The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (39 page)

Is it any greater sin to have a vasectomy than to use gel contraceptives?

Probably not, since both accomplish the same end. But a vasectomy in most instances is irreversible, so one must be absolutely certain he does not want additional children before submitting to such surgery. We do not recommend vasectomies for men under thirty-five or forty years old.

Communication

How can I learn to talk better to my husband about these things?

Sex is the world’s most exciting subject, yet most people find it embarrassing to discuss. That is particularly true of married partners unless they begin immediately—on their honeymoon or shortly after. Usually the longer you wait, the harder it is. Assuming that this question was asked by someone married quite some time, we suggest taking the following steps:

1. Pray for God’s leading and direction.

2. Set a good time for your partner when you are not rushed and will not be interrupted.

3. Assure him or her of your basic love, then kindly state your true feelings—that you think something is missing in your love life and you would like to talk about it.

4. The giant step in working things out is for both partners to admit to a problem. In all likelihood, if you find sex difficult to discuss, you probably find it difficult to communicate about many things.

5. Try to get your partner to read this book and hopefully to discuss it with you.

6. Anticipate a solution—don’t present an overly bleak picture; you
can
overcome this problem with God’s help (Phil. 4:13).

7. If difficulties persist, make an appointment to consult your minister together.

How can I communicate what I like, as a wife, so that my husband understands?

Talk frankly to him. If you are unsatisfied, say so. Most women find it difficult to converse with their husbands about sex, which merely protracts their frustration.

My husband had only “street” sex information and retains that attitude toward sex. This bothers me. What can I do? When I ask about my husband’s long time (four to six weeks) without sex, he merely says he’s been too busy. Is this normal?

Hopefully this book will help him. Once every four to six weeks is certainly less than the average recorded in our survey. Sex organs need to be used regularly to function at their best. Talk to him frankly; if nothing happens, he should get a checkup from a doctor.

How do you make men understand that women’s passions rise and fall according to the cares and problems of the day and that their tiredness and lack of passion are in no way a rejection of their husbands?

By telling them so—gently—seasoned with love. Make sure you don’t use “tiredness” as a cop-out. Do you take a nap before your husband comes home? If you are too tired to make love a majority of the times he desires it, you
are
too tired. You may need a medical checkup, vitamins, exercise, more rest, or a curtailment of some of your activities.

To what extent should a couple talk about previous relationships (some perverted)?

Almost none. The Bible teaches us to forget “what is behind” (Phil 3:13) and think of those things that are pure (Phil. 4:8). Force your mind to think only of the good things of life, particularly those things that relate to love with your partner.

Counseling

Are the new sex clinics right for Christians?

That is too broad and general a question for a precise response. A Christian should always keep in mind when seeking any kind of counseling that non-Christians, no matter how capably trained, reflect different value systems from ours. That is what the psalm of the happy man means by saying, “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked” (Ps. 1:1). What becomes acceptable behavior to Masters and Johnson or David Reuben may prove contrary to the Scriptures. Therefore all counseling should be weighed in the light of the spiritual values of the counselor. This is not to say that his or her instruction for severe cases of a woman’s lack of desire for sex, or male impotence, is not beneficial. The more you know about any problem, the better equipped you are to cope with it. Personally, we feel that a Christian couple would be better advised to obtain Dr. Wheat’s set of cassettes and spend two or three weekend vacations practicing his suggestions than to get involved with some expensive form of therapy, particularly if it admittedly lacks moral values.

Sexual dysfunction clinics are in vogue now. Some clinics are staffed by competently trained personnel, but that is certainly not the case generally. We know of two former welfare recipients who maintained a nightmarish sex life, have now started their own such clinic, and are getting rich at it. Some of the advertising circulars I receive indicate that many services offer little more than a new method of sexual mating for a fee. Some of these sensitivity-group-therapy sex-dysfunction sessions reportedly end up as orgies. Obviously anyone should be advised to avoid groups of that sort, and you should investigate your state’s standards for certifying such clinics and the qualifications of any counselor you seek help from.

Where can a Christian wife go for help when there is a sex problem in her marriage?

Your minister is the proper person with whom to start. Many pastors today are experienced counselors, and you can be certain that your pastor will keep your confidence. If he is unable to help you, he will probably be able to suggest another counselor.

Dating

I believe that young people need specific Christian principles to guide their sex lives before marriage. Could you please give the most important of these and tell why they are important?

Sex education coupled with moral principles should be taught discreetly by churches, but that issue is not within the scope of this book. We regularly share the following principles with our young people.

1. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit; it should be kept holy for Him. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit…? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God with your body” (1 Cor. 6:19–20).

2. Keep your body for your life’s partner. “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:15–18).

3. Date only Christians, for dating is the prelude to marriage. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14).

4. Always conduct yourself as if Christ were present. “Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31).

What about oral sex before marriage? It isn’t really intercourse, is it?

Perhaps not, but it’s much too intimate for unmarried people. Until they are pronounced husband and wife, they have no business handling each other’s genitalia. Many a married woman suffers today from guilt feelings and shame caused by indulging in such practices before meeting her husband. “Love is blind,” they say—blind to the fact that it does not always result in marriage. We know of cases in which couples had to leave their home churches after marriage because the wife couldn’t face the man she was previously so intimate with before breaking their engagement.

Ejaculation

How can a man delay orgasm long enough for his wife to get aroused?

First, by delaying entrance until she is ready—well-lubricated and her labia minora (or vaginal lips) enlarged two to three times their normal size. Then after inserting the penis, by remaining motionless for one to two minutes to gain control. During this time continue to stimulate your wife’s clitoris gently with your finger; this should have her on the verge of climax before you start thrusting. Avoid
deep
penetration and try to keep the glans penis between one and three inches inside the vagina to produce maximum excitement for your wife.

Fantasy

Is it wrong for a husband to fantasize as long as he doesn’t commit adultery? Although I feel guilty about it, I find that it stimulates me. Three psychiatrists have told me that it’s perfectly normal and everybody does it.

“Fantasizing” about a woman other than your wife is a fancy title for old-fashioned “lust,” which Jesus Christ equated with adultery (Matt. 5:28). The Bible has much to say about keeping our thought lives pure (Phil. 4:8), “… we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). The mind is the doorway to the emotions or heart. If you think evil or lustful thoughts, they will make you feel lustful— ”For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (Prov. 23:7 mg). Fantasizing will often cause a person to “use” his partner rather than “love” her; it tends to overstimulate, producing a premature ejaculation, and it creates unreal expectations. Just because something is exciting doesn’t make it right.

How can I learn to control my thought life?

There are six steps to gaining control of your mind.

1. Confess all evil thinking as sin—1 John 1:9.

2. Keep in step with the Spirit—Gal. 5:16–25.

3. Ask God for victory over the habit—1 John 5:14–15.

4. Whenever possible, avoid all suggestive material—i.e., most movies, questionable TV programs, and pornography.

5. If you are married, think only of your wife or husband; if single, force your mind to think pure thoughts about all other people—Phil. 4:8.

6. Repeat the above steps when your mind digs up old lustful thought patterns.

It takes from thirty to sixty days to create new thought patterns, so don’t expect success overnight and don’t permit your mind an exception. Gradually you will find it easier to control your thoughts, but periodically both men and women will face increased temptation in this matter.

If sex starts in the mind, should a wife try to “turn on” by thinking or imagining sexually exciting things? Like what? Are such thoughts (if not including one’s own husband) sinful?

Yes and no. Yes—it is perfectly all right for a wife to visualize herself being embraced and caressed by her husband. No—a wife should not picture herself in the arms of another man; that is lust, which is expressly forbidden by our Lord. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28).

I love my husband and am not at all infatuated by any other man; but during sex relations I have to fantasize some illicit relations with another man (never anyone I know). I am ashamed to tell my husband this. Is this sinful for me? Is it because my husband doesn’t excite me enough, or what?

You have developed a very bad mental habit. Transfer your thoughts to your husband. Visualize earlier lovemaking experiences with him, or better yet, make love in a softly lighted room, keep your eyes open, and concentrate on what you are doing.

How much sex or possible lust should be allowed to fill one’s daily thinking?

None. Lust is like a disease—it will grow. Bring your mind into obedience to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5) and root out
all
evil imaginations.

Foreplay

Why are husbands always in a hurry to make love? My husband doesn’t seem to understand that I need a slow buildup before I become as passionate as he is.

In talking with wives, we find this a common problem. For reasons known only to God, women and men are as different in their love timing as in their physical apparatus. Unfortunately most men just don’t realize this fact. If they did, there would be far more husbands whose wives considered them great lovers, because time in buildup is probably the main difference between a husband who is mediocre in bed and one who is a fantastic lover.

Most men don’t seem to realize that a woman usually prefers a long, slow burn to the instant explosion. Because a man is an instant igniter, he often makes the terrible mistake of trying to adapt his wife to himself rather than to satisfy her needs. It is a wise husband who adjusts his style to his wife’s emotional pattern by beginning early in the evening to show love and affectionate tenderness, then gradually building his wife to a strong desire for lovemaking. When properly prepared, a woman’s entire body becomes sensitive to his touch, and he can develop great personal enjoyment by watching her respond to his tender caressing. The old adage “Haste makes waste” certainly applies to lovemaking.

Is a woman’s clitoris always the spot she desires her husband to touch to arouse her sexual tensions?