Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (9 page)
Okay, if you're going
up
, two of the classiest moves include:
up
, two of the classiest moves include:
1.
Roboto Man
. You're a straight-faced, mild-mannered Stairskipper 4000, an advanced prototype who skips steps nonchalantly and even does the triple step every so often. Robotos sometimes act super casual because they're quietly racing someone in the escalator beside them.
Roboto Man
. You're a straight-faced, mild-mannered Stairskipper 4000, an advanced prototype who skips steps nonchalantly and even does the triple step every so often. Robotos sometimes act super casual because they're quietly racing someone in the escalator beside them.
2.
Eager Beavers
. These are sweaty six-year-olds who just scarfed all their candy, businesswomen racing to catch the commuter train, or teenagers in ballcaps and baseball gloves running to the park. Eager beavers sometimes leap up two, three, four stairs at a time. Although it's in their best interest to avoid you, keep your eyes peeled for sharp elbows and sweat showers.
Eager Beavers
. These are sweaty six-year-olds who just scarfed all their candy, businesswomen racing to catch the commuter train, or teenagers in ballcaps and baseball gloves running to the park. Eager beavers sometimes leap up two, three, four stairs at a time. Although it's in their best interest to avoid you, keep your eyes peeled for sharp elbows and sweat showers.
Okay, if you're going
down
I recommend one of the following:
down
I recommend one of the following:
1.
The Tarzan
. Some lords of the jungle motor down the stairs and then plant their hands on the rail to swing themselves the rest of the way. We've all heard long tales of six, seven, even eight steps at once, but details are always fuzzy and hard to confirm. Still, if done well The Tarzan can be majestic. If done poorly, it can be ankle sprainy.
The Tarzan
. Some lords of the jungle motor down the stairs and then plant their hands on the rail to swing themselves the rest of the way. We've all heard long tales of six, seven, even eight steps at once, but details are always fuzzy and hard to confirm. Still, if done well The Tarzan can be majestic. If done poorly, it can be ankle sprainy.
2.
Cliff Jumpers
. This one's for pros only. This is just a huge, free-falling jump, generally on the way down to the basement to play video games. Hopefully you've got a padded cushion landing and don't crash through the wood veneer wall. There is no limit to the heights you can reach with this move.
Cliff Jumpers
. This one's for pros only. This is just a huge, free-falling jump, generally on the way down to the basement to play video games. Hopefully you've got a padded cushion landing and don't crash through the wood veneer wall. There is no limit to the heights you can reach with this move.
Jumping as many stairs as possible gets your blood flowing from
mini cardio workouts
throughout the day. For a few brief moments you transform from a gal on her way to biology class into an animal in the wild againâscaling mountains, skipping rivers, leaping off cliffs like you were born to do. Your ancestors did the dirty work for hundreds of thousands of years, so make sure you pay honor to your
primal roots
and caveman instincts whenever you jump some stairs.
mini cardio workouts
throughout the day. For a few brief moments you transform from a gal on her way to biology class into an animal in the wild againâscaling mountains, skipping rivers, leaping off cliffs like you were born to do. Your ancestors did the dirty work for hundreds of thousands of years, so make sure you pay honor to your
primal roots
and caveman instincts whenever you jump some stairs.
Jump up.
Jump down.
Jump forever.
AWESOME!
Screaming at characters in movies to do things
“No!”
“Don't, don't, don't.”
“Don't, he's behind the door.”
“Turn around!”
“Turn around, turn around, turn around!”
“Now kiss her, you idiot.”
AWESOME!
When your friends working in fast-food restaurants give you a little extra
Sure, sure, we're all honest people here.
You and me, we're driving the speed limit,
crossing at crosswalks
, and never double parking. But that doesn't mean we don't like bonus fries, extra-scoopy ice cream, or double cheese on our subs.
crossing at crosswalks
, and never double parking. But that doesn't mean we don't like bonus fries, extra-scoopy ice cream, or double cheese on our subs.
Hey, when that gal behind the smooth orange counter wearing the paper hat and
pin-striped shirt
is your pal from high school, it's time for a little extra whipped cream and chocolate sauce on that drippy ice cream sundae.
pin-striped shirt
is your pal from high school, it's time for a little extra whipped cream and chocolate sauce on that drippy ice cream sundae.
It's just the Fast-Food Workers' Pact.
AWESOME!
Wearing what you just bought out of the store
Sometimes those old, ratty sandals need to get buried. When sidewalk steps rattle your spine and walking to the store gives you
severe blackfoot
, it's time to go shopping.
severe blackfoot
, it's time to go shopping.
Next time you slide on that fresh new pair in the store, just pause for a second and look wistfully at the broken, smoothsoled flat ones in your hand. So many rainy nights, so many deck parties, so many quick trips for gas. Fight tears and
steady your lip
as you stare the teenage cashier square in the eye and say:
steady your lip
as you stare the teenage cashier square in the eye and say:
“Do you guys have a garbage can?”
AWESOME!
Finally peeing after holding it forever
It didn't used to be this way.
For hundreds of thousands of years our species peed freely,
whenever
, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles,
crossing ice bridges
, or having picnics in plains, it wasn't always pretty but when nature called, we answered.
whenever
, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles,
crossing ice bridges
, or having picnics in plains, it wasn't always pretty but when nature called, we answered.
Sadly, things are different now.
Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.
With our stadium seating,
boardroom meetings
, kids' soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didn't build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and
squat in the corner
. Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you could race to the pot?
boardroom meetings
, kids' soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didn't build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and
squat in the corner
. Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you could race to the pot?
Listen, I've been there too. Yes, it's always a tight squeeze,
with bouncing knees
and gritted teeth, but we accept this trade-off in exchange for living in our bright and modern
World of Pants
. And a world where everybody wears pants is great, don't get me wrong. It's just that it cramps our style sometimes.
with bouncing knees
and gritted teeth, but we accept this trade-off in exchange for living in our bright and modern
World of Pants
. And a world where everybody wears pants is great, don't get me wrong. It's just that it cramps our style sometimes.
That's why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. It's like millions of years of
animalistic need
bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms.
animalistic need
bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms.
It's the bathroom equivalent of a
primal scream
and it feels oh so incredibly
primal scream
and it feels oh so incredibly
AWESOME!
The night before a really big day
Stare at that ceiling.
Sweaty palms,
white knuckles
, deep breaths in bed.
white knuckles
, deep breaths in bed.
Maybe the ring's stowed away and
the reservations are made.
Maybe the results are coming in and everyone's coming over. Maybe you're buttoning down for a new job or
following your heart
and leaving an old one.
the reservations are made.
Maybe the results are coming in and everyone's coming over. Maybe you're buttoning down for a new job or
following your heart
and leaving an old one.
Moonlight shines in your window as excitement bubbles in your brain.
It's almost here.
AWESOME!
Finding the perfect patch of grass to sit on at the park
Here's how to find that magic grass:
1.
Dampness Double Check
. Nobody likes a wet bottom. Keep your backside dry by spying classic signs like slightly dipped areas or permanently shady patches. May also be worth tapping the ground to check with your hand or do a five-second Practice Sit, which involves sitting down and staring straight ahead while activating the cold, wet sensors in your sweatpants.
Dampness Double Check
. Nobody likes a wet bottom. Keep your backside dry by spying classic signs like slightly dipped areas or permanently shady patches. May also be worth tapping the ground to check with your hand or do a five-second Practice Sit, which involves sitting down and staring straight ahead while activating the cold, wet sensors in your sweatpants.
2.
Sticks and Stones
. They may break your bones, but more important they're no fun to sit on. Plus, they're a dangerous omen of protruding tree roots, prickly weeds, and grassless patches of hard dirt. Stay away.
Sticks and Stones
. They may break your bones, but more important they're no fun to sit on. Plus, they're a dangerous omen of protruding tree roots, prickly weeds, and grassless patches of hard dirt. Stay away.
3.
Temp Check
. On hot days you're looking for shady patches under tall trees, on cool days you're scoping sunny spots by the sandbox, and sometimes you can't decide so you search for that perfect square of half-and-half.
Temp Check
. On hot days you're looking for shady patches under tall trees, on cool days you're scoping sunny spots by the sandbox, and sometimes you can't decide so you search for that perfect square of half-and-half.
4.
Frisbee Lookout
. Some parks have a lot of activities going on. Shaggy-haired dudes in hemp necklaces and bare feet toss Frisbees, dads play catch with their kids, and tiny toddlers in T-shirts and diapers run around playing Chase The Dog or Run Till You Faceplant. If you're looking to relax, you've got to avoid this happy chaos.
Frisbee Lookout
. Some parks have a lot of activities going on. Shaggy-haired dudes in hemp necklaces and bare feet toss Frisbees, dads play catch with their kids, and tiny toddlers in T-shirts and diapers run around playing Chase The Dog or Run Till You Faceplant. If you're looking to relax, you've got to avoid this happy chaos.
Sometimes those sunny Saturday afternoons are just begging for a casual walk to your local park. Grab a coffee, throw the kids in a stroller, or walk a dog with friends. As that breeze blows by just close your eyes and enjoy a few quiet minutes of relaxing and soaking it all in.
AWESOME!
When you hit the point where you're comfortable farting around each other
I fart,
you fart
, he farts, she farts.
you fart
, he farts, she farts.
Let's not deny it, people. Farting is a regular, healthy, and hilarious part of life. Squeezing out big plumes of noxious gas doesn't always smell good, but it generally feels mighty fine.
Now think back for a second to the last time you heard a tiny baby pop out a
stinky heater
. I'm betting after they filled the air they just stared at you with a blank expression that seemed to say, “Yeah, it was me. So what?”
stinky heater
. I'm betting after they filled the air they just stared at you with a blank expression that seemed to say, “Yeah, it was me. So what?”
And maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe when your boyfriend's snuggling with you under the blanket and there's a few chirps from the back of his pants,
that's good.
Maybe when Grandpa leans back on his rocker and lets one rip during Sunday dinner,
that's good.
Maybe when your wife nonchalantly blasts one while barbecuing on the balcony,
that's good.
that's good.
Maybe when Grandpa leans back on his rocker and lets one rip during Sunday dinner,
that's good.
Maybe when your wife nonchalantly blasts one while barbecuing on the balcony,
that's good.
And maybe it's especially good when everyone laughs afterward.
Because hey, it just means we're comfortable being ourselves and relaxed enough to know farting is a natural and normal part of life. Nobody chooses farting as a hobby but it's part of what makes us human. Tuba scales,
silent stink bombs
, machine-gun blasts, whatever you're putting out there, that's fine, that's fine, that's perfectly fine.
silent stink bombs
, machine-gun blasts, whatever you're putting out there, that's fine, that's fine, that's perfectly fine.
Now, we're not advocating a world of
no limits
. There's nothing wrong with keeping some personal space either. After all, maybe you do your nose picking in the car, shower behind a curtain at the gym, or burp quietly into a fancy cloth napkin. If so, that's cool too.
no limits
. There's nothing wrong with keeping some personal space either. After all, maybe you do your nose picking in the car, shower behind a curtain at the gym, or burp quietly into a fancy cloth napkin. If so, that's cool too.
All we're saying is that if you get to the point where you're comfortable farting around each other, it means you're family, you're friends, or you're
completely in love
.
completely in love
.
So just relax and let it out.
AWESOME!
Walking into class and seeing a substitute teacher
Postpone the pop quiz,
lose the science lab
, ax the algebra lesson.
lose the science lab
, ax the algebra lesson.
Now's the time when
energy bolts
blast through brains as everybody revs up for forty-five minutes of whispering,
passing notes
, and tossing paper airplanes.
energy bolts
blast through brains as everybody revs up for forty-five minutes of whispering,
passing notes
, and tossing paper airplanes.
AWESOME!
Fully justifying whatever terrible thing you're eating
Let the grease glisten,
mayo drip
, and soda fizz.
mayo drip
, and soda fizz.
Here are three ways to make the magic happen:
1.
Veggie Validation.
My friend Mike is king of this move. “Gotta get my greens,” he'll say, while chomping dill pickles on the couch playing video games. “Carrots are good for you,” he'll smirk, while licking thick cream cheese icing off a moist brick of carrot cake. Remember: Anything with vegetables in it fully qualifies as potentially healthy. Now go relax and enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie with a side of onion rings.
Veggie Validation.
My friend Mike is king of this move. “Gotta get my greens,” he'll say, while chomping dill pickles on the couch playing video games. “Carrots are good for you,” he'll smirk, while licking thick cream cheese icing off a moist brick of carrot cake. Remember: Anything with vegetables in it fully qualifies as potentially healthy. Now go relax and enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie with a side of onion rings.
2.
Dumbbell Defense.
On the rare mornings I venture to the gym for a half-dozen sit-ups and some stretching in sweatpants, I always end up eating a tipsy mountain of nachos for dinner later in the day. “No worries,” I'll think with cheese-greasy fingers and salsa dripping down my chin. “I totally worked this off already.”
Dumbbell Defense.
On the rare mornings I venture to the gym for a half-dozen sit-ups and some stretching in sweatpants, I always end up eating a tipsy mountain of nachos for dinner later in the day. “No worries,” I'll think with cheese-greasy fingers and salsa dripping down my chin. “I totally worked this off already.”
3.
Vacation Breakin'.
When you go on holidays it's fun to free your stomach from the shackles of the kitchen. Slip into shades and shorts and start breaking the rules in the slow lane. Remember: Getting away from it all means putting your feet up and having a third sundae.
Vacation Breakin'.
When you go on holidays it's fun to free your stomach from the shackles of the kitchen. Slip into shades and shorts and start breaking the rules in the slow lane. Remember: Getting away from it all means putting your feet up and having a third sundae.
Yes, fully justifying whatever terrible thing you're eating is a beautiful eyes-wide moment of taste-based wonder. It's great ditching the guilt once in a while to enjoy a
crispyskinned wiener
on the sidewalk or a drippy Quarter Pounder after the bars on Friday night.
crispyskinned wiener
on the sidewalk or a drippy Quarter Pounder after the bars on Friday night.
People, we ain't
spinning on this rock
too long, so let's all remember to relax and just enjoy the extra scoop.
spinning on this rock
too long, so let's all remember to relax and just enjoy the extra scoop.
AWESOME!
When you get the scissors at that perfect angle where it slices through wrapping paper with no effort from you
I'm a terrible gift wrapper.
Yes, I'm the guy who cuts off too much paper,
overtapes the ends
, and realizes when I think I'm done that the corner of the present is still visible so I've got to add random patches of paper from rogue scraps off the floor.
overtapes the ends
, and realizes when I think I'm done that the corner of the present is still visible so I've got to add random patches of paper from rogue scraps off the floor.
I'm a sharp-n-sticky,
tape-n-scissors disaster
sitting in a hunched-over clump on the family room carpet with squashed bows and twisted ribbons scattered all around me.
tape-n-scissors disaster
sitting in a hunched-over clump on the family room carpet with squashed bows and twisted ribbons scattered all around me.
Honestly, the only time I'm on top of my game is when I manage to snip my scissors into the paper at
that perfect angle
where it just glides across the sheet in one beautiful sweeping slice.
that perfect angle
where it just glides across the sheet in one beautiful sweeping slice.
That's when I suddenly ditch my incompetence for a beautifully brief moment of gift-wrapping
AWESOME!
Becoming a regular somewhere
Come on in.
We all know that being a regular doesn't just happen overnight. No, it's more like softly falling into a slow romance with a new friend ...
Stage 1: The First Glance.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and they're all eager for your attention, but you slowly pick one out. Maybe it's the big coffee cups, the wrinkly newspapers on the counter, or the late night hours that keep it open when you can't sleep. Something made this coffee shop stand out and you felt at home right away.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and they're all eager for your attention, but you slowly pick one out. Maybe it's the big coffee cups, the wrinkly newspapers on the counter, or the late night hours that keep it open when you can't sleep. Something made this coffee shop stand out and you felt at home right away.
Stage 2: They Like You Too
. Slowly your favorite spot gets more and more of your time. You were a bit of a coffee shop tramp before this, dashing through drive-thrus and grabbing quickies from the vending machine in the cafeteria. But without realizing it, you've started giving this new place your time ... and they noticed. One day you see the server crack a little smile when you walk in and give a quick nod before you place your order.
. Slowly your favorite spot gets more and more of your time. You were a bit of a coffee shop tramp before this, dashing through drive-thrus and grabbing quickies from the vending machine in the cafeteria. But without realizing it, you've started giving this new place your time ... and they noticed. One day you see the server crack a little smile when you walk in and give a quick nod before you place your order.
Stage 3: The First Date
. Suddenly the cold market forces warm into a little cloud of human connection. It's the same guy behind the counter but now there's recognition and an opening line. Maybe “Did you like the extra nutmeg in your cappuccino yesterday?” or “Blueberry scone, extra butter, right?” or “I think I saw you playing downtown yesterday. Brian, was it?” When your coffee shop puts itself out there, make sure you accept it with open arms. “That's what it was? Delicious!” “Yeah, not that I need it!” or “Oh cool, do you hang out there often?” will do.
. Suddenly the cold market forces warm into a little cloud of human connection. It's the same guy behind the counter but now there's recognition and an opening line. Maybe “Did you like the extra nutmeg in your cappuccino yesterday?” or “Blueberry scone, extra butter, right?” or “I think I saw you playing downtown yesterday. Brian, was it?” When your coffee shop puts itself out there, make sure you accept it with open arms. “That's what it was? Delicious!” “Yeah, not that I need it!” or “Oh cool, do you hang out there often?” will do.
Stage 4: The Courtship
. Now you start smiling and taking care of each other. You've got exact change ready to go, the server's got your cappuccino with extra nutmeg. Head nods replace verbal orders and you smirk and smile together at other customers, kind of like you're behind the counter too. There's some nervous anticipation when you walk in the door: Who will be working the espresso machine this morning? Will they still have the Sports section? Will the cookies be warm?
. Now you start smiling and taking care of each other. You've got exact change ready to go, the server's got your cappuccino with extra nutmeg. Head nods replace verbal orders and you smirk and smile together at other customers, kind of like you're behind the counter too. There's some nervous anticipation when you walk in the door: Who will be working the espresso machine this morning? Will they still have the Sports section? Will the cookies be warm?
Stage 5: The Living Together
. You fall into a warm and cozy comfort that's beyond words. Hellos and how-are-yous fade into chats about whether you should get a dog or advice on dealing with a new boss. You get your order your way, right away, every time, and sometimes even skip the line. You start sharing tables and newspapers with other regulars and making little jokes with them like “Oh, you always beat me on Saturdays!” You're now in the cozy zone of the inner circle. Welcome to paradise.
. You fall into a warm and cozy comfort that's beyond words. Hellos and how-are-yous fade into chats about whether you should get a dog or advice on dealing with a new boss. You get your order your way, right away, every time, and sometimes even skip the line. You start sharing tables and newspapers with other regulars and making little jokes with them like “Oh, you always beat me on Saturdays!” You're now in the cozy zone of the inner circle. Welcome to paradise.
Stage 6: The Almost-Breakup
. The change happens quick and it jars you senseless. Maybe your favorite cashier moves away for school or the shop closes for three weeks for major renovations. The shock hits you hard but you resolve to get through it. Maybe you decide this is just what you needed to keep things fresh, so you dig deep and change yourself. Suddenly you're getting black coffee instead of lattes, getting to know the new cashier, and loving those new paper towel dispensers in the bathroom.
. The change happens quick and it jars you senseless. Maybe your favorite cashier moves away for school or the shop closes for three weeks for major renovations. The shock hits you hard but you resolve to get through it. Maybe you decide this is just what you needed to keep things fresh, so you dig deep and change yourself. Suddenly you're getting black coffee instead of lattes, getting to know the new cashier, and loving those new paper towel dispensers in the bathroom.
Stage 7: The Future
. Time moves by and things change but your souls remain connected. Sometimes you think about the past: Remember when they got new chairs? Or the time the power went out and they gave away cake? You've been through so much together that
you've actually become
part of the place. You helped set up their Internet, fixed the wobbly table, and co-invented the chocolate chip peanut butter cookie.
. Time moves by and things change but your souls remain connected. Sometimes you think about the past: Remember when they got new chairs? Or the time the power went out and they gave away cake? You've been through so much together that
you've actually become
part of the place. You helped set up their Internet, fixed the wobbly table, and co-invented the chocolate chip peanut butter cookie.
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