Take a Deep Breath (Lake of the Pines) (2 page)

“I’ll only be here for a month or so. Sara and I need to get
back home at the beginning of August to get ready for school.”

“Great! We’ve got plenty of time to catch up! I’d love to
spend some time with you if you can get away.”

“Sure, that’d be great.” Liv’s stomach flip-flopped as they
walked back to the cottage together. She wasn’t sure if it was her anxiety or
Cam that was causing her butterflies.

They set the bags on the kitchen table. Liv started to put
the groceries away when Hannah interrupted. “That’s enough now. You two go and
relax. I’ll take care of these.”

“Are you sure Gram? I’d be happy to help.”

“Nonsense, I’m perfectly capable of handling this myself. I
may be old, but I’m not an invalid. Go! Go spend some time with Cam. I’m sure
you two have a lot to talk about.”

“Okay.” Liv stood still, reluctant to leave.

“Mom! Mom! Where are you?” Sara called from the other room.

“I’m right here. You don’t have to yell!”

“I’m sorry, Mom! Pup-Pup and I are ready to play outside. I
want you to come with us.”

“I don’t know Sara, I need to…”

Cam could tell Liv wasn’t up to a run with a puppy. He
worried she was ill, but didn’t want to ask Liv in front of Sara. “Come on,
Sara, I have a tennis ball in my truck. We can teach Pup-Pup how to play
fetch.”

“Really? You mean it?” That would be great! That’s okay,
isn’t it, Mom?” She looked to Liv for permission.

“Sure, just don’t go down by the lake.” Liv felt grateful
not to have to run after the little girl and her new pet.

“I won’t Mom!”

Liv wandered around the side of the cabin toward the
screened-in porch. A picnic table with a plastic, red-checkered table cloth sat
in the middle. She pulled out the stacking chairs from under the overhang and
dragged them over to the fire pit. Partially protected from the rain, they were
still a little wet. Liv wiped down four chairs with the semi-dry beach towel
she found hanging over the railing. She sat down in one, drew her knees up to
her chest and rested her chin on them.

She watched as the yellow tennis ball sailed through the sky
and the puppy raced after it, stumbling over its own large paws. The ball was
almost too big to fit in the little dog’s mouth, but somehow she managed. She
ran back to where Sara and Cam were calling and waiting for the imp to return.
Pup-Pup hadn’t quite gotten the concept of dropping the ball though. Sara
chased after her trying to get the ball back. What started as a game of fetch
now looked more like a game of tag. Sara didn’t seem to mind. She was a blur of
motion, her brown hair in a ponytail streaming behind her. Liv smiled to
herself as she listened to her daughter’s constant chatter and laughter. Cam
didn’t know what he was in for when he offered to play with Sara and the puppy.
Sara was a force of nature. Her lips didn’t stop moving until her body betrayed
her each night and she succumbed to sleep. Sara often fell asleep in
mid-sentence. At eight years old, she had a lot to say.

Liv turned her attention to Cam. He had the ball back now
and gave it to Sara to throw. Pup-Pup was jumping up trying to catch it. Cam
leaned over and whispered something in her ear and Sara laughed. Sara took to
him right away. Cam had an easy way with children. He patted Sara’s head and
then they were off chasing the puppy again. She was amazed he looked so natural
with her daughter. She wondered if he had any children of his own.
He must
be married by now
, she thought as she continued studying him.
How long
had it been since she’d last seen him? Ten years?
Many a day, she and Cam
hiked the trails that crisscrossed the area. She’d just turned nine when they
met.
Almost the same age Sara was now
, Liv mused. It was the first summer
she got to spend at Lake of the Pines alone with her grandparents. Her parents
and two older sisters, Lisa and Jen, were taking a vacation to Spain. Her
parents thought she and her younger sister, Maddy, were too young to enjoy the
Spanish culture. So Livvy got to spend the summer with her grandparents at the
lake, while Maddy stayed with their other set of grandparents. Although she was
a little nervous about being away from her parents for so long, Livvy didn’t
mind. In fact, she was ecstatic about getting to go to the lake and be an “only
child” for the summer. Cam was a bit older than she was at nine and a half. The
half was important back then. His family spent every summer at their summer
home on the other side of the lake. Her mind wandered back to the day they met.

That first summer she didn’t know anyone but her
grandparents. She was shy and liked to spend time in the cottage playing cards
with her grandparents or reading in the hammock. She’d only been there a couple
of days and already she felt home-sick. Her grandma insisted that Liv wouldn’t
miss home so much once she made some summer friends. Hannah assured her she
would make friends quickly, but Liv wasn’t so confident. The state park on the
other side of the lake offered lots of activities for kids – nature hikes,
crafts, games… Hannah wanted her to go on one of the nature hikes, but Liv
wasn’t too sure she wanted to go.

“You’ll be fine Livvy. You’ll meet lots of kids your age.”

“I don’t know Grandma. My stomach really hurts. Can’t I just
go lie down and go the next time?”

“Nonsense, Livvy! The fresh air will do you some good! Come
on. If you throw up, then you can come back home.”

Reluctantly, Liv went along. When they got to the head of
the nature trail, Liv saw a group of kids laughing and carrying on as they
waited for the hike to start. They obviously already knew each other. Liv felt
like an outcast; self-conscious and unsure. Then she saw Cam standing off to
the side of the trail all alone. He had a scowl on his face and his hands jammed
in his jeans pockets. He kicked at a rock buried in the sand with his boot. Her
stomach flipped over.
This is a bad idea,
she thought.
I just want
to go back to the cabin and read.
Unfortunately, Hannah had seen him too.

“There Liv, look at that little boy. He’s here all alone
too. I bet he could use a friend.” Liv was skeptical, but felt she had no
choice, as now the boy was watching.

“Go on.” Hannah gave her an encouraging push in his
direction. With no choice she walked over to where he stood.

“What?”

His gruffness took her back a little. She glanced back at
Hannah who waved her on. She turned back to the boy determined. “My name is
Livvy. What’s yours?” Her words quickly tumbled out of her mouth. She bit her
bottom lip as she waited for him to respond.

“Cameron.”

“Oh…” Liv stood awkwardly in his silence. She stared at him,
trying to think what to say next.

“You got something on your shirt there.” He gestured toward
her shirt. “It looks like some kind of bug…”

“Get it off!” She looked down toward where he was pointing,
stifling the urge to scream as he bumped the end of her nose with his finger.

“Gotcha!” He smiled then, showing one dimple in the corner
of his month.

Liv laughed. Relief flooded her. “Good one!”

Just then, the naturalist called the kids around her and
went over the rules of the hike. Stay on the trail. Keep together. No running.
After what seemed an eternity, they finally began to walk. Liv turned to find
Hannah, but she was already headed back to the car. “See you in a little
while,” she called to Liv. Livvy waved, letting Hannah know she was okay.

Liv followed behind Cam as the naturalist pointed out
various native plants and trees along the path. However, she wasn’t paying much
attention to what the naturalist was saying. Liv was too busy studying Cam. She
pulled off a long piece of fox tail as they walked along. She suppressed the
urge to giggle as she used the furry end to tickle the back of Cam’s neck. He
swatted at it twice without turning around. After the third time, Liv couldn’t hold
back her laughter any longer.

He swiveled around to face her as the others continued on
the path. “Gotcha! We’re even now!” She smirked, waving the weed in front of
him.

“Not even close!” He lunged toward her to tickle her. She
screeched and ran just out of his reach. She raced to catch up with the others
with him on her heels. Her stomachache a thing of the past, they became fast
friends that summer.

Lost in her thoughts of the past, Liv realized she was
staring at Cam and glanced away, embarrassed that he’d caught her watching him.
She envied her daughter. Liv couldn’t remember the last time she was that
carefree and happy. What she wouldn’t give to be eight again and to have the
knowledge she had now. Who wouldn’t? Would she change anything, though? She
didn’t know. She loved Sara so much – having her was the one thing she wouldn’t
change for sure. Would she have let Cam walk out of her life back then? No way.

Liv started to feel her arms tingle and longed to feel
normal in her own body again.
At least act normal.
Liv told herself
over and over.
Do not let him think you’re crazy.
She took in a deep
breath and exhaled slowly as she stretched out her legs.
That’s better.
Just relax. Take a deep breath.
She felt something crawling on the back of
her neck and reached back to slap it away.

“Gotcha!” Cam waved a fox tail at her. Smiling, he dropped
into the chair next to hers.

He remembered, too.

“You’ve got yourself a great daughter there. She reminds me
of a miniature Livvy. She looks just like you did back then and she’s just as
chatty and smart as you were too.”

Liv blushed. “Come on! I was never that chatty.”

“Ha! You were always yammering on about something or other.”

“Was I? I don’t remember that.”

“I do. It was one of the things I liked about you. You’re
awfully quiet now, though. What’s up?”

“Nothing, really.” She couldn't bear to tell him what a
failure her life had been thus far. How her marriage had fallen apart and how
she was now letting her panic get the best of her.

“Come on. Tell me what’s bothering you. You used to tell me
everything. I’m still a good listener you know.”

“That was years ago! I barely know you now.”

“Yeah, you do. I haven’t changed that much since then.”

“Dinner’s ready!” Hannah called.

“Lucky you, saved by the dinner bell!” Cam joked. He easily
pulled Livvy to her feet. “Let’s go eat. You’ll spill it when you’re ready.”

He sure is confident in himself
, Liv thought as she
watched him walk to the back porch. That hasn’t changed either.

Hannah set a platter of burgers and dogs in the middle of
the picnic table. She assessed the spread before her to determine if they had
everything. Eying the steaming corn-on-the-cob, she realized she’d forgotten
the butter. She hurried back into the kitchen to get the “spray” butter for
Sara and a stick of butter for everyone else. As she was sifting through the
silverware drawer for a butter knife, she came across some corn skewers. She
remembered how much Liv and her sisters used to love using the miniature
corn-on-the-cob handles to eat their corn. They’d been so excited about trying
them out the day they’d talked her late-husband, Jack, into buying them at the
camp store. He indulged his grandchildren and enjoyed every minute. Hannah
shook herself out of the past and scooped up the corn skewers as well.

When she returned to the back porch, Sara, Liv and Cam were
already seated around the table. She did one last scan of the table.

“I think that’s everything. Can I get anyone anything else?”

“No, Gram. We’re fine. Sit down and eat,” Liv answered.

“Well, okay.” Hannah lifted her leg over the picnic table
bench and sat down. She laid a paper napkin in her lap. “Sara, would you please
say the grace for us tonight.”

“Sure Grandma,” Sara answered and bowed her head to recite
the familiar prayer, “Come Lord Jesus, be our guest. Let these gifts to us be
blessed. Amen.”

“Amen,” everyone repeated in unison.

Hannah stabbed a hamburger and passed the plate to Cam.

“Everything looks really good, Mrs. Adams. You really out
did yourself.” He scooped a big spoonful of her home-made German potato salad
onto his plate.

“Thanks, Cameron.” Hannah blushed and ran her fingers
through her hair.

“What are these thingies for?” Sara asked holding up two
plastic corn skewers.

“They’re for the ends of your corn,” Liv answered her
daughter. “See, you stick them in the ends of your corn-on–the-cob and use them
like handles so you don’t burn your fingers.” Liv demonstrated the technique.
Sara couldn’t get hers to go into the thick cob.

“Here, let me help you,” Hannah offered.

“Thanks Grandma!” Sara pushed her plate toward her
grandmother. “Ohhh cool! Spray butter! Can I have some?”

Cam passed the spray butter down to Sara and she proceeded
to drown her corn in butter.

“I think that’s enough butter now Sara!” Liv said.

“Just one more squirt Mom!” She sprayed her corn one last
time, picked up her corn by the handles and took a big bite. “Yummy!”

Liv looked down at her plate, but she wasn’t hungry. She
picked up her corn and made an attempt to eat.

“I remember the day Grandpa bought us these corn skewers at
the camp store.”

“Maddy spotted them and wouldn’t give up until he got them
for us. I remember how he grumbled that we’d probably only use them once and
then they’d sit in the bottom of the drawer.”

“To prove him wrong, Maddy always drug them out of the
drawer every time we had corn-on-the-cob. She’d never admit they were kind of
awkward to use,” Hannah added.

“I know! She probably burned her fingers more trying to get
the things into the end of the corn, than if she’d just picked the corn up with
her hands.” Liv laughed and started to relax a little.

“What’s Maddy up to these days?” Cam asked.

“Aunt Maddy’s at college,” Sara answered. “She’s going to be
a famous photographer someday. She’s always taking pictures!”

“That’s true, Sara. Maddy will graduate next summer. She
took some time off between high school and college to travel,” Liv answered.

“Wow, time sure does fly by! I remember when she was just a
preschooler. What about Mr. Adams?” The table grew quiet for a moment and Cam
realized his mistake immediately. He hadn’t seen any sign of Mr. Adams in the
cottage other than photographs. Hannah set her fork down and smoothed her
sleeveless plaid blouse before speaking.

“Jack passed away about three years ago,” Hannah replied,
the pain still raw in her voice. “He had a stroke in his sleep. I made his
favorite breakfast – pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon. I went back to the
bedroom to wake him. I thought it was unusual he hadn’t come to the kitchen
with the breakfast smells as he usually did. I tried to wake him up, but he
wouldn’t…” Hannah’s voice broke.

“It’s okay. I’m so sorry for your loss. I remember how much
you loved each other.”

Oblivious to the somber mood that had fallen over the table,
Sara abruptly changed the subject. “Cam, Grandma says you and my Mommy were
friends when you were my age. Is that true?”

“We sure were,” Cam answered her, grateful to change the
topic. “Your Mom and I were best friends. We only saw each other during the
summer, but during that time we did everything together. Swimming, hiking,
biking, canoeing…”

“What was my Mom like back then?”

“Oh, she was a lot like you Sara.”

“Really?” Sara seemed surprised and happy at the same time.

“Yup. She was a non-stop talker and full of questions. She
always had a story to tell. She wrote everything down in a spiral notebook that
she took everywhere she went.”

“Mom says I talk too much and that I drive her crazy with my
questions.”

“Nah. It’s good that you have something to say. You just
need to remember to be a good listener sometimes too.”

Sara bit into her extra-buttery sweet corn and nodded her
head in agreement.

Liv poked at the baked beans left on her plate and finally
pushed her plate away.

“Can I be done too?” Sara asked. Nothing got past her. Liv
looked over at her daughter’s plate. She’d eaten all of her potato chips, half
of her ear of corn and taken exactly one bite out of her hotdog.

“Take one more bite of your hotdog and finish your
corn-on-the-cob and then you can get down.”

“C’mon Mom, do I have to? I’m full and I don’t like my
hotdog. It’s burned. Besides you didn’t eat all your food.”

Liv sighed. “I know, but you are a growing girl and need to
eat well so you can get bigger.” Liv persisted not wanting to give into the
child.

“Listen to your mother, Sara. It’s just a couple more bites.
Besides, if you don’t, I won’t be able to make you a s’more later on,” Hannah
chimed in.

“You don’t want to miss the s’mores! They’re so yummy,” Cam
added.

“Just one bite of hot dog?”

“And the rest of your corn,” Liv added.

Sara took a teeny, tiny bite of her hot dog. “There, one
bite of hotdog,” she said as she set her fork down triumphantly.

Liv frowned at the size of Sara’s bite, but decided to let
it go. Sara then picked up her corn-on-the-cob by the handles. “Look, I’m a
beaver!” She gnawed on the corn cob as she made a goofy face.

Liv laughed. “You make a great beaver!”

“All done!” Indeed the corn cob did look like a beaver
chewed on it.

“Okay, you can get down. Take your dishes out to the
kitchen, please,” Liv instructed.

“Great meal, Mrs. Adams, everything was really good. Thanks
for inviting me to stay.” He stood and started gathering the remaining dishes.

“You don’t have to do that Cam. You’re my guest,” Hannah
insisted.

“I know, but I want to. You made dinner. Now it’s your turn
to relax.”

“Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind. I noticed we’re out of
graham crackers when I was grilling the burgers. I'll take Sara and run up to
the camp store to get some so we can make the s’mores I promised her.”

“Take your time.”

Liv and Cam were alone now. She could hear him loading the
plates and silverware in the dishwasher as she gathered the ketchup, mustard
and pickle jar. She started to shiver as wave after wave of cold and hot
flashed through her body.
Not now.
She set the items she was holding
back on the table.
This is not happening.
She wiped her clammy palms
on her wrinkled pants and ran her fingers through her hair. She felt like she
was suffocating as the room closed in on her. She just needed to get some air.
She turned to make a dash for the door, her hair falling over her eyes and ran
right into Cam.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Liv tried
to wedge past him out the screen door.

“Whoa. Wait. Hold up a second.” Cam noticed that the color
had left her face and she was breathing rapidly. “Slow down a little. Sit down
a sec. You don’t look...”

Liv cut him off, “No really, I’m okay. This happens all the
time. I just need to get some air, that’s all.”

“Okay, then let’s go sit down outside.” He led her to the
chairs they’d vacated earlier.

Liv’s skin crawled. She just wanted to escape.
Couldn’t
he just leave her alone in peace? Hadn’t she humiliated herself in front of him
enough for one day?
She hunched over in her chair, fidgeting. She couldn’t
sit still and started to rise.

Cam came around behind her and started to massage her
shoulders to release the tension. His fingers pressed down and worked the knots
at the back of her neck.

“I can’t do this. I just can’t fight it anymore...” she said
her voice a whisper. Defeated, she shrank down in her chair away from his
hands. She didn’t have the strength left to fight the anxiety that strangled
her.

“Yes, you can.” Moving around to the front of her chair, Cam
knelt down in front of her and took her hands in his. “Okay, look at me.” Liv
raised her head and met his eyes, tears spilling over the edges. “Yes, you
can,” he repeated.

She shook her head “no.” Waves of unending panic washed over
her, sending her to the brink.

He wiped away her tears and whispered, “It'll be okay. Take
a deep breath...” His voice grew soft and soothing. “You can get through this.
I’ll help you.”

“Okay,” Liv nodded and she believed him. She didn’t know
why, but she did. Somehow, he made her believe she could be whole again.

“Close your eyes Liv. Close your eyes and keep them closed.
Not tight, just gently shut. Focus on your breathing. Take a deep breath in
from the bottom of your diaphragm. Blow your stomach up like a big balloon.
Hold it, while I count to three.”

Liv took a deep, cool breath in. She could smell his earthy
scent as he spoke in a calming voice. “One, two, three. Okay, now let it out.
Exhale through your mouth. Let’s do that a couple more times. Deep breath in.
One, two, three. Let it out, slowly. Let your mind go blank. Feel the tension
in your forehead and let it go. Relax and feel the contrast.” Cam expertly led
her through the deep-relaxation technique. Liv’s heart rate slowed and she
began to come back down.

“I’m going to count backward from ten to one. When I get to
one, open your eyes and look at me. You’ll feel calm and relaxed. Ten, nine,
eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...open your eyes.” Liv’s eyes
slowly fluttered open and focused on the incredible man searching her face. Cam
smiled at her. “How do you feel?”

“Better. Actually, I do feel much better. Thank you.”

“How long have you been having panic attacks?”

“What? How did you know?”

“My mom used to have them all the time. I always felt so
helpless when she’d go through one. When I was in med school, I did a rotation
in psych. I picked up some coping techniques from the psychiatrist I shadowed.
This one always helps my mom.”

Liv was stunned. “Med school? Really? Weren’t you the one
that was always pulling the legs off bugs?”

Cam laughed. “Yep, that was me. When I was in junior high, I
realized my mom struggled from anxiety and panic disorder. My dad couldn’t
relate to her during her ‘episodes.’ I knew then I wanted to find a way to help
her. I thought about going into psychiatry, but in the end settled on family
practice.”

“I don’t know what to say, except I’m glad you did. Thanks
again. I feel almost normal again, at least for now.” She was quiet for a
moment as she reflected on what just took place. “Actually, I can’t remember a
time when I didn’t have panic attacks. They come and they go. Recently, they’ve
been coming more than going. The only trouble is I can’t figure out what’s
triggering them this time.” She continued talking as Cam quietly listened
without interrupting. “There really isn’t anything for me to be stressed about
now. It’d been over a year since I’d had one and then a week or so ago they
started again. I’ve been having them two or three times a day ever since. I
just don’t get it. Why now? I should be happy. I have a great job, a beautiful
daughter, I’m on vacation…” She trailed off. “Do you think I’m going crazy?”

Cam studied her face a minute and realized her question was
serious. “No, not at all…Why would I?”

“I...don’t know. No reason, I guess. Sometimes I think I’m
going crazy. I just assumed you...” Liv fumbled for the right words.

“Don’t assume. It’ll get you into trouble every time.”

Liv smiled, fighting back tears. “I keep praying they’ll go
away, but…they keep coming.”

“You’re a strong woman, Liv. You’ll get through this episode
and be even stronger in the end.”

“I know you’re right. Sometimes I just need a reminder.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep reminding you! You’re going to have
a great vacation. If I can help it, you won’t even have time to think about
panicking.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me. Let’s get started.”

“That’s the girl I remember. Let’s get the camp fire going
before Sara and your grandma get back.”

Liv crumpled up some old newspapers and placed them in the
fire pit. The ground was still wet from the rain, but the small twigs and birch
bark that Cam had sent Sara off to gather from the back yard earlier quickly
caught fire. Cam slowly added larger pieces of wood. Soon they had a nice
campfire going. Cam used a small hatchet to whittle the ends of two long sticks
to ready for roasting marshmallows.