The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys (8 page)

You can also play with a prickly pinwheel (called a Wartenburg neuro wheel, for those in the know), a device doctors use on your body to determine nerve response. At home, you can use it everywhere except on the genitals, directly on the nipples, or on the anal opening. This sinister-looking and very painful medical instrument consists of an 8-inch handle, with a small stainless steel rolling wheel at one end that has sharp pinpricks. When the wheel is rolled lightly over skin, like a pizza wheel, it leaves a trail of sharp pain and a fiery sensation in its wake. Make sure you roll it lightly to avoid piercing the skin. And don't share your pinwheel with other partners, unless you have access to hospital sterilization.

Cock rings shouldn't hurt when they're on, but they can be made to, and you can find ones that are made for pain rather than constriction. Rings can be tightened, or layered one on top of the other to up the ante. Some cock rings have steel D-rings on them, allowing you to attach a fishing weight or a leash; fishing weights should be gently lowered with your hand, and leashes should never be yanked on. Ball stretchers, cock and ball vises, ball stocks, ball separators, and combination cock ring/ball “torture” (CBT, or cock-and ball torture) devices can all be found at specialty S/M boutiques, especially ones that cater to gay men. These toys will bring out the Inquisitor in you, and ideally will
evoke delighted moans of pleasurable pain from him, but only experienced players should use them.

If intense sensations like clamps, spanking, whipping, paddling, and other types of pain sound like the ingredients for a hot date, follow these guidelines and suggestions:

H
ave you ever wanted to turn the tables on your lover, strapping on a sexy black harness, fastening in a dildo to jut out from between your legs, just so—then following through with everything your new dick implies? And what would that entail, exactly: strutting around in a pair of high heels, or going all the way and dressing extra butch in a tank top and work boots? Better yet, if you followed all these lines of thinking, how hot and bothered would you get while stroking your new erect appendage, rubbing it all over your lover's face, and having them give you a blow job—or more, when you take total control and penetrate them?

Sound hot? It is. Being on the receiving end (literally) of a strap-on is just as arousing in the, well, flesh. Whether it's a power exchange fantasy, a gender-bending scenario, or just the blissful sensation of feeling your lover inside you, there's little that compares with strap-on sex.

Harnesses come in a variety of shapes, styles, and sizes, and can be tailored to fit virtually any fantasy scenario you and your
lover have in mind. Strap-ons are for women, men, and trans people of all genders and orientations who want a little (or a big) something extra in their pants. There are strap-ons made just for men, harnesses for female-to-male trans folks, strap-on rigs made for a variety of functions like double penetration, and much, much more. Unlike their depictions in most porn, strap-ons aren't just for long-fingernailed, fluffy-haired, fake lesbians.

As a sex act, straight couples playing with strap-ons has proven a very lucrative, popular, emerging (and exciting) area of sexual expression. For those toy companies savvy enough to understand what's at play here, that is—because the “bend over boyfriend” phenomenon has befuddled the more traditional sex toy retailers and porn directors, and also sex advice authors and porn reviewers of all orientations. As noted sexologist Dr. Carol Queen said in the introduction to the how-to instructional video that coined the sex act's namesake (
Bend Over Boyfriend
), “Straight couples are reinventing anal sex.” Because even if uptight porn directors and novelty manufacturers may not have the faintest idea why a couple buys a harness, it's certain that they're doing it because it's
fun
.

Wearing a strap-on, even if you don't do anything with it, is an encounter full of revelations and gives you a sense of sexual giddiness that must be felt to be understood—in addition to the incredible arousal that usually comes with playing with “your dick.” Strap-on play has no unwanted consequences, like pregnancy or an STD. Being penetrated and played with by a lover in a harness is just as fun, intense, and sexually exciting as doing the strapping, and the orgasmic potential is eye opening. Although this chapter is written primarily for heterosexual couples, anyone looking to play with harnesses will want to give it a skim, as
it's full of crafty ideas for shopping for, playing with, and coming with the aid of a strap-on harness.

Straight couples
have
reinvented anal sex, and the
Bend Over Boyfriend
phenomenon brought on by the how-to video of the same name has skyrocketed harness and dildo sales to heterosexual couples across the nation. Perhaps the fact that straight men are interested in receiving anal exploration from their female partners comes from increased awareness about prostate pleasure—sometimes called “the male G-spot.” Or maybe men are just more comfortable with and confident about their sexuality and can see through all the contrived myths linking male anal sex and homosexuality. And maybe now they feel free to make up their own minds about what they like, because in fact not all gay men like anal sex, and because being penetrated can't
make
someone gay. But most likely, because our culture talks about sex more than ever before, happy, horny, and adventurous guys and gals are looking at each other's bodies like the pleasure playgrounds they were meant to be. And that's a
really
good thing.

Penetration is one of those amazing things that connect you with your lover like nothing else, and it can be an incredible turn-on for both of you. When you plug a man with your finger or fingers, a dildo, or a vibrator, you enter into a realm of pleasure that's as deep for him as it is intimate for both of you. And for some men it's like hitting a pleasure switch—even the lightest touch on the outside of the anus shoots him straight to orgasm.

In almost every sex book you pick up, if you can find a reference to the prostate gland at all (without its being exclusively related to cancer), you'll notice a few strange things about the way authors deal with the subject. Many impart a homophobic tone that makes even
me
wonder if I'm repressing anything—and this goes for both male and female authors. It's as if they wanted you to be absolutely sure they're straight when they're telling you about what's inside guys' butts, and that you are too, and that everyone's still straight after they read about it. The concept of male anal penetration obviously carries a lot of stigma and shame for these authors. This would be funny if it weren't so frustrating trying to get practical sex information out of their books. The other unfortunate thing most books do when they cover real-life, try-this-at-home prostate stimulation (which they do rarely) is rush through the material and present it in a cold context, as if no one would really try this for pleasure. Oh, and did I mention that prostate play, or the enjoyment thereof, has nothing to do with sexual orientation? It doesn't. End of discussion.

The prostate gland is located at about the center of the male urogenital system, inside the perineal wall. It sits just below the bladder, producing the fluid that mixes with semen in ejaculate, and is connected to the urethra, the muscles that line the perineum, and the sphincter muscle. If there's an epicenter to male orgasm, then this must be it. Many men, though not all, find that when they're aroused, prostate stimulation is intensely pleasurable; that's because the nerve pathway from the brain to the penis runs through the rectum, and one large nerve bundle is located just beneath the prostate. Additionally, the root of the penis is more or less anchored at the prostate, so when you
massage a guy's prostate you also transmit sensation to the base of his penis. If he experiences any pain when his prostate is touched, he should have it checked by his doctor. Men often describe the orgasms they have from prostate stimulation as deep, intense, and powerful.

Many men (though not all) enjoy penetration during other sexual activities, like fellatio, hand jobs, or intercourse—that is, as long as you don't stop or interrupt direct stimulation of the penis. If you've talked to him about penetration beforehand, you've got it under control and are way ahead of the game. Discussing anal play before you try it is essential, unless you and your lover already have anal adventure on the menu. Starting anal play with someone who's not ready for it can be very unsettling; don't guess how he might react, because for some guys anal penetration is going too far. So, how do you add anal penetration to your sexual repertoire and make it pleasurable? Again, follow the three golden rules: Go very slowly, listen to the man you're penetrating, and use lots of lube.

Fingers are perfect for first-time penetration, as they afford you the most sensitivity and control. When he's turned on and ready to be fingered, you can start the experiment by massaging his buttocks and caressing the crack between his cheeks. If he responds positively, try slowly sliding a wet finger over the opening to his anus while you're kissing him, or while playing with his penis or testicles. Be sure your hands are clean (read:
scrubbed
—no dirt or grime under your nails) and your fingernails are trimmed and filed smooth. Make sure you don't have
any tiny cuts or hangnails. Latex gloves or nitrile (nonlatex) gloves are excellent to use, because they provide a perfectly smooth, clean surface and you can simply take them off when you switch activities.

With the flat of your finger, or fingers, press lightly on the opening and hold it there. Increase the pressure a little, massaging and pressing in circular motions. Go very slowly, and listen to his cues or verbal instructions—for some guys, just having their anus touched is all it takes to push them over the top. Pay attention to sufficient lubrication, and never rely on saliva. In porn films they make it look like that's all they use, but that's not the case—they just don't show you the anal suppositories and numerous applications of lube. Experienced players can buy lube injection rigs from kink-friendly sites like
stockroom.com
.

If you know he's ready for insertion, if you're keeping him nice and hard, and if he's at the point when he's not sure whether he should be thrusting into your mouth or bucking onto your hand, check your accessories. You should have plenty of lube, plus gloves or finger cots. The anus is an unlubricated area; it does not self-lubricate like a mouth or vagina, and its skin is thin enough to abrade easily. Use lube, lots of it. You can never have too much lubricant. Use a thick, water-based lube. Have your gloves ready, or already on.

Move your flattened fingers in a circular motion, and begin experimenting with penetration by pressing one well-lubed finger at the base of the opening (toward his perineum). Massage the opening's base, and ask him if he wants you to go farther. Slowly slide your finger in up to the first joint (about an inch), or use a slim sex toy like a small butt plug, and hold it there
for a few breaths. You'll feel the ring of muscles around his opening squeeze and contract—just stay still as the muscles relax.

When you feel the muscles relax, slowly slide your finger in a little bit more, then back out, doing a gentle in-and-out, not all the way in yet. Once again, this may be all it takes for him to come, or to decide that it's not what he wants right now—but if he does want more, follow his directions and body language from here on as you progress to more stimulation. You can go deeper or faster, or even add more fingers—but the rule of thumb (so to speak) is to do everything so slowly that you can practically feel the seasons changing around you. Anal penetration hurts when you go too fast, or you don't use enough lube, or the recipient isn't relaxed, or he really doesn't want to be doing it.

Once he's anally warmed up and ready for more penetration, you can bring sex toys into play. Vibrators will feel fantastic on his ass, and you can tease and penetrate him while you suck, stroke, or fuck him. The thing to know about vibrators and anal stimulation is that the outer third of the anus, and the prostate, contain more nerve endings than the anal canal and respond best to touch and vibration. The inner portion, inside the canal, has fewer nerve endings near the skin's surface and responds to feelings of fullness, pressure, and rhythm.

So, a vibrator will feel intense (intensely good) around the opening and pressing on the prostate. But the vibration won't be a factor deep inside—rather, the size, shape, and motion of the vibrator itself will. To maximize your buzz, select insertable vibrators that have the vibration located at the base. When bringing a vibe into the action, start on the lowest speed, and give him more as he asks for it.

Squirt liberal amounts of lube on any toy you use, and reapply frequently. You can fuck the daylights out of him anally with a dildo he likes. Or, insert a butt plug and keep it in place while you bring him to orgasm; just don't leave it in for extended periods, or it will get uncomfortable. Chances are good that his PC muscles will squeeze the plug out before he orgasms; if you like, you can hold it in place with your free hand. It can also get forced out during orgasm, which is an okay way to remove it. But if it's big and stays in place, after he comes ask him to take a few deep breaths and let him know you're going to remove the plug on an exhale—then remove it on the second or third exhale.