Take a Deep Breath (Lake of the Pines) (6 page)

He lay back under the free weights and began to do three
sets of ten. He’d get her out of his mind one way or the other. Thirty minutes
later he’d completed the circuit. His muscles ached, but Liv’s image was still
firmly planted in his mind. His phone beeped, startling him out of the moment.
He glanced at the screen. It was a text message back from Liv. It simply read,
“Me too.”

Cam smiled as he set the phone aside, and then frowned. He
knew a text message from her shouldn’t make him feel so happy inside, but it
did. He went to brush his teeth. At the last minute he decided to shave as
well. In the back of his mind he hoped he’d run into Liv, even though he knew
he should avoid her for both their sakes. He applied a little extra deodorant
and headed into the kitchen to grab his water pack. It was 6:55 when he headed
out the door for his morning run.

He jogged towards the woods and the Big Loop trail. He
didn’t want to risk running into her at the beach again. He needed space to
think. He needed to get himself together again; to remind himself that she was
his friend. And, after finding her again, he didn’t want to lose the one thing
he still had with her.

The weather was a little cooler than it had been, but by no
means uncomfortable. In fact the cool air felt good as Cam ran along the side
of the main road until he came upon the brown trail marker. He veered off the
road onto the dirt path. The park did a good job of keeping it clear of roots
and other fallen debris. He followed the path around the right through the pine
trees. He took in the pine scent and exhaled. He kept his pace slower so he
could enjoy being in such a beautiful place while he ran. He wasn’t training
for a marathon or anything, so he didn’t need to push himself every day. The
path started to make an incline up as it wound around the lake and the
surrounding hillside. His heart-rate increased as the path grew steeper. He
slowed down when he heard voices around the bend. At the top of the loop – the
half-way point – there was a scenic overlook of the lake. That was where Liv
had ripped out his heart all those years ago…

The summer was drawing to an end and he still hadn’t found
the courage to reveal his feelings to her. The moment never seemed right and
the fear of her not feeling the same was too great. He’d taken a walk to clear
his head. He just needed some time alone with her away from everyone’s prying
eyes. He found himself on the Big Loop trail – the place they’d met. He was
almost to the lookout when he thought he’d heard someone weeping. He picked up
his pace and jogged the rest of the way up the incline and around the last
bend. He could see a familiar-looking woman sitting on the bench hugging her
knees to her chest. Her long hair covered her face, but he immediately knew it
was Liv. His heart rate quickened.
Perfect
, he thought.
Thank you,
God.
Just then she turned to look at him; tears glistened in her eyes, but
she gave him a weak smile. She stood and walked toward him and leaned against
one of the large boulders that lined that part of the trail.

“Hey, girl. What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“No you aren’t. I know better than that. What happened?” Cam
took his thumb and wiped a tear from her cheek. She looked so beautiful and so
vulnerable.

“It’s just that summer is almost over. And, and I haven’t…”
She fumbled for words and glanced down.

Cam lifted her chin up and met her eyes. “Shh, it’s okay,
I…”

The air between them stood still. He looked down at her soft
mouth. He placed a hand against the boulder above her. He caught her eyes again
to be sure.
Yes
, he thought.
She wants me to kiss her.
He
lowered his head and leaned into her. She tilted her mouth up toward him. Their
lips were only centimeters from each other.

A loud burst of laughter interrupted the moment and he
jerked back.

“Hey there Cam-er-on!” called his brother, his girlfriend,
Leah, in tow behind him. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to interrupt you two love
birds!” Brad then started making kissing sounds at them.

Damn. Leave it to Brad to ruin the moment; my one
chance.
He scowled at Brad and clenched his fist. He wanted to trounce
Brad and beat the crap out of him. Of course that wouldn’t help the situation
and most likely he’d be the one to get his ass kicked as Brad outweighed him by
a good twenty pounds.

“Funny, Brad,” Liv spoke up. “You know Cam and are just
friends.” Her voice sounded unreal to him as a stabbing pain arrowed through
him. He studied her face in confusion.
Did she say they were ‘just’
friends? She wanted me to kiss her, didn’t she? Maybe he’d been wrong, but it
felt so right.

He turned back toward his brother. “Yeah, Brad, we’re just
friends,” he emphasized, trying to keep his pride intact. This must be her way
of subtly telling him that she didn’t have the same feelings for him. He felt
stupid now and angry.

“Whatever you say,” Brad called over his shoulder as he
disappeared around the bend with Leah.

An awkward silence fell between them. They walked back to
the main road together without talking. He watched her out of the corner of his
eye.
Should he say something? Pretend the moment by the boulders hadn’t
happened? Maybe he should wait for her to say something first.

Finally, Liv spoke. “I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, you bet.”

Liv winced at the gruffness of his voice. He hadn’t meant to
take his anger out on her. It wasn’t her fault if she wasn’t in love with him.
The fact that he loved her was his problem. And at that moment, it was too
painful to be with her. Later that week he’d gone to her cottage to see her,
but she’d already gone home with her parents. After that he’d been too
embarrassed to contact her. That was one of his biggest regrets.

Cam shrugged off the memories of the past as he jogged the
last few feet up the incline to the lookout area. A sudden feeling of déjà vu
came over him as he rounded the corner and saw Liv, the woman, sitting on the
bench. She looked so peaceful, her face uplifted to the glimmer of sun that’d
just peeked out from under the clouds. Simply looking at her made him feel
things he knew he didn’t have a right to.
Damn
, he thought,
so
much for avoiding her. She’s married to another man. Be careful.
His mind
a tangle of thoughts and feelings, he almost turned back before she saw him.
Too
late.
Upon hearing his footsteps, she turned toward him and met his eyes.
What
the hell,
he thought, throwing caution aside. He slowed to a stop and gave
her a slow, sexy smile.

For the first time in months, Liv fell asleep as soon as her
head hit the pillow. The restless tossing and turning she’d struggled with
night after night suddenly disappeared as quickly as it came and she slept
soundly through the night. Sunlight flooded in through her eastern-facing
window and spilled over her. Liv rolled over and sighed. The clock on the
dresser read 6:09 AM. Smiling, her first thoughts were of Cam. Seeing him the
night before brought all the old feelings she had for him rushing back. He
really hadn’t changed much. Sure he’d gotten older, but so had she. Age only
made him more attractive. His sense of humor, his kindness and compassion for
others, his ability to look at her and know what she was thinking, none of the
traits that she loved about him then, had changed. She knew she could easily
fall in love with him all over again. She was half in love with him again now.
She could tell he was attracted to her, yet he resisted.
I know he wanted
to kiss me last night. I didn’t just imagine it, did I? He must be involved
with someone,
she thought.

Unable to sleep any longer, she quietly got up and pulled on
a pair of blue jogging shorts and an orange tank top. She pulled her long,
brown hair into a loose knot on the top of her head. She looked in the mirror
as she brushed her teeth. Frowning, she barely recognized the woman looking
back at her.
Who am I?
Liv wondered how she’d gotten to this point in
her life. Somehow in the almost eight years she was married to Ron she’d lost
the sense of who she was.
Ron.
Why did he always have to creep back
into her mind, making her feel so small and worthless?
Stop. You’re not
going to do this to yourself today. Take a deep breath.
She closed her
eyes and exhaled slowly.
That’s it. No self-pity. Concentrate on what you
can control, not what you can’t.
She rounded the corner of the living room
and stood in front of her favorite window. The lake below was perfectly flat.
It was still too early for the skiers and tubers.

She found her purse on the table where she’d left it the
night before. She checked her phone to see if she had any messages. She had one
text message. Her heart jumped. It was from Cam, letting her know he’d had a
good time the night before. “Me too,” she touch-typed and pressed send. Then
silently hoped he’d call her later. If he didn’t, maybe she would call him.
Gone were the days she was going to sit back and wait.
The new Liv is going
to take charge of her life,
she thought. Courage and determination would
be her new mantra.

Quiet whimpering from the kitchen grew louder and more
persistent, causing her to turn away from her thoughts. Pup-Pup was awake. Liv
opened her mouth to call to her daughter, but decided against it. Sara needed
to sleep and Liv needed some solitude to think. She sat on the wooden chair by
the door as she pulled on her socks and laced up her hiking boots. She scrawled
a note to her grandmother letting her know that she was taking the puppy for a
hike. She propped it on the table so Hannah would see it when she woke up.

She grabbed a bottle of cold water from the fridge. Twisting
off the top, she took a deep, refreshing drink. It tasted so good. She looked
around the kitchen for a piece of fruit. She found a bowl of red and green
apples on the side-bar. Grandma never failed her. She took a bite from one as
she searched for Pup-Pup’s leash. Humming to herself, she couldn’t believe that
she was actually hungry in the morning. Normally her stomach wouldn’t let her
eat until well after noon.

A few minutes later she found the puppy’s leash draped over
the railing of the back porch. She snapped it onto the dog’s matching pink
collar and headed out the door toward the main road and the path that looped
around the backside of the lake to the scenic lookout. She and Cam had walked
the trail hundreds of times before. In fact, up until a few days ago, the last
time she’d spoken to him was at the top of the Big Loop trail. A few feet ahead
she saw the familiar brown sign with the bright yellow lettering indicating an
entrance to the trail.

“There it is,” she said to Pup-Pup. The small bundle of
energy trotted alongside her, stopping every couple of minutes to water the
grass. “Come on! Let’s go.”

The path was steeper than she remembered it. She stumbled
over a rock that’d fallen in the path and twisted her ankle again. Thankfully,
she didn’t fall, but her ankle throbbed. She bit back tears as she sat in the
middle of the path and started to unlace her boot. Pup-Pup immediately jumped
into Liv’s lap and started licking her face. Liv laughed and pushed the eager
puppy down.

“Stop,” she laughed and pushed Pup-Pup off again. The puppy
circled Liv, tangling herself up in the leash before she made it back into
Liv’s lap. “Okay, I get it. You want some love.” Liv scratched the puppy behind
the ears. After a few minutes, she re-tied her boot and slowly stood. The
initial pain had subsided. Liv brushed the sand and leaves off the back of her
shorts and took a few tentative steps. Her ankle was a little sore, but at
least it wasn’t sprained. She could walk on it. Pup-Pup sat patiently by,
wagging her tail every few minutes and looking up at Liv expectantly. She was
ready to continue up the trail. “Okay, girl, I’m ready now. Let’s go.” Pup-Pup
barked and trotted ahead of Liv, pulling at her leash.

By the time they reached the half-way mark of the 10k trail,
Liv was glistening with perspiration. She wiped the sweat from her eyes with
the back of her hand. She took a long swig of water and offered some to Pup-Pup,
who eagerly lapped the falling water. She screwed the top back on and replaced
it in the purple neoprene bottle holder she wore across her body. An old wooden
bench sat off to the side of the path overlooking the lake. She looped the
leash around a nearby sapling and sat down. The puppy turned around three
times, stretched herself out and rested her head on her front paws. Liv smiled
at the little pup’s ritual and laughed out loud.

“You’re tired too, aren’t ya girl?”

The puppy picked her head up and cocked it toward Liv as if
to say, “Duh! Of course I’m tired. We’ve been walking all day.”

“It must seem like all day to you, huh. Your little legs
have to take five steps to my one. Don’t worry, if you get too tired, I’ll
carry you home.” Liv wasn’t too worried that she’d have to carry the little dog
back. She also had about five times the amount of energy Liv did. Looking
around her, Liv sat back onto the bench, closed her eyes and let her mind go
blank. She lifted her face upward to feel the warm sunlight against her skin.
She listened to the birds singing and the wind blowing through the old growth
white pines. She took in a deep breath and noticed the smell of fresh pine. It
was so relaxing. She wished she could stay in that moment of peaceful calmness
forever. Behind her she heard a twig snap. Immediately her adrenaline began to
pump. She wasn’t alone. Liv quickly turned her head to look and, loping up the
trail, was Cam.

The last time she’d seen him coming up that very trail
towards her was the summer before her senior year of high school. She was
seventeen and so naive. She’d crossed the days off her calendar as she counted
down until the day she’d return to Lake of the Pines and to Cam. She was
determined to tell him how she felt about him; that she was in love with him,
only she hadn’t found the right time. The summer was winding down and
self-doubt continued to plague her. Every time she tried to tell him, they were
interrupted or she lost her confidence. She’d be going back home in a few days
and her fear of rejection and losing his friendship completely was winning out.
She didn’t know when she would be back to Lake of the Pines again. She knew she
might not see him again for a long time.

She sat on the bench at the top of the Big Loop trail and
fought back her tears.
Just do it.
She told herself.
What do you
have to lose?
She stood to head back, to find him, when she heard
footsteps coming up the path toward her. It was Cam. He smiled and waved at
her. She walked toward him, forcing herself to smile. She didn’t want him to
see her crying.

“Hey, you, have you been crying?”

“No.” She lied, looking down toward her feet. She leaned
against one of the large boulders that lined the side of the trail. Her tongue
was thick and she didn’t know what to say.

“Liar, tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on. It’s something. I know you.” He lifted her chin
and searched her eyes for an answer. “Is it something I did?” He asked concern
filling his voice.

“No, no. It’s just, just that, I’m going home soon, and,
and…” She stammered. He leaned in toward her as if he might kiss her.
No,
that can’t be right,
she thought.
He just feels sorry for me.
She
glanced away and then back to him. He was still looking at her mouth and had
placed one hand on the boulder above her head. Hope started to rise inside her
as he leaned in toward her. She tilted her mouth upward slightly.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. Their mouths inches apart. “I…”

At that moment, they both heard laughter coming up the path.
It was Cam’s older brother, Brad, and his girlfriend, Leah. Cam immediately
backed away from her and faced his brother with the same scowl Liv remembered
from the first time they met.

“Oops! Sorry!” Brad teased. “We didn’t mean to intrude on
you two love birds.” He made a kissing sound in the air.

“Stop it Brad. Knock it off,” Cam barked. He balled his hand
into a fist and looked ready to take his brother down.

Liv could feel herself turning red. Cam didn’t want to be
more than friends. He was embarrassed that his brother thought they were more.
She suddenly found her voice to let him off the hook.

“Come on Brad. You know that Cam and I are
just friends
,”
she emphasized the “just friends” part.

Cam looked back at her.
Was that confusion mixed with
hurt in his eyes? No.
She dismissed the thought as quickly as it entered
her mind.

“Yeah Brad, we are definitely
just friends.
” Cam
concurred, but he seemed upset.

“Okay, okay. Whatever you two say,” Brad said as he and Leah
disappeared around the bend in the trail.

The moment broken, Liv and Cam silently headed back. He
seemed distant and somehow angry with her, but she didn’t know why or what
she’d done wrong. A few days later, Liv went home. The following summer she
started college, and not much longer after that she’d met Ron.

“Hey, you,” Cam said interrupting her thoughts. He stopped
by the big boulder and smiled at her.

God, he looked good.
Liv watched his muscles ripple
through the black running shirt he was wearing as he lifted his water bottle to
his lips to take a drink. Suddenly self-conscious, she stood and went to untie
Pup-Pup.

“Wait, don’t go yet.” Cam stopped her. “Sit down and relax.
Enjoy the morning.”

Liv sat back down on the bench and Cam sat next to her. He
remembered his brother asking him if she wore a wedding ring. He glanced at her
hands and noticed her fingers were bare.
It doesn’t mean anything,
he
thought.
She probably left her rings on the dresser when she was getting
ready to go out.

Liv realized she hadn’t spoken to Cam yet. “I’m sorry, Cam.
I’m kind of out of it this morning.” Seeing him, her doubts had managed to edge
out her earlier courage and determination.
What was she doing? She
shouldn’t even be thinking about getting involved with Cam. Her life was a
mess. Not to mention, a man as attractive and intelligent as he was had to be
attached.

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Funny, Cam.” Laughter caught in her throat.

“Is the anxiety back? I really am a good listener if you
want to talk.”

“I know you are. It’s just that my life is so confused right
now.”

“Everyone gets confused now and then. I know you’ll figure
out what you need in the end. You’re a smart woman.”

“Yeah, it’s just sometimes I wish there were do-overs in
life. The decisions I’ve made haven’t been the greatest. And now with the panic
back, I wonder… I just wish I could be more like you.”

“Why?”

“Why? You’re so confident and sure of yourself. You’re a
successful doctor and…”

“Things aren’t always as they seem. I don’t always feel
confident or sure, and who said I’m successful?”

“How could you be anything but successful Cam?”

“It’s not a competition, Livvy. You have a beautiful,
intelligent daughter who adores you. You have a family who loves you; that’s
the ultimate success. Besides, you also have a great friend like me.” He
continued trying to make her smile.

Friend. There’s that word again.
“You’re right. I
really don’t have anything to complain about.”

“I don’t want to be right. Everyone has a right to complain
now and then. I just don’t want you to be down on yourself. So what’s got you
confused? Maybe I can help.”

She didn’t say anything. Cam waited in silence and let her
be with her own thoughts.

“It’s just that ever since the divorce…”

“Divorce?” A slow smile curved upward into Cam’s eyes.
She
wasn’t married.

“Don’t sound so happy about it!”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to. So is that it? You’re still in
love with your ex-husband?”

“God, no! Even though the divorce has only been final for
six months, it’s been over between us for years...At least for me it was.”

“I’m sorry about that too, Liv. That must’ve been hard for
you.”

“It was. We never should’ve gotten married, but I was
pregnant with Sara and Ron insisted we get married right away. He thought it
was important that Sara grow up with both parents. I’d already started to
question my feelings about him, but I brushed them aside. I so wanted to do
what was best for the baby.”