Super Sexual Orgasm: Discover the Ultimate Pleasure Spot: The Cul-De-Sac (9 page)

As I’ve mentioned earlier, if during these exercises disquieting emotional material comes up for you or you feel in any way physically compromised, whether you understand why or not, immediately cease the activity. Consider discussing this immediately with a therapist or other health professional.

Face Value

You and your partner want to start the process of being intimately absorbed and involved with each other through a sensate focus face caress. As with all the exercises to follow, I suggest allowing a one-hour minimum of time together. You may feel like moving into lovemaking afterward but remember, this is not a requirement.

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The sensate focus touching time is enough in and of itself. You may want to use a skin lotion as a part of this exercise, but it is not mandatory. I suggest removing watches, rings, and bracelets so that your hands and arms are soft everywhere to the touch.

As the active partner, sit with your back against a vertical surface (a wall, a headboard, etc.) with a pillow on your lap. Your partner should lie between your legs, face up, head on the pillow. It is important to have your partner’s face within easy reach. If using lotion, begin to caress your partner’s face, stroking everything from the top of the head to the base of his neck. At all times move slowly, sensuously, and lightly. If you remember to focus on feeling the skin, not the muscles underneath the skin, the pressure you apply will stay just right.

Move one or both hands across your partner’s forehead and down the cheeks in a circular motion. Take deep belly breaths as you do so. Caress your lover’s chin and dwell on every centimeter of skin on his neck and ears. The nose and eyelids are also places of extremely delicious sensory pleasure. Find all the spots that turn you on. After fifteen minutes, switch roles.

The Long, Good Back Caress

In this next exercise, the sensate focus back caress, you will caress the entire back side of your partner’s body, from neck to feet. As always, conduct the session in a comfortable environment. I also suggest warming up for the exercise with five minutes of spoon breathing.

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To start, have your partner lie facedown. He can keep his arms at his sides or underneath his head. Lie alongside him, maintaining as much body contact as possible during the exercise. Stroke your partner’s back sensuously and slowly with a hand. You can start anywhere, but the first time through, start at the neck. Run any portion of your hand—fingers, knuckles, palm, heel of the palm—over the shoulder blades and then down the spine. Drift your hand over your lover’s buttocks and legs.

Think of your partner’s body as a sensory playground and touch anything that feels good to you. Explore and enjoy the sensuality of your partner’s back with different strokes. This is not a massage, though, so keep your touch light. Stay attuned to differences in temperature, texture, and shape. Try caressing with your eyes closed and see how that affects how you sense what you are touching. Use lotion or baby power if you like, especially if your hands tend to perspire. If you sense your partner’s body tensing during the caress, lightly press down on the tensing area as a signal to your partner to relax.

If you have trouble focusing, consciously slow your caressing motion down to half the speed it was before. If thoughts about what your partner is feeling intrude, bring your mind back to the exact point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin. The only thing you need to think of in relation to your partner is how he feels to you. Remember that each stroke of your hand sends healing good-will toward your loved one without saying any words or making any sounds.

After about twenty minutes, do five minutes of spoon breathing before changing roles. At the end of the hour, spoon

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breathe together again before either getting dressed or moving on further with your lovemaking.

This next exercise is a sensual variation on the back caress you just learned.

Begin your sensate focus back caress, but this time instead of caressing with your hands, use some other part of your upper body, such as your hair, face, or breasts, or try using your feet. Each will engender in you a unique and extraordinary range of sensory experiences.

If you become sexually aroused during this back caress enjoy it, but bring your mind back to experiencing the point of contact between you and your partner. There can be time for lovemaking later on.

After twenty minutes, spoon breathe and change roles. When you are the passive partner, soak up the sensations like a sponge. Breathe evenly, deeply, and regularly. Relax your muscles. Keep your mind on the precise point of contact where your partner strokes you. Try not to move. Accept the stimulation you receive and only speak up if something feels uncomfortable or inappropriate. Spoon breathe again at the conclusion of the exercise.

Up Front and Personal

In this exercise you and your lover get to lavish attention on the other side of the body. Your caress will include the genital area, but not in any detailed way. There will be no penetration of the vagina, for instance, just stroking the

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outside of it, because this is a sensual exercise not a sexual one. Make all your preparations for yourselves and your environment before you begin, and, as before, allow the same amount of quiet time.

Begin with five minutes of spoon breathing. After your spoon breathing the passive partner lies on his back, and you, the active partner, lie next to him. Maintain as much fullbody contact as possible. You can try resting your hand or cheek against your lover’s chest to listen for a heartbeat for a few minutes. Then begin stroking your mate, ever so slowly, starting with his face, neck, shoulders, and arms. Move down to the chest, stomach, abdomen, and genitals, and farther to the thighs, calves, feet, and toes.

After a full experience using your hands, start again from the beginning. This time, however, caress with your face, hair, or breasts. Close your eyes and move extra slowly. Release into the intense energy of the moment. Finish up by listening to your partner’s heartbeat. Spoon breathe and then switch roles. Spoon breathe again at the conclusion of the exercise.

The conversation you have relating to how this particular caress affected you both should be quite amazing. It is so very intimate, and for many, transcendent.

Two Informed Adults on a Mattress

This next exercise can be very erotic, but more important, it is educational. You would be amazed at how many men and women say they know all about a

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woman’s genital anatomy but give me physical details that are closer to describing a chicken than a human being. I’d like to say they were taught by nuns, as I was, but I know that’s not always the case. I think this lack of knowledge is linked to the shame and embarrassment that society manages to subtly and not-so-subtly convey to us about our genitals (even though other segments of society, like advertising, use our sexuality to blatantly titillate us, but I don’t want to get into a whole sociological analysis here). What I want is for you to spend some intimate time going over your genital terrain with your lover. So get comfortable (maybe begin with a body caress or some of the other bonding exercises in this chapter), get a flashlight, then get to the exercise.

The goal of this exercise is to help your partner get more comfortable with and wise about your body. So remove all of your clothing and invite him to learn.

The structures you want to make sure you’re both clear on to start are the outer lips and inner lips of your vagina, the hood that covers the clitoris, and then the clitoris itself. This isn’t a budget tour so take your time. You don’t have to look like you’re doing an autopsy either—smile or giggle if you want. Breathe. Lighten up.

Have your lover insert a finger sensuously into your vagina and feel the PC muscle. Tighten and release it. Have him curve his finger up, pointing toward the mound to identify the G-spot—it has a rough feel.

Now have your lover take a lubricated dildo and insert it gently into you. Tighten the PC muscle and let him see how it

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holds. Release the muscle and do the vaginal breathing that allows for the opening of the cul-de-sac. Let him see how the dildo goes in that extra space and how the cul-de-sac closes in on it. Tug lightly on the dildo and let him see how it holds in place.

If you get excited doing this, even to the point of orgasm, enjoy your journey. But try to keep making it educational for him. Make every effort to point out the color and texture changes that occur as you become aroused. Pinks become reds, muscles tighten and spasm, tissues swell, and areas lubricate. It is all a beautiful, natural part of the sensual dance.

More Ready than Ever

Congratulations. You have now completed all of the bonding techniques—techniques which are certain to enhance all aspects of your lovemaking. Frankly, I feel that the exercises you have just completed are the most difficult exercises in this book; difficult because they involve such intimate emotional risks. But you’ve succeeded. And you should be very proud of yourself and proud of the relationship you have just strengthened. Now you can move on, taking your partner with you for the rest of your wild SSO ride. When you need him most, he will be there for you, and his strength will give you strength.

But be prepared, also, for a few surprises. The new, greater strength of your bond may bring forth a very unexpected additional payoff into your lovemaking experience: transcendence. I think I better explain…

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Perhaps you’ve read or heard, particularly in Eastern cultures, about how some kinds of lovemaking can lead to spiritual, ecstatic, almost altered states in which you feel connected to something larger than yourself. Well, this is exactly the kind of sensation many women describe experiencing with their partners once they incorporate these bonding techniques into their SSO lovemaking.

Now, I am not very religious and I don’t consider myself especially spiritual. In fact, my friends would probably say I’m one of the most skeptical, "show me exactly how that works and why" people around. And yet after I started experimenting personally with SSOs, I too would have to say my lovemaking sessions took on a quality of transcendence to another realm. Every woman’s experiences are personal-ized, but here, as examples, are my own observations.

During SSO sex everything looks clearer, sharper, and brighter. Sometimes I have seen colored flashing lights, sometimes I have heard faint, ethereal music, sometimes I have felt as if I was levitated off the bed. And one time, in a giant illumination of brightness, I felt I could actually see the union of my partner’s and my souls. The state of pleasure was so intense at times that I felt a serene blissfulness not unlike what Buddhism describes as a state of being free from desire. So transported was I by the cosmic intensity of this feeling, it was like I was floating, wondering if I was before, in, or after orgasm.

None of this, by the way, was anything I willed or consciously made happen. Yes, the ecstatic experiences

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came out of my own freed sexuality to be sure. But when they happened, they happened
to
me, taking their own natural course.

East Meets West

Let’s take a big step back for a second. Even from a purely physiological point of view, cul-de-sac penetration is a very intense experience. Could all that I have just described spring from the physiological reality that one is panting so much as to hyperventilate, and that there is an accompanying massive release of endorphins? To be sure, all this is going on. All I can say, however, is once you have yourself felt the transformation that SSO brings, you will be hard-pressed to write it off as just a biological phenomenon. The results of an SSO sexual union point toward an ecstatic connection with a higher power, whether for you that power is God, pure light, goddesses and spirit guides, or Nature.

Even if you appreciate the following information on a purely intellectual as opposed to a spiritual level, I think you will find it worth considering that in Eastern traditions, the universe is regarded as being created by the union of the male and female—pure consciousness (Shiva/male) and pure energy (Shakti/female). The universe is sustained on a macrocosmic level by this interplay of male and female. On the microcosmic human sexuality level, I believe the same need for interplay and balance is required. In order to explore the furthest reaches of lovemaking potential, a woman needs to

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explore her male side by learning to have very explosive orgasms. A man needs to explore his female side by containing his orgasmic energy and controlling his ejaculation while still having orgasms.

The way to go beyond arousal, beyond mutuality, beyond intimacy, and to ecstasy requires that a woman find a partner who worships her body, especially the sacred space of her vagina. For a man, that quest for ecstasy requires that he find a mate who lovingly accepts his penis, and to whom he can open his heart. The ultimate union will see a couple speaking to each other and respecting each other through their genitals. Such communication will only happen when both parties bring their full sexuality to the union and when both are completely present in every loving moment of embrace.

6
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ICING

To experience the power of super sexual orgasm it was necessary to practice many exercises and master certain techniques. But these same exercises and techniques

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have a number of additional, equally exciting applications for any woman who is interested in further expanding her sensual repertoire and surrendering even further to her own sexual power.

To me, SSO is the cake. But now it is time for the icing. And there is, in fact, so much icing, so much more sensuality that you can bring to your SSO lovemaking, that I have felt hard-pressed to decide which of my favorite tips for added intimacy to include in these pages. I love cake. But my favorite part is the icing. Do you feel the same way? Then survey the opportunities I am about to reveal to you, and sample from them till you find out what suits your taste.

But a word to the wise before we get started: Do not think in terms of having to master all of these techniques now, or even ever. This is not the place for feeling that you have to do everything everyone does, and do it better than they do. Lighten up, get into a mind-set of wanting to have fun, dust off your sense of humor, and dive into the sea of sensual possibilities. Follow your instincts to arrive at a sexual repertoire that works for you. Not that the repertoire you arrive at will be static, either. What you like will change for all kinds of reasons: different moods, different partners, different time of the year, different locations—just to name a few reasons. You may have enough of something you thought you would love doing forever. And then, just as suddenly, you may become intrigued with something that up until that moment never held any charm for you.

This ever-changing nature of what appeals to your

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sense of sexuality is what makes the lovemaking experience so profoundly magical. And it’s the way of the sexual world.

Sounds Like Sexual Spirit

In the majority of the exercises in this book, we focused on the power of touch as a means of connecting with your sensual self. Now it’s time to bring the element of sound into the sexual equation. Notice I didn’t say talking. Because what we are going to explore in the next few exercises includes talking, but encompasses an even wider range of vocalization. What is an orgasm? We’ve already talked about this a lot.

And I’m sure that by now, you have your own thoughts and feelings to add to the discussion. Maybe even a little poetry. But the bottom line is this: An orgasm is a release—an intense, concentrated release of energy—and the greater the release, the stronger the orgasm.

It follows logically, then, that any way you can add to such a release will heighten the experience of orgasm and all that leads up to it. Little
o
s become big Os, and super sexual orgasms become super-duper sexual orgasms. When you intensify your sexual experiences by adding in the vocalization factor, you will intensify your feelings, escalate your energy release, and amplify your SSO ecstasy multifold.

You’ve probably experienced this phenomenon in the nonsexual arena many times and just never even paid

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attention to what you were doing. But take a moment to reflect on what I’m saying now. Here, let me give you some examples to think about. For instance, if you’ve ever ridden on a roller coaster, didn’t you feel your level of thrill increase when you screamed as you soared and plummeted at breakneck speed? If you’ve ever watched a baseball game at a stadium, didn’t you join in with the crowd by cheering, yelling, or chanting when your team scored a run—and didn’t this excite you even more? When you make dinner or hang around in the kitchen sampling what your partner has made, don’t you either say something or make some sound of approval when you taste something especially good—and doesn’t what you are tasting seem to taste better yet? I’m sure now that I’ve got you thinking along these lines, you can come up with many more of your own examples where sound enhanced an experience.

The point is, sex is no different from any of these other examples you can think up from your own life. Simply put, the most magnificent sex is not silent. Sure, you can have some delicious silent encounters. But all my years of work as a sexual surrogate and then as a sex therapist have led me to the conclusion that vocalization—whatever that means for each individual—is absolutely essential to experiencing your most complete orgasm. And that includes the super sexual orgasm. If you give your lovemaking all you’ve got—the full range of sounds and words you have inside of you—then you will discover that your sex life has a lot more than you ever thought or previously experienced to give back to you.

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Breaking the Sound Barrier

But wait. Are you just a little uncomfortable about this vocalization thing? After all, if you speak up, well then, won’t you be heard? And don’t many of us have an early ingrained training of being “good little girls” who were as silent, polite, ladylike, and compliant as possible in all aspects of our lives? And when we did speak up, weren’t we expected to say something nice and soothing or at least agreeable? And aren’t the sounds that might come out of your mouth during sex—if you were to truly let go—likely to be raw, animalistic, unbridled, guttural, volcanically panting, maybe even stridently dirty? Does this potential inside of you frighten you and make you want to wear a baffle on your head?

It does to many, many women. Which is why, before we do finally get down to it, I want to explore with you what apprehensions you might be feeling at this moment, especially if making sounds during sex is something you are not accustomed to. I firmly believe that the fear of releasing the sounds we have inside of us—be they words, cries, grunts, shrieks, fragments of words, or sentences (or even an incomprehensible melange of all of this)—during any activity, but especially during sex, is a
learned
behavior.

I mentioned previously how for many of us, our upbringing to be “good little girls” often resulted in us being stifled from expressing what we really felt like saying. And then after the stiflers were no longer there in our lives to continue such stifling, we took on their role and often muffled ourselves into silence better than any—

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one ever had before. Good girls do everything well, you see, even when it ends up hurting themselves.

In my house growing up, speaking about sex—and certainly hearing the sounds of lovemaking—was scrupulously avoided. You would have thought my mother was involved in a series of virgin births, so carefully was any iota of sexuality excised from our family environment. If you came from this kind of household, or even one that was not that extreme but where there was still a level of unease around the facts of sexuality, you may have started feeling that sexual activity and its related sounds were dirty, or scary, or weird, or worse yet, something to be minimized.

Even if you came from a family environment where sex was not the big taboo, you may have developed a hesitation around or pattern of avoidance of making sounds during lovemaking because of certain life situations. Situations like these, for example: When you were in college, you were conscious that a roommate might be listening or that you might wake up the whole dorm if you really let it rip during your orgasm; in adult life, you didn’t want to have the entire condo complex aware of when you were getting “lucky”; or even now that you have your own home, you feel constrained about waking up the kids or making any kind of noise that would disturb the dog and make her start howling.

And even if you managed to come from a well-balanced family in which sex received the “don’t ask, don’t tell” treatment, and even if you didn’t have any of the living situations I just outlined, you still might not be

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giving full rein to your sexual voice because it would reveal too much about you. Yes, because letting out what you have inside of you spontaneously during sex does say a lot about you in that you are opening yourself to your deepest, most personal core—and that’s scary for any one of us. It’s asking us to trust ourselves, and our partners—a lot to let that core be revealed and not derided or belittled or smirked at or smiled at in any way. This is tough stuff to accomplish, even for the best balanced, most emotionally even keel among us. What I’m saying here is, I know that asking you to become vocal during lovemaking requires a lot from you, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It has been tough for almost all of us at one point or another in our lives. So please, as I’ve said in all the chapters before this, go at your own pace. Don’t do what doesn’t feel comfortable to you. Take “small bites,” not big mouthfuls. Chew everything well and think about what you’re absorbing. And just make sure that your partner clearly understands he will need to share with you, now more than ever before, all his caring, love, patience, and sincere, undivided attention to help you sustain an environment where it is safe to be heard in this world.

The Art of Noise

Let’s loosen up your vocal cords with a simple exercise before you start adding a soundtrack to your lovemaking sessions. Some people feel it helps to play music as a background to mask the sounds they will make during

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this exercise. And other people like going to a location like a park or an empty beach where they can make as much noise as they want without disturbing anyone. It’s basically up to you. Just make sure that you choose a location where you are comfortable making as much noise as you can possibly make.

Take a book with dialogue (you can also take a poem or a screenplay or a play if you like) and start reading it aloud. Begin in a normal tone of voice. Give the words the inflection you feel they should have and don’t worry about whether an acting coach would approve. After a few lines, start to increase the volume at which you are reading, and as you do so experiment with adding intonations that have nothing to do with the words or the meaning and in fact make no sense at all. Then, as you are continuing to read out loud in an elevated tone of voice, start adding in random grunts, guffaws, giggles, screams, and any other sounds you can come up with. Hum even. In the middle of it all, drop your voice to a whisper and then in the next second explode all the way out to your loudest voice.

Put aside the text and continue to make only loud sounds, dropping out the talking altogether. If moving around helps you do this, feel free to sway, dance, hop, glide, fox trot—whatever literally moves you. And remember to take deep, enriching breaths and remain relaxed throughout your body, most especially in your vocal cords.

Keep these noise sessions to about five minutes each to start with so that you will not overdo things and get

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laryngitis. Give yourself at least a week to start feeling comfortable with the high-end range of what your voice can emit. When you get comfortable and confident in your voice noise-making it is as if a whole other dimension has been added to your life and your love life. I’ve had some clients tell me that this exercise alone was the pivotal one for them, the moment that released them from years of living their life in the silent shadows. You may have the same experience or this exercise might just be the beginning of the releasing process for you. The important thing is not to have any set expectations. Just enjoy the exercise for what it does for you. And then get ready to move on to your next vocal assign—

ment.

Go Yell it on the Mountain

In this exercise, which is a partner exercise, you and your partner are going to make the wildest range of noises you can come up with. As in the previous exercise, you can choose to stay indoors or outside. The only requirement is that you don’t put any limits on the levels of sound you will both make. Also, do not make any physical contact during the course of the exercise. But again, if you feel the inclination to make any kind of movements during the process that only involve yourself, then definitely go ahead.

Begin by making sure you are relaxed throughout your body. Take deep easy breaths. Increase the pace of your breathing and

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make your breaths audible. Now start to make any kind of nonverbal noise that comes into your mind. Try not to think too much about what you are doing, but let go in a stream of noise consciousness. Mimic your partner if you like or make the sound be is making in a slightly different way. Keep increasing the sound level of your voices as you laugh, gurgle, roar, whinny, burp, and snore, to name a few noises you can make. Look at each other as you reach the top of your decibel range and see if you can project your voice as if into each other’s being. Keep that high-energy bond going. And then, if you can manage to do this simultaneously, suddenly let your voices drop. Keep breathing audibly. Move the air smoothly in and out of your lungs. Check your body out muscle by muscle to make sure you are relaxed and then, while continuing to stare into each other’s eyes, take the time to let your breathing settle down to a normal rate.

In this playacting technique, each partner takes turns making the sounds be or she thinks a wildly orgasmic person would make. This is your opportunity go way over the top with your vocalization. Dramatization and bad dinner theater here you come. Send out your sounds so that people on the other side of the world can wake up and hear you. We’re talking along the lines of Meg Ryan’s bravura orgasm imita-tion performance in When Harry Met Sally. Give Meg a run for her money and put on a knock-down-drag-out orgasm show for yourself and your partner.