Stranger and Stranger (30 page)

Later

Mom has (FINALLY) agreed to leave the secret sewer and come home with me. She is nervously gripping EvilOne’s journal and looking around for police officers. Raven is somehow managing to tote Mystery’s cat carrier AND keep a steel grip on EvilOne, who is struggling under the Victorian tapestry we wrapped her in. And I’m holding Great-Aunt Millie’s shoe box, silently conferring with her on the next stage of the plan.

Later—back at the house

Have inhaled Great-Aunt Millie! That’s right, I held her up to one nostril and sniffed her right in! Now she is hanging out inside me, looking for EvilOne, so she can perform the spiritual equivalent of the surgery I did earlier today! Am patting self on back for thinking this one up!

Have made many preparations, and finished by filling a kiddie pool with the remaining liquid black rock. Am running so low on black rock, I had to tip out the reservoirs in the duplication device and wring out my cast. Whatever it takes! Am about to lie down in it. Am going to try for deep trance state. It’s time EvilOne and I had a real heart-to-heart. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Later

Yeah, so, here’s how THAT went down:

I floated there in the black rock for a while, getting into a nice meditative zoned-out state of mind, and visualized myself, my halved personality, hanging out here in this half of my body. Just hanging out, but paying attention: listening, watching, focusing my awareness on my other half.

Finally started wondering where Great-Aunt Millie could be and whether she was still here.

The answer came from miles and centuries away:

G
REAT
-A
UNT
M
ILLIE
: Yessssssdearrrr I’mmmmsstillllll here.

M
E
: Great, you can talk again?

GAM: It’sssssseasierrrrr beinnnng insssssssssside.

M
E
: Can you find her?

GAM: Sheeeeeee’sssssshidinnnnng.

M
E
: Any suggestions?

GAM: Trrrrrrry gettinnnnnngbiggerrrrrrrrr.

So I visualized getting bigger. Like my self was growing to expand into every little corner of my joined bodies. Filling nooks and crannies with my spirit. And finally cornering EvilOne…in my left little toe.

Before I knew it, Great-Aunt Millie had zoomed up to her, thrown her over her knee, and was giving her a mighty paddling.

GAM: That’sssssssforrr thebarrrrrrrrelllll of brrrrrrokennnnnnnglassss!

E
VIL
O
NE
: Aieeeeeee! OtherMe, save me!

And I did! I grabbed her away from her righteous, violent, dead great-aunt’s spirit, and put my arms around her, and told her everything was gonna be all right.

M
E
: We belong together, EvilOne!

E
VIL
O
NE
: You just want your skateboarding skills back!

M
E
: No, no, it’s not like that, I swear…I mean, you’re ME! And I’m YOU! And you might be evil in its rawest form, but gobbing loquats, I NEED YOU!!!!

EO: Do you realize what we’re doing?

M
E
: Um…hugging? And learning?

EO: That’s right.

M
E
: But there’s something else going on here, EvilOne. You see, the whole time I’ve been
hugging you with my SPIRITUAL arms, I’ve also been using my PHYSICAL arms to tear out the stitches that were holding our bodies together, and now it’s time for us to be TRULY ONE AGAIN!

EO: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

And as the essence of EvilOne flowed from her body into mine, I ripped our bodies apart bit by bit, holding her spirit tightly all the while. Oh the pain pain pain, but there was no time to think of that. I was getting stronger and more powerful, more MYSELF, and the other body was being drained of life, black stuff, Strangeness, Evil, skateboarding skills, and whatever else was animating it, until it looked all pale and limp, like an old corn husk or dried-up snakeskin.

I was about to snip the last few stitches and separate us forever when Great-Aunt Millie spoke up.

G
REAT
-A
UNT
M
ILLIE
: Waaaait jussssssssta minnnnnnute, mydeeeeeeeear.

M
E
: Yeah?

GAM: Sheeeeee stilllll hazzzzzzzz yooooour lazinesssssss, deeeeeeceit, annnnd pettyyyythieeeeeverrrrry. Shalllllllll
weeeleeave themmmmm wiiiith herrrrrrr?

M
E
: Nah, I need that stuff.

GAM: Whatabout nozzzzzzepickinnnng andcryyyyying spelllllllllls?

M
E
: [Suffering the old existential pickle.] Uhhhhh…I better keep everything, just to be safe.

Shellac! Am hoping I made the right decision. I considered being choosy about which qualities I took back, I really did, but remembered what Mom said about no killing in the house. I actually take that seriously, you know. And if EvilOne had ANY of my human qualities left, it WOULD be killing. I really didn’t want Mom or Venus Fang Fang to think I murdered EvilOne.

Later

Excellent! Mom agrees with me that what’s left of EvilOne is no more than a VERY large, unusually detailed, eerily lifelike hangnail sort of thing, and can be cut off with no guilt whatsoever!

Used the toenail clippers to snip her away from me. And let me tell you, it felt GRRRRRRRRREAT!

Later

Back in my bedroom. MY! Not OUR. Had a very emotional reunion with my cats. I did not cry. I DID NOT CRY! HAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAH!

July 5

Woke up at nightfall when Mom knocked on my door. She is still fussing over the possibility that the police are coming after her.
Not knowing what else to say, I suggested we talk to Venus Fang Fang about it tomorrow. After all, it was HER son who put the police on our trail…maybe she’ll feel obligated to help out.

Gotta go, I have a wicked new park to skate!!!

Later

Have skated the very pudding out of every rail and ramp. Local teens made way for me, with odd looks aplenty. I guess I should be embarrassed, considering the last time they saw me, I was weeping/clutching a stuffed animal/picking my nose…but it just felt so good to be skating, and I really couldn’t care less about anything else.

Here’s the weird part, though: Skating that park was all new to me, AND at the same time it was all completely familiar.

Later

Back at home! Good times! Have spent most of the night playing guitar at top volume, revamping all the basement booby traps, and (most important) petting cats. It is soooooo good to be myself again. Will never mess about with self-duplication again!

Later

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

It’s three in the morning and I just got off the phone with Binary Larry. Here’s what he had to say:

B
INARY
L
ARRY
: Dude, I didn’t see you in the sewers tonight.

M
E
: Nah, my mural’s all done, and I got other stuff going on…

BL: Yeah, well, as long as you got some pictures, I guess…I just thought you’d want to, like, give it a farewell touch-up or something.

M
E
: What do you mean, farewell? I’m not going anywhere.

BL: Well, you KNOW, that whole thing? With the mayor?

M
E
: WHAT THING???? SPILL IT RIGHT NOW, YOU!!!!!

BL: Dude! Don’t you watch the news? They’re gonna flood our secret sewer with poop!

Yes. Yes. Earlier tonight, apparently, the mayor announced that it was high time the town revisited the original purpose of the ill-fated ribbon-cutting ceremony, which I never bothered to discover. Oh flabbering gutbarks! It was supposed to be the inauguration of the brand-new sewer system! They are indeed going to flood my lovely, lovely sewer mural with filth!

I realize there is really nothing to be done about it but am going to sleep on it and see if I come up with some kind of plan. Sad end to a great night.

July 6

Wow.

Have just had THEEE MOST AMAAAAZING nightmare!

Poor Silifordville! Poor poor poor poor Silifordville!

—Uh, I think the town is actually OK, but this dream was just so flathering REAL—

OK. Here’s what my very own golem did in my nightmare:

• Ripped free all the walls of the new sewer system. (Not just north-and east-facing walls, either.)
  
• Punched them up through the pavement, destroying pretty much all of Silifordville’s roadways in the process.
  
• Slammed the muralized walls down onto the cars of Silifordville, flattening them all.
  

The creepy part was how the townspeople reacted. Since everyone was Happy Ray’d into ultimate benevolence, no one tried to stop her; they just stood by patiently and watched her do it. Then the mayor publicly thanked “the little girl in black” for giving the town of Silifordville such beautiful new sidewalks, eliminating the cars that were polluting the air, and providing a reason for the town to switch to composting toilets. Then she dynamited
the dam and let Lake Siliford flow into what used to be the sewer, creating a lovely canal system in place of the roads.

AHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!

Man, I LOOOOOOOVE a good nightmare.

Later

Was feeling so invigorated by my excellent dream that I actually didn’t feel quite so awful about the defiling of my mural, and left the house ready to take on the night. Skated down to the sewer for one last look at my masterpiece. Had to laugh at my ridiculous dream. If I HAD asked Raven to save my mural, she’d be much more likely to do it by scraping the paint off the walls and gathering the flakes up in her pockets, or something.