Talk Sexy to the One You Love (14 page)

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asking your partner to perform various loving, sensual, and erotic behaviors, telling him or her everything you want him or her to do. The active partner can also do whatever she or he wants to do, as long as she or he lets the passive partner know in advance and the passive partner agrees.

When you are the passive partner, your job is to simply do whatever your partner asks (You’ll notice a slight modification in Exercise 38), providing it is not something that you find unpleasant. The passive partner
always
has the option of saying “I don’t want to do that right now.” You do not need to explain or justify this decision. If you want to discuss it after the exercise is over, that’s fine, but during the exercise the active partner must accept your decision, and move on to another request.

I don’t know what else to say but, “Let the games begin.”

Exercise 37: Come and Get It

(40-60 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise begins the moment you and your partner enter the bedroom (or whatever room you choose for the exercise). For the first twenty to thirty minutes, you will play the active role and your partner will play the passive role.

As the active partner, you will start by making your first request. You can ask for anything you can think of, but you need to be very specific. For example, you might start by saying: “Please light some candles” or

“Please take off everything but your underwear” or

“Please take off my shoes and

Do It! / 143

massage my feet.” Nothing can happen until you ask for it. Your partner can refuse your request, but all of the choices are yours.

It helps a great deal to stop and think for a moment before you make any request. Think about what it is you want at this very moment. Do you want him to take care of you in some fashion, or do you want to do something for him? Do you just need to be held for a while or are you ready to jump in to something down and dirty? Think about
your
needs. Don’t try and guess what he might want—he’ll get his chance soon enough. If you don’t know
what
to ask for, go back and review your answers in Chapter 5, Exercise 3.

If your partner accepts your request, but he is not doing exactly what you want, give him gentle, but straightforward directions until he gets it right. If it’s something about the way he’s touching you or
not
touching you, for example, guide his hands or demon-strate with your own hands.

After twenty or thirty minutes, switch roles. Remember that as the passive partner you can refuse any request your partner makes, and you are under no obligation to give an explanation during the exercise. If you both want to talk about your decision later, that’s fine, but right now he needs to move on and make another request.

The next exercise is similar to Exercise 37, but it has a few interesting twists that heighten erotic tension while giving you additional opportunities to practice your new communication skills.

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Exercise 38: Say Please
…

(40-60 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise, like Exercise 37, begins the moment you and your partner enter the bedroom (or whatever room you choose for the exercise). For the first twenty or thirty minutes, you will play the active role and your partner will play the passive role.

As the active partner, you will start by making your first request. As in Exercise 37, you can ask your partner (who is first playing the passive role) for any loving, sensual, or erotic act you can think of. Remember to be as specific as possible.

The passive partner always has the right to refuse any request, without explanation. But this time there’s more. In this exercise, the passive partner also has the right to respond verbally with provocative statements such as: “Ask me again,” “I didn’t hear you,” “Say it louder,” “Say please,” “Beg me.” This erotic taunting must always be done in a way that is playful and loving; it must never be done in a way that is demeaning or full of ridicule. In addition, the passive partner can only play with the active partner’s request if he or she has every intention of ultimately responding to that request. If the request is unacceptable, it should always be dismissed immediately.

After twenty or thirty minutes, switch roles. (Though, if your partner has played his first role well, you might be rather confused right now about who’s active, who’s passive, and who’s really in control.) Do It! / 145

Remember all of those sexy things you said you wish you could tell your partner? Well, the time has come.

In the next and final exercise in this chapter, we’re going to incorporate the stream of consciousness feedback technique you learned in Exercises 12 and 33 with the active/passive role playing you just practiced in Exercises 37 and 38. The combination, as you will soon see, is lethal. In my opinion, it’s also the sexiest exercise in this book. I’ve forgotten my own name doing this exercise!

Exercise 39: Talk Dirty!

(40-60 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise begins just like Exercise 37. But this time, once you have made a request of your partner and he starts to comply, it is your job to fill his ears with as much sexy feedback as possible. You want to do this in a stream of consciousness fashion, trying very hard not to censor yourself. Your goal is to give him a blow-by-blow description in the sexiest possible way, of how everything he is doing is making you feel.

You can do this with dialogue, sounds, or a combination of the two. Just let it out. And don’t stop!

After twenty to thirty minutes, switch roles and give your partner a chance to talk really sexy to
you
.

For a variation on this, try incorporating the playful taunting technique you learned in Exercise 38. If you are playing the active role, let your

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partner know how this taunting is making you feel (For example: “You’re making me crazy…I have to have you inside of me now!”); then let him know what it feels like when you finally get what you’re begging for.

Don’t forget to switch roles after twenty or thirty minutes.

Exercise 39 is, in many ways, a milestone. If you were going to school to learn how to talk sexy to the one you love, this exercise could easily have been your final exam. By bringing together so many new skills and ideas and putting them into practice, you have boldly gone where many wish they could go, but few actually dare. Just think—only fourteen chapters ago you were a wallflower, probably wondering if you’d ever be able to say a single sexy syllable. Today, however, you are a master linguist.

But don’t pop the champagne cork and toss your cap yet. I think you’ve got what it takes to graduate from this course of study with honors. And that’s what the next two chapters are all about.

C H A P T E R 1 5

Sound and Fury

Y
OU’VE done a lot of talking. I think it’s time to learn when not to talk. Let’s face it, at certain moments during lovemaking, words
can
get in the way. And sometimes there just are no words to describe the kind of exquisite excitement you are feeling at that moment. Don’t let that discourage you though. After all, there are sounds—wonderful sounds—sounds that add a whole new dimension to lovemaking.

Sounds are a powerful erotic tool that can heighten pleasure, magnify feelings, and even intensify orgasm.

At the beginning of this book, in Exercise 8, you got your first taste of this kind of magic. I think that now you’re ready for a heaping helping.

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The Sounds Of Pure Pleasure

Do you know what happens to your body when you have an orgasm? Perhaps I should rephrase that question. I’m sure you know what an orgasm
feels
like, but do you know what is actually happening, physiologically, to your body, as you approach, and ultimately reach orgasm?

Besides making you feel like a million bucks, the orgasm process has your body doing all kinds of things: Your heart is beating faster, blood pressure is increas-ing, breathing is both faster and heavier, muscles are contracting. It’s a real scene, but in a nutshell, your body is trying to release energy.

Releasing sound is also releasing energy; that’s one of the reasons why all of the talking you’ve been doing so far has felt so darn good. Fact is, I firmly believe that making noise does more than just enhance orgasm; I believe that making noise is actually
necessary
to have a full orgasm. I don’t care if it’s grunts, cries, shouts, words, sentences, or full paragraphs…if you’re not making noise, you are preventing your body from releasing energy and holding back the power of your own orgasm. It’s almost criminal.

In the next four exercises, we’re going to focus all of our attention on making amends for our energy mismanagement, and learn how to make the “Big O”

bigger and better than ever.

Exercise 40: Noise Machine

(15 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

In this warm-up exercise, you and your partner are going to help each other make a wide

Sound and Fury / 149

variety of noises that express human emotion. There is no physical contact of any kind in this exercise, and both of you should remain fully clothed.

Start by practicing loud, deep breathing together.

Breathe faster and even louder. Now grunt together.

Then moan together. Groan. Cry. Giggle. Purr. Laugh.

Growl. Shriek. Howl. Bay at the moon (werewolves are half-human, aren’t they?).

You want to get totally connected to each emotion, the way a good actor would. Focus intently and really let yourself go. The louder the better. Remember that the couple that bays together stays together.

Now rest your throat for a few minutes before proceeding to the next exercise.

Exercise 41: When Harry Met Sally

(20 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This is a play-acting exercise with you and your partner taking turns. Let’s start with you. The role you are auditioning for is that of a highly orgasmic woman in the throes of orgasm. What would she sound like?

What would she look like? Dig deep into your theat-rical soul and imitate this woman as convincingly as possible. Your goal is to bring the house down. If you need a role model, think about Meg Ryan’s famous restaurant scene in the film
When Harry Met Sally
.

Now it’s your partner’s turn. The role he is auditioning for is that of a man who is in the 150 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

throes of the orgasm of a lifetime. What would that man look like? How would he be breathing? What would he be saying? What noises would he be making? How would his body be moving?

When you have both auditioned, try switching roles.

What does your partner think a highly orgasmic woman would look and sound like during orgasm? What do you think that man would sound and look like?

Give it a try. This role reversal may seem like it’s just for laughs, but it’s really intended to help you learn a few new things about the opposite sex, and feel the differences in male and female orgasm.

Exercise 42: Desire

(40 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

Lie comfortably in bed and let yourself relax. When you are ready, ask your partner to begin a body caress (the way he learned in Exercise 33).

This time the goal of your partner’s caress is to bring you to orgasm. As he is performing this caress, you want to give him as much guidance as he requires, using sexy language wherever possible.

Your goal in this exercise is to amplify the experience of orgasm using any combination of noises. As you feel yourself approaching orgasm, focus intently on all of the pleasurable sensations in your body. Now try to express those sensations with noise: breathe harder, moan louder, groan louder, squeak, squeal, cry out, shout—whatever

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feels good. But don’t hold anything in. Keep in mind the role model you created in Exercise 40.

After you have had your orgasm be sure to release as much postorgasmic noise as possible (purring, heavy breathing, weeping). Then switch roles and give your partner a chance to sound off.

The Quest For Fire

Why do we have sex? Because we can, so the joke goes. If you stop and think about it, which few people ever do, there are
so
many reasons to have sex: to procreate, to express love, to express passion, to avoid housecleaning—the list is endless. But one of the most important reasons we have sex
so much
is because it is a basic instinct.

As human beings, we sometimes struggle to view ourselves as part of the animal kingdom. The final exercise in this chapter is something fun we’ve been doing for years at the clinic where I practice. It may seem a little silly at first, but it really helps people get back in touch with their ability to enjoy sex as a basic animal activity.

Exercise 43: Wild Thing

(30-40 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This is also a play-acting exercise where partners take turns in the active and passive roles.

In this exercise, it is the active partner’s job to “act like an animal” while caressing the passive partner.

Acting like an animal means just that—you want to grunt, groan, bark, yip, growl, squeal, roar, kiss, lick, suck, nibble (gently), chew

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(gently), and bite (very gently). You can jump up and down, run around the room, swing from the chandeliers, or hide in the plants. The only thing you
don’t
want to do is talk. For this exercise, you may prefer to let your partner take the active role first. Then, after fifteen or twenty minutes, be sure to switch roles and give yourself a chance to connect with the animal inside of you. (When you’re both done, the two of you may want to groom each other for a while.)