Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (22 page)
Lastly, you give everyone else on the train some entertainment through the
Horse Race Bettor
effect. See, everyone else sees you walk onto the platform, bug your eyes out, and bolt into Super Businessman as you start your race. It's an adrenaline rush as they cheer you on. Will Dress and Running Shoes Lady squeeze between the newspaper boxes? Will Stroller Mom get her two-year-old up the escalator past Teenage Cell-Phone Mob? There is drama, there is tears, and there is cheering.
Horse Race Bettor
effect. See, everyone else sees you walk onto the platform, bug your eyes out, and bolt into Super Businessman as you start your race. It's an adrenaline rush as they cheer you on. Will Dress and Running Shoes Lady squeeze between the newspaper boxes? Will Stroller Mom get her two-year-old up the escalator past Teenage Cell-Phone Mob? There is drama, there is tears, and there is cheering.
People, when you frantically wave at the driver from fifty feet away,
leap across the platform
, or jump through those slowly closing doors, you made it. Stare up at your fellow passengers, take in a few deep breaths, and smile big with your sweaty face.
leap across the platform
, or jump through those slowly closing doors, you made it. Stare up at your fellow passengers, take in a few deep breaths, and smile big with your sweaty face.
You just won a gold medal in being
AWESOME!
When you drive from a rough road onto a smooth one
Cruising onto a fresh black road when you've been scraping on top of a rough one is a mighty fine feeling. When you get off that chopped-up construction meat or swerve out of
Pothole Alley
, your tires are loving you lots. And it's not just that:
Pothole Alley
, your tires are loving you lots. And it's not just that:
1.
Shhhh
. When you slip onto fresh road the background noise fades away and everyone realizes they can chat in a normal voice again. It's a nice, relaxing feeling, and it sort of makes your car feel more expensive, like you tossed down a fistful of bills at the dealership for some primo soundproofing upgrades.
Shhhh
. When you slip onto fresh road the background noise fades away and everyone realizes they can chat in a normal voice again. It's a nice, relaxing feeling, and it sort of makes your car feel more expensive, like you tossed down a fistful of bills at the dealership for some primo soundproofing upgrades.
2.
Gimme a break.
When you start cruising smooth it's like driving becomes a lot easier. You're no longer swerving past giant dirtholes on the way out of the cottage or being careful not to slip off the pebbly gravel edge beside the ditch. Thinking of giving both your arms a rest simultaneously? Now's a good time.
Gimme a break.
When you start cruising smooth it's like driving becomes a lot easier. You're no longer swerving past giant dirtholes on the way out of the cottage or being careful not to slip off the pebbly gravel edge beside the ditch. Thinking of giving both your arms a rest simultaneously? Now's a good time.
3.
Mechanic on duty.
I don't know about you, but sometimes when I'm on a rough stretch of road and my tires start to make that rawrrawrrawr sound, I convince myself that something's wrong with my car. I know, I know, I'm a real hypocardriac (
hey-ohhhhhh!
). But seriously, folks, doesn't it feel good when you drive onto a smooth road, perk your ears up, and realize nothing's wrong with your hunk of junk?
Mechanic on duty.
I don't know about you, but sometimes when I'm on a rough stretch of road and my tires start to make that rawrrawrrawr sound, I convince myself that something's wrong with my car. I know, I know, I'm a real hypocardriac (
hey-ohhhhhh!
). But seriously, folks, doesn't it feel good when you drive onto a smooth road, perk your ears up, and realize nothing's wrong with your hunk of junk?
Driving from a rough road onto a smooth one is a tiny gift to the road-weary. You don't know when it's coming, you don't know how long it'll last, but for a few fleeting moments you smile and relax in a quiet little meditation on wheels.
AWESOME!
Reuniting a sock from the Sock Orphanage Drawer with its freshly washed once-lost brother or sister
We don't know where you've been. We don't know how you got home. But come here and give us a hug, old friend.
We thought we lost you.
AWESOME!
When your roommate goes away for the weekend
Channel surf in your underwear, crank your embarrassing
dance music
, and let the crumb-covered dishes pile up without guilt. Because when you're splitting the bills, the thermostat, and a few hundred square feet, sometimes you just need some space.
dance music
, and let the crumb-covered dishes pile up without guilt. Because when you're splitting the bills, the thermostat, and a few hundred square feet, sometimes you just need some space.
AWESOME!
When your laptop or cell phone is just about to die but you manage to run and plug it in before it completely shuts off
Warning beeps and
flashing battery icons
try hard to get your attention.
flashing battery icons
try hard to get your attention.
To me they're like
death row prisoners
being escorted down a dim hallway with green ceramic tiles and cinder block walls. They're in baggy orange jumpsuits and shackles, hands behind their back, guards on both sides, just screaming for help before they're strapped to the chair.
death row prisoners
being escorted down a dim hallway with green ceramic tiles and cinder block walls. They're in baggy orange jumpsuits and shackles, hands behind their back, guards on both sides, just screaming for help before they're strapped to the chair.
“I want to live!!! Stop the insanity!!!”
Your heart aches but sometimes there's nothing you can do. You're in a bus on a long ride home or out at a restaurant for a birthday dinner. You forgot to plug them in before you left, so you stare helplessly as the
juice zaps their veins
, the lightbulb dims, and they go quiet and disappear into blackness. You sigh and toss them in your backpack or just hold their heavy, lifeless body in your hands, say some quiet words, and wipe away tears.
juice zaps their veins
, the lightbulb dims, and they go quiet and disappear into blackness. You sigh and toss them in your backpack or just hold their heavy, lifeless body in your hands, say some quiet words, and wipe away tears.
Other times you're the
pricey, hard-nosed attorney,
filing a last-minute appeal and rushing down to prison with courtsigned paperwork before someone flips the switch. You run into your apartment and plug it into the wall or borrow a friend's car adapter at the last second. At moments like this, there is a celebration as the charge icon flashes on, flashes strong, and breathes in new life.
pricey, hard-nosed attorney,
filing a last-minute appeal and rushing down to prison with courtsigned paperwork before someone flips the switch. You run into your apartment and plug it into the wall or borrow a friend's car adapter at the last second. At moments like this, there is a celebration as the charge icon flashes on, flashes strong, and breathes in new life.
AWESOME!
Puppy breath
Their tiny fresh breath has been scientifically designed to melt your heart.
AWESOME!
Carrying all the grocery bags in from the car in one giant trip
It's been a long afternoon.
Making a list, checking it twice, heading to the store for milk, bread, and rice.
Brother, let's face facts
:
When you finally wheel onto your slippery leaf-covered driveway with a trunk full of wet celery, rolling apples, and melting ice cream, all you wanna do is
finish the job quick.
:
When you finally wheel onto your slippery leaf-covered driveway with a trunk full of wet celery, rolling apples, and melting ice cream, all you wanna do is
finish the job quick.
It's time to put her in park and start
yanking
bag after bag from the trunk and holding them with every possible bagholding body part you got.
yanking
bag after bag from the trunk and holding them with every possible bagholding body part you got.
First grab the heavy bags of milk and potatoes with one hand and the
orange juice
and frozen lasagnas with the other. Then pile on the fruits, veggies, yogurts, and be careful with those eggs, careful with those eggs there. Now, while teetering awkwardly with
eight plastic bags
digging into your forearms, just grit your teeth and grab the final bag of bread and cold cuts with your left pinky while squeezing a giant bulk pack of toilet paper under your right armpit.
orange juice
and frozen lasagnas with the other. Then pile on the fruits, veggies, yogurts, and be careful with those eggs, careful with those eggs there. Now, while teetering awkwardly with
eight plastic bags
digging into your forearms, just grit your teeth and grab the final bag of bread and cold cuts with your left pinky while squeezing a giant bulk pack of toilet paper under your right armpit.
Now shut the trunk and lock the door using only your elbow, chin, and teeth.
Annnnnnnd ... you're good!
Oh sure, it's not very majestic, but it'll have to do because
there is no way
you're coming back out here again. No, you did your job and now it's time for your spouse and kids to fill the fridge and pantryâso just run in the door, toss the bags on the floor, and scream, “I'm back from the store!”
there is no way
you're coming back out here again. No, you did your job and now it's time for your spouse and kids to fill the fridge and pantryâso just run in the door, toss the bags on the floor, and scream, “I'm back from the store!”
AWESOME!
When you fold a piece of paper so it fits in the envelope perfectly
Lick and load, people.
Yeah, yeah, sure, we ain't sending out letters much these days but we both know there's the odd time you're forced to
fold n' crease
a piece of paper and snug it tightly into an envelope for some smoooooooth mailing.
fold n' crease
a piece of paper and snug it tightly into an envelope for some smoooooooth mailing.
Now, if you don't nail it properly you get a
fat wedge
sticking out the top of the envelope and are left with two horrible choices:
fat wedge
sticking out the top of the envelope and are left with two horrible choices:
1.
The Creasy Jungle.
This is where you unfold and refold your crinkly masterpiece. It's not ideal because there's no hiding your terrible folding skills and you end up with a messy envelope.
The Creasy Jungle.
This is where you unfold and refold your crinkly masterpiece. It's not ideal because there's no hiding your terrible folding skills and you end up with a messy envelope.
2.
The Fat Flabby Fold-Down.
This one's the postage equivalent of attempting an awkward twelvepoint turn when your parallel parking job ends up three feet from the curb. When you're rocking the fat flabby, you're bending that top crease backwards really tightly. This gives you a thick n' chunky wedge that barely squeezes in.
The Fat Flabby Fold-Down.
This one's the postage equivalent of attempting an awkward twelvepoint turn when your parallel parking job ends up three feet from the curb. When you're rocking the fat flabby, you're bending that top crease backwards really tightly. This gives you a thick n' chunky wedge that barely squeezes in.
Friend, let's be clear: There are issues.
But that's why it's great when you manage to fold that paper tightly and fold that paper rightly so your letter slip n' slides into the waiting envelope's mouth. When you nail it your eyes twinkle a tiny bit,
your smile curls at the lip
, and your swagger shakes at the hip, baby.
your smile curls at the lip
, and your swagger shakes at the hip, baby.
AWESOME!
When you're washing the car and it's hose time
Soapy sponging coats your clunker in a thick sheet of bubbly foam. When your brow is sweating and the sloshy pail is dripping all over the driveway, it's time to grab the hose and rinse the job away.
AWESOME!
When a stranger walks by and offers to take a picture of you and the person you're with
You and your
snugglepuss
are cuddling up together.
snugglepuss
are cuddling up together.
Maybe you're taking a romantic stroll in the park, leaning on the railing over a waterfall, or camping out at the airport before your big honeymoon flyaway.
It's times like this when one of you grabs the camera and starts taking pictures. Pout those lips,
tilt that neck
, and get into it. Then grab the camera and take pictures of your loved one too. Big toothy smile, casually distracted straightface, whatever the move you're just
freeze-framing
it forever.
tilt that neck
, and get into it. Then grab the camera and take pictures of your loved one too. Big toothy smile, casually distracted straightface, whatever the move you're just
freeze-framing
it forever.
Everything is rolling right along, everything's smooth sailing, until it eventually happens.
You want a couple shot.
Sure, first you try the awkward
cheek-to-cheek pose
that involves squeezing your faces together and holding the camera high in front of you with an outstretched arm. And that's not bad until you realize you're taking four pictures to get one that includes your forehead and there's no hope of getting a full-body shot. Nope, you're not getting a cute couple photo today.
cheek-to-cheek pose
that involves squeezing your faces together and holding the camera high in front of you with an outstretched arm. And that's not bad until you realize you're taking four pictures to get one that includes your forehead and there's no hope of getting a full-body shot. Nope, you're not getting a cute couple photo today.
OR ARE YOU?
It's a magical moment when a stranger walks by, notices your awkwardness, and chimes in with a quick “Hey, want me to take a picture of you two?” That's when you smile warmly and say sure, before delicately placing your fragile camera in their hands. The funniest part comes next when you teach them how to use it.
“Press this button.”
You know, like every other camera.
But honestly, thanks
Shutter Stranger
. Thanks for stopping for a minute to capture our good side. We may never see you again, we may never pay you back, but we want to give you a big shout-out today for your generous gift of capturing our little moment of
Shutter Stranger
. Thanks for stopping for a minute to capture our good side. We may never see you again, we may never pay you back, but we want to give you a big shout-out today for your generous gift of capturing our little moment of
AWESOME!
Vacuuming a dirty carpet and hearing all those tiny rocks go through the hose
Since we're lugging the
heavy vacuum
up from the basement, moving couches around, and getting the whole room smelling like hot dirt, it's mighty nice when those rattling
little pebbles
pipe up and let us know it was
alllllll
worth it.
heavy vacuum
up from the basement, moving couches around, and getting the whole room smelling like hot dirt, it's mighty nice when those rattling
little pebbles
pipe up and let us know it was
alllllll
worth it.
AWESOME!
Walking or riding your bike faster than cars sitting in traffic
Have you ever sat in a taxi in traffic?
Just tell me that's not frustrating. Your heart thump-thumps and your anxiety zooms sky-high while you stare at the
fluorescent red toll
slowly ticking upward. Sure, you know you shouldn't watch it, but you can't stop. You fixate your eyes on the tick-tocking numbers while your cab slowly inches forward through
tight city streets
, at rush hour, in construction, when it's raining.
fluorescent red toll
slowly ticking upward. Sure, you know you shouldn't watch it, but you can't stop. You fixate your eyes on the tick-tocking numbers while your cab slowly inches forward through
tight city streets
, at rush hour, in construction, when it's raining.
There is only one thing that can make this scene more frustrating and that is
watching some dude
walk faster than you on the sidewalk.
watching some dude
walk faster than you on the sidewalk.
Honestly, look at him, strutting his stuff, moseying down the street at breakneck speed while you pay top dollar for slower service. You may as well roll down the back window and
toss your wallet
in the sewer at this point. Yeah, steam's coming out your ears while your face turns red as a tomato.
toss your wallet
in the sewer at this point. Yeah, steam's coming out your ears while your face turns red as a tomato.
But for the faster-walking guy, it's a different story.
He just bops along and watches you sweat.
AWESOME!
The extra time you get when the clocks roll back
Bass thumping,
heart pumping
, joint jumping, it's a buzzing Saturday night on the dance floor.
heart pumping
, joint jumping, it's a buzzing Saturday night on the dance floor.
And nothing makes that party stronger or that
conga longer
than knowing
Daylight Savings Time
peels our clocks back an hour tonight and showers us all with some
free weekend
.
conga longer
than knowing
Daylight Savings Time
peels our clocks back an hour tonight and showers us all with some
free weekend
.
Yes, when you know
three in the morning
is going to spin back to two again, it's a Free Pass to go waste a perfect hour with friends. So squeeze in some more video games, order off the menu at Drive-Thru, or dance an extra dance with Grandma at the wedding, because we all know you'll get an extra hour of sleep anyway.
three in the morning
is going to spin back to two again, it's a Free Pass to go waste a perfect hour with friends. So squeeze in some more video games, order off the menu at Drive-Thru, or dance an extra dance with Grandma at the wedding, because we all know you'll get an extra hour of sleep anyway.
So after you spring forward don't forget to fall right back, y'all. 'Cause there's nothing as nice as living things twice.
AWESOME!
When someone holds your keys and wallet in their purse
Hey, nobody likes walking around with
big bulging pockets
. So today let's give thanks to the
Bag Ladies of the World
for their giant purses and free storage.
big bulging pockets
. So today let's give thanks to the
Bag Ladies of the World
for their giant purses and free storage.
AWESOME!
That feeling in your stomach when you go really high on the swings
Because now you're finally tall and can look down at the world below you. Gone are those constant views of ankles, coffee table legs, and your family cat's
hollow, piercing eyes
. Now you're zooming up and over gardens, sandlots, and your
baby brother's distant, fading cries
.
hollow, piercing eyes
. Now you're zooming up and over gardens, sandlots, and your
baby brother's distant, fading cries
.
Stomach gushing, adrenaline rushing, it's your first taste of the high life.
AWESOME!
Other books
Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich
Dark Companions by Ramsey Campbell
Fury on Sunday by Richard Matheson
Lennox by Craig Russell
Schoolmates by Latika Sharma
Reckless Secrets by Gina Robinson
Brightsuit MacBear by L. Neil Smith
The Lately Deceased by Bernard Knight
The Flames of Shadam Khoreh (The Lays of Anuskaya) by Beaulieu, Bradley
First Love (Complicated Love Book 1) by Heather Carver
