blackmail her into
keeping quiet, or if deep down she was decent enough that he
wouldn’t have to ask. He decided to give her the benefit of the
doubt.

“
Well, I’m going to pop
some aspirin and sleep this off,” he said.

“
Good idea.”

Another pause.

“
Hey, Tim?”

“
Yeah?”

“
Would you have? I mean, if
Bryce wasn’t in the picture.”

No, because of Ben, and
because Tim doubted he would survive the experience. She still
scared the hell out of him, but at least he had convinced her the
gay rumor wasn’t true. “Yeah,” he lied. “Of course I would.” His
ego grumbled in hunger. “Would you? If you were single and sober, I
mean.”

“
Don’t flatter
yourself.”

Tim chuckled and Stacy
laughed before they said goodbye and hung up the phone. Close one!
Tim had played it sloppy and loose, but gotten lucky. Stacy thought
he wanted her, which should take the heat off Ben. But Tim would
have to be smart. The first crack in his mask had shown, and if he
wasn’t careful, it could crumble into pieces.

* * * * *

Tim was running, and for
once it didn’t feel good. Fucking hormones! They caused temporary
brain damage, he was sure of it. That, and the evening had been one
giant adrenaline rush. Summer was fast approaching. Baseball was in
regional playoffs, and today’s game had been one of his best. When
he had met Ben in the park afterwards… well, he had been horny as
hell. Not that he planned on doing him right then and there, but
they were both victims of their stupid urges.

Ben had been blowing him
when the police flashlights shined in Tim’s eyes. Now they were
screwed, but in another way entirely. In that split second Tim
could see his world falling apart. The police at his house, the
looks on his parents’ faces, time in juvenile hall followed by the
military academy. Hell, he’d sign up to be shipped away considering
what would happen when word got around school.

Those nightmares only came
true if they were caught. Tim could run. He did almost every day,
so he doubted the cop huffing behind him would ever catch up, but
he still worried he had been recognized. As for Ben, Tim had
abandoned him, saying they should split up. He sure as hell hoped
his boyfriend could run too, because Ben was on his own
now.

Tim made it to his
neighborhood with no sign of pursuit. Still he ran, slowing to a
jog to appear casual until he reached his house. The driveway was
full of cars, none of them familiar. He swore. His parents had that
stupid dinner party tonight, plying their favorite business
contacts with food and drink. Tim wiped the sweat from his brow and
tried to slow his breathing—not an easy task since his insides were
sizzling with panic.

Calming down as much as he
could, Tim went inside. Thankfully, the festivities were still
confined to the dining room. The front room was decorated but
empty, ready for the mingling that would follow the meal, allowing
him to go upstairs to his room undetected. Once there he paced
restlessly. Maybe he had gotten away, but Ben could be sitting in
the back of a police car right now, the cops grilling him. Ben
wouldn’t rat Tim out—ever—but who knew what the Bentleys might say
when the police arrived at their door.

-clink!-

Tim spun around, facing the
window.

-clink! clink!-

Shutting off the light, he
returned to the window. Ben was down there in the backyard, face
upturned to him. He hadn’t been caught, but his presence here
didn’t ease Tim’s anxiety. He snuck out the front door and hurried
around to the back. If anyone at the party glanced out a window
they would see Ben waiting there, so Tim grabbed his arm and took
him around to the shadows at the side of the house.

“
Did they catch
you?”

“
No. Well, yeah.” Ben
stuttered. “I don’t know. They’re at my parents’ house.”

“
Shit!” Tim stepped away
from the wall, checking his driveway for red and blue flashing
lights.

“
Don’t worry, they
only—”

“
Don’t worry? The fucking
cops caught us screwing!”

Ben sighed, like Tim was
being unreasonable. “They don’t know about you! They only know
about me because I ran into Daniel Wigmore.”

“
Who?”

“
A guy who goes to our
school.”

Tim’s stomach sank. He had
barely dodged a bullet with Stacy and AstroWorld. She hadn’t
mentioned Ben since, but now some guy had seen them going at it.
“Someone was watching us?”

“
No!”

“
How do you
know?”

“
He was too far away.” Ben
shook his head, irritated. “I don’t know!”

“
No, you don’t know.” Tim
wanted to shout, but he didn’t dare risk being overheard, so
instead his voice came as a barely controlled growl. “You don’t
know what your parents are saying to the police right now. Who do
they think you’re out with tonight?”

Ben crossed his arms over
his chest, meeting Tim’s scowl with one of his own. “Look, I’ll
tell them I was blowing Daniel. Problem solved.”

“
They saw
me,
” Tim stressed, his throat raw. “We’re
fucked!”

“
No, we aren’t.” Ben
reached out, like they were about to get sentimental at a time like
this, but Tim stepped back.

“
Yes, we are. Everything’s
fucked up.” And it would keep being that way. Eventually Tim’s
parents would catch Ben sneaking in, or enough people at school
would come forward with stories and sightings. He could only fight
off the rumors for so long. And like Kansas, all the admiration
paid to him now would turn to hate. He liked Ben, maybe more than
that, but their relationship would explode into the open
eventually. Worst of all, his mom would never stop crying if she
found out. His parents would turn their backs on him completely.
And for what? It’s not like they could get married or have a life
together. Ben made everything sound possible, when really, the
opposite was true.

What they had together
wasn’t love. It was an addiction. Even looking at Ben now, Tim’s
body was screaming to be near him, to hold him, even if it would
destroy them both. “Jesus, what did I let you do to me?”

“
Do to you?” Ben was
incredulous, moving dangerously close to him. “I didn’t ‘do’
anything. This isn’t a choice. It’s who we are!”

But Tim did have a choice.
He had been with girls before and could be again. But not while Ben
was around. “Get away from me.” Tim shoved him and tried to walk
away, but Ben caught his arm and swung him back around.

“
This isn’t something you
can control!” Ben’s grip was tight, his words desperate. “You can’t
just push me away and expect to stop feeling—”

No! Tim didn’t want to hear
it! “I can’t do this anymore!” He pulled his arm away, but Ben
wouldn’t leave him alone, coming nearer. He knew. If Ben touched
him enough, he knew Tim was too weak to resist. He pushed Ben away
again, half-blind from the tears in his eyes. “It’s over! Go
home.”

Ben shook his head,
refusing to accept what Tim had said. When he tried to come close
again, Tim shoved him hard enough that Ben hit the ground, eyes
wide as he tumbled backwards. Ben clutched at the grass, staring up
at him in complete disbelief, probably because he would never in a
million years do the same to him. Tim hated himself more than ever.
The hurt and shock on Ben’s face was killing him, so he turned away
and went back inside.

Of course the stupid party
had adjourned to the living room, every head turning his direction
when he entered.

“
This is our son, Timothy,”
his mother announced.

He stopped on his way up
the stairs and stared at them—all those happy couples, dressed in
their nicest outfits and beaming at him over their drinks.
Boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl. They existed in pairs, and no one
would ever question their right to do so. Tim despised them for
being normal, for being happy.

“
Everything okay?” his
father asked, an edge of warning in his tone.

“
It was a rough
game.”

“
He plays baseball,” his
mother explained.

There was chorus of
murmured understanding. Of course! What else would a guy be upset
about?

Tim turned and tromped up
the stairs to his room, locking the door. He left the light off so
he could see out the window. There, just off to the side, stood a
shadowy form with its head bowed, shoulders shaking. Ben kept
standing there, waiting for Tim to come back, waiting for him to
undo the horrible things that he had done. But he wouldn’t. Tim
watched him, one step back from the window so he couldn’t be seen,
and joined Ben in his tears. Eventually, the lonely silhouette
shook its weary head and disappeared into the night.

Chapter Eleven

There were no happy gay
couples on TV. No gay president with his handsome and charming
“first gentlemen” at his side. Ellen DeGeneres had come out earlier
in the year, and the media had exploded, making Tim squirm as much
as Ben had grinned. Ben saw it as progress, while Tim felt it was
evidence that the world wouldn’t accept them, that being gay was A
Very Big Deal. He supposed he could name some musicians who had
come out once their bank accounts were fat enough to make them
untouchable, but Tim didn't know if any of them had healthy
long-term relationships.

Ben probably knew. If Tim
called him right now, he would probably rattle off a list of
inspiring role models. Then again, he never had before, and Ben had
never held back in his attempt to convince Tim that being gay was
okay. The irony was that Ben
had
finally convinced Tim of one thing, but the price
of that truth was saying goodbye.

Tim was gay. He had to be,
because his insides ached without end. He had never felt this way
about anyone. Krista was more a necessity, Carla a strange sort of
infatuation, but neither they nor the girls that came before them
had carved their names into his heart like Ben had. Or become so
intertwined with his soul that he questioned who he was without
them. He loved Ben, but that didn’t change a thing.

He couldn’t relive Kansas
again, couldn’t bear the brunt of all that hate. And his parents—he
barely had them as it was. They would finally have an excuse to get
rid of him, to toss him in a military academy or boarding school
and leave him there to rot. Then they would be free to live their
lives as they had intended while Tim was left with
nothing.

He couldn’t stand the idea.
Maybe he could handle losing his father, but not his mother or his
grandmother with her big open arms. She was just as Catholic and
would cry even harder over Tim dooming himself to Hell.

Coward.

That was the word that
stood out most the next time Tim heard Ben sing. He knew Ben would
be at the high school talent show, performing a song with Allison.
They had been practicing for months. Tim didn’t want to go, but his
friends had egged him on, not wanting to miss making fun of all the
losers. But even they had taken a break from flinging insults when
Ben and Allison broke into song.

Ben had found Tim,
searching the audience until their eyes met. Then Ben sang like
never before. His voice had always brought Tim to new emotional
heights, but now it smacked him down, cutting him just as much as
it had once healed him.

The verses of the song
couldn’t have been more appropriate, crafted just for him,
and
coward
was the
word that stung the most. Because it was true.
Frozen
stood out too, but more as
sage advice. Over the coming weeks, Tim tried to kill his emotions,
to clamp down on his love for Ben. Eventually he began to get the
hang of it. He tore up the letter Ben left in his locker that said
there wouldn’t be any trouble from the police. And when Tim went to
his studio, shredding the painting of Ben’s face with a box knife,
he didn’t feel a thing. Almost.

There were parties and
there were friends, and when Tim’s parents bothered to turn their
attention to him, it wasn’t with sorrow or hate. That’s more than
Tim could say for himself when he looked in the mirror. But he
pressed on, because that’s all anyone could do. Just keep moving
on.

When the doorbell rang one
evening, Tim remained in bed. For a while he had been on edge,
expecting Ben to do something crazy, but he no longer had that
fear. Not after the song Ben had sung. A pang of doubt came when
his mother called him from downstairs, but her voice sounded much
too happy for the visitor to be Ben. He soon saw why.