Stranger and Stranger (26 page)

Still no leads on what might be in there, but here are my top guesses:

1. Enough lethal nerve gas to destroy all human life on Earth. (DELIGHTFULLY HORRIFIC!!!!!)
   
2. The Ark of the Covenant, Golden Fleece, Holy Grail, Andvarinaut, wreck of the Titanic, or some other relic likely to fetch pots of money at auction.
   
3. Pots of money.
   
4. First-edition copies of
   Defeating Your Enema
   (with typo).
   
5. The suspiciously absent Mr. Fang Fang. Bonus points if he is mummified. HUGE bonus points if he is taxidermied.
   
6. Spy lab full of prototypes of delectable spy gadgets.
   
7. Crates and crates of spy diapers.
   
8. Venus Fang Fang’s great-grandmother’s china.
   
9. Refugees.
   
10. MONSTER MONSTER AIIEEEEEE!
    
11. Some sort of horrendously unholy summoning chamber for the Dread Cthulhu, or one of his associates.
    
12. Extra food and water supplies, in case of apocalypse. (Seriously, it had better be something more interesting than this.)
    
13. Command center from which Venus Fang Fang can
    control every…uh, traffic signal…in ALL OF SILIFORDVILLE!!! Bwwahhh hahha hahhhahah!!!!! OK, am clearly sleep-deprived. This list is OVER!
    

July 1

Am crying my heart out as I write this. My beloved sweet Mystery is dead. I found her in the yard, all stiff. There are no words, etc. I want to
die kill
I don’t even know. Mom is crying her heart out too. No tears from EvilOne. OF COURSE I suspect she is guilty of this, but she has not taken credit like I would expect her to do.

BUT IF SHE
DID
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS—

I don’t even know what I will do to her, but it will be THE END of my promise of nonviolence to Venus Fang Fang.

My mouth is filled with horror and the taste of blood.

Later

Have dragged myself up to my room to look for mementos of Mystery to put in her coffin. Have no heart for this. Have always had a businesslike relationship with Death, but this has put us on very unfriendly terms. Am TOTALLY REJECTING this! Cannot handle it AT ALL!!!!!!

The worst part is that for the last month of Mystery’s life there were zero cozy snuggles, zero delightful petting sessions, zero playful romps, and zero sweet meows of love.

I miss my Mystery soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Three minutes later

I just opened up one of the hidden compartments under the floorboards that EvilOne and I built weeks ago when we were friends. I could have sworn it was the one we used to stash assorted cat-related mementos. Instead I found sixty-seven copies of the Manifesto of Strange in easily portable CD format. I’m sure this is very bad news, but at the moment all I can think of is Mystery, and where EvilOne might have moved her old collars, baby toys, and kitten teeth.

Later

EvilOne just came storming up the stairs, catching me crashed out on the floor in full weeping mode. She yelled, “Have you seen the
skateboard?” and was about to search the room, but let me tell you, it was not the right moment for her to be searching the room for the skateboard. I leaped up at her like a mother bear and roared in her face. She stepped back, going, “Whoa, whatever,” and hustled downstairs.

Later

Am torn between rage and joy. Mystery is ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And EvilOne will PAY IN BLOOD for making me think she was dead. I have HAD IT with that evil thing in my house, going after all that I hold dear! She is GOING DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s how I found out. I was stumbling aimlessly around my bedroom, crying my heart out, bumping into things blindly in my search for mementos of Mystery, and calling out to the other three cats to come and comfort me for CREPES’ SAKE, but of course they were mostly hissing from under the bed at me. It was like sulfuric acid splashed on an open wound to hear them hissing at a time like that, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I sat down at the cat translator and fired it up. Our conversation went something like this:

M
E
: Posse, I really need you to not be hissing at me right now.

M
ILES
, N
EECHEE, AND
S
ABBATH
: [Spirited hissing.] [Apparently there is no English translation for hissing.]

M
E
: [Weeping hysterically.] I’ve had Mystery since I was BORN. I can’t handle losing her! Can’t one of you come comfort me a little? I’ll pay in liver!

N: I do not understand all this crying.

S: Liver?

M: You have not lost Mystery.

M
E
: Yeah, yeah, yeah, her spirit will always be with me, etcetera. I WANT MY KITTYCAT!!!!

N: She’s lying on the kitchen counter.

M
E
: I know. Mom’s making a coffin for her. You guys don’t understand, she’s DEAD!!!!

M: She is not dead.

M
E
: Sorry guys, she IS. I found her in the yard, all stiff. You know…as in lifeless.

N: Have you forgotten the effects of paramytosilicate extract on mammals?

M
E
: [Sharp intake of breath.] Are you saying…

N: That you have been the victim of a cruel prank? Yes. Now stop trying to pick me up.

S: Liver?

Have calmed myself. Have remembered my training and frozen my face into an expression of deep, hidden pain and stoic resignation. Am going downstairs for a funeral.

Later

Am hanging out in the secret sewer, silently communing with Great-Aunt Millie about the day’s events. Have attended Mystery’s funeral with Mom and EvilEvilOne. Cried a few dignified tears for the look of the thing, and then Mom and I buried the coffin. For effect, I piled the heaviest rocks I could find on top of the grave, watching EvilOne’s reaction. Not even a flinch! Oh the evil!

Am reeeeeeeally hoping that EvilOne plans to dig up the coffin. She will regret this!!!!!!!!!! (Note to self: Will need a new skateboard. The one I buried in Mystery’s coffin will never be rideable again.)

Mystery’s stiff but indeed living body is here with me and Great-Aunt Millie. I have about three hours before she wakes up. Have brought her favorite treats and toys with me. Am really hoping she does not hiss and run away.

Am also taking the opportunity to pet her as much as I can, while she’s still knocked out!

Later

Have just heard Binary Larry arrive. He has not come around to talk to me. He is over in his wing, painting west walls with lines of code. I should probably go try to explain the whole evil-twin situation, but am too exhausted from emotional ups and downs of the day. Maybe later.

About three hours later

Mystery is awake and unhappy. Have explained that she will be living in the secret sewer for a little while.

Am wondering what EvilOne’s motives could have been. Does she just enjoy seeing me and Mom suffer? Would she really harm the cats? And what on earth was she doing with sixty-seven copies of the Manifesto of Strange? I mean…this town couldn’t get much stranger. So what would she need more copies for?

Unless…

Oh no…

Could she be planning to spread her evil to other towns?

Am more motivated than ever to eliminate her at any cost!!!!

Later

Am sleeping in the sewer today. Even though I hate sleeping on the concrete, I can’t bring myself to leave Mystery. She will not snuggle, but has camped out a few feet away.

July 2

Have come up with passable plan for taking down EvilOne. I was walking along, wondering to myself why there were so many skateboarding teens on the streets. To be specific, skateboarding teens who did not look like zombies dressed as ME. And therefore, skateboarding teens who were clearly from out of town. That’s when I suddenly realized that the huge, unauthorized, unsupervised skate rally is this evening. Hot on the heels of that idea was the startling insight that, OF COURSE, EvilOne would be gearing up to make a grand appearance at the rally, out-skate the legendary Fishballs, out-popular the celebrated June July, disseminate copies of the Manifesto of Strange to the out-of-town kids, and be crowned Rally Queen, or whatever. She MUST be stopped!

—OK, must run home now, will write more in a bit—

Later

AHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH! I am back in the game. When I got home, I practically flew (cautiously) upstairs and (silently) rigged a lovely, lovely trapdoor right outside the bedroom. When EvilOne woke up and tried to leave the room, she fell
through it into a chute that dropped her, screaming, all the way through the stairwells of the house into the basement, where she landed in the huge antique birdcage, where she is currently shaking the bars, mad as yarbticks, spitting and threatening me.