The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (44 page)

Oral Sex

What is oral sex?

Two words are used to describe oral sex. In
fellatio
the woman receives the male penis into her mouth in order to stimulate the glans penis with her lips and tongue;
cunnilingus
is the act of the male stimulating the woman with his mouth over her vulva area, usually with his tongue on her clitoris. Both forms of oral sex can bring an orgasm if prolonged.

Is it right for Christians to practice oral sex?

Almost every week we receive this question by letter or in the counseling room, especially during the last few years. Husbands tend to desire this experience more than wives, but recently because of the many sex books on the market, there seems to be increasing curiosity on the part of women in this form of sexual excitement. Doubtless the practice is increasing. One author suggests that as many as 80 percent of couples have tried it. Although they may find it pleasurable, many feel guilty about it.

The Bible is completely silent on this subject, and we have encountered a wide variety of opinions. Of the Christian doctors we surveyed, 73 percent felt it was acceptable for a Christian couple as long as both partners enjoyed it; 27 percent did not approve of it. To our amazement, 77 percent of the ministers felt it was acceptable, and 23 percent did not. It is strange that many people who approach us for our opinion indicate they have already counseled with a minister who opposed it. We almost wonder if many ministers who express opposition to it to counselees (perhaps because they consider it the stand they should take) adopt a different position when reporting in an anonymous survey.

Usually one encounters strong opposition when discussing the subject; very few seem to advocate it, but who knows what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms? Some object to the practice probably because of personal prejudice for what they feel are hygienic or spiritual reasons; but doctors say it is not unhealthy, and the Bible is silent on the subject. Therefore each couple must make their own decision on the matter.

We do not personally recommend or advocate it, but we have no biblical grounds for censuring two married people who mutually enjoy it. We do not think, moreover, that it should be used as a substitute for coitus; if it has a place in marriage, we would suggest it be limited to foreplay. A warning, however, should be sounded: Love requires that one partner
never demand
the experience from the other if he or she does not enjoy it or feels guilty or uncomfortable about it.

Why is oral sex on the increase?

Many factors contribute to the currently widespread discussion of oral sex: (1) the sex revolution has led to more sexual experimentation; (2) secular authorities and writers have popularized it in the recent rash of sex books on the current best-seller lists; (3) many young people are reported to be using oral sex as a substitute today for intercourse to avoid pregnancy and loss of virginity; consequently they marry with an appetite for the experience. Some women find it harder to reach orgasm in marriage by the conventional method after they have had this premarital experience; (4) it seems to be the sex fad of the twentieth century, though it has doubtlessly been practiced privately for centuries.

Are there hygienic factors related to oral sex?

The current craze for oral sex may yet prove to be far more harmful than its exponents imagine. Some medical researchers are inclined to believe it is possible to transmit herpetic diseases through oral sex, leading in some cases even to cancer of the cervix. The following letter to columnist Ann Landers from Dr. Louis Berman, a counselor of students at the University of Illinois, is extremely informative:

Dear Miss Landers:

In a recent column, you warned of a little-known but not-so-rare disease called herpes simplex II, which has been linked with sterility and cancer.

I am not a physician, I’m a college counselor who became acquainted with herpes through the sad experience of a bright, handsome college student, who picked up the infection during a holiday break when he renewed an acquaintance with a former girlfriend. During our discussion he remembered his girlfriend had been intimate with a man who had frequent cold sores.

Herpes is a cold-sore virus that is rapidly becoming a venereal disease because of the increasing incidence of oral-genital sex. Pornographic movies and “art” have popularized oral sex in a way that was unheard of even five years ago.

As a counselor, I can tell you many of my colleagues (as well as sexologists) are directly or indirectly encouraging oral sex play. I think it is only fair that the public be made aware of the risks that accompany this sort of activity.

I have seen many articles on herpes in newspapers and popular magazines, but I have never seen any mention of the connection between herpes and oral sex. Maybe the writers are too gutless to tell it like it is. How about you, Ann Landers?

It may well be that additional research will confirm some of these serious possibilities and expose oral sex, which some already find repugnant, as being extremely dangerous to the health.

Orgasm

We experience simultaneous orgasms most of the time, but can’t understand why we don’t every time.

Nothing is more intricate than a human being. When the success of a bodily function is dependent on two very different human beings, it is unreal to expect 100 percent performance. When you consider that lovemaking is contingent upon two different brains, emotional systems, spiritual conditions, mood swings, fatigue levels, physical conditions, and reproductive mechanisms, you will realize that utopia every time is impossible to achieve. In addition, there are different levels of satisfaction. Admittedly orgasm is without doubt the most exciting single experience in life, but even when it is not achieved, there is a degree of satisfaction in sharing yourself intimately with the person you love.

It has long been interesting to us that professional baseball players are considered outstanding if they maintain a batting average of .333. That signals success even though they fail to hit two out of three times. Of course, hitting and pitching suggest competition, whereas lovemaking features two people in cooperation; consequently you can expect a much higher “batting average” from lovers. In all probability, an excellent love life consists of a very exciting orgasm 60 to 70 percent of the time.

Do some women consistently experience greater sexual satisfaction through direct stimulation than through intercourse alone?

This is frequently the case, because it is easier to direct the hand and fingers to exactly the right spot than it is the penis. In addition, the vagina may be sagging and weak in muscle tone from childbirth; consequently it does not respond to the penis as it should. This can be corrected through exercise, and stimulation during intercourse can be enhanced through practice. It is very common for a wife to experience her first orgasm through direct stimulation, then graduate to simultaneous orgasm with her husband. Some women take longer to graduate than others, and some never do. Practice makes perfect, so keep practicing.

Do most women feel it is necessary to reach an orgasm for a sexual experience to be satisfying?

Most women want to experience orgasm—it is the ultimate sexual enjoyment, so why shouldn’t they? God gave them that capability, and we think they should learn to experience it. However, millions of women never have the experience, yet indicate they enjoy lovemaking. We were amazed to note how many women who had never enjoyed orgasm reported that on a scale of 0–100 they would rate their sex lives 75–85.

Is there something wrong with a woman who seldom reaches an orgasm and yet is satisfied with sex?

No! Hopefully she is as easily satisfied in other things also. Then again, perhaps she doesn’t know what she’s missing. If she would have one exciting, exploding orgasm, we suspect she would no longer be so fully “satisfied with sex” without it.

Do most women really enjoy sex or submit to it only because they know they should because the Scriptures teach submission? Why do women enjoy it?

This question could not possibly be asked by a wife who experiences fulfilling orgasm. The woman who enjoys lovemaking and finds it her most exciting single experience usually desires it on an average of two to three times a week.

Orgasmic Failure

How does one deal with disappointment over failure to find pleasure or orgasm in sex after seventeen years?

By making orgasmic fulfillment a prayerful quest. Study chapters 9 and 10, “The Unfulfilled Woman” and “The Key to Feminine Response,” and carefully exercise your P.C. muscle as described by Dr. Kegel. Remember that 85 percent of the nonorgasmic wives so counseled have learned how to achieve regular orgasm this way. We believe no married woman should accept orgasmic failure.

If four out of ten women are nonorgasmic, how do they cope with this problem (to avoid the feeling of marriage failure and guilt)?

Don’t cope with it. Follow the suggestions given above to a whole new dimension of lovemaking enjoyment.

How important is it that women experience orgasm during intercourse?

It depends on whether or not you are accustomed to settling for “good” or “best.” If you can experience orgasm through your husband’s manual stimulation, you can learn to climax your lovemaking with simultaneous orgasms—which is the ultimate, but it is an art that takes practice. Perhaps your husband inserts his penis too soon, or possibly he discontinues manual stimulation after entrance. You’re almost there—keep working on it.

How does a wife reach orgasm with the penis in the vagina?

By waiting until she is sufficiently aroused before the husband inserts his penis. The telltale sign for the husband is not secretion of sufficient lubrication, but the enlargement of the inner lips of his wife’s vagina. It is also important that he continue the manual stimulation of her clitoris for a few moments after entrance and that he learn to retard his ejaculation. He will likewise expedite the process if he avoids deep thrusting, but concentrates on keeping the enlarged head of his penis nearer the entrance to her vagina. Deep thrusting, which men tend to do instinctively, places the largest part of the penis in the least responsive part of the wife’s vagina. Keep in mind that most of her nerve endings are within the first two inches of her vagina.

Petting

What is petting?

Someone has suggested that “necking” is what goes on above the neck between two unmarried people of the opposite sex, and “petting” is what occurs below the neck. Actually petting is just a sophisticated term describing illicit foreplay by the unmarried, and it is dangerous. Almost all consenting girls who become pregnant out of wedlock engage in heavy petting before they are swept into intercourse. Petting is intended to stimulate passions in preparation for intercourse; consequently it should be practiced only by married partners. The price of petting should always be a marriage license. Most single girls do not realize that the time of the month when they are most amorous coincides with the time when they are most fertile and least able to control their passions; consequently it is the most dangerous for them when it is the most appealing.

Because petting is really “foreplay,” it must be reserved for marriage. Among married couples it is usually considered their most exciting pastime.

Is heavy petting before marriage damaging to the initiation of a good sexual adjustment in early marriage? (It was to ours because of guilt.)

Most counselors will agree that your experience is common.

Positions

Should married couples always have intercourse in bed? What other places are acceptable?

For most people the bed is the most convenient place to make love, but it certainly isn’t the only place. Statistics indicate that at least 90 percent of married love occurs in bed, but almost all couples experiment with other places and positions when the mood suggests something new. It is wise to be creative and experimental at times. Any place that is mutually agreeable and does not betray your privacy is acceptable.

Privacy

How can a couple with young children at home really have the privacy to do anything they want in their sex life?

Put a lock on the bedroom door. Children should be taught to respect their parents’ privacy; it’s a necessary part of their training in recognizing the need to honor the rights of others. Besides, their parents will be better parents if they can freely and frequently express married love without distractions or inhibitions.

What do you do about lack of privacy with a teenager in the house? When do you relax and make love when you are afraid of being heard?

All couples should have a lock on their bedroom door, and children should be taught to stay out of their parents’ bedroom. Locate children’s bedrooms so that they cannot hear every noise that comes from the parents’ room. Finally, relax—children are usually sound sleepers.