Spiralling Out of the Shadow (The Spiralling Trilogy) (22 page)

Janet and Anna both rang several times with wardrobe discussions. The quietness of holidays seemed to be overtaken by a frenzy of dressing right. Seriously! We were heading to the movies
—not prom night.

My palms tingled with sweat as I grabbed my purse and left the house. I still hadn
’t told Janet that Anna would be joining us. I hoped she wouldn’t have a spit at the cinema. Too late to do anything about it now.

The drone of the bus lulled me into dreamland. Knowing Danny had rejected Anna only a few days ago gave me an
incy sized hope. Not that I was about to chase him or anything.

Just before I got to McDonalds, I sent Steph a quick text asking her to join us. More than a month h
ad passed since I’d seen her.

As Jane
t and I ate, a reply came back. ‘No. Busy.’

How odd. She would always sign her name, greet me somehow or add something friendly, but not this time.

‘Let’s go meet the others.’ I stood and led the way.

‘
Please don’t tell me
she
is with us.’ Janet pointed to Anna at the candy bar.

‘
Okay, I won’t. But please don’t make a scene. She’s actually nice. Give her a chance. Get to know her.’

Janet tossed her hair over her shoulder and faced the screens playing
trailers as the others joined us.

After agreeing to see a comedy with Adam Sandler, we wandered into the cinema. Janet walked into a row, then me, then Anna, then Shelly, followed by Priscilla. The others filed into the row
behind leaving a seat empty beside Priscilla.

‘
Priscilla,’ Anna stood up, ‘can you move over one? Shelly, could you just move next to Priscilla?’ She curled her hair between her fingers and plastered a sweet smile on her face before moving into the seat beside Shelly, leaving the seat beside her vacant.

Danny was
walking up the other aisle. 

‘
Danny,’ she called. ‘Danny, over here. There’s a spare seat.’

I bit my lip to cover a snicker, and stared at the spare seat. Danny shuffled past Janet and bumped my knees before landing in the seat between Anna and I. Anna engaged him in conversation and Shelly gave me a knowing look. I sighed. An ache pierced my chest.

‘Where have I seen him before?’ Janet slurped on her drink.

‘You
r party. That infamous one when your parents were away. He’s from church. You may have seen him playing bass when you came to youth group.’

‘
Oh.’ She leant around me to take another peek. ‘Are they together?’

‘
I didn’t think so.’ My jaw dropped as I glanced their way. Anna’s hand rested on Danny’s knee. ‘But it’s looking that way right now.’

Come on brain,
the right guy will come at the right time. Stop willing it to happen now. Danny offered me some popcorn. I reached in at the same time he did. Tingles raced up my arm. I blinked away the spark as Anna whispered to Danny and he whispered back to her. Another pain shot through my heart.

‘
It’s pretty obvious something’s going on. So is
that
why she befriended you all of a sudden?’

I shook off Janet
’s comment about why Anna had befriended me. I was sure Anna and I had a connection that went deeper than Danny. I just happened to be the one to invite her to church where she met him. But I guessed only time would tell.

*~*~*~*

School offered blinkers for term four. Study had to get most of our focus, that was, if we wanted to survive.

I still hadn
’t spoken to Steph. She replied a couple of times with text messages that lacked friendliness. My intention was to visit her before the end of the school year. But for the next few weeks, I had to keep my head in the books.

When Suzie didn’
t show up in our first period maths class, I had a squirming, nauseous pull in my stomach. I waited at her locker at lunch and she didn’t turn up there either. Something inside told me she wasn’t safe. 

I rang her parents
, bracing myself for their abrupt nature. ‘Hi, Mrs Peters. Could I speak with Suzie, please?’

‘
No,’ she said with a sniffle.

Mr Peter
’s came on the line. ‘No, you can’t speak to her. She’s ... she’s dead.’

All the air inside of me shrunk, my stomach pulled, my head sq
ueezed. Had I heard him wrong? ‘I’m sorry, Mr Peters.’ I needed to know. ‘How ... what—’

‘
Not as sorry as I am.’ Clunk. He’d hung up.

The next few days were surreal
. I didn’t know how she’d died and I was scared my fears had come to life. If I’d just spoken up earlier. If I’d told her parents she was sneaking around at night. I could never understand why they were so strict on her. They smothered her, trying to keep her out of trouble.

‘
Mum, I need to know how she died, but I don’t think Mr and Mrs Peters will talk to me, and the teachers are saying that no details have been released to them. Can you find out for me?’

‘
Yes, love. I don’t understand why they haven’t told anyone either.’

Mum rang
the Peters straight after I asked her to. I sat in the lounge room hugging my knees listening to Mum’s uh-huh’s and oh no’s. The clock ticked through the minutes before she hung up.

‘
It was an overdose. She found her mother’s sleeping tablets and antidepressants and took the lot. They went to wake her in the morning, and when she didn’t wake up they rang the ambulance. They did what they could … but it was too late.’

I found my
self thanking God that she didn’t die while she was sneaking around. But I realised it didn’t matter now. She was gone, and I didn’t even know if she would end up in heaven.

‘
Would you like me to take you to the funeral? It’s on Friday.’

‘
I don’t know if I can go, Mum.’ I sobbed. ‘It’s just too hard.’

‘
I know it’s hard. Think about it. It’ll be a chance to celebrate her life.’ Mum held me in a tight embrace.

‘
But her life was too short.’ My words choked up my throat until it shut off any more words.

I was sure Steph would make the effort to attend Suzie
’s funeral, but she hadn’t replied to my messages about the details. So I rang her and the phone line clicked straight through to her voicemail.

‘
Hi Steph, I’m sure you got my messages. Can you make it to the funeral? It’s on Friday. Call me soon. I really miss you.’

The reply came via text. ‘
No. Working. Miss you too. Don’t come round.’

I wondered why she added the last sentence. A chill ran down my spine. I
’d told her I was focused on study, so she knew I was flat out and wouldn’t be dropping by unannounced. Something in that last sentence made me want to pop in.

Mum drove Janet and me to the funeral. Because Suzie had been so withdrawn for the last year, not many other students came. The teachers were accommodating, allowing us to take our scheduled quiz on Monday. They also gave me an extension for my geography assignment. 

The seats were set up in a circle around the pulpit. It was agony watching everyone cry. I couldn’t look any longer and stared at my feet until footsteps grabbed my attention. Joey. He stood at the back with blotchy cheeks.

It was horrible. Nobody could see any reason for her to end her life. Everyone spoke from a position of condemnation. I raced out when I saw Joey leaving before the funeral finished.

‘Joey!’

‘
I should have known something was up when she dumped me.’

‘When did that happen?’

‘Sunday.’

The day before she died.
  ‘Joey, I’m so sorry.’

‘
I can’t believe she’s gone.’

I shook my head, trying to blink away the tears.

‘Tabbie, you were her best friend. She loved you so much. You were always there for her. Thank you for organising that movie night. The months I’ve had with Suzie have been the ...’ his voice ran out of air, he pulled his fist to his mouth.

I wrapped my arms around him. We stood embraced, both shaking with tears, until the congregation began to leave the church. Old men rolled the coffin past us and loaded it into the hearse.

‘She told me she wanted to be cremated. It should have clicked when she was talking about funerals. But they’re taking her to the graveyard to bury her.’ Joey swiped the tears off his face. He let go of me and started backing away, with fists clenched. ‘They did this to her. Her pathetic, strict, smothering parents. It’s their fault. She was even sneaking out at night to get away from them.’

‘
She told me. I was worried about her doing that.’

‘
Me too. She’d ring me from the servo. I’d rush down every time. I hated her being out that late by herself. At least we got to spend ...’

Voices rose as the crowd formed. Joey kicked a rock and
took off when Mr and Mrs Peter’s came into view.

‘
Joey!’ I called after him. ‘Call Danny.’
You need a friend right now.

‘
How’s Joey coping?’ Janet came to my side.

‘
Not well. He has to go through this alone. I hope he calls Danny or someone. It’s like his relationship was invisible. Hardly anyone knew he even had a girlfriend. No one knows what he’s going through right now.’

‘
Did you hear all that crap they said about not knowing where the suicide came from, that she was a happy well-adjusted child with every opportunity available at her feet?’ Janet looked back to the crowd. ‘Are we the only ones who knew how they treated her?’

‘
I know, but it’s pointless attacking them now. It’s not going to bring her back. Let’s get out of here.’ At least now it made sense about her meeting Joey at the servo. I wished she hadn’t lied to me.

I
watched Mum speak with Suzie’s parents before she walked over to Janet and me.

‘
Can we go?’ I asked as I headed towards the car.

‘
It’s been a hard day. Would you like to go straight home or back to school?’

‘
Home, please.’ I looked towards Janet and she nodded.

Mum tried to bring some light chatter to the drive home, but Janet and I sat in silence. We spent the afternoon painting our nails and remembering some good times.

‘It’s just so final.’ Janet broke the heavy silence while our nails dried.

‘
It doesn’t have to be.’ I wanted to talk to Janet about eternity. I hoped the lump in my throat would allow me to continue.

‘
What do you mean? She’s gone.’

‘
Years ago,’ I swallowed. ‘God sent his only son, Jesus, so that we could have eternal life.’

‘
Don’t go bashing me with that religious stuff now.’

I bit
my lip. She was angry. It wasn’t the right time to bring up eternity.

The weeks that followed Suzie
’s funeral had me in a turmoil of study, though I wanted to do anything but. I wanted to bash down her parents’ door and scream at them. I wanted to tell them how unhappy she was. Most of all, I wanted to blame them for her death.

I wanted to scream at Suzie. No one forced her to take the tablets. She checked out too early from this life. She could have run away from home.
Moved out. Even if she’d come and lived with us for a while, it would have been better than losing her forever.

It was so strange to have a friend one day, then have her gone the next. I didn
’t get the whole grief thing. The rollercoaster of emotions followed me into exams. I expected Suzie to walk through the classroom door but she wasn’t going to. I knew she was dead, but I just couldn’t get past the fact she wouldn’t be in my life anymore. How could you just drop someone out of your life like that? How did she go through with it? How could she leave us all like that?

Surely her parents wouldn
’t have been able to smother her forever. All she had to do was wait a couple more years and she would have been free. Her parents should have been charged for what they did. I could go to the police. But it wouldn’t bring her back. She was dead. It was useless.

My days and nights rolled together, lacking lustre
, tormented with sadness. I began to pray more, hoping to clear my mind. I prayed that Joey and Suzie’s parents would be comforted. I prayed for God to comfort me. I needed to forgive Suzie’s parents.

My grief left me missing Stephanie as well. I tried her home phone and it was disconnected. Her mobile went str
aight through to voicemail. ‘Hi, Steph. I really wish you could have made it to Suzie’s farewell. Wish you’d call. I’m about to get into end-of-year exams. Can’t wait to hang out with you during the holidays.’

Three days lat
er Stephanie replied via text, ‘Ok. Talk then. Not home much, so don’t drop in. Pls don’t ring.’

It wasn
’t long now. I couldn’t wait to see her again. Now that I’d begun exams, God had answered my prayers. Even after receiving Steph’s abrupt text message, a supernatural peacefulness got me through.

*~*~*~*

Shelly rang. ‘Danny’s leaving.’ 

‘
Why? Where’s he going?’ My heart smashed into splinters in my chest.

‘
His parents are moving to Uganda to be missionaries. He’s going with them.’ 

‘
Oh.’ I sighed. ‘What about school?’

‘
I think he’s planning to do senior over two years. Distance Ed. We’re giving him a farewell this weekend.’

‘Does Anna know?’

‘I’m not sure. He only just decided to go.’ Shelly paused for a moment before continuing, ‘You know he’s not into her.’

‘
I gave up telling myself that a while ago. I think it’s just wishful thinking.’

‘
Let’s just say I have insider information, and he’s not interested in Anna. Will you come?’

‘
For sure.’ Of course I wanted to go. I had suppressed any feelings I had for the guy with the amazing biceps. I just needed an internal brick to keep them suppressed. ‘I need to prove to myself that I’m over my silly crush.’

‘
We’ll see.’ Shelly laughed.

‘
I haven’t hung out with you guys since …’ Suzie died.

‘
I know.’ Shelly had phoned when she found out about my friend’s death. ‘That’s why I rang. We miss you. Could you let Anna know about the farewell? I’m sure she’d like to say goodbye as well. I’d hate her to find out after the party.’