Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (4 page)
Everything slowly and slowly builds and builds to a bigger and bigger feeling of tension and pain ... ... until he finally just zooms off into the distance, never to be heard from again.
AWESOME!
When you learn a new word and then suddenly start seeing it everywhere
You know how it goes: something weird like
coagulate
,
vexed
, or
perforated
leaps into your temporal lobe and wedges itself there tightly, grabbing a beer,
putting its feet up
, making itself at home.
coagulate
,
vexed
, or
perforated
leaps into your temporal lobe and wedges itself there tightly, grabbing a beer,
putting its feet up
, making itself at home.
But then soon magazine articles are zooming the word up to your eyeballs, your college professor is
dropping it in lectures
, and you see it hanging strangely coagulate in the middle of a random book.
dropping it in lectures
, and you see it hanging strangely coagulate in the middle of a random book.
“I never knew that word before,” you think, “but now it's following me around.”
See, the
Lords of Language
know you well. They gotta repeat things to seal in the learning. So when it happens just enjoy that personal thrill,
feel the connection crackle
, and smile and nod because you just got a little bit smarter and a lot more
Lords of Language
know you well. They gotta repeat things to seal in the learning. So when it happens just enjoy that personal thrill,
feel the connection crackle
, and smile and nod because you just got a little bit smarter and a lot more
AWESOME!
When the dog's really excited you're back home
Greasy forehead, sore ankles, and a dull headache cap your
traffic-jammy
ride home from a long day at work. Dragging yourself to the door, you picture the
bland burrito
you're gonna nuke for dinner as your stomach rumbles and grumbles.
traffic-jammy
ride home from a long day at work. Dragging yourself to the door, you picture the
bland burrito
you're gonna nuke for dinner as your stomach rumbles and grumbles.
Yeah, the day got you down, the day knocked you out, but suddenly you unlock the door and your mood
zooms sky-high
as there's a loving and waiting BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!
zooms sky-high
as there's a loving and waiting BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!
Someone's happy to see you.
AWESOME!
Dancing when you're home alone
Get your groove on long.
Get your groove on strong.
After all, maybe you're hanging with a heavy heart,
burning with a hot temper
, or snowed in after a bad day. If there's a black cloud hanging over your head, there's no cheaper cure than having a
solo dance party
in the comfort of your place.
burning with a hot temper
, or snowed in after a bad day. If there's a black cloud hanging over your head, there's no cheaper cure than having a
solo dance party
in the comfort of your place.
Just lock that door,
shutter those blinds
, and crank the bumping thumping music, baby. Because it's time to get down with the get down:
shutter those blinds
, and crank the bumping thumping music, baby. Because it's time to get down with the get down:
â¢
The Microphone
. Wooden spoons are ideal but there are good substitutes like toothbrushes, Swiffer dusters, or hair dryers. Just don't trip on the cord.
The Microphone
. Wooden spoons are ideal but there are good substitutes like toothbrushes, Swiffer dusters, or hair dryers. Just don't trip on the cord.
â¢
The Crowd
. It's all about mirrors. Nod and let them nod right back at you. Watch them mouth the words and raise their fists with yours. What a beautiful audience.
The Crowd
. It's all about mirrors. Nod and let them nod right back at you. Watch them mouth the words and raise their fists with yours. What a beautiful audience.
â¢
The Critics
. There are none! This is the best part. Nobody says you're singing out of key so just wail till you can't wail no more. For bonus points get your voice so loud and dirty it scratches the back of your throat.
The Critics
. There are none! This is the best part. Nobody says you're singing out of key so just wail till you can't wail no more. For bonus points get your voice so loud and dirty it scratches the back of your throat.
â¢
The Wardrobe
. You've got a few costume options including the classic ripped raggedy T-shirt and pair of faded sweats. There's also underwear only or even full-on living room nude. Relax, you look great. Time to rock out.
The Wardrobe
. You've got a few costume options including the classic ripped raggedy T-shirt and pair of faded sweats. There's also underwear only or even full-on living room nude. Relax, you look great. Time to rock out.
Yes, we've all been home alone and sometimes it's fun to spin your head into the moment. So come on and turn it on,
crank it up
, and just shake it baby, shake it baby, shake it like that.
crank it up
, and just shake it baby, shake it baby, shake it like that.
AWESOME!
Getting tucked in
Bedtime is terrible.
TV flicks off,
friends go home
, sun dips down, and you're all alone.
friends go home
, sun dips down, and you're all alone.
But just before you fall asleep sometimes there's a little treat.
Just before you drift to dreams sometimes there's a little scene.
Just before you fade away sometimes there's a little left to say.
Mom or dad slips through your door,
they sit and smile on your bed
, and then they swipe your shaggy hair right across your forehead. They smooth out the covers and squeeze them up to your chin as they smile and ask how your day has been.
they sit and smile on your bed
, and then they swipe your shaggy hair right across your forehead. They smooth out the covers and squeeze them up to your chin as they smile and ask how your day has been.
Sometimes there's a story,
sometimes there's a book
, sometimes there's just smiling, sometimes there's a look. But no matter what, we all know that tiny moment of cozy comfort always feels like a warm and loving moment of
sometimes there's a book
, sometimes there's just smiling, sometimes there's a look. But no matter what, we all know that tiny moment of cozy comfort always feels like a warm and loving moment of
AWESOME!
The sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards
I am a terrible pool player.
Yet, despite this, whenever someone at a bar asks me to play against them or be their partner, I'm like sure, yeah,
I'm totally in
.
I'm totally in
.
I mean, I'm having a good time,
I'm in a good mood
, so I sort of tipsily swagger over to the cue rack on the wall and pretend to be sizing them up.
“Oh man, all the good ones are gone,”
I always say extremely loudly, my eyes darting around at the other players with a sad little “Yeah, it's true” head nod, being careful to plant seeds of disappointment early so nobody expects me to actually sink a ball.
I'm in a good mood
, so I sort of tipsily swagger over to the cue rack on the wall and pretend to be sizing them up.
“Oh man, all the good ones are gone,”
I always say extremely loudly, my eyes darting around at the other players with a sad little “Yeah, it's true” head nod, being careful to plant seeds of disappointment early so nobody expects me to actually sink a ball.
After that, I begin a desperate search for chalk. “Gotta have some chalk, gotta have some chalk,” I'll mumble, as I walk in circles around the pool table, looking underneath it and in all the pockets until I find some. And when I do,
I really go to town
. Honestly, I rub my pool cue in that chalk and twist it around tightly, and then I flare the edges to cover up all the missed spots.
I really go to town
. Honestly, I rub my pool cue in that chalk and twist it around tightly, and then I flare the edges to cover up all the missed spots.
If all goes according to plan, I'll keep chalking my cue until somebody breaks. The goal here is to avoid eye contact until the game starts, because otherwise I might be asked to break, and that's never a pretty sight.
No, the four or five times I've foolishly agreed to kick off the game ended up embarrassing everyone involved. I'll generally skid the cue off the side of the cue ball, sending it wildly spinning directly into a side pocket. Or I'll get under the ball by accident and send it flying across the bar, where it'll softly roll up against the boot of some
ponytailed, tattooed biker dude
, who will then shoot me a cold, piercing stare and begin punching his fist into his palm.
ponytailed, tattooed biker dude
, who will then shoot me a cold, piercing stare and begin punching his fist into his palm.
No, it's better for everyone if I avoid the break. Frankly, I shouldn't even be playing.
But what I will do is peek up from my obsessive chalking so that I can watch the break, because I love the break, because the break is great. I mean, it's an explosive crack that rises above the background bar buzz and captures everyone's attention as the balls fly in all directions.
The sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards is the sound of
a good fifteen to twenty minutes of fun
getting started. And it's the sound of people enjoying themselves with a couple of drinks, some good friends, and a great night.
a good fifteen to twenty minutes of fun
getting started. And it's the sound of people enjoying themselves with a couple of drinks, some good friends, and a great night.
And that sounds a lot like
AWESOME!
When a baby falls asleep on you
You're a human pillow.
Feel that tiny heart beating on your chest, that strawberry-sized hand
gripping your finger
, and those baby powder breaths softly whispering in and out ...
gripping your finger
, and those baby powder breaths softly whispering in and out ...
When you were a
little baby
you fell asleep on people all the time. Now that you're all grown up you're helping another life on its way. And just think: One day way off in the distance this
softly sleeping snuggler
will be doing the exact same thing for someone else.
little baby
you fell asleep on people all the time. Now that you're all grown up you're helping another life on its way. And just think: One day way off in the distance this
softly sleeping snuggler
will be doing the exact same thing for someone else.
AWESOME!
Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid noises
Crack that back.
Everybody's got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. Here's a few famous moves for waking up your bones:
1.
The Insane Wiggle.
This one's the classic. There's no focus and direction hereâyou're just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long deep grunts to feel the stretchy buzz in the small of your back.
The Insane Wiggle.
This one's the classic. There's no focus and direction hereâyou're just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long deep grunts to feel the stretchy buzz in the small of your back.
2.
The Starfish.
This is where you lie in bed and stretch your arms up to the sides and your legs down and out. The starfish works best if your girlfriend's out of town or you manage to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself. Arty nerds might refer to this move as The Vitruvian Man.
The Starfish.
This is where you lie in bed and stretch your arms up to the sides and your legs down and out. The starfish works best if your girlfriend's out of town or you manage to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself. Arty nerds might refer to this move as The Vitruvian Man.
3.
The Old Man Can Walk Again
. When I lived in Boston, my roommate Joey was famous for this. You'd hear his bedroom door creak open and he'd slowly inch outâhunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he'd give a few wheezy groans and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.
The Old Man Can Walk Again
. When I lived in Boston, my roommate Joey was famous for this. You'd hear his bedroom door creak open and he'd slowly inch outâhunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he'd give a few wheezy groans and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.
4.
The Yogi Master
. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down a mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.
The Yogi Master
. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down a mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.
5.
The Cobra.
Here's where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.
The Cobra.
Here's where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.
6.
The Safety Stretch
. Your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later so you're careful not to wake them up. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it's not as rewarding a stretch but it beats accidentally punching them in the temple while they're drooling and dreaming.
The Safety Stretch
. Your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later so you're careful not to wake them up. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it's not as rewarding a stretch but it beats accidentally punching them in the temple while they're drooling and dreaming.
7.
The Ballet Dancer
. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you're about to hit the stage. (Tutu optional but recommended.)
The Ballet Dancer
. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you're about to hit the stage. (Tutu optional but recommended.)
8.
The Dog Leg
. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast that one leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably. Your thumping dog leg lets you know the stretch is working.
The Dog Leg
. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast that one leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably. Your thumping dog leg lets you know the stretch is working.
Now, no matter your style, it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and pop all your bones into place.
Bring on the day!
AWESOME!
Glue movies
What's your glue movie?
For me, I'm completely sucked in anytime I accidentally stumble on
A League of Their Own
while flipping channels. Yes, watching Tom Hanks and Geena Davis scratch out wins on the diamond always hooks me like a fish till the credits roll.
A League of Their Own
while flipping channels. Yes, watching Tom Hanks and Geena Davis scratch out wins on the diamond always hooks me like a fish till the credits roll.
See, glue movies are
any movie you can't stop watching whenever you see it on TV.
any movie you can't stop watching whenever you see it on TV.
Nope, don't matter how many times you've seen 'em, don't matter if you own 'em, don't matter if you don'tâjust forget the laundry,
skip the dishes
, and make your lunch tomorrow. You're stuck in a glue movie so start popping corn and pouring sodas because you're not going anywhere.
skip the dishes
, and make your lunch tomorrow. You're stuck in a glue movie so start popping corn and pouring sodas because you're not going anywhere.
Now, I was chilling in my friends Nick and Julie's basement apartment one night when we started chatting about glue movies. After I spent five minutes spilling
potato chip crumbs
all over my T-shirt while describing Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell's on-field chemistry, Nick started up a rant of his own.
potato chip crumbs
all over my T-shirt while describing Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell's on-field chemistry, Nick started up a rant of his own.
“You know, you would think my glue movie would be
The Usual Suspects
,” he began. “I can pick it up anywhere and knowing the twist makes every scene more interesting. Like, what's true, what's made up? I've seen it twenty times and I still don't know. But then again, it's
completely unwatchable
when edited for television. In the police lineup scene they say something like âHand me the keys, you very large cockroach.' It's awful. So ... now that I think about it, my glue movie is definitely
Heat
. Long movie, understated performance by De Niro, best bank-robbing scene in history, and enough relationship stuff so Julie gets into it.”
The Usual Suspects
,” he began. “I can pick it up anywhere and knowing the twist makes every scene more interesting. Like, what's true, what's made up? I've seen it twenty times and I still don't know. But then again, it's
completely unwatchable
when edited for television. In the police lineup scene they say something like âHand me the keys, you very large cockroach.' It's awful. So ... now that I think about it, my glue movie is definitely
Heat
. Long movie, understated performance by De Niro, best bank-robbing scene in history, and enough relationship stuff so Julie gets into it.”
It was a good argument and Nick was satisfied with it. He took a
long swig
of his drink and nodded his head a little bit as he came to terms with his glue movie selection. Then there was a pause while I licked my fingers and fished out the
last crumby triangle of potato chips
from my chip bag before Julie went off like a rocket:
long swig
of his drink and nodded his head a little bit as he came to terms with his glue movie selection. Then there was a pause while I licked my fingers and fished out the
last crumby triangle of potato chips
from my chip bag before Julie went off like a rocket:
“My movie is definitely
The Mighty Ducks 2
,” she started, excitedly. Nick and I raised eyebrows, but she ramped up. “Look, I'm smiling just thinking about it. I had a crush on all the boys from the first movie, but now I can only responsibly love them closer to the
legal age of consent
. Plus, they had a girl on the team and I always dreamed of being that female hero. And I generally love movies with kids because they remind you of actors before they were big. I mean, I loved
Joshua Jackson
in
Dawson's Creek
because of the ducks,” she finished.
The Mighty Ducks 2
,” she started, excitedly. Nick and I raised eyebrows, but she ramped up. “Look, I'm smiling just thinking about it. I had a crush on all the boys from the first movie, but now I can only responsibly love them closer to the
legal age of consent
. Plus, they had a girl on the team and I always dreamed of being that female hero. And I generally love movies with kids because they remind you of actors before they were big. I mean, I loved
Joshua Jackson
in
Dawson's Creek
because of the ducks,” she finished.
Nick shrugged and nodded, I furrowed my eyebrows and gave a tentative thumbs-up, but Julie wasn't quite done.
“Oh yeah!” She beamed. “And the movie taught me everything I know about hockey, which can be summarized in three words:
Ducks fly together.
This is what I yell whenever I walk by and Nick's watching it on TV.”
Ducks fly together.
This is what I yell whenever I walk by and Nick's watching it on TV.”
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