Stranger and Stranger (28 page)

I think it’s a very good thing I did this before trying to surgically join myself to EvilOne, or it never would have turned out so benevolent. I really had to restrain my own idle mischief, and even so I could not help inserting a few amusing (and harmless!!!) hidden effects, such as a fondness for black licorice, impressive yo-yo skills, the compulsion to count to 13 before opening a door, the inclination to say “Flathering jimjars!” every now and again…you know, fun stuff.

Later

Am sitting in the reception area of the Silifordville psych ward, waiting for the supervising physician to see me so that I can deliver the Manifesto of Normal. And babbling catquacks, this place is overflowing with loonies! The receptionist looks like she has not slept in days and is constantly paging orderlies to come and restrain patients and take them away to their rooms. Every time they round up a few and cart them away, seven more wander back in here. Total chaos.

Am feeling very guilty about the mess my Manifesto of Strange caused!!!

Will try to regain a karma point or two by dedicating the next few minutes to thinking up something really nice I can do for the townspeople once they are restored to sanity.

Three minutes later

I have it! Am going to stage a one-golem circus, starring Raven! Am loving this idea. Am going to call Mom right away and let her know!!!

(Note to self: Golem Circus = FANTASTIC name for a band.)

Later

UNHOLY BEJEEPING FLAPJARKS!

They have thrown me in a room with a bunch of loonies and locked the door!

Here’s how it went down:

When Dr. Greenblatt came into the waiting room, I was on the phone with Mom, having the following conversation:

M
E
: Yeah, I’m gonna stage a golem circus in the park and invite the whole town.

M
OM
: You’re cutting out! Reception down here in the sewer is terrible.

M
E
: GOLEM CIRCUS! GOLEM CIRCUS!!!!!

R
ANDOM
L
OONY
: Violet does scuttle shaky lovely very!

M: You think that’s what the townspeople want?

M
E
: Yeah, Raven can, like, rip off her own arms and legs, and I can reattach them!

D
R
. G
REENBLATT
: Yes, miss? You insisted on seeing me?

M
E
: Catch ya later, Patti. [To Dr. Greenblatt.] Here, I made you a Manifesto of Normal. Just play it on your PA system and it should put everyone back to…well, normal.

RL: I’ve been washing them ever since, but alas, I cannot get them clean!

D
R
. G: A what, now?

M
E
: Actually, “Manifesto of Normal” is kinda misleading, because I think you would agree, Doctor, that “normal” humanity is pretty terrible, right? So it might be more accurate to call it an auditory amplifier of all those human qualities that make up “goodness”: honesty, patience, kindness, sensitivity, cheerfulness in the face of adversity, what-have-you.

D
R
. G: Come again?

M
E
: It’s a Happy Ray. Just play on it your PA system, and it’s gonna fix everyone up.

D
R
. G: Oh, how nice. You made a mix CD? And it’s going to HEAL EVERYONE???!???!!

M
E
: [Starting to realize how loony I sound.] Yeah, I…uh…yeah.

D
R
. G: [Eyes narrowing.] Orderlies!! Restrain this girl and take her away.

M
E
: Hey! Wait! NOOOOO! Let go of me!!! I’m not
crazy!!!! [Trying to hand Dr. G the CD.] Just play the CD! Just play it!

RL: It just doesn’t work out! Just leave me alone! JUST A PEPSI!!!!!

And they hauled me away, kicking and screaming, and threw me into a room crowded with drooling maniacs!! Am hiding under a bed to avoid getting any human filth on me!!!! Have GOT to break myself out of this place!!!!! But not just yet. I mean, it’s a bit of a dream come true for me, being hauled away kicking and screaming, and thrown into a room full of drooling maniacs. Am going to enjoy it for a few minutes more.

Five minutes later

Gigi Doubleton, President of the Silifordville Science Club, has just crawled under the bed with me, singing “Have You Never Been Mellow” at top volume. Am done enjoying the loony bin.

Later

Man, if only Venus Fang Fang could have seen the obstacle course of loonies, orderlies, and flying human filth that I just conquered, I’d totally earn a shiny black star!!!!! See diagram for details

Crowning jewel of my escape was jimmying the grate off the air duct with a tool crafted in mere seconds from the zipper pull of Gigi’s loony-bin jumpsuit and worming my way into the
heating system. Am now hanging out in said air duct just above the receptionist’s desk. As soon as she steps away, I will pop out and play my Manifesto over the PA, then bust myself out of here. It’s been entertaining, but I can only take captivity for so long!

Later

Sat in the air duct for ten full minutes being a total coward. Could not work up the nerve to jump out and start up the Manifesto because of crippling paranoia that I would then find myself unable to open a door without counting to 13. Would be caught by the orderlies, trapped inside the loony bin, and hideously, irreversibly Normalized. TERRIFYING!

Deliciously terrifying!

Anyway. That did not occur. The front door was open and no one saw me fleeing for my life. Am now back at home, preparing to restart the operation on EvilOne and me, and trying to get a hold of Mom to tell her it is safe to come home.

Later

Finally got through to Mom. Terrible reception in that sewer. She refuses to come home until I have proof that the Manifesto of Normal worked. Not much I can do about it right now, so I might as well move ahead with Stage Six of Operation…uh…Conjoininination!

OK, here goes—back to the surgical birdcage…

(Side note: It’s comforting to know that, at the end of the world,
when all other conceivable combinations of letters, numbers, and hieroglyphics have been used as band names, I’ll still have Surgical Birdcage in my back pocket.)

Later

More paranoia. Am sitting outside the basement door, trying to work up the courage to go back in and face EvilOne again. Am recalling my empathy training and trying to get myself into her head. I know that she’s going to be infuriated AND on her guard. Sure, she has limited resources in there, but she’s got all my booby-trapping skills! She could probably cobble something together out of her own fingernails and hair!!!! And she will never let me into the cage without some kind of horrendous assault. Cannot think of any foolproof way to snare her.

OK…I give up. Am creeping to Venus Fang Fang’s house for help.

Later

Am proud to say that as soon as Venus Fang Fang opened the door, I had a flash of intuition, empathy, or whatever, and knew exactly how she would answer me…“McCowen-Llewelyn Maneuver?” I asked, and she nodded. Of course!!!! I slapped my forehead and made like to run home, but she stopped me. Call me psychic…but once again I knew what was coming.

V
ENUS
F
ANG
F
ANG
: So…your plan for defeating your saster…do you have it all set?

M
E
: [Trying to lie. Failing.] Sort of.

VFF: Does it invalve any kind of stakeout?

M
E
: [Exerting superhuman effort to lie for Venus Fang Fang’s sake. Succeeding, kind of.] A…little bit…of a stakeout…

VFF: [Lighting up all over.] I have samthing for you.

M
E
: [Graciously accepting the spy diaper from her.] Fangs. Fangs a lot.

VFF: Have we talked about your speech impadiment?

M
E
: No time for that now, I’m needed at the stakeout.

By the way: I just want to point out how tiresome it is that I’m constantly being asked by the adults in my life what my plan is, as though I’d just graduated from high school and were, like, lounging around in the pool instead of getting a job, or something. I mean, they really need to take a moment to appreciate how feggling hard I am working on resolving this whole evil doppelgänger problem, and quit bugging me!!!!!!!!!

OK, outburst over. Am feeling better. Let the booby-trapping begin!

Later

Am very pleased with myself! Not only was I able to use the McCowen-Llewelyn Maneuver successfully against EvilOne, so that she is now completely immobilized in a tight body-fitting net and suspended over a tank of deadly fish, but the net is made from spiderwebs that we/I collected, preduplication, and the deadly fish are electric eels that we/I raised ourselves. MYself. So not only is this booby trap EFFICIENT, it’s also PERSONAL. Style points!