The Book of Even More Awesome (8 page)

Now no one has to feel bad.

AWESOME!

Now's your time.

As the sun dips down and the twilight fades to darkness there's nothing sweeter than wheeling your bike out of the garage for a late summer night cruise. Those freewheeling adventures are great for a few reasons:

Yes, riding your bike late at night lets you be alone with your thoughts and your dreams and your fears all
rolling around your brain
as you roll around the block. Chatty parents,
buzzing phones
, and little brothers are all left behind as you stare forward into the blackness and ride on and on and on ...

AWESOME!

It's a terrible scene.

As that cell phone, digital camera
,
or pair of sunglasses
crashlands on the concrete,
everyone gasps as it crunches, bounces, and skids hard ...

Suddenly your eyes blur,
stomach twists
, and world flips as you fade back and realize you're somehow
covered in scrubs
inside a busy hospital ER.

You glance down the hall and see
ambulance guys
racing toward you wheeling your bloody cell phone strapped to a gurney without any noticeable lights or beeps. Someone's got an icebox holding the battery case that blew off and a nurse is screaming that
signal strength
has flatlined.

Your eyebrows furrow and pupils dilate as you snap on latex gloves,
pull up your surgical mask
, and start frantically checking for vitals. You scan for signs of blunt trauma, pop the battery in and out, and then finally stare straight into your cell phone's face while
closing your eyes,
wincing, and forcing yourself to push Power.

There is a pause.

Nurses lean in with wide, hopeful eyes, ambulance guys jostle and crowd, and
nervous friends
squeeze their own phones tightly for comfort and support. Then suddenly as everyone waits ... and waits ... and waits ...

The power flashes and blinks back on.

And there is cheering.

AWESOME!

Sure, it's a little bit
extremely disgusting
, but the gross-out factor pales in comparison to the massive release you feel when a waxy boulder comes tumbling out of a cave on the side of
Head Mountain
. Remember: There's nothing to be embarrassed about because this is just
The Magic of the Human Body
. Yes, like a loyal employee punching out after a hard day on the line, your earwax heads home with its lunchbox in hand after drowning dust and dirt on a double shift in your ear canal. The gig's not easy and it doesn't pay well, so when
Waxy Brown's
finished his business, you know it's because he's done as much as he can.

AWESOME!

We're all bad at names but sometimes faces stick in our brains.

Yes, when you see
Familiar Brown-Haired Man
walk by the bus stop or
Curly Redhead Lady
eating fries in the food court you suddenly do a double take and think, “Wait ... I know them from somewhere.”

That's when you stop chewing your gum,
stop talking to your friends
, and stop sending blood to nonvital organs. All the tiny men in your head wake up, put on their boots, and fire-pole down to your brain's dusty archives. Suddenly they're fishing through files,
scanning databases
, and booting up old hard drives to comb every neuron you've got for trace clues of who you're staring at.

Photos flash of high school dances,
first jobs
, and college parties. You imagine beards and mustaches, picture them in ballcaps, or mentally dye their hair blond. Your mind reels through old friends' girlfriends, people who owe you money, and cousins from the other side of the family you met at a distant wedding.

Or maybe you don't recognize them for a while simply because
they're out of context
. It's your phys ed teacher squeezing melons at the grocery store, your barber jogging in a jumpsuit at the park, or the office assistant from your old job sweating buckets on the treadmill.

Sometimes it seems like they're looking at you the exact same way too. You wonder if their
little brain men
are combing through databases or if they recognize you but just aren't saying anything. You wonder and wonder and
think and think
and stare and stare until!

It clicks.

And that's a beautiful moment of sweet relief. The little brain men slam
filing cabinets
and cheer, one of them pulls the steam whistle and smoke flies out your ears, and a slow and satisfied smile curls onto your face as you finally place the mystery person.

Then maybe you say hi or something.

AWESOME!

You're here!!!

Come in,
come in
, come in, make yourself at home, make yourself at home. Here, let me get your coat and I'll throw your bag upstairs. Go ahead, grab a drink, have a seat, I'll be right back.

Okay, so! How are you! It's so good to see you! Relax, sit down ... what can I get you? Are you hungry, thirsty? Do you want a Coke, orange juice, water? Just water? Alright, with or without ice? Are you sure you're not hungry? Want like a grilled cheese or something?
Oh, wait!
I've got leftover lasagna from last night. Do you want some? No, no, I can't eat it all anyway. Don't worry about it. I'll just heat up a piece, no problem. It'll just be a second. Have a seat! Sit down, sit down, relax, you drove a long way. Relax!

So ... what time do you usually get up? Me, I'm around 8:30. Oh ... no, no, no, that's fine. I'll just get up a bit earlier so you can jump in right after me. No, it's no problem. I left some towels on your bed and there's a hair dryer under the sink. Do you need an alarm clock? Oh, what do you like for breakfast? Yeah, yeah, I've got cereal. Actually, you know what, we need milk. I'm just going to pop to the corner and grab some real quick so we're good for morning.
No, it's no problem!
You can use my computer if you want to check your email before going to bed. I know you're tired. Good night! Sleep tight!

Morning!!! Did you sleep well? Oh ... sorry, I should have told you there were extra blankets in the closet. No, don't worry about making the bed, I'll wash the sheets tonight when I get home. I'm so glad you came over, honestly. It was great catching up. It's been forever.

Alright, have a great day. Take care, let's talk soon. Thanks again for coming over!

Bye!!!!!!!!!!

AWESOME!

I don't have the patience for puzzles.

If someone walks into the room shaking a big
500-piece box
with a photo of a gray boulder balanced
on a gray cliff
, then I'm not having it.

Okay, I might help you find the
corner pieces
or start the first edge, but that's it. After it gets into the
no-man's-land
of middle pieces, and people start making stack-piles of colors, passing around the box top and squinting, and silently trying to clip piece after piece after piece together, well, I just can't take it anymore.

When everybody crowds around the coffee table, I start sulking and retreat to the couch where I occupy myself with productive jobs such as
piling all the coasters
, finger-dragging the crumbs out the side of the cushions, or trying to eat a potato chip without chewing it, which is actually much more difficult than it sounds.

This is why it's so great when someone finally places the last piece of the puzzle.

There's usually giddy anticipation as the pace quickens toward the finale. All fingers get into the game, attaching the two giant puzzle chunks together, and then someone finally drops in
that one piece
we all knew was here somewhere with the other half of the
bird's wing
on it.

Hey, the last piece of the puzzle is great because it means
you have the last piece of the puzzle.
Let's not overlook this fact. After all, who among us hasn't picked up a cheapo garage sale special only to discover it was four pieces short when you were putting it together? Talk about a buzz kill.

Secondly, it means you finally get to see the big picture. Up until that point it's all poking, prodding, and passing around the dog-eared box top, but now we've got a poster. Some people mount these things and stick them on a wall. Nothing wrong with that.

Lastly, there is a thick and heady sense of
smoking satisfaction
in the air. Even though I'm probably spilling a tall glass of wine and flipping past infomercials at this point, even I can feel it. The gang all pitched in, helped out, and accomplished the big mission together.

Now the party can really get nuts.

AWESOME!

Talk about an intimate moment.

It's one thing to strike up a conversation,
grab drinks after work
, start hanging on weekends, and become close friends.

It's another thing to have open fridge access.

Honestly, if you're cool with
sharing your food supply,
then you two are tight like twins. You've probably known each other so long that all
courtesies have gone
out the window in favor of
getting cozy
on the couch with some juice and puddings.

When someone grabs a bunch of grapes from your crisper, snags cold pizza from the box, or starts making a sandwich with whatever's around, then I've got news for you.

You've got yourself a best friend.

AWESOME!

How delicious was that thick and creamy shake you just slurped through the fat straw at the roadside diner? Sitting in the torn vinyl booths by the jukebox, you drank those tiny bubbles,
slurped cold clumps
, and shot back all the swirling sweet cream at the bottom of the glass.

Your entire body shivered and shook and you sucked back that delicious frosty glass of milkshake.

And guess what?

There's more.

AWESOME!

As old school assignments,
half-downloaded MP3s
, and duplicate photos crumple and disappear from your hard drive, you settle back into your office chair, slap your hands together, and smile at finishing up The World's Easiest Chore.

AWESOME!

Lazing around in crumpled sheets, sun streaking through the blinds, you open your eyes and blink slowly while your lips curl into a smile. You glance casually at the alarm clock, stare at the ceiling, and flip your pillow.

Then it hits you.

Nose twitching, brain sniffing, you catch
faint fumes
of something sizzling in the kitchen. Can it be? Is this why you woke up? You bunny-sniff again and this time you're positive, you're certain, you're sure.

It smells like mom's cooking breakfast on a holiday morning. It smells like a sunny Sunday at the
chilly campsite
with your boyfriend. It smells like pajamas and a fresh newspaper with your grad school roommates.

It smells like little white grease bubbles in a crispy black pan.

And it smells a lot like

AWESOME!

Racing up staircases or jumping down them gives you that
I'm-in-a-rush
rush. Handrails play helper as you leap on stage as the quick-zipping star of the show. Let's chat about how to make the magic happen.