Super Sexual Orgasm: Discover the Ultimate Pleasure Spot: The Cul-De-Sac (12 page)

• 138 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.
  

  I hope that through the simple techniques in these exercises you can begin to develop the attitude that:
  

• your body looks and feels wonderfully good
  

• you can love your body the way it is
  

• you can have sensual and sexual enjoyment if you revel in who you are.
  

  A client of mine, Betty, did not like to kiss and this caused problems for her in relationships. After doing the body image exercise you just completed, Betty revealed to me that she had been in a car accident as a teenager and had broken her nose. She had to have major reconstructive surgery. The surgeon had done an impeccable job and the scars of the trauma were no longer visible, but the trauma remained in-side Betty’s head. Betty felt that when her lovers were close enough to kiss her they could tell that her nose was reconstructed. Betty never told her lovers why she had such anxiety. The kissing issue always became a stumbling block in Betty’s relationships and they all failed.
  

  I am bringing this up because if this exercise reminds you of a traumatic experience or brings up powerful memories or emotions, you may find relief just in the expression of such feelings by getting them out in the open. If your anxieties remain great and unresolved, however, consider seeking the assistance of a qualified counselor or therapist so that you can deal with the issue completely. If such feelings are brought up by any of the exercises that follow in this book,
  please go find the support you need
  . There are
  

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  many good people working in the therapeutic field who can ease your situation and work with you to release yourself from the tyranny of past traumas.
  

  Spring Cleaning
  

  It’s time to get a lot of good stuff and bad stuff out in the open. The day after you do the preceding exercises, I want you to complete this next exercise.
  

  I want you to write out:
  

• everything you like and don’t like about your body
  

• everything you like and don’t like about your experience of sexuality and sensuality to this point in your life
  

• everything you want and don’t want your experience of sexuality and sensuality to be in the future
  

Do this writing in a stream of consciousness. This is not Shakespeare you’re creating, but rather a means of cleaning out your system. You’re acknowledging where you’re coming from so you can then set your sights on moving on. If you have a love affair with the shape of your left elbow, sing its praises on paper. If you have an eyebrow you arch just the smallest bit to make your lover come running, tell all about it. Write out your most embarrassing moments. And go ahead: be mean, rude, and darkly envious.

Get your feelings out, out, out! Let all your deeply held beliefs and secrets be told to yourself. Don’t worry about complete sen—

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tences. Don’t worry about spelling and punctuation. Write furiously, with focus and honesty.

If you are more of a visual than a word person, take a stack of magazines including fashion-glamour, culinarytravel, and nature, go through them and image associate for each of the three categories outlined above. Circle the pictures or parts of pictures that speak to you as you see them, then go back and cut them out and glue them into a collage, perhaps even embellishing with your own drawing and captioning. You could do your collage in terms of the colors that the categories bring up for you—or perhaps you’ll respond by circling shapes and textures. Do this exercise with as much wild and creative abandon as you want as long as it connects with your feelings. As with the writing, though, don’t dwell on the pictures. You’re going for a first instinct connection here. You see it and know it means something to you, so circle it! If you are more of a verbal person, do a spoken-word stream of consciousness. Tape record it so that you can play it back afterward and hear what you’ve said. The reason I suggest this is some of my clients have gotten into an almost trancelike state using this verbal approach and then afterward

don’t really remember what they’ve said.

If you want to do the writing, the collage,
and
the spoken-word exercise, good for you. You’re really getting to the heart of what you feel, the better to implement great changes in your life.

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Getting to Know you

Let me state again here that it is so very important, when your goal is achieving super sexual orgasm, to spend time reintroducing yourself on a very intimate level to your own physical self. For the more connected you are to your body, the more adept you will be at accessing your SSO capabilities. Women who achieve SSO most easily, regularly, and intensely are women who have a harmonious relationship with their bodies. It’s not a coincidence, it’s part of the SSO process.

Let’s do a test. When was the last time you were turned on by your own skin? Take that a step further. When was the last time you could get turned on by your own skin by just thinking about it? You see, women who are at ease with their own sexuality are not necessarily the most gorgeous women in the world. I’m sure at one or another moment in your life you have seen or met one of these women. Some are actually quite average looking but they exude such charm, such enveloping sensuality, that their presence draws you in and makes you want to be around them. These women can turn others on because they are excited to be in their own bodies. And this comes from knowing their bodies. They love each curve and valley. Even their moles! They love their skin, their toes, their thighs. They know the feel of themselves from head to toe.

You’ve heard the expression that from knowledge comes power. That is certainly true in the sexual arena. And nobody can give you that “drawing power” like you can. It’s this simple. When you know your body, when you love your body, you and your body become some—

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thing other people want to love. You’ve heard some of your women friends say, and perhaps you have said yourself, that they feel more attractive when they are wearing this or that piece of clothing or jewelry. It accents the line of a neck or slims hips or brings out the aqua in the eyes. There is no magic going on. That necklace is not talismanic. You are giving that bauble your permission to put you at ease, to make you think in your own mind that you look fabulous. And when you think you are fabulous, you
are
fabulous. And people will find you so.

Love, acceptance, and permission. These are three words that should guide you always. The journey to SSO is a very personal undertaking, perhaps one of the most intimate experiences you will have. Would you go on such a journey with a stranger? No. And yet, no matter what you think you know about yourself as you read this, I guarantee you that you are in some measure distanced from your true self and body self. So let me give you a wild sentence that might seem out of
Through the Looking Glass:
You are going to go through some unbecoming in order to become. Which is to say, you are going to reestablish a level of ease, understanding, and trust with yourself in order to allow you to achieve the depth of self-intimacy SSO requires. You are going to get to know yourself inside and out.

The exercises you have just completed, and the exercises that follow shortly, will enable you to give yourself permission to feel as sexy and as beautiful as you are. Because once you realize what a sexual knockout you are, whether dressed to the nines or in sweats with your legs

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spiny as a porcupine and your hair looking like you’ve been coifed in the Sahara, you are going to have that natural level of self-confidence and centeredness upon which you can start to build up to your spectacular SSO.

Sizing up the Situation

A note on fitness before we go on. You don’t have to be a marathoner to have a wild SSO ride. I myself am the most casual of exercisers, taking just a few hour-long walks along the beach every week. But I am generally able to maintain my weight in proportion to my height and physique. What I am getting at is the closer you are to a sensible body size and good physical tone, the easier you will find doing the SSO exercises in this book, the more dynamic the experience will be, and the more pleasurable your sex life as a whole will become.

Now lovemaking itself is a great workout because of all the movement involved. Frequent and vigorous sessions exercise the long muscles of your arms and legs, giving your body a more sculpted look. Making love steps up your metabolism and can even help ward off osteoporosis. It’s a terrific physical toner because of the connection to your res-piration and blood flow. Sex deepens your breathing and increases the oxygen you take in, oxygen that then flows throughout your body. Your hair is shinier, your eyes are brighter, and your skin is radiant because of your increased circulation. The sensation of arousal you experience from sex results from the release of endorphins from your brain. Endorphins can make

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you experience altered states of consciousness such as “run-ner’s high” as well as boost your immune system and act as natural painkillers.

But even with all the physiological benefits of sex, in addition to being the ultimate, intimate thrill, don’t rely on lovemaking to be your sole exercise workout. No matter the physical shape you’re in, increase your exercise time by saying “I’m going to do ten more minutes of some kind of workout three times a week from this moment on.” That’s only half an hour a week! No big deal. So do it.

Of course, as wonderful as exercise is, there are some things it cannot do for your health. It can’t make up for eating junk food, smoking, doing drugs, or using alcohol excess-ively. And the best sex can’t make up for these negative health practices either. Use the empowered feelings you will increasingly have as you move through the SSO exercises to inspire you to shed any remaining bad health habits and implement beneficial ones in their place.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Now please, do not interpret my words about exercise and body shape and tone as another demand on you to be and look perfect. No, I just want you to be healthy and physically comfortable to the degree that it works for you, a very individual thing. We women get “be perfect” directives constantly on subtle and not-so-subtle levels from our society. We’re more liberated than we were fifty years ago on many levels, but we still have a long way to

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go when it comes to personal acceptance and selfrespect. Most women I talk to in my practice and lectures have a problem with their body image. Even some of the most stunning women I meet find something to dislike about themselves. I remember one woman whose body I would have traded my soul for telling me with great sadness in her voice “I don’t feel okay about having sex because I don’t feel comfortable about having my partner look at my body.”

Don’t allow negative body perceptions to stand in the way of achieving your SSO. Don’t deny yourself the permission to enjoy your complete sexuality because you think you haven’t achieved society’s standard of attractiveness. Your sexuality is a terrible thing to waste. The sensate focus exercises we are going to do next will allow you to transform your relationship with your body and your connection to it. Get ready to take your first step toward making yourself truly whole. And remember, as you engage in these exercises, be gentle and generous with yourself.

Reach Out and Touch Yourself…AGAIN

What I would like to do with you now is take some time to revisit the techniques of sensate focus, and explore their magic in greater depth. Give yourself at least one full hour for this next exercise.

Sit or lie naked in a comfortable position. Place your fingertips on your body gently and focus in on that point of contact.

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Follow the point of contact wherever it moves. If your mind wanders off, gently bring your focus back to what you are physically feeling at the contact point.

Keep your touch slow. Slow, slow, slow. Being touched in this manner is comforting and relaxing, which is necessary if you are to reach profound levels of arousal and SSO. Don’t massage, but rather keep to a light, constant motion. You can use long sweeping strokes or short ones (try both styles to see what they do for you). Remember to breathe evenly.

Try closing your eyes and cutting your pace—even if you think it is super-slow already—in half. As you touch, let your sensory awareness include temperature, texture, shape, movement. The only intention about this kind of touching is that you are touching to make yourself feel good. Remember to maintain contact with some part of your body the entire time.

Sensate focus touching can be done on any part of your body with any part of your body. You can touch with your fingertips, your hand, your face, your hair, your nose, whatever you want. Do not avoid parts of your body when you are doing the exercise. Touch whatever you want in whatever order but make sure you touch yourself everywhere. When you get to your genital area, remember this is not an occasion for masturbation. You will just caress slowly and let yourself appreciate the touch. Be especially careful to have clean hands and add a touch of baby oil or other lubricant before you proceed. Slowly begin to touch your inner thighs and your vaginal lips. Keep your focus on what you are touching. Relax. Breathe. Slowly stroke your clitoris and inner lips. Insert a finger into your vagina and let it move in and out. Spend lots of time going over your genital terrain. If you

become aroused,

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that’s fine, but this is not the goal. Your only goal is to experience and appreciate the sensations.

Whatever occurs during this sensate focus exercise is all part of getting in touch with your pleasure, enjoying yourself, and learning about your body. As you explore your genital area in general and your vagina in particular you’ll be struck by the smell of this area. The odor of a clean, healthy vagina may be strong, but it is very positive. Save your money and don’t use sprays or deodorants. Keeping your genital area washed and, if you desire, shaved, is all you need to do.