Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (5 page)
We smiled and laughed because it was clear these movies really do hold a special place in our hearts.
Maybe you're glued to the screen waiting for the redemption in
Shawshank
, nervous for the courtroom drama in
My Cousin Vinny
, or eager for the final Quidditch match in
Harry Potter
.
Shawshank
, nervous for the courtroom drama in
My Cousin Vinny
, or eager for the final Quidditch match in
Harry Potter
.
But no matter what, watching your glue movie is like hanging out with an old friend who pops by for an unexpected visit. After you pour a drink and settle into your
couch dent
, the memory pops and nostalgia drops start sparking and sizzling in your brain. Suddenly you're reminded of drives to the mall in mom's minivan, crashing on basement couches with friends, or sharing old faves with a new flame.
couch dent
, the memory pops and nostalgia drops start sparking and sizzling in your brain. Suddenly you're reminded of drives to the mall in mom's minivan, crashing on basement couches with friends, or sharing old faves with a new flame.
So get stuck in your glue movies and just enjoy them, everybody.
They'll be yours forever.
AWESOME!
Watching cream go into coffee
Swirling seas of milky white twist and twirl like
strange and distant galaxies
in the far corners of outer space. As you grab a rushed coffee break in the chatty workplace cafeteria or cutlery-clinking dining hall, just stare deeply into your chipped ceramic
telescope
and enjoy the two-second escape from reality to watch those floating clouds mix and melt deep into the swirling darkness.
strange and distant galaxies
in the far corners of outer space. As you grab a rushed coffee break in the chatty workplace cafeteria or cutlery-clinking dining hall, just stare deeply into your chipped ceramic
telescope
and enjoy the two-second escape from reality to watch those floating clouds mix and melt deep into the swirling darkness.
AWESOME!
When the hiccups stop
How do you get rid of a bad case of
The Hics
?
The Hics
?
Brother, I don't know about you, but in my neck of the woods it's all about the
junk science techniques
. Yes, when your diaphragm starts spazzing, it's time to keep cool, keep calm, keep collected, and try one of these:
junk science techniques
. Yes, when your diaphragm starts spazzing, it's time to keep cool, keep calm, keep collected, and try one of these:
1.
The Backwards Sip.
Tilt your chin to your chest and drink upside down from the wrong side of a glass of water. Wet bangs, stinging eyes, and a drippy forehead mean you did it right.
The Backwards Sip.
Tilt your chin to your chest and drink upside down from the wrong side of a glass of water. Wet bangs, stinging eyes, and a drippy forehead mean you did it right.
2.
Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice.
Some people say eating a spoonful of sugar or gargling with sugar water helps. Hey, any cure that sounds delicious works for me, so I say give it a shot. While you're at it, try scarfing a couple Kit-Kats for that bum knee and chugging a few cans of Coke for that eyelash stuck in your eye.
Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice.
Some people say eating a spoonful of sugar or gargling with sugar water helps. Hey, any cure that sounds delicious works for me, so I say give it a shot. While you're at it, try scarfing a couple Kit-Kats for that bum knee and chugging a few cans of Coke for that eyelash stuck in your eye.
3.
The Surprise Attack
. This is when you think someone scaring you will frighten the hiccups away. Of course, popping a paper bag behind you or clapping in your ear isn't going to cut it. No, this only works when somebody shoves you off a tall skyscraper ledge onto a properly rigged-up safety net forty stories below.
The Surprise Attack
. This is when you think someone scaring you will frighten the hiccups away. Of course, popping a paper bag behind you or clapping in your ear isn't going to cut it. No, this only works when somebody shoves you off a tall skyscraper ledge onto a properly rigged-up safety net forty stories below.
4.
The Deep-Sea Diver.
Fill your lungs up, pop your belly out, and hold your breath as long as possible. If all goes according to plan, your face will look hilarious to all your friends.
The Deep-Sea Diver.
Fill your lungs up, pop your belly out, and hold your breath as long as possible. If all goes according to plan, your face will look hilarious to all your friends.
Now, come on, let's face facts: None of these usually works so you're stuck pulling off
The Annoying Wait
. You think they're gone, but they're not, and then you think they're gone again, but then they're actually not again, and then you think they're really gone for sure this time.
The Annoying Wait
. You think they're gone, but they're not, and then you think they're gone again, but then they're actually not again, and then you think they're really gone for sure this time.
And then they actually are.
And in that beautiful moment you just stare up at everybody around you with a sweaty face, tired eyes, and a slow smile curling onto your face. Because when the hiccups finally stop, it's a giant swooshing sensation of sweet relief and a great big moment of
AWESOME!
Finding something you lost a long time ago after you already gave up looking for it
It happened late one night.
Cruising down the highway, heading home from the airport, my friend Shiv absentmindedly rifled through my passenger-side door full of old computer-printed directions,
parking stubs
, and cracked jewel cases.
parking stubs
, and cracked jewel cases.
“What's this?” she asked, popping open a flimsy case and pulling out a dusty, scratched-up mix CD. “It just has the date marked on it with a Sharpie. Uh, let's see, what happened on November 8, 2008?”
“No way!” I said, glancing to my side and seeing one of my favorite mixes ever, which I thought I lost two years ago. My mind suddenly flashed back to
late summer nights
zooming up the highway to my parents' place listening to those tunes after long nights with lost loves ...
late summer nights
zooming up the highway to my parents' place listening to those tunes after long nights with lost loves ...
But isn't it always like that?
Finding something you lost long ago after you gave up looking for it is such a great high because you already lived through the emotions:
Phase 1: The Alarm.
This is when your sunglasses or bus pass first go missing. It hits you like a rubber mallet to the forehead when you first realize it's gone. Poof, just like that, as if your digital watch or favorite pen grew legs and bolted out of town.
This is when your sunglasses or bus pass first go missing. It hits you like a rubber mallet to the forehead when you first realize it's gone. Poof, just like that, as if your digital watch or favorite pen grew legs and bolted out of town.
Phase 2: The Search.
Next you organize the neighbors and head into the foggy night holding lanterns and pitchforks and linking elbows while you comb the cornfields until dawn. The next few days are a blurry haze of sleepless nights as you lie on a blanket on the damp riverbank watching the police boats drag the bottom for clues.
Next you organize the neighbors and head into the foggy night holding lanterns and pitchforks and linking elbows while you comb the cornfields until dawn. The next few days are a blurry haze of sleepless nights as you lie on a blanket on the damp riverbank watching the police boats drag the bottom for clues.
Phase 3: The Grieve.
The trawler nets can't locate your cell phone or favorite glittery lip gloss so you're forced to face facts and come to grips with reality. It's gone, gone, gone like the wind, and now all that remains are long rambly stories late at the bar and lonely nights sobbing into your pillow.
The trawler nets can't locate your cell phone or favorite glittery lip gloss so you're forced to face facts and come to grips with reality. It's gone, gone, gone like the wind, and now all that remains are long rambly stories late at the bar and lonely nights sobbing into your pillow.
People, I know it hurts, but we've all been there.
After you've lost, searched, and come up empty, you move on. Time helps,
distance helps
, but the memories never disappear. You try downloading songs from the mix tape and piecing them back together, and you buy a new digital camera with an
empty memory card
to replace the one you lost with a full one.
distance helps
, but the memories never disappear. You try downloading songs from the mix tape and piecing them back together, and you buy a new digital camera with an
empty memory card
to replace the one you lost with a full one.
But it's just never the same.
... until one day
... a long time later
... when you least expect it
... the thing you lost comes back!
... a long time later
... when you least expect it
... the thing you lost comes back!
Yes, while unzipping the
side pocket of your travel bag
you suddenly spot the diamond earrings that went missing after your cousin's wedding four years ago. While reaching into the bowels of your
messy trunk
looking for a flashlight, you suddenly tug on a
sweatshirt sleeve
that's been buried under a set of golf clubs since summer. And after you slim down and toss on the sassy blazer you wore to prom, guess what's hanging out in that inside pocket? Brother, it's your
crumpled tie
or that wind-up disposable camera with half the film used up from the big night.
side pocket of your travel bag
you suddenly spot the diamond earrings that went missing after your cousin's wedding four years ago. While reaching into the bowels of your
messy trunk
looking for a flashlight, you suddenly tug on a
sweatshirt sleeve
that's been buried under a set of golf clubs since summer. And after you slim down and toss on the sassy blazer you wore to prom, guess what's hanging out in that inside pocket? Brother, it's your
crumpled tie
or that wind-up disposable camera with half the film used up from the big night.
When this happens, your eyes pop and
your jaw drops
because you can hardly believe you're seeing your old friend's face right in front of you again. Chills rocket up your spine, love sucker-punches your chest, and
big salty tears
well in the corners of your eyes before streaming like hot rivers down your chubby cheeks.
your jaw drops
because you can hardly believe you're seeing your old friend's face right in front of you again. Chills rocket up your spine, love sucker-punches your chest, and
big salty tears
well in the corners of your eyes before streaming like hot rivers down your chubby cheeks.
You laugh, sniffle, and shake your head before giving the person beside you a big hug and smiling up at the world. Clouds part,
bugles blare
, and everything suddenly fills up with the giant swelling sensation of
bugles blare
, and everything suddenly fills up with the giant swelling sensation of
AWESOME!
Riding home with a box of pizza on your lap
Pepperoni fumes fill the air as mom swerves and curves you home. Yes, that
hot bulky square
of cardboard filled with bubbling mozzarella heats your legs and gets your stomach rumbling for a delicious dinner that nobody needs to cook.
hot bulky square
of cardboard filled with bubbling mozzarella heats your legs and gets your stomach rumbling for a delicious dinner that nobody needs to cook.
AWESOME!
Picking the fastest â moving line at the grocery store checkout
You can do it.
Motor around filling your basket with food before spying the checkouts and picking your poison. Here's five tips for living life in the fast lane:
1.
Skip your greens.
Stay away from carts full of strange produce. Anyone with tiny bags of cilantro or parsley is a guaranteed slowdown because they'll force cashiers to look up codes.
Skip your greens.
Stay away from carts full of strange produce. Anyone with tiny bags of cilantro or parsley is a guaranteed slowdown because they'll force cashiers to look up codes.
2.
Saving spaces, angry faces.
Watch out for the single guy holding a cake. Sure, he may look like a quick checkout, but he also could be saving a spot for a big-wheeling partner who's about to cruise around the corner with a stuffed cart. If he's glancing around nervously, avoid the line.
Saving spaces, angry faces.
Watch out for the single guy holding a cake. Sure, he may look like a quick checkout, but he also could be saving a spot for a big-wheeling partner who's about to cruise around the corner with a stuffed cart. If he's glancing around nervously, avoid the line.
3.
Bag the bagger.
I hate to break it to you but you're terrible at bagging. Sorry, but look at youâwedging frozen peas beside fresh bread, setting potatoes on eggs, making one bag really heavy and one bag really light. No, you've got to leave bagging to the pros. Make sure you grab a line with a bagger to get the job done right.
Bag the bagger.
I hate to break it to you but you're terrible at bagging. Sorry, but look at youâwedging frozen peas beside fresh bread, setting potatoes on eggs, making one bag really heavy and one bag really light. No, you've got to leave bagging to the pros. Make sure you grab a line with a bagger to get the job done right.
4.
Take a flyer on the flyer
. Customers holding dog-eared flyers are probably going to ask questions or slowly tear out coupons. Just remember this handy line: “Flyer in tow? That line is slow.” Amen, sing it to your mama.
Take a flyer on the flyer
. Customers holding dog-eared flyers are probably going to ask questions or slowly tear out coupons. Just remember this handy line: “Flyer in tow? That line is slow.” Amen, sing it to your mama.
5.
Mo' cashiers, mo' problems
. We're looking for quick hands, firm credit card swiping, and purposeful change drawer slamming in cashiers. Avoid lanes with two of them because one's in Training Mode. Support their development silently and catch them when they've learned how to double-bag.
Mo' cashiers, mo' problems
. We're looking for quick hands, firm credit card swiping, and purposeful change drawer slamming in cashiers. Avoid lanes with two of them because one's in Training Mode. Support their development silently and catch them when they've learned how to double-bag.
Yes, picking the fastest-moving line at the grocery store is such a great high. When you get it right, you're like the
undercover cop
of the storeâspying on customers,
eyeballing cashiers
, and swooping in smartly to get the job done in style.
undercover cop
of the storeâspying on customers,
eyeballing cashiers
, and swooping in smartly to get the job done in style.
AWESOME!
Getting a hug from someone you didn't know you were in a hug relationship with
My dad's a side hugger.
When I go see him at my parents' place in the burbs, I usually go in for a quick hello or handshake when I'm popping in the door. But my dad's a
slippery senior
and he always scoots sideways to squeeze my shoulder, bump hips, and smile his soft, goofy smile through
thick boxy glasses
just to tell me he's happy I'm here.
slippery senior
and he always scoots sideways to squeeze my shoulder, bump hips, and smile his soft, goofy smile through
thick boxy glasses
just to tell me he's happy I'm here.
Now, the funny thing about my dad's side hugging is that it's pretty much his only greeting for everybody. Hello! You're getting a side hug. Goodbye! You're getting a side hug. Neighbors, nephews, nobodies: Don't matter who you are,
don't matter why you're here
, you're getting a side hug. My dad upgrades everybody to side hugs and he's proud of it.
don't matter why you're here
, you're getting a side hug. My dad upgrades everybody to side hugs and he's proud of it.
I like watching people's faces when they realize their handshake is mutating before their eyes. Sure, they go for the shake, but my dad suddenly scoots sideways before they know it. When that handshake changes, I notice their face changes too. It goes from a polite thin-lipped smile and eyebrow raise to a
full-on toothy grin
. They relax and dissolve into the moment for a second and let the power of touch and
hallway love
remind them that we're all pretty close out there and, come on, we're all in this big thing together.
full-on toothy grin
. They relax and dissolve into the moment for a second and let the power of touch and
hallway love
remind them that we're all pretty close out there and, come on, we're all in this big thing together.
Getting a hug from someone you didn't know you had a hug relationship with reminds you somebody cares about you. Sometimes it's good to skip the high fives and handshakes.
Sometimes ... it's just good to hug.
AWESOME!
That one person who laughs when you tell a really bad joke
This is also known as
The Pity Laugh
and it somehow manages to save your terrible joke from being a complete bomb. See, now you didn't serve up a dud that hit dead air. No, no, your humor is just a little
highbrow
and hard to understand, that's all.
The Pity Laugh
and it somehow manages to save your terrible joke from being a complete bomb. See, now you didn't serve up a dud that hit dead air. No, no, your humor is just a little
highbrow
and hard to understand, that's all.
AWESOME!
Letting go of the gas pump perfectly so you end on a round number
I hate $19.98.
When I'm pumping my car full of some sweet-smelling gasoline, I always get tense when I'm
two cents
away from a nice, round number. Maybe I've got a
twenty-dollar bill
in my pocket or maybe I'm throwing it on a credit card. Either way, I just can't be that satisfied with a $20.01 pump. If I hit $20.03 or $20.04, it's like I wasn't even paying attention. Call me
Slow Hands
at that point, because I clearly have no idea what I'm doing.
two cents
away from a nice, round number. Maybe I've got a
twenty-dollar bill
in my pocket or maybe I'm throwing it on a credit card. Either way, I just can't be that satisfied with a $20.01 pump. If I hit $20.03 or $20.04, it's like I wasn't even paying attention. Call me
Slow Hands
at that point, because I clearly have no idea what I'm doing.
But if the opposite happens, if I tap that handle ever so sweetly and let a
little thimble
of gasoline drip into my tank so the numbers curl up to twenty bucks even, then it's time to high five the passengers, call the papers, and get ready for a beautifully changeless transaction.
little thimble
of gasoline drip into my tank so the numbers curl up to twenty bucks even, then it's time to high five the passengers, call the papers, and get ready for a beautifully changeless transaction.
For a split second you transform.
Gone is mom driving the kids home from ballet, gone is the
pizza driver
doing a quick fill before midnight, gone is the suit pumping a fast one before riding the expressway to the office downtown.
pizza driver
doing a quick fill before midnight, gone is the suit pumping a fast one before riding the expressway to the office downtown.
Gone, gone, they're all just gone.
People driving by will squint at those pumps and swear they noticed something. Kids staring out the back of the
station wagon
will turn to each other and drop their jaws. Later on, newspaper reporters will write down eyewitness accounts from old folks on the porch across the street. “It must have been my imagination,” they'll say. “But I swear I saw someone dressed all in black.”
station wagon
will turn to each other and drop their jaws. Later on, newspaper reporters will write down eyewitness accounts from old folks on the porch across the street. “It must have been my imagination,” they'll say. “But I swear I saw someone dressed all in black.”
If you let go of the gas pump at just the right moment, they're talking about you.
Because you are
The Pump Ninja
.
The Pump Ninja
.
AWESOME!
Finding a parking spot right at the front of the mall just before Christmas
I'm a terrible parker.
Yes, I'm the guy who does a
five-point turn
to get into the spot and a twenty-second slow-mo reverse to get out. I'm the one bumping your bumper at the
speed of sloth
and the one craning my neck wildly to make sure our mirrors don't smash when I pull up beside you.
five-point turn
to get into the spot and a twenty-second slow-mo reverse to get out. I'm the one bumping your bumper at the
speed of sloth
and the one craning my neck wildly to make sure our mirrors don't smash when I pull up beside you.
Since I know my limits behind the wheel I usually head straight for the farthest parking spot in the lot. I'm fine parking under the dim lamp by the
swampgrass
because for me it means no parking stress and no parking problems. I'm alone in my empty parking zone, baby.
swampgrass
because for me it means no parking stress and no parking problems. I'm alone in my empty parking zone, baby.
Now, when that mall's busy and bumping it's another story.
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