Stranger and Stranger (31 page)

Packed up my paintbrushes, leftover snack treats, candles, surveyor’s gear, mapmaking gear, and spelunking gear. Took some final farewell photos and hightailed it out of there just as the floodgates creaked open and the avalanche of yukness poured in and ruined my mural forever. It’s OK, though. I think I
prefer knowing it is down there under the muck, rather than on the surface, being used as a sidewalk by the Silifordvillians.

Later

Came home from the sewers late for my appointment with Mom and Venus Fang Fang. The two of them were already deep in discussion.

M
E
: So lay it on me, Venus Fang Fang. Do you think you can help us convince the police that Patti didn’t do…ahem…that awful, evil prank down at Town Hall?

V
ENUS
F
ANG
F
ANG
: Oh, that would be no prablem at all. You see, I knaw who ACTUALLY did it.

M
E
: [Wide-eyed, innocent stare.]

M
OM
: [Mortified silence.]

VFF: I also knaw why you left Blandindulle, Dullton, Dumchester, Ridicaville, and Tootleston.

M
E
: [Sarcastically.] Gulp.

VFF: [Glaring at me.] I’ve also discovered eight hidden effects of your Happy Ray. And if I know your habits at all, which I do, I’ll soon find anather five.

M
E
:….….….….….…. [Gulping for real now.]

VFF: I ALSO know about a fairly long list of incidents invalving your dark code. Not to mention, I have some pretty good ideas on the significance of that liquad black rock of yours.

M
E
:….….….……Oh. Um. OK.

M: [Carefully.] What do you intend to do with this information, Mrs. Fang Fang?

VFF: I’m advising, and I hope you’ll decide to consider this advice
VERY CAREFALLY,
that you leave Silifordville pratty much immediately.

M
E
: But…I thought my training was going so well…

VFF: I haven’t made many mistakes in my career, but I made a very sarious one by training you. Had I known that you and your so-called saster were two sides of the same person, I’d have been much more cautious.

M
E
: But—? What—? Why—?

VFF: Don’t you wander why I trained YOU, and not HER?

M
E
: A lattle. Ahem. A little.

VFF: I would never offer my skills to anyone as deeply evil as your…ather side.

M
E
: But how do YOU know she was evil?

VFF: I tald you she became good friends with my dog, Viscer…well, I followed them on their
walks and saw how she used that friendship.

M
E
: Oh no, let me guess…

VFF: It’s all raght. I intervened before anyone was actually mauled. But now that your two halves have reintegrated…

M
E
: Venus Fang Fang, you don’t actually think I’M evil……do you?

VFF: No, no. I’d say you’re HALF evil. M: [Indignantly.] Mrs. Fang Fang! My daughter is NOT half evil!

M
E
: Uh…Patti…?

M: 49% evil, I’ll grant you that.

VFF: Please don’t be offended, Ms. Strange. I myself am roughly half evil. Young Larry…prabably 52%. Can’t train HIM. Sweet chald, though. But Emily here happens to have…unusual talents, very dangerous in the hands of even the half evil, definitely warning signs of future Evil Overlordish tendencies. Just 13 years old, and she’s already implicated in several unsolved cases of industrial sabotage, defacing of public scalptures, and in a couple of instances, the mostly complete destruction of small towns with funny names.

M
E
: Well, then, wouldn’t it be better if I stayed here, where you could keep an eye on me?

VFF: Oh dear, no. I would have no prablem keeping
an eye on you no matter where you went. But I’m not the only one watching, and we don’t want to attract the wrong kind of attention. It would be a grave tactical error for us to stay in the same town together. Not just for your sake, but for mine and young Larry’s. And, well, we were here farst.

M: No problem, Mrs. Fang Fang. We’re, uh, pretty used to this.

VFF: Splandid. And I will settle everything with the police.

M
E
: [Getting mad.] Wait, so I have to pack up and move all my stuff AGAIN, just so I don’t inconvenience YOU? This is all about your super secret sewer, isn’t it?

VFF: My…super…secret…sewar.

M
E
: Yeah, what, you didn’t think I knew about that? What do you have hidden down there, anyway, that’s so fribbling important?

VFF: [Long, thoughtful pause.] All raght…I owe you that much. Come by my house tomarrow evening and you’ll find out.

Gahhhhhhhhhhh! Am of course extremely curious to see what she’s got in there, but it’s small consolation for having to move again.

July 7

Raven and I are hanging out in the super secret sewer, which contains Binary Larry’s swanky, futuristic BACHELOR PAD! AHHAHhahha-hAHHAHHHA!

I let him believe he was entertaining me.

B
INARY
L
ARRY
: The great thing about binary is how versatile it is. I mean, two people who knew it really well could hold hands and use two different finger squeezes to have a totally secret conversation!

M
E
: Yeah, sounds great, except it would take hours to say anything interesting.

BL: [Looking dreamy-eyed.] I know!

M
E
: [Snorting.]

BL: Did I ever tell you about my friend Hex Lex, who carves messages in hexadecimal in the sidewalks with a hammer and chisel?

Later

Raven and I have paid a final social call on the ladies of the Silifordville Science Club. Bebe is still her same old self, having refused a dose of Happy Ray, but Gigi is a changed woman! I can’t say I like her new style much, but she’s much less argumentative than before, and she overflowed with positivity when I showed her the dried-up husk of my former evil twin. I encouraged her to keep it as a rare scientific specimen. And also to gross out Bebe.

Later

Back in my bedroom with the Posse. THIS IS THE LIFE. Lounging on the bed, putting off packing, writing in my journal, getting pawed at and headbutted by Sabbath, blanketed by Miles and NeeChee, gazed
upon with love (and some drool) by Mystery…

Mom has just knocked on my door complaining that SUDDENLY no cats want to sleep with her anymore. I offered her my well-worn plushy FakeCat. She tried to turn it down, but took it in the end.

July 8

We are practically done packing already! Oh the joys of a well-programmed golem! I’m about to tape up my last box of critical personal items, and it’s time to pack away this diary and get on the road. One last to-do list before I wrap this up:

1. Must get duplication device working again. With way more safeguards this time!!!!
   
2. Mom clearly needs a vacation from me. Must see about sending her on a long cruise to foreign places.
   
3. Lots of band names, zero bandmates. Must train cats to play instruments.
   
4. School will be starting all too soon. What excuse will get me out of going this year?
   
5. Should begin brainstorming next Master Prank ASAP.
   
6. Might want to sniff out any lurking spy trainers before starting next Master Prank.
   
7. Should stake out territory for my next mural. Bigger square footage. Less potential for being defiled with sewage.
   
8. Is the world ready for an English-to-Catlish translator, and do I want to give it to them?
   
9. Having successfully made golems out of Tasmanian devils, possums, ravens, discarded glue bottles, and staple guns, I think it’s high time I tried creating life from scratch.
   
10. Am out of liquid black rock. Must arrange return trip to ancestral home soon to refill!!
    
11. Not sure whether to be more offended that Venus Fang Fang thinks I have Evil Overlordish tendencies OR that she doesn’t seem to consider this much of a threat.
    
12. Should really investigate what Venus Fang Fang actually knows about me and how she got her information!!!
    
13. Venus Fang Fang = KILLER name for a band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!