The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (42 page)

Another cause of male homosexuality or lesbianism is an abnormal, smothering love of a child by a parent. This stifles his God-given instinctual response to the opposite sex. When a mother is not given love by her husband, she will often selfishly fill that void in her heart through an abnormal love for her son. Even though she would never think of doing anything immoral with him, such smothering affection sets up guilt complexes in the lad that stifle his normal reactions toward the opposite sex. Subconsciously he regards such feelings as a betrayal of his love for his mother. The same thing occurs when a girl is subjected to that kind of smothering love from her father, who probably does not receive sufficient love from his wife. Dr. Howard Hendricks has made the point at many of our seminars that “children need love, but they should always realize that they are number two in the heart of their parents. If they grow up thinking they are number one, they will have a difficult time adjusting normally to the opposite sex.”

Normal love responses in children are most easily fostered in a warm atmosphere of love between their parents. This is so psychically normal that they feel relaxed in their attitude toward the opposite sex. Although parents should not be indiscreet in front of their children, it is good for them to see their parents embrace and display genuine affection.

Remember also that in their early teen years, as they go from childhood to adolescence, children are commonly attracted to those of their own sex. Junior boys, for example, often “hate girls.” And as they begin developing sexually, they may find an unexplainable attraction to another boy or man. That is why they should be well trained in their home and church in God’s standards of sexuality that boy-girl impulses are right and normal and that boy-boy sexual impulses should be rejected. Such teachings guard them through this ambivalent phase of life when even they don’t know sometimes if they are “fish or fowl,” after which they develop a healthy appreciation of the opposite sex.

When we moved to California, I was ill-prepared for the many homosexuals I was called upon to counsel. But every case has followed a similar pattern. A boy with a strong love need met an evangelist of homosexuality who supplied that love need, at first platonically by “going fishing with him,” “weight lifting,” or just spending time with him. Little did the young person realize that he was being wooed as carefully as a man courts a woman. Then, when he was emotionally hooked and the homosexual act was suggested, the first thoughts of repugnance were swept aside by fear of losing “the only person who ever loved me.” Little did the lad realize he was trading a normal love relationship of a wife and probability of children in the future for the satisfaction of that immediate love need.

You may ask, “Why, if they didn’t really want to do it in the first place, do they end up confirmed homosexuals?” Homosexuality is a learned behavior, and people can develop an appetite for anything if they do it often enough. Once that happens, they cultivate all kinds of mental excuses to justify it. Eventually his God-given conscience is “seared as with a hot iron,” and he may become blatantly defiant in his sin; consequently another evangelist of homosexuality is walking the streets.

Can a male homosexual or a lesbian ever be cured?

The answer to this question lies in an individual’s being willing to accept Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior. If such a person is willing, a cure is possible, but so far there is little success in any other treatment. As a prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist admitted, “Very honestly, I have never been able to cure a homosexual, and I don’t know anyone else who has either.” Unfortunately far too many psychiatrists, educators, and counselors don’t even attempt a cure; instead they encourage the individual to accept their behavior as not being deviant but merely “another form of sexual expression.”

One Bible verse is extremely encouraging to homosexuals or anyone else caught in a sinful habit: “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27). We have seen several turn to Christ and by His power extricate themselves from their dilemma. It is never easy, but with God’s help it is possible. The following formula we have used with several individuals:

1. Accept Christ as Lord and Savior of your life.

2. Face homosexuality or lesbianism as a sin (Rom. 1:26–27, 32).

3. Confess it as a sin (1 John 1:9).

4. Ask God to break the habit pattern (1 John 5:14–15).

5. Walk in the Spirit through daily reading of the Word of God and submit to its teachings (Gal. 5:16–25; Eph. 5:17–21; Col. 3:15–17).

6. Avoid contact with all former homosexual friends.

7. Avoid places where such people gather.

8. Cultivate wholesome thought patterns; never permit your mind to visualize deviant or immoral behavior (Phil. 4:8).

9. Find a strong Christian friend who has never had this problem, one with whom you can share your need and to whom you can turn for help when the temptation becomes strong.

One man I counseled years ago sincerely wanted to rid himself of this awful sin. He promised me he would never again go to the city park, which he had previously frequented to meet other men. As a further means of motivation he agreed that in his best interest I could ask privately, but at any time, “Have you been near the park lately?” Later he confided, “It was a real help when I was tempted to know that every now and then you would look me in the eye and ask that question.” It is possible to break the habit without such a friend, but it is much easier if you have one.

Gradually the urges and temptation will diminish, but each time you do it or think about it, the habit is cultivated and becomes more difficult to overcome. Remember the sowing-reaping principle: you reap what you sow. Yet it takes time. For example, your present feelings are largely the result of your thoughts and actions of the past thirty or sixty days. If you want to reap a better crop of feelings, urges, and appetites thirty or sixty days from now, then with God’s help start sowing better seeds in your mind immediately.

Will children raised by only one parent grow up with a natural attitude toward their own sex and the opposite sex?

This question is near to my heart, because I was raised by a widowed mother. I was almost ten, my sister was five, and my brother was seven weeks old when my father died. All of us developed normal relationships with the opposite sex, and we can point to three happy marriages and thirteen children among us. In fact, my brother, who never knew a father, has five children and was a first sergeant in the U.S. Air Force with 397 men under his command. Obviously he relates well to men and women.

The Bible promises that God is “a father to the fatherless” (Ps. 68:5), and we certainly found that to be true. Actually it seems that a child without one parent can make the proper adjustment to life more easily than a child raised in a home filled with parental hostility and conflict. If a widow or divorcée has to raise her children alone, there seems to be a natural acceptance of her leadership role, and unless she goes overboard and smothers them, they develop perfectly normal relationships with the opposite sex. It also helps if a mother in such circumstances simply assumes that God will provide the emotional well-being her children need. Then they are infected with the expectation of being perfectly normal, and consequently they will be.

In addition, it is always best to talk to children positively about their future. For example, never use “if” when looking ahead. “When you get married” or “when you go to college” is always a better term than “if you ever get married” or “if you ever go to college.” Single Christian parents’ positive attitudes, anticipating success in every phase of their children’s lives, form the strongest foundation for young people, next to their heavenly Father’s promise to be “a father to the fatherless.”

Impotence

Is it true that male impotence is on the increase, and if so, why?

Although no survey that we are familiar with compares male impotence today with what it was thirty to fifty years ago, most active counselors will acknowledge that they face the problem much more frequently than they did twenty years ago. If, as we believe, it is on the rise, the reason is more mental and emotional than physical. Most doctors suggest that it isn’t a glandular problem but is due to the emotional and mental pressures of our present society. Men get less physical exercise today than they did twenty years ago and have greater mental pressures to cope with. In addition, life in this present troubled world is less secure, and many men are less certain of their manhood than formerly. We look for this problem to increase as the woman’s lib philosophy creates more conflict in the home and continues to assault the male ego.

In the early years of marriage a man’s sexual drive is about 75 percent physical and 25 percent mental, but as he matures, those ratios change until by the age of fifty it is 75 percent mental and 25 percent physical. That is why we say that if a man thinks he is potent, he is, and vice versa. For a large treatment of this subject see chapter 11.

Do hormone shots help a middle-aged man’s potency?

That depends on whether his problem is caused by a hormone deficiency. No amount of hormones will cure a man who thinks he is impotent. If the problem persists, he should see his doctor, because a hormone deficiency can be ascertained only after thorough medical tests.

Does vitamin E really stimulate an impotent man’s sex drive?

To date, published reports are inconclusive. We know doctors who consider it a waste of money, whereas others recommend it. One doctor friend recommends 1,600 units a day for male impotence; another approves a Chinese root called
ginseng
. If you have a problem with impotence, either of these would be worth trying. If it helps, keep it up; if not, discontinue it. A one- or two-months’ supply should give you an answer.

Does a vasectomy have anything to do with male potency?

This was dealt with in chapter 12, on birth control. Doctors assure us that the operation has absolutely nothing to do with a man’s capability, provided he doesn’t use it as an excuse to consider himself impotent. We know five doctors personally who have submitted to the surgery; you can be sure they would never have done so if it would have affected their virility.

Please give some specific ways to arouse a wife when the husband is unable to have an erection. How do couples deal with inequality of sex (e.g., when the wife is unable to respond, she can give; but when the husband is unable to respond, he cannot)?

A thoughtful husband with this problem can lovingly stimulate his wife to orgasm manually to satisfy her needs. Usually he will find this stimulating, and it may result in the erection he needs. Study chapter 11 on male impotence and remember—most male inability is caused by the brain. If you think you can, you can. A wife can also help her husband obtain an erection by gently stroking his penis.

Love

Is it possible to enjoy sex without a close, affectionate relationship the rest of the time?

Yes, such a relationship is experienced by millions of couples the world over—but that is not intercourse at its best. If such a couple have learned the art of lovemaking, they will engage in coitus on occasions, but not so frequently or so enthusiastically as lovers. Love is an emotion that must be cultivated; no Christian should endure marriage without it. The first characteristic of the Spirit-filled life is love. If you don’t have such love for your partner, you should examine your spiritual condition.

Is it really selfishness on my part to want to be more than a tool for my husband’s sexual happiness? Is it wrong for me to want to enjoy it too?

Certainly not! Every wife has a right to expect to be loved to orgasm. Your husband, however, may feel extremely inadequate if he is not able to satisfy you; and rather than admitting it, he may cover it up by acting as if it shouldn’t matter. Talk to him, encourage him to read this book, listen to Dr. Wheat’s cassettes, and consciously work on his lovemaking technique. We are convinced that any man can learn to become an exciting lover to his wife—if he is thoughtful enough to be concerned about her needs. Frequently all it takes is a little more clitoral stimulation before entrance and a little delay of his ejaculation.

Marriage Adjustment

My husband and I were mismatched. Had we been Christians when we met, we would have known we should not have married in the first place. What can we do about such a situation now that we’ve become Christians?

First and foremost, slam the divorce door, which is not a live option for Christians. The Bible says, “Are you married? Do not seek a divorce” (1 Cor. 7:27). Now that does not mean that you must endure misery the rest of your life. God commands you to love each other; consequently you have that capability. Now that you have become Christians, you possess a new source of love to extend to each other. We have seen some rather impossible cases transformed into love matches by the power of the Holy Spirit. Learn to love each other. We suggest that you get a copy of our book
How to Be Happy Though Married
and put its principles into practice.

Masturbation