Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (23 page)
Flavor pockets
Brother, I've made a lot of macaroni.
Yes, for a four-year period back in college I became a regular kitchen whiz at cracking open that flimsy cardboard box of
thin rock-hard noodles
, boiling them up to a perfect al dente, and stirring in that magical ratio of milk, butter, and pre-packed cheesy powder to get it
jusssssssst
right.
thin rock-hard noodles
, boiling them up to a perfect al dente, and stirring in that magical ratio of milk, butter, and pre-packed cheesy powder to get it
jusssssssst
right.
Now, everyone has their own slightly altered recipe for boxed macaroni. Some like it thin and milky while others prefer it
bright radioactive orange
. Some like butter, some margarine, and some love those handfuls of chopped-up weenies.
bright radioactive orange
. Some like butter, some margarine, and some love those handfuls of chopped-up weenies.
However, no matter how you whip up your noodly batch, I'm guessing you love biting into a surprise flavor patch of
undissolved cheesy powder
hidden amongst the creamy deliciousness. Yes, every time I scarf down a bowl, no matter how much stirring I've done, there's always that deliciously hidden
flavor pocket
waiting for me like an old friend.
undissolved cheesy powder
hidden amongst the creamy deliciousness. Yes, every time I scarf down a bowl, no matter how much stirring I've done, there's always that deliciously hidden
flavor pocket
waiting for me like an old friend.
Flavor pockets are
those delicious sweet spots
in the middle of your meal that suddenly explode like fireworks finales in your mouth. If you're with me here, then come on, let's go nuts and count down five of the finest:
those delicious sweet spots
in the middle of your meal that suddenly explode like fireworks finales in your mouth. If you're with me here, then come on, let's go nuts and count down five of the finest:
5.
The fat glob of guacamole hiding in your burrito.
When you're sitting in the cramped corner of a dusty Mexican joint, slowly peeling the tinfoil off your burrito, chomping at blackened chicken chunks, lime-seasoned rice, and salty pinto beans, it's an amazing feeling when you unearth a treasure trove of chunky guacamole from the dark, inner folds at the back. Note: Also applies to surprise sour cream squirts.
The fat glob of guacamole hiding in your burrito.
When you're sitting in the cramped corner of a dusty Mexican joint, slowly peeling the tinfoil off your burrito, chomping at blackened chicken chunks, lime-seasoned rice, and salty pinto beans, it's an amazing feeling when you unearth a treasure trove of chunky guacamole from the dark, inner folds at the back. Note: Also applies to surprise sour cream squirts.
4.
That one bright red chip coated in seasoning
. Clearly the factory foreman at the Dorito Plant fell asleep at his station and accidentally kicked an industrialsized tin of zesty barbecue onto the assembly line. Sure, materials costs shot up, the line was shut down for maintenance, and several union grievances were filed, but it all ended with you savoring a deliciously bright red salty and supersaturated chip.
That one bright red chip coated in seasoning
. Clearly the factory foreman at the Dorito Plant fell asleep at his station and accidentally kicked an industrialsized tin of zesty barbecue onto the assembly line. Sure, materials costs shot up, the line was shut down for maintenance, and several union grievances were filed, but it all ended with you savoring a deliciously bright red salty and supersaturated chip.
3.
The giant cookie dough chunk lost in a spoonful of ice cream.
Fancy ice cream is a frozen clump with swirling lumps of caramel ribbons, candy-coated pralines, and marshmallow globs. Yes, all those wacky tastes are stuck in there like Han Solo in a slab of carbonite, and it's up to you, the Luke Skywalker of the 7-Eleven bench, to grit your teeth, furrow your brow, and get digging to help them break free of their frozen shackles.
The giant cookie dough chunk lost in a spoonful of ice cream.
Fancy ice cream is a frozen clump with swirling lumps of caramel ribbons, candy-coated pralines, and marshmallow globs. Yes, all those wacky tastes are stuck in there like Han Solo in a slab of carbonite, and it's up to you, the Luke Skywalker of the 7-Eleven bench, to grit your teeth, furrow your brow, and get digging to help them break free of their frozen shackles.
2.
That one lettuce leaf completely drenched in Caesar dressing.
Mmmm, girl. The best part about sliding a creamy leaf of romaine down your throat is that the leafy green actually gets rid of some of the guilt. “I think this is what the doctor had in mind,” you say to your friends, while thick creamy dressing drips down your chin onto the tablecloth. “High in fiber!”
That one lettuce leaf completely drenched in Caesar dressing.
Mmmm, girl. The best part about sliding a creamy leaf of romaine down your throat is that the leafy green actually gets rid of some of the guilt. “I think this is what the doctor had in mind,” you say to your friends, while thick creamy dressing drips down your chin onto the tablecloth. “High in fiber!”
1.
The clump of brown sugar in anything home-baked
. This rare find gets top spot. Sometimes there's a secret glob of pure brown sugar in the peanut butter cookie, oatmeal muffin, or slice of banana bread at Grandma's house. Remember: Not even
the oven
could prevent this sugary jewel from succeeding in its lifelong quest to tantalize your taste buds.
The clump of brown sugar in anything home-baked
. This rare find gets top spot. Sometimes there's a secret glob of pure brown sugar in the peanut butter cookie, oatmeal muffin, or slice of banana bread at Grandma's house. Remember: Not even
the oven
could prevent this sugary jewel from succeeding in its lifelong quest to tantalize your taste buds.
Yes, flavor pockets are a nice little highlight in the middle of your meal. When those random bites surprise and delight, just close your eyes,
tip your head
, and savor every single molecule of flavor coating all the cracks and corners of your mouth.
tip your head
, and savor every single molecule of flavor coating all the cracks and corners of your mouth.
AWESOME!
The sound of snow crunching under your boots
Dim streetlights cast
blurry shadows
for your cold walk home.
blurry shadows
for your cold walk home.
Snow-packed mitts, floppy wool hat, and a drippy, sniffly nose cover your shuddery frame as you shuffle down
empty side streets
on your way to the cozy warmth of your waiting bed. Everything is an eerily pitch-perfect silence buried under a shadowy sheet of bright white. Pine trees sway softly,
Christmas lights flicker
, and the biting air ice-scrapes your frost-nipped nose.
empty side streets
on your way to the cozy warmth of your waiting bed. Everything is an eerily pitch-perfect silence buried under a shadowy sheet of bright white. Pine trees sway softly,
Christmas lights flicker
, and the biting air ice-scrapes your frost-nipped nose.
Somehow the solid crunch of your winter boots against the
packed road snow
fills the night with a relaxing and familiar sound that marks tiny little steps of progress toward cuddling up under warm blankets and falling deep asleep.
packed road snow
fills the night with a relaxing and familiar sound that marks tiny little steps of progress toward cuddling up under warm blankets and falling deep asleep.
Like pushing soft drink lid buttons, cracking frozen puddles, or popping a spoon in a jar of peanut butter, the sound of snow crunching under your
salty winter boots
scratches a primal itch that just feels so satisfying.
salty winter boots
scratches a primal itch that just feels so satisfying.
So stuff your hands in your pockets, curl your head to your chest, and crunch loud and
crunch proud
deep into the dark winter night.
crunch proud
deep into the dark winter night.
AWESOME!
Taking a break from shaving
I used to be
The Wolf Man
.
The Wolf Man
.
At least, that's what a big guy named Fletch used to call me in tenth-grade homeroom. He said it with a
hearty, bug-eyed giggle
while pinching and tugging the soft patches of thin hair extending from my ears to my collarbones.
hearty, bug-eyed giggle
while pinching and tugging the soft patches of thin hair extending from my ears to my collarbones.
Now, I wasn't just born The Wolf Man. No, I had to create the identity by first building up the guts to trim my thin, soft mustache and sideburns for the first time. That first shave was a nerve-wracking ordeal, with a fresh razor, a steamy mirror, too much lather, and
too much blood
.
too much blood
.
And I guess being around fifteen years old and new to this whole
slicing-the-hair-off-your-face-with-a-knife
thing, I didn't realize that you were supposed to get the whole
neck area
too. So I didn't get the neck area. I completely missed the neck area. So for a good couple of weeks, I walked around high school with a smooth, freshly shorn face and an
untamed, hairy neck area
.
slicing-the-hair-off-your-face-with-a-knife
thing, I didn't realize that you were supposed to get the whole
neck area
too. So I didn't get the neck area. I completely missed the neck area. So for a good couple of weeks, I walked around high school with a smooth, freshly shorn face and an
untamed, hairy neck area
.
Ar-ar-aroooooooo!
Once I got the hang of it a little while later there was a brief honeymoon phase where I actually enjoyed shaving. The Wolf Man walked in the bathroom and a few minutes later out popped a fifteen-year-old babyface wearing too much aftershave.
It took maybe six months before I got tired of the whole deal. And ladies, I'm guessing you're feeling the burn too since sliding a razor up and down your legs all the time sounds like even less fun.
Nowadays I'm running late before work wishing all my coworkers went in with three days of cheek fuzz. Other times I'm coming home on a Friday night and realizing I need to shave before heading out, so it's back to the bowl for me.
This is why it's great taking breaks from shaving.
Shaving breaks let us temporarily escape our civilized social norms and return to our beautifully hairy roots. Got a scraggly
weird beard
growing on the beach? That means you're officially relaxing. Rocking some hairy legs under the sweatpants? Just enjoying a cozy weekend in the middle of winter.
weird beard
growing on the beach? That means you're officially relaxing. Rocking some hairy legs under the sweatpants? Just enjoying a cozy weekend in the middle of winter.
Sometimes it's great to get away from it all, stop taking things too seriously, and smile and welcome back your inner Wolf Man.
When you get the chance just relax and enjoy those little moments of being your hairy self.
Ar-ar-aroooooooo!
AWESOME!
Getting the last piece of sleep out of your eye
I'm a mess in the morning.
Drool drips down my cheeks, my mouth
hangs open like a mailbox
, and my eyeballs roll around their sockets in slow motion. Hair scraped sideways, underwear bunched and twisted, I dry-swallow and slowly stumble out of bed while trying to form my first thoughts of the day.
hangs open like a mailbox
, and my eyeballs roll around their sockets in slow motion. Hair scraped sideways, underwear bunched and twisted, I dry-swallow and slowly stumble out of bed while trying to form my first thoughts of the day.
Inside my brain a tiny man is
feverishly working a broom
to sweep away all the dusty shards of dream residue so my conscious self can resume control. When he does, some rusty gears are crunched and I groggily shuffle to the bathroom where my
droopy, mashed-up face
greets me like a monster in the mirror.
feverishly working a broom
to sweep away all the dusty shards of dream residue so my conscious self can resume control. When he does, some rusty gears are crunched and I groggily shuffle to the bathroom where my
droopy, mashed-up face
greets me like a monster in the mirror.
It's a hideous sight.
Yes, I immediately notice there was a party in Dreamworld last night and those subconscious animals left my place a real mess. Strange puddles pool on counters,
squeezedup lemon wedges
fill the sink, and cigarette butts litter the balcony. Folks, I'm junked right out, my lips chapped with the corners cracked, my skin dry and flaking, and my mouth loaded with a big set of furry yellow teeth.
squeezedup lemon wedges
fill the sink, and cigarette butts litter the balcony. Folks, I'm junked right out, my lips chapped with the corners cracked, my skin dry and flaking, and my mouth loaded with a big set of furry yellow teeth.
Plus, to top it all off my eyes are
nearly glued shut
.
nearly glued shut
.
That's rightâgoop clogs the corners and fills tear ducts with their sharp n' drippy dregs. And let's be honest here: Those
eye boogies
will catch us if we're not careful, showing up unannounced at job interviews, big meetings, and first dates.
eye boogies
will catch us if we're not careful, showing up unannounced at job interviews, big meetings, and first dates.
We can't have that.
No, there's only one choice and that's to get digging, people. Cast your finger in the starring role of
shovel, rake, and wheelbarrow
and jam it right in there. Hard bits, sharp bits, gummy little squishy bits, just yank them all, with each tiny crumb giving you
a little pick-me-up
when you lift it up and pull it out.
shovel, rake, and wheelbarrow
and jam it right in there. Hard bits, sharp bits, gummy little squishy bits, just yank them all, with each tiny crumb giving you
a little pick-me-up
when you lift it up and pull it out.
Now that you can see again it's time to clean up the rest of the joint. Yes, with your eyes back in the game nothing can stop you now. So cue the shave,
cut to the shower scene
, and get ready to enjoy your big, beautiful day.
cut to the shower scene
, and get ready to enjoy your big, beautiful day.
AWESOME!
Picking things up with your feet
Embrace your inner monkey.
Dirty crumpled socks,
dropped Doritos
, rogue pen caps: We see you there. Yes, we see you right in the crosshairs of our toes and we're about to scoop you up with a good old fashioned foot scrunch.
dropped Doritos
, rogue pen caps: We see you there. Yes, we see you right in the crosshairs of our toes and we're about to scoop you up with a good old fashioned foot scrunch.
Bending over is overrated.
Picking things up with your feet is
AWESOME!
Interspecies action â figure wars
When I was a kid and played with
He-Man
guys or Transformers, there was always a time when the scale of whatever war I was waging grew beyond the number of figures I had from that set. This meant that I had to throw in other guys to pad the numbers to make sure everything was just fine.
He-Man
guys or Transformers, there was always a time when the scale of whatever war I was waging grew beyond the number of figures I had from that set. This meant that I had to throw in other guys to pad the numbers to make sure everything was just fine.
For example, He-Man would help
The Autobots
when Skeletor was bearing down on them with all his henchmen, some bad GI Joe guys, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, and a lone
Captain Planet
villain from a random aunt two birthdays ago.
The Autobots
when Skeletor was bearing down on them with all his henchmen, some bad GI Joe guys, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, and a lone
Captain Planet
villain from a random aunt two birthdays ago.
This also worked for tournaments, pile-ons, and no-holds-barred street races.
You knew the races were getting out of hand when a big
Tonka dump truck
started playing dirty and dumped a half-dozen
Micro Machines
on the carpet to run the Batmobile off the road.
Tonka dump truck
started playing dirty and dumped a half-dozen
Micro Machines
on the carpet to run the Batmobile off the road.
Sometimes my sister got in on it too.
If the
Decepticons
kidnapped Barbie, then Ken would jump on
My Little Pony
to try and rescue her. And if that didn't work, she'd be forced to wheel out the big guns.
Decepticons
kidnapped Barbie, then Ken would jump on
My Little Pony
to try and rescue her. And if that didn't work, she'd be forced to wheel out the big guns.
Yes, I'm talking about the
Cabbage Patch Kids
.
Cabbage Patch Kids
.
Oh sure, they were just stuffed dolls, but they were also four times the size of any of my action figures and had
really heavy faces
that were strong as steel. Basically, the game was over at that point because she'd capture all my men and just toss them in the
Easy-Bake Oven
.
really heavy faces
that were strong as steel. Basically, the game was over at that point because she'd capture all my men and just toss them in the
Easy-Bake Oven
.
And come on, wasn't there something great about those interspecies action-figure wars? Think back and remember sliding across carpets in your overalls,
making spitty sound effects
, and zooming your head into imagination worlds that were so fun, so real, and so
making spitty sound effects
, and zooming your head into imagination worlds that were so fun, so real, and so
AWESOME!
When you go out for lunch and come back to a way better parking spot
Sometimes there isn't much time for the
Lunchtime Scoot
.
Lunchtime Scoot
.
Whether it's during lunch period in senior year, between double shifts at the hospital, or wedged amongst meetings at the office, you've really got to get your move on and
get your groove on
if you're going to fill that belly while the clock's clicking.
get your groove on
if you're going to fill that belly while the clock's clicking.
And let's be honest, there's a lot of ground to cover. Rounding up the troops, picking a destination, getting to the car and driving somewhere, and then
ordering, eating, and paying for the meal
before scooping up the troops again and zipping back in time. I don't know about you, but in the office where I work some people are pros at pulling off the Lunchtime Scoot and others are in
way over their head
.
ordering, eating, and paying for the meal
before scooping up the troops again and zipping back in time. I don't know about you, but in the office where I work some people are pros at pulling off the Lunchtime Scoot and others are in
way over their head
.
Of course, the pros got their reputation by following a few basic rules.
First of all,
they leave early
. “Gotta beat the rush, gotta beat the rush,” they'll chant before cramming a carload over to the diner for 11:35 while the grill is still warming up. But hey, no lines, no traffic, and extra TLC for your
pastrami sandwich.
they leave early
. “Gotta beat the rush, gotta beat the rush,” they'll chant before cramming a carload over to the diner for 11:35 while the grill is still warming up. But hey, no lines, no traffic, and extra TLC for your
pastrami sandwich.
Secondly, they're big believers in the
Pee On Your Own Time (POYOT)
Principle. Remember when you were five and your parents made you go to the bathroom before leaving the house? The pros expect you to take care of your bathroom break on your own time, so you don't delay the Lunchtime Scoot in any way. Observe POYOT to score a repeat invite.
Pee On Your Own Time (POYOT)
Principle. Remember when you were five and your parents made you go to the bathroom before leaving the house? The pros expect you to take care of your bathroom break on your own time, so you don't delay the Lunchtime Scoot in any way. Observe POYOT to score a repeat invite.
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