Stranger and Stranger (27 page)

Am grateful for the training of Venus Fang Fang!!!!!!

On to the next stage. Will report back later.

Later

Stage Two complete. Have erased all sixty-seven copies of the Manifesto of Strange and put them back exactly as I found them.

Later

Stage Three complete. Have completely ruined November December’s reputation with hundreds of teens by simply being myself. It took all the guts I had to show them my most pathetic side, but it was EXCELLENT! Clutched FakeCat to my heart, hung out with my finger up my nose, borrowed someone’s skateboard and bailed out spectacularly on it, and succumbed to crying spell when I was mocked. Fishballs has won the Best New Trick competition, and all the zombified teens have adopted HIS signature look.

I finally left when half the kids there shouted at me to go. And let me tell you, it felt GREAT.

Fishballs and some of his new followers.

Later

Stage Four: Must make sure Mom is on board with my plan. Have reviewed stills from cat-cam for potentially incriminating shots. I think these ones should do it:

Later

Interesting developments! Have showed the stills to Mom. She did not need to be convinced that it was EvilOne and not me doing the deeds.

M
E
: See, you can tell it’s her if you look at the shadow falling on her leg here, because I actually have a small chafe mark there from the cast, and…

M
OM
: Cool your jets, E, I can tell it’s her.

M
E
: You can? How?

M: Oh, I’ve always been able to tell you apart.

M
E
: [Floored.] But how?

M: There’s really no mistaking it. Facial expressions, body language, your voices, the way you smell…

M
E
: So…but…OK. Hey, so would you agree that she’s pure evil, or what?

M: Well….….….……I….….….…………sure. Yes. Sort of.

M
E
: [Punching air with fist. Hootin’ and hollerin’.]

M: So what’s your plan?

M
E
: Well, I have to let her out of the cage pretty soon. She’s got to go to the skate rally so she can get pointed and laughed at.

M: Come on. That’s just petty revenge, there. What we need here is a real solution.

M
E
: Oh. Yeah. I don’t know, kill her?

M: [Not finding this funny.] Okay, I really hope you’re kidding, E. First off—I thought I raised you better than that. Remember? We don’t kill in this house? Also, I thought your Jeopardy game established that neither of you is really complete without the other. Wasn’t that your whole point?

M
E
: [Blinking like a dum-dum. Proverbial lightbulb turning on in head.] Of course. My whole point. All along. Thank you. For the reminder….…………. I have to go now.

Good old Mom!!!!!!

Later

Current thoughts:

1. EvilOne and I are each just HALF of Emily Strange.
   
2. This helps to explain why neither one of us is all that awesome of a person.
   
3. EvilOne’s evil HAS to be stopped, and I think the best (only?) way to do that is for our 2 halves to be rejoined.
   
4. I think that if I can somehow unite our bodies, our personalities will re-merge.
   
5. The best way I can think to do this is through drastic surgery.
   
6. Am resigning myself to life as a set of surgically conjoined twins.
   
7. As long as it means the end of crying spells and uncontrolled nose-picking. (Oh, and unmitigated evil, of course.)
   
8. Am looking forward to being able to lie again. All this truth-telling is really cramping my style.
   
9. Not sure what will become of my skateboarding skills when I have 4 legs. Am hoping for the best.
   
10. If all else fails, can look forward to some rewarding work in sideshows.
    
11. Fingers crossed that my cats will like me again once my 2 halves are united.
    
12. Fingers AND toes crossed that I can get EvilOne to sit still for drastic surgery.
    
13. Am thankful for the training of Venus Fang Fang and Queenie Kew!
    

Later

Stage Five complete!

I went and bought EvilOne a nice (VERY nice) new skateboard and took it down to her in the basement. We had the following pleasant sisterly chat:

M
E
: Hey, Ev—OtherMe. Sorry about the cage, man. No hard feelings?

E
VIL
O
NE
: I’m gonna RIP you, and TEAR you, and—

M
E
: And sorry about breaking our old skateboard.

EO: LET ME OUUUUUT!

M
E
: C’mon, you’re not gonna be mad about a little CAGING, are ya? After you made me think Mystery was dead? You gotta admit, you got me way better this time around. I mean, you saw all that sobbing, right? Don’t ya know, I pretty much wanted to DIE if Mystery was gone.

EO: [Calming down. Smiling a sinister little smile to herself.] I did get you pretty good, huh.

M
E
: [Encouragingly.] Yeah. You did. And I know the big skate rally is this evening, and you were probably planning to go, so I got you a new
skate. Deluxe model. It’s pretty king. Already put some stickers on it so no one’ll know it’s new.

EO: OK then, fair’s fair, but you gotta let me out RIGHT NOW or I’m gonna miss the Best New Trick competition.

So I unlocked the cage and let her out.

She walked toward me with a smile on her face. A smile that, a few days ago, I might have mistaken for remorse and reconciliation. Thank you, Venus Fang Fang! I saw the violence and malevolence and, OK, a little craziness in that smile, and braced myself for what was to come.

She approached me, grinning, reaching out for the skateboard. But I saw the tiny shift in her weight as she began the vicious sweeping kick that should’ve knocked my legs out from under me. But as her foot lashed out, I stepped back out of range, raising the skateboard over my head.

“This one’s for Mystery,” I whispered to EvilMe, and administered her anesthesia. Am very glad now that I saved my pain medication instead of flushing it down the toilet. Swallowing one of those little gems really helped me get over the sting of guilt at knocking EvilMe unconscious with her new skateboard. “Sorry about the violence, Venus Fang Fang,” I said, and got ready to operate.

Later

Was interrupted by urgent call from Venus Fang Fang before I was even five minutes into the operation. Things have taken a bad turn! Um, I mean, a GENUINELY BAD turn! Lots has occurred with very little time for journal writing. Am finally able to jot down what has happened. Here goes:

1. Binary Larry has taken his revenge for November December’s public cruelty!
   
2. And has told the police that I was responsible for the Manifesto!
   
3. But he was laughed at, because EvilOne had already contacted the police and told them that OUR MOTHER was responsible for the Manifesto!
   
4. Venus Fang Fang got wind of this through her ratfink son and locked him in his room as punishment!
   
5. She also wasted no time alerting me that the police were coming for my mother!
   
6. I have hidden Mom in the secret sewer, armed with Raven and several gallons of white paint, just in case they need to cover up my highly incriminating sewer mural!
   
7. But pesky crying spells are preventing me from handling the situation in a calm, professional manner!
   
8. Now I’ll have to postpone the operation until I have put the police off Mom’s trail!
   
9. And restored the townspeople’s sanity!
   
10. And then I’ll have to deal with an enraged EvilOne, who will never allow me near her again without extreme resistance!
    
11. And somehow subdue her enough to surgically join our bodies!
    
12. And somehow make the cats like me again!
    
13. And concoct suitable comeuppance for Binary Larry!
    

July 3

I dropped some food down the chute to EvilOne. She doesn’t deserve any kindness from me, but twinges of guilt were keeping me from focusing on my Manifesto problem. Clearly I am far too nice.

Then I hunkered down at the Oddisee for a serious code-fest. Now I ache all over from programming for so long, but I have (finally!!!!) succeeded in writing a Manifesto of Normal, which can be played just like a regular music CD and uses various harmonics and frequencies to strengthen all of a person’s Positive Qualities (honesty, patience, kindness, sensitivity, cheerfulness in the face of adversity, what-have-you) while taking the sap out of all their Negative Qualities (lying, thievery, idle mischief, petty cruelty and violence, and so on). It should do a stellar job
of neutralizing the effects of the Manifesto of Strange and transform all the raving lunatics into well-balanced, tolerant, peaceful folk who are unlikely to give me any further trouble.