Surviving Passion (15 page)

            Selena strode out into the gently rolling fields, watching where she stepped, lest she run over a snake. Unfortunately, rattlers were not uncommon in the region, and since humans always killed the loudest of them, the entire species had grown quieter. This meant that they tended not to warn passersby until they were almost on top of them. Selena shook her head at the thought, wondering how people could be so short-sighted. Luckily for her, all she saw was a gopher snake basking on a rock in the morning sun. She guessed it to be around five feet long, but she knew they weren’t venomous and passed by without incident.

            The hills brought Selena up to a slightly higher elevation, and she could see the pond ahead of her to the east. Some of the rooftops were visible through the intermittent trees of the camp. From where she stood, Selena couldn’t be totally sure which was which. Looking up at the clear sky, she gauged the time was approaching noon, and she was starting to feel the heat. Before she knew it, she was on the far side of the pond, close to where the valley wall was steepest. Behind the privacy of some bushes, she pulled off her clothes. Desperate to cool off, Selena made sure no one was in sight and waded in. The bottom was sandy and clear where she stood, and the water was just cool enough to be refreshing. Soon, Selena disappeared beneath the water’s surface, opening her eyes to survey the blurry scene. There were grasses speckling the sand, and the bottom grew rockier towards the center. Coming to the surface again, Selena mused at how perfect the valley was for their camp. Brian, the man who had chosen this place had been very smart. It was secluded, sheltered with trees, had a beautiful water source, and was protected with steep, sometimes jutting mountainous walls. She felt suddenly lucky. If she would have to live anywhere with other people, this was definitely the best place for it. At the moment, her worries seemed wonderfully unimportant.

            When Selena was finished swimming, she waded out and did her best to brush the water off before pulling on her tank and new shorts. She found a big, flat rock to lie on and welcomed the warm sun on her skin as she wrung out her long hair. Glancing across the pond, she spotted movement on the other shore. It was Clint, and she knew he could recognize her easily from where he stood a few stone throws away. With a wave of disgust, she wondered if he had watched her getting dressed. Selena pretended she hadn’t seen him, and lay back to rest. She followed him out of the corner of a half-lidded eye for safety’s sake. He was watching her as he filled a bucket of water from Ben’s filter. To her vast relief, when he was done, he turned around and walked back to camp; but his gaze had unsettled her.

            By the time Selena set off for her cabin, it was mid afternoon. On the bright side, she felt much more familiar with her surroundings after the day’s journey. She managed to get back to her cabin without running into anybody, and set about changing to drier clothes in her room. Just as she finished switching shirts, her front door slammed. She spun at the sound, cursing herself for forgetting to lock it. No voice called out, so she was immediately on guard. Striding quietly to her door, she peeked out just in time to see Clint coming towards her bedroom. She quickly shut the door and locked it, now feeling totally alarmed.

            “Selena, open the fucking door,” he growled from the other side.

            She began pacing in front of it, trying to think. Her windows were high and narrow and she would have to smash them to climb out
if
she could reach them. The door wasn’t very strong, and the lock was a simple one. If he wanted to, he could probably bust it open. Her knife was in the other room. She cursed under her breath, trying to fight off her growing panic. She leaned against the door for reinforcement and tried talking him down.

            “Clint, I want you to leave.”

            “I said open the fucking door,” his tone was low and steady.

            “No. You have no right to be in my cabin and you’d better go or—”

            “Or what?”

            Her mind was reeling and she couldn’t think of an answer, but his footsteps quickly receded from her door. She put her ear to it and listened to the sound of him shuffling through her things.
Oh God
, she thought, casting about for anything that could help her, finding nothing. She didn’t know what he was doing, but she guessed it had to do with getting the door open. All too soon, his footfalls returned and she heard the sound of metal on metal.
Oh God, Ben was right. Ben was right,
she thought, frantically trying to hold the doorknob in place. Her heart thundered in her ears as she heard a scraping sound. Too soon, the handle jerked violently and the door was thrust open.

            Selena sprang back across the room as the door swung wide to reveal Clint’s grim visage as he stood, motionless, on the threshold. She saw a savage hatred in his eyes as he dropped the big needle she used for sewing. He paused, breathing heavily and staring at her from across the room. He was out of control, she knew, and tried to hide her terror.

            “Get the fuck out of my room, Clint,” she hissed with as much menace as she could muster. “Whatever you do to me, I promise that you are going to get hurt bad. Think, Clint. What will the others do if they find out you did something to me?”

            “I don’t give a fuck about them,” he spat, coming closer. “They are fucking idiots. In fact, I should have grabbed you and rode right out of here as soon as you showed up.” The distance between them was closing as he finished, “Sometimes, you gotta take what you can get.”

            He darted forward faster than she would have believed, slamming his hands against the wall on either side of her. Her own came up instinctively to shield her, but he held himself away. With obvious relish, Clint drew himself closer with agonizing slowness until the few inches between them began to close. He was trying to make her afraid, she realized then, and it was working. Her mind flashed back to that night in the woods. She had almost been in the exact same situation with Dan, but while her fear had seemed to deter him, Clint was feeding off of it.

            His hands snapped suddenly to her waist and she jumped, yelling involuntarily. She tried to pry them off, but he squeezed hard, pressing her up against the wall. She swung quickly for his throat and the blow landed, but without much force because he was so close. He coughed and cursed under his breath, catching her wrist and slamming it against the wall. His other hand went frantically for her shorts and she seized the opportunity to pound his ear hard with her other fist.

            “Selena?” Blaire hollered outside, just as his vice-like grip closed around her other wrist.

            Her knees almost went out from under her then, but she forced herself to stay upright. “I’m here,” Selena yelled back, her voice cracking with the hysteria of relief she felt.

            “You are one lucky bitch,” Clint told her, glaring as he pulled himself away. Selena didn’t move as he turned his back to her and walked out. She could hear Blaire coming up the steps.

            “Thanks, Selena,” Clint called over his shoulder as he walked out the front door. “Hey Blaire.” He greeted her casually, and then he was gone.

            Selena sat on the bed, hanging her head between her knees for several seconds before forcing herself to her feet. “I’ll be out in a minute,” she called to Blaire. Her hands shook violently as she numbly replaced her damp shorts with dry pants.

            Should she tell her what had happened? Not yet, Selena decided. She wouldn’t do or say anything until she had calmed down and found time to think. When she felt she had herself under control, she stepped out into her front room.

            “This is some nice work,” Blaire said appraising the tight stitching that made Selena’s clothing endure so well.

            “Thanks,” she replied as steadily as she could.

            “We were wondering where you ran off to. Hadn’t seen you since breakfast. You missed lunch. Started getting worried.”

            “Oh, I was just out getting to know the area.”

            “Well I forgot before, but I’ve been meaning to tell you that Becky’s birthday is in a few days. Truthfully we don’t know exactly what day it is, but it was on the new moon when she was born so we just celebrate at that time of the month. We only really bother with these things for the kids. Makes us parents happy. My Tim’s thirteen now and he doesn’t like us celebrating for him. He’s an adult, he says.” Blaire chuckled at that before continuing, “Anyway if you wanted to make her a little something, I know she’d love it. So would her parents. Only if you have the time, though.”

            Selena nodded and managed a weak smile as she struggled to listen.
One minute it’s rape, the next minute it’s children’s birthday parties
, she thought, struggling to feign normalcy. Blaire had continued to talk, but Selena didn’t hear her until she turned to go.

            “Well, I’ll leave you to your work,” she said, heading for the door. “Oh, and I think Dan was looking for you. I don’t know if he was just wondering where you were or if he wanted to talk to you.” Here she shrugged, “You know him. I think he’s at his cabin. That’s the second behind the kitchen.”

            The door closed and Selena collapsed onto her chair. As an afterthought, she jumped up to bolt it, just to be safe. He probably wouldn’t bother her again so soon, but she wouldn’t take any chances. She was beginning to wonder if Clint was smarter than he made out to be, and that made things a whole lot scarier. Sitting down again, she laid her head in her hands. The slimy feeling of him leering so close flashed through her and Selena shuddered violently.

            “Ugh!” She groaned involuntarily, then stood and kicked her chair over. Feeling like she needed another swim to clean the feeling of his filthy hands off her waist, Selena unbolted her door and walked out. Her mind floundered trying to understand what she’d done wrong. She had tried so hard, and Selena knew now that she’d reached the end of her rope. Whether it was her fault or theirs, she could not live alongside men.

            When Selena knocked on Dan’s door, it opened promptly. He stood aside and let her in, saying nothing. She didn’t even know why she was here. She’d already made her decision.

            She strode in as if she were in a dream. Everything felt surreal. All she managed to observe was that his cabin was orderly before he gestured for her to sit. When she took a chair, he dragged another to face her and sat down as well.

            “Selena,” he started, looking away and absently rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not
trying
to make things hard for you. I just need you to be willing to cooperate. Keeping people safe here is my job. While you’re here, that includes you, whether you like it or not.” He paused, and it occurred to her that he was trying to be tactful. “I know I dragged you out here and you’re used to living a certain way, but …” he couldn’t seem to find the right words.

            Selena sighed. She knew what was coming, and she didn’t have the energy or the will for it.

            “Where were you today?” he asked, plainly.

            “Getting familiar with the area,” she replied flatly, finally feeling as unconcerned with his opinion as she’d meant to be all along.

            Dan had no idea what had happened less than twenty minutes ago, so she couldn’t fault him for being bothered by her indifference.

            “Selena,” he replied firmly, still clearly trying to be patient, “I need you to agree with me on something. I need you to try not to go off alone, especially without telling anyone. We go in pairs when we leave camp, especially if you are ranging any distance away. I’m glad you didn’t go far, but
you
know that so soon after our raid we have to be on guard, and as far as I knew, you could have been anywhere.”

            He watched her for some sign of understanding.

            “Dan,” she hung her head and let her air out slowly, “I don’t … I can’t—“

            He sighed in exasperation, shaking his head. “Why do you have to make my job so difficult? I can’t keep you safe. You won’t let me.”

            “Your job?” she echoed, rising slowly to gaze out the window. Selena tried to formulate a sentence that would make sense, but all she had were fleeting husks of thoughts, “I can’t do this anymore,” she answered finally. “I can’t. This isn’t working. I don’t understand anyone.” She had to force herself to breathe in before going on, “I don’t understand
you
. I don’t know how to do this.”

            Her emotions began to rise again and she managed to fight off the urge to cry, but only by tapping into her frustration once more. She had endured too much. As she turned to face him, Selena found Dan still in his chair, searching her with his eyes. She could see him processing her words, but he was too guarded to respond openly. That was just the way he was, and Selena had no more patience for guessing.

            “I can’t do this anymore,” she repeated firmly. She didn’t know why she had bothered to stay so long in the first place. She should have left as soon as she had the chance.
Then why do I feel so bitter
? she wondered. But the answer was crystal clear in that moment. For some crazy reason she couldn’t account for and against all that was sane in her, Selena had really wanted him. Stiffening visibly at the realization, she walked to the door and turned before leaving. Dan was standing now, but that was all he was doing. “Don’t worry, Dan. Your
job
is going to get a whole lot easier,” she finished.

            “Wait,” he said, following her to the open doorway. His eyes narrowed as they bored into her. For an instant, it looked like he knew that there was more to her feelings than met the eye. Now she read concern on his face.

            “You’re caring? Now?” she cried. “What a magnificent change of heart!”

            Selena was losing control, she realized vaguely. It burned that he was perceptive enough to know that something had happened to her, because it meant that he had always been that perceptive. It also meant that he had probably been right about everything, and maybe even understood his effect on her completely.