The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys (6 page)

Cock rings add delightful constriction and tension to any blow job, and the resulting hardness from a well-applied ring makes the wearer's enjoyment readily apparent. This might be just the toy you need to make his orgasm one of the most intense he's ever had.

But some men really like vibrators, too. Choosing what to use on him during fellatio depends on what you have in mind. There are vibrators on the market for just about every scenario you can imagine, though in a pinch you can always use any type of vibe.

Men who like vibration have preferences as to how intense, where, and when in their pleasure cycle they like it. When you're not sure, ask him or have him show you. Generally speaking, vibration right on the head of his penis might feel too intense—popular spots where men like vibration are underneath the head, along the underside of the shaft (possibly at the base), and on his testicles (gently), perineum, or anus. Access to all these pleasure zones while you're going down on him is easiest when he's lying on his back. You can easily hold his penis in your mouth and vibrate the underside of the shaft, run the vibe over his balls, or push farther south if he's game. As with cunnilingus, you can use finger, bullet, and tongue vibes alternately as you suck and lick, or you can make them part of your licking, sucking, stroking finale.

Butt plugs, anal beads, and vibrators and dildos that are safe for anal penetration can all be seamlessly incorporated into your usual lovemaking and oral sex styles to add pleasure and make orgasm more intense. Anal penetration is one of those amazing things that connect you with your lover like nothing else, and it can be an incredible turn-on for both of you. With a dildo, plug, beads, or a vibrator up one or both of your asses, you enter into a realm of pleasure that's as deep for your sweetie as it becomes intensely intimate for both of you. And in some people, it's like hitting a pleasure switch—even the lightest touch on the outside of the anus sends some people straight to orgasm.

Discussing anal play before you try it is a must, unless you and your lover already have sexual adventure on the menu. Anal play for someone who's not ready for it can be very unsettling; don't guess how he or she might react, because for some people anal penetration is going too far. So, how do you add butt toys to sex and make it pleasurable? Follow the three golden rules: Go very slowly, listen to the person you're penetrating or touching, and use lots of lube.

Read the “Butt Play Basics” sidebar in chapter 2, First-Time Toys and Gifts, before you even
think
about getting started. Much like the vagina, the outer third of the anus (and in men, the prostate) contains more nerve endings than the anal canal and responds best to touch and vibration. The inner portion, inside the canal, has fewer nerve endings near the skin's surface and responds to feelings of fullness, pressure, and rhythm.

Squirt liberal amounts of lube onto any toy you use, and reapply frequently. You can use a vibrator to lightly circle the anus, never going inside, which may be all the stimulation your
lover needs to come. Or, insert a butt plug and keep it in place while you perform oral sex and bring your partner to orgasm at both ends; just don't leave it in for extended periods, or it will get uncomfortable. Chances are good that your lover's PC muscles will squeeze the plug out before they orgasm; if you like, you can hold the plug in place with your free hand. It can also get forced out during orgasm, which is an okay way to remove it. But if it's big and stays in place, after they come ask him or her to take a few deep breaths and let them know you're going to remove the plug on an exhale—then remove it on the second or third exhale.

Anal beads can give you thrills in a variety of ways, and experimentation leads the way to bliss. Some people like to insert the beads slowly, one at a time; others like to insert all of them and leave them in place while enjoying other sexual activities. The beads are usually pulled out before or at the moment of orgasm to heighten the sensation; they can be withdrawn deliciously slowly, or fast, like pulling an orgasmic rip cord.

Bullet and egg vibrators should only be used as external anal toys, and in no other way. Sure, some people claim that they can push these toys out of their ass at will, and it's common to see porn performers insert these toys into their anus and remove them with the cord or a quick squeeze of the sphincter muscles. But for every person practiced in the advanced yoga of sphincter control, there are dozens of people who have had embarrassing trips to the ER or made calls to crisis hotlines in desperation when one of these toys has gotten “lost” in the lower colon. I know; I've interviewed X-ray techs and ER orderlies and spoken with many crisis hotline operators who have fielded these calls. The toys are petite and smooth, so they're
oh-so-tempting to insert for gentle internal anal vibrations. But the smaller and more cordless they are, the worse idea it is to put them inside. No one wants a vibrator that won't shut off buzzing, out of reach, inside their anus. Use bullets, small vibes, and finger vibes to lightly trace around the anal opening for a delicious tease and turn-on; then use a slim plug or dildo for penetration. You can always hold the vibe to the plug when it's in place to transfer the vibration to the deeper regions.

K
inky sex toys don't just drop into your life like ripe fruit. You have to procure them—
after
having a decadently kinka-licious fantasy that turns you on so much that you want to make it come true, in a fierce way. Nothing “makes” you kinky, and it's not in your DNA—it's
desire
. When you have fantasies about being paddled, or binding and gagging a lover, or giving fuzzy handcuffs as a gift (with the hopes of using them), or just doing something fetishy and taboo with a forbidden sex prop, then it's time to shop for toys. The toys described in this chapter promise that one of you will give up erotic control and the other will take it—and this exciting, arousing exchange often involves captivity or bondage, and may even involve punishment, erotic pain, or submission. Or, you may find both sides of the equation exciting, and in the compelling world of kinky toys, you can have your fantasies come true in any way you like.

You don't need to be a bondage whiz or a whip expert, speak S/M scenester lingo, or know a famous dominatrix to add a kinky toy to your arsenal and make a fantasy come true. All you need
is an idea, a few safety tips, and some practical suggestions about shopping for the right gear. Many online retailers offer starter bondage kits, with quality that varies greatly. Avoid buying kinky toys from retailers who carry a lot of novelty toys (see chapter 1, Basic Models, and Care and Feeding of Your Toys, for a definition) to avoid ending up with cuffs that fall apart at your captive's first twitch. Instead, get your gear at places that specialize in kinky toys and have a good community reputation. They will have selected even their least expensive kits with care, and there you can find a basic setup with wrist and ankle bonds, a blindfold, and usually a little whip or a feather—all at an entry-level price.

 

Hundreds of erotic shopping options are available for buying bondage gear, from inexpensive steel handcuffs and nylon restraint kits, to ultradecadent leather-and-fur-lined locking cuffs, to exquisite lace-up arm binding (and body-binding) contraptions that look like haute couture. Deciding what you want is a matter of assessing what you might want to do, what you can afford, and how you visualize yourself (and your lover) in bondage—because bondage is just as much a visual turn-on as it is physically arousing.

After you decide what you both want, make sure everyone's on the same page and ensure that you'll both stay there by getting clear agreement that both of you want to do all these wonderful, wicked, deviously dirty things to each other. Make sure that everything regarding your mutual decisions to tie, bind, spank, whip, suck, and fuck is all crystal-clear, and don't deviate from those decisions unless they beg really, really nicely. Establish a “safeword” just in case things get a little too intense; decide on an unusual word that means “stop,” “slow down,” or “more, more!” Many people use stoplight colors, freeing up the more-instinctive words “stop” and “no” for moments of playful erotic protest.

Erotic bondage requires some kind of binding agent: ropes, metal handcuffs, leather cuffs, chains, or other items suitable for restraint. Silk scarves, neckties, and pantyhose look great
in the movies, but in reality make poor (and not very safe or effective) tie-downs. In general, anything that stretches or can create ultratight knots can cut off circulation or be difficult to undo—an arousal killer, for sure. Beginners will want to dip their toes into the bondage pool with something that's inexpensive and easy to use, and that offers plenty of options. Wrist bondage is where it all begins: handcuffs, nylon or leather cuffs, or rope. Never lay anyone on top of their own bound or handcuffed wrists; it's unpleasant and you can unwittingly do nerve damage. From wrist restraints, you can progress to ankles, and perhaps waist, thighs, and chest bondage (never bind anyone by the neck,
ever,
and never leave anyone in bondage alone, for safety's sake). You can while away your time, erotically teasing, tormenting, and satisfying your lover as they're tied to the bed, to themselves, or to a chair, cuffed, restrained spread-eagled, or anything else you can cook up. Add standard sex toys like vibrators and dildos to bondage for a
real
thrill ride. Role-play scenarios will offer lots of creative possibilities, such as medical fantasies involving bandages and medical-themed sex toys like butt plugs used as thermometers or vibrators used for “nerve response” testing. Jail fantasies might feature imaginary bars and cages, but real metal handcuffs. Animal scenes with collars, harnesses, and leashes will also involve erotic grooming with finger vibes, plus really kinky harnesses with insertable dildos.

Rope bondage is sexy and alluring and can look like a gorgeous work of art when completed. Also, with rope you can create some of the more functional, custom-made body harnesses around; this is when someone's bound in a constricting torso harness similar to a dog harness, giving the person in charge the ability to move the submissive around by rope “handles,”
bind genitals into the harness for intense sensations when the submissive moves about, or control the sub's movements by fastening their harness to something (like a leash or tie-downs).

Learn about tying and untying a few basic knots before you even get a rope near someone's body, and experiment in increments. Visit the website
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/knot
for a complete list of knots, as well as links to resources that tell how to tie them, including sites with video instructions in several formats. A great hands-on instruction book on basic knots is the
Klutz Book of Knots,
which comes with rope and firm cutout pages with instructions for learning all the basics. Knots you'll want to learn about are the square knot, hitch, loop knot, lark's head, cinch loop, and something called a “gi” knot.

Buy soft nylon rope, not cotton, which will stretch and you'll end up tying your knots too tight without knowing it—some rope bondage kits include some of the most dangerous rope to play with, proving that many novelty retailers don't have a clue about BDSM or safety. Get your rope from kinky sex toy retailers who know their stuff, or at the hardware store: a good start-up kit is four lengths of soft nylon rope, each 4 feet long, with masking tape wrapped around the ends to prevent fraying.

Confinement, servitude, and subjection all fall into captivity scenarios. Bondage, submission, and being on the receiving end of whatever the dominant dishes out are all the order of the day. With luck, your scenario involves some type of sex, and you may decide whether or not your scene involves pretend, previously agreed-on force or coercion. The person in charge might be doing it “for their own good,” as therapy—or might be forceful, “making” the submissive comply sexually—or might pretend to trade sexual favors for their silence.

Keep medical scissors handy in case your knots are too tight, your bondage is painful or cuts off circulation, or your lover needs to get out of whatever it is, fast. Tie a long colorful ribbon to your handcuff key so it's impossible to lose. And remember—if you restrain them in public, you'll probably wind up in jail.