The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (43 page)

Is it wrong for a Christian to masturbate?

There is probably no more controversial question in the field of sex than this. A few years ago every Christian would have answered this question with an unqualified yes, but that was before the sexual revolution and before doctors declared that the practice is not harmful to health. No longer can a father honestly warn his son that it will cause “brain damage, weakness, baldness, blindness, epilepsy, or insanity.” Some still refer to it as “self-abuse” and “sinful behavior”; others advocate it as a necessary relief to the single man and a help for the married man whose wife is pregnant or whose business forces him to be away from home for long periods of time.

To show the influence of humanism on people’s decisions, we found it interesting that in our survey of twenty-five Christian doctors, 72 percent approved of masturbation and 28 percent felt it is wrong. By contrast, among pastors (whose graduate-school training was in seminary and undergraduate education often in a Christian college) only 13 percent approved of self-manipulation and 83 percent considered it wrong. In most cases, ministers are not uninformed on the subject; they probably have to cope with it in the counseling room more than doctors. Certainly they deal with it among single men through their camp and youth programs. Among those who took our survey, 52 percent of the men and 84 percent of the women declared they had never or seldom practiced masturbation; 17 percent of men and 4 percent of women indicated they had practiced masturbation frequently or regularly. Many of these stated specifically they no longer did so since becoming a Christian.

Unfortunately the Bible is silent on this subject; therefore it is dangerous to be dogmatic. Although we are sympathetic with those who would remove the time-honored taboos against the practice, we would like to suggest the following reasons why we do not feel it is an acceptable practice for Christians:

1. Fantasizing and lustful thinking are usually involved in masturbation, and the Bible clearly condemns such thoughts (Matt. 5:28).

2. Sexual expression was designed by God to be performed jointly by two people of the opposite sex, resulting in a necessary and healthy dependence on each other for the experience. Masturbation frustrates that designed dependence.

3. Feelings of guilt are a nearly universal aftermath of masturbation unless one has been brainwashed by the humanistic philosophy that does not hold to a God-given conscience or, in many cases, right and wrong. Such guilt feelings interfere with spiritual growth and produce defeat in single young people particularly. To them it is usually a self-discipline hurdle they must scale in order to grow in Christ and walk in the Spirit.

4. It violates 1 Corinthians 7:9: “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.” If a young man practices masturbation, it tends to nullify a necessary and important motivation for marriage. There are already enough social, educational, and financial demotivators hampering young men now; they don’t need this one.

5. It creates a habit before marriage that can easily be resorted to afterward as a cop-out when a husband and wife have sexual or other conflicts that make coitus difficult.

6. It defrauds a wife (1 Cor. 7:3–5). No married man should relieve his mounting, God-given desire for his wife except through coitus. She will feel unloved and insecure, and many little problems will unnecessarily be magnified by this artificial draining of his sex drive. This becomes increasingly true as a couple reach middle age.

As a divorcée, I have sexual needs that require fulfillment. Is it better to use a vibrator than become promiscuous?

Both alternatives are wrong and harmful. Other alternatives should be considered. The use of special vibrators is not only acceptable to, but is advocated by, humanists who regard man as another form of animal; many popular sex writers recommend these devices today. However, we feel they are dangerous and harmful to the psyche. The sex urge is basic in both men and women. It should be cultivated in marriage but de-emphasized by singles until marriage.

God put the sex drive in human beings to inspire them to mate throughout marriage. If a single person satisfies that drive with a vibrator or other such means, his or her major motivation to marry is destroyed. It is also dangerous because it creates an erotic sensation that no human on earth can equal; if the person remarries, there will be a natural temptation to resort to this same practice because the human partner cannot match that sensation. This is “defrauding” the partner.

If it is wrong to masturbate, what can a widowed or divorced person do to control his sex drive?

We were confronted with this question by a lovely young woman whose husband had been killed in an auto accident. She asked, “What does a woman who is used to as many as ten orgasms a week do when she suddenly has no husband?” Admittedly she had a problem. She needed to know that (1) God’s grace is sufficient for even her need (2 Cor. 12:9); (2) her stimulated desire would ease considerably in time with disuse; (3) she must guard her thought life carefully by Bible reading and prayer; (4) she must avoid all suggestive or compromising situations with the opposite sex; (5) she should become active in a local church and trust God to (a) supply another person with whom she can share her love need or (b) give her the self-control to cope with her problem (1 Cor. 10:13); and (6) she could ask God to take away the craving (1 John 5:14–15).

Fortunately this young widow was a deeply spiritual person, and God supplied her need. Two years later she remarried, and she testifies today that God is able to supply
all
needs as He promised in Philippians 4:19.

A close friend of ours lost his wife of seventeen years and confessed to a severe problem at first. He finally prayed earnestly that God would help him, and God removed that strong drive for six years. When he met another woman who later became his wife, his normal appetite for lovemaking was quickly revived.

If my husband fails to bring me to orgasm, should I induce orgasm myself when he’s asleep?

As a couple develops the kind of relationship that encourages open communication, the wife can make her needs known to her husband. A thoughtful husband who can’t control his ejaculation long enough to bring his wife to orgasm can at least lovingly caress her clitoris until she shares his experience. The wife can help in this regard by faithful practice of the Kegel exercises described in chapter 10. Many women develop such powerful muscle tone around the vagina that they can actually squeeze the shaft of the inserted penis enough times to bring on orgasm even before the husband starts deep thrusting. Those who have developed this art report that it introduces a dimension to the act of marriage they never previously dreamed possible. In fact, several women who had no difficulty reaching orgasm reported that even their sensations were improved by these exercises.

Is clitoral stimulation by squeezing the legs together prior to intercourse termed “masturbation”?

This technique is not well known, probably because not all women are able to do it, depending on the location of their clitoris, their body size, and other factors, We would suggest that if it is done to heighten sexual tension in anticipation of lovemaking, it could be labeled a form of foreplay. If practiced without a husband, it is masturbation.

Menopause

What is menopause, and what causes it?

Menopause, or “the change of life,” as it is frequently called, is actually the gradual decrease of ovarian activity. Although there is great variability, irregular menstrual periods begin in the forties for most women, but complete cessation of the menses may not occur until they are well into their fifties. As a woman ages, her supply of estrogen, responsible for ovum production, begins to diminish; she will experience some changes in the lining of the uterus, producing irregularity. In some extreme cases, a woman in the menopausal period may notice a sagging of the breasts, a broadening of the hips, and an increasing weight problem. Some women complain of hot flashes, whereas others become depressed, weepy, and irritable. Any woman with these symptoms should see her doctor, as many of these symptoms may be controlled by taking estrogen. In most cases it can be administered in convenient pill form.

Why do some women have more problems during the menopause?

All women are different in temperament, mental attitudes, glandular functions, and body chemistry. The two biggest problems are:

1. A decrease in estrogen. Only a doctor can help alleviate this problem; many women testify that medically prescribed estrogen transformed them during this period of life.

2. One’s mental attitude, which is more significant than most people realize. The woman who expects menopause to “wipe her out” will usually not be disappointed; the busy, motivated woman who expects to take it in stride usually does.

Does menopause reduce a woman’s sex drive?

That depends on the woman and her husband. Menopause certainly may create a problem within an already strained marital situation; in a few cases it may even overtax a healthy marriage. Some women, however, find their inhibitions vanish as their menstruation diminishes. Current research indicates that many become more interested in sexual relations after forty than they were before. Much depends on whether or not the woman fears that discontinuance of periods will begin a loss in her femininity. Once she realizes that femininity is not dependent on having a monthly period, she can go on to many years of married love.

After menopause, intercourse may be painful for some women because the lower hormone levels cause the vaginal walls to become thin and less elastic, making it somewhat easier for them to become irritated by coitus. This can usually be avoided by taking sufficient estrogen or by using a vaginal cream locally that contains estrogen, which is absorbed there through the skin. Also, there may be a need for more artificial lubricant such as K-Y jelly.

It has been conclusively shown that women who have satisfying sexual intercourse once or twice a week all through the menopausal years have fewer symptoms of hot flashes, irritability, and nervousness, and much less change in the vaginal walls even with little or no hormone replacement.

Can a woman get pregnant during her menopause?

Yes, it is possible. That is the source of the term “change-of-life baby.” Many women erroneously conclude that because they skip a few periods, they can discontinue using birth-control pills. A woman can ovulate each month even without menstruating, and this is when she is vulnerable to pregnancy. Only a small percentage of women are likely to become pregnant during this stage, but there is no way of identifying them. Some doctors recommend that a woman continue using her birth-control measures at least one year after her last period. After that length of time, it is safe to assume that the ovaries will no longer function.

What can a husband do when his wife is going through the menopause?

On his wedding day he promised to love her “for better or for worse.” Even if he may consider this to be the worst phase of his marriage, God expects him to love his wife anyway. Some women may feel insecure at this time and need to be reassured of their husband’s love and their own feminine appeal. Her husband is the only one who can adequately give her what she needs: love, patience, kindness, long-suffering, and understanding. A husband should remember that God never required what He will not supply; He will certainly provide him with the kind of love his wife needs if he is really interested in loving and helping her. She will respond warmly to such a husband and be appreciative when the menopausal stage is over. It is only a temporary period, and the years that follow can be long and full of tenderness for the understanding couple.

A husband can also help his wife at this time by seeking her companionship and including her in as many of his activities as possible. At this age the children usually no longer require her constant attention. With this lack of responsibility and extra time on her hands, she needs to feel wanted and needed by someone. A good church can be especially helpful to both husband and wife; fellowship with other people their own age and having a place of Christian service can be rewarding.

Menstruation

Is intercourse during menstruation medically approved?

Most modern medical authorities indicate that intercourse during the time a woman is menstruating is not harmful. It is untidy and should usually not be prolonged because the female organs are sometimes tender at that time and can easily become irritated. A woman may go from a warm, amorous mood to a chilly feeling suddenly. Interestingly enough, however, this is one of the times when her sexual interest may easily be aroused.

Does the Bible condemn intercourse during menstruation?

The ceremonial laws of the Old Testament required that a woman go through a period of “uncleanness” for seven days as a result of menstruation, and intercourse was forbidden (Lev. 15:19). Usually the ceremonial laws were for hygienic reasons as well as spiritual. But those laws were given thirty-five hundred years ago, before showers and baths were so convenient, before tampons, disinfectants, and other improved means of sanitation had been invented. The death of Christ, “once for all,” has done away with the ceremonial laws, rituals, and ordinances (Heb. 9:1–10:25); therefore we are no longer bound by them. We do not believe that intercourse during menstruation is sinful, but it should probably be avoided during the first three days of a wife’s flow of blood and should be initiated only by the wife.