Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (6 page)
When those spots all fill up I'm a stressed-out incherupper, nervously crawling the lot like a
giant tortoise
slowly teetering into the forest to die. Yes, I foolishly follow people with bags only to watch as they toss them in the trunk and head back inside. I steer slowly past busy front doors and get caught in pedestrian traffic jams. I creep down entire aisles full of cars and get fooled over and over by
Motorbike Mirages
.
giant tortoise
slowly teetering into the forest to die. Yes, I foolishly follow people with bags only to watch as they toss them in the trunk and head back inside. I steer slowly past busy front doors and get caught in pedestrian traffic jams. I creep down entire aisles full of cars and get fooled over and over by
Motorbike Mirages
.
It's pathetic.
But that's what makes it so great when I suddenly find a free parking spot right near the front of the mall. That's when the sun shines
shooting beams of light
at the tiny rectangular oasis of bumpy asphalt before me.
shooting beams of light
at the tiny rectangular oasis of bumpy asphalt before me.
I signal quickly and clog up lanes as I fumble back and forth into the spot, screeching and scraping my tires with every turn. But once I'm there I hop right out and smile back to stare at the best parking spot in the lot.
AWESOME!
Getting through right away when you call a big company
Thank you for calling.
We are experiencing lower than normal call volumes.
AWESOME!
Eating the last piece of anything
Occasionally, a kind soul will come over to a barbecue toting a homemade dessert made from some combination of apples, brown sugar, brownie batter, toffee bits, marshmallows, cherries, and oatmeal. They set their heavy glass dish down on my kitchen counter and peel back the plastic bag to reveal an earth-toned rainbow of deliciosity. We gaze at its beauty for a moment, but then look at the pile of
cold weenies
and bulk pack of
yellow macaroni salad
lying on the counter and walk away, knowing that we'll get to that dessert later, just as soon as we fill our stomachs with all the cheap stuff everyone else picked up from the clearance rack.
cold weenies
and bulk pack of
yellow macaroni salad
lying on the counter and walk away, knowing that we'll get to that dessert later, just as soon as we fill our stomachs with all the cheap stuff everyone else picked up from the clearance rack.
And eventually the end of the meal arrives and the hero dessert is paraded to the table with pomp, fanfare, forks, and a stack of plates. But by now everyone is stuffed, and so while people dip into this
rectangle of tastiness
, they just don't have room to send the dish back empty. It inevitably gets Saranwrapped and put in the fridge for leftovers, hasty promises made to return to it another time.
rectangle of tastiness
, they just don't have room to send the dish back empty. It inevitably gets Saranwrapped and put in the fridge for leftovers, hasty promises made to return to it another time.
And that's when it gets interesting. I'm a pretty big fan of dessert. I like its style.
I think it's cool.
And so I eat it as soon as possible. I have a piece here, I have a piece there. It replaces bread the next morning at breakfast, starch the next evening at dinner. I chip away at it until eventually there is only one piece left. And it is the consumption of that last piece, that final, beautiful square of leftover homemade dessert, that is always the sweetest.
I think it's cool.
And so I eat it as soon as possible. I have a piece here, I have a piece there. It replaces bread the next morning at breakfast, starch the next evening at dinner. I chip away at it until eventually there is only one piece left. And it is the consumption of that last piece, that final, beautiful square of leftover homemade dessert, that is always the sweetest.
See, by this point it's an old friend. I know its taste well, having succumbed to its
viselike grip
over me for a few days since the party. I may actually be sick of it, but I would never admit it. All I know is that there are only a couple more minutes left of enjoying its company forever.
viselike grip
over me for a few days since the party. I may actually be sick of it, but I would never admit it. All I know is that there are only a couple more minutes left of enjoying its company forever.
It is a very happy yet very sad time.
There are some ways that eating the last remaining piece of dessert can be made sweeter, though:
1.
Eating it cold.
When that dessert is only a couple feet away from your mouth, there really is no time allowed for heating. (+5 points)
Eating it cold.
When that dessert is only a couple feet away from your mouth, there really is no time allowed for heating. (+5 points)
2.
Eating it straight from the big serving dish.
This is tricky, because if you're watching TV you need to awkwardly lift a three-pound glass dish with one hand so you can shovel the dessert into your mouth with the other. Watch out for wobbling. (+10 points)
Eating it straight from the big serving dish.
This is tricky, because if you're watching TV you need to awkwardly lift a three-pound glass dish with one hand so you can shovel the dessert into your mouth with the other. Watch out for wobbling. (+10 points)
3.
Methodically scraping every last crumb, ring of dried icing, and molecule of congealed syrup out of the dish, even using a spatula if you have to.
Licking is optional here but may be necessary. (+15 points)
Methodically scraping every last crumb, ring of dried icing, and molecule of congealed syrup out of the dish, even using a spatula if you have to.
Licking is optional here but may be necessary. (+15 points)
4.
The big one.
Thinking about the dessert just before you're about to fall asleep or when you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, thinking about it and not being able to get it out of your head until you walk to the kitchen, your feet freezing on the cold linoleum, touch-grabbing your way through the black maze of your apartment, until you pop open that refrigerator door, its bright light beaming out at you like the gates of heaven opening, and you just grab that Saranwrapped slice of greatness and eat it right on up. (+ 100 points)
The big one.
Thinking about the dessert just before you're about to fall asleep or when you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, thinking about it and not being able to get it out of your head until you walk to the kitchen, your feet freezing on the cold linoleum, touch-grabbing your way through the black maze of your apartment, until you pop open that refrigerator door, its bright light beaming out at you like the gates of heaven opening, and you just grab that Saranwrapped slice of greatness and eat it right on up. (+ 100 points)
AWESOME!
Slowing down
Time is an illusion.
Baby, we're all just spinning, gninnips, spinning.
Electrons spinning in our tall, fleshy bodies, spinning on our
big, wet rock,
spinning in our bright, white solar system, spinning in our
deep, dark galaxy
, spinning in our brainbustingly big universe.
big, wet rock,
spinning in our bright, white solar system, spinning in our
deep, dark galaxy
, spinning in our brainbustingly big universe.
This neverending
swirly-twirly headtrip
can be a bit much sometimes, so we try to place some delicate order on our bumpy, chaotic lives. We tack calendars on our kitchen cabinets with
organized checkerboards
of days and weeks and months. We make plans for Saturday night, sleep in on Sunday, and head to work Monday morning. See, now instead of swirling and twirling, we've got minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years and lives.
swirly-twirly headtrip
can be a bit much sometimes, so we try to place some delicate order on our bumpy, chaotic lives. We tack calendars on our kitchen cabinets with
organized checkerboards
of days and weeks and months. We make plans for Saturday night, sleep in on Sunday, and head to work Monday morning. See, now instead of swirling and twirling, we've got minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years and lives.
Oh sure, maybe setting a calendar on the
beautiful insanity
of life is like placing a square of tissue paper on a hurricane. But without the structure and routine we'd just sort of wander around aimlessly forever, you know what I mean?
beautiful insanity
of life is like placing a square of tissue paper on a hurricane. But without the structure and routine we'd just sort of wander around aimlessly forever, you know what I mean?
“Hey man, when you gonna finish college?”
“Dude, I dunno, maybe when my beard touches my knees?”
No, no, no, we need order, we want order,
we crave order
, we love order.
we crave order
, we love order.
Order gives us birthdays, anniversaries, and hair appointments. Order gives us the recess bell,
cake-baking smell
, and Christmas Eve with the family. Order gives us library readings, holiday greetings, and long weekends in the summer.
cake-baking smell
, and Christmas Eve with the family. Order gives us library readings, holiday greetings, and long weekends in the summer.
Order gives us a lot.
But sometimes it's great to slow down and get swirly-twirly anyway.
Sometimes it's great to set up a
crinkly tent
on the damp edge of a gushing river and camp out under the stars with someone you love. Sometimes it's great to shutter in and veg out on the
stained corduroy couch
during a snowy weekend at school. Sometimes it's great to slap on baggy khaki shorts and a bright shirt and fly to a distant island just to lie on a hot, sandy beach in front of the
blue, glittery ocean
.
crinkly tent
on the damp edge of a gushing river and camp out under the stars with someone you love. Sometimes it's great to shutter in and veg out on the
stained corduroy couch
during a snowy weekend at school. Sometimes it's great to slap on baggy khaki shorts and a bright shirt and fly to a distant island just to lie on a hot, sandy beach in front of the
blue, glittery ocean
.
Sometimes it's great to step back and stare at the clouds and sky.
Sometimes it's great to let your thoughts float free and float high.
Sometimes it's great to close your eyes and let it all just slip away.
Sometimes it's great to forget the clock and dream a dream today.
AWESOME!
Taking your high heels off at the end of the night and walking home in bare feet
Give your tired, aching soles a soothing break after a long day of painful slave labor.
It just feels like sweet release.
Or so I've heard.
AWESOME!
When you suddenly remember it's a long weekend
Monday is the new Sunday.
First off, your TV-watching schedule is messed up. The baseball game was last night so now you're flipping past
Wheel of Fortune
and sitcom reruns. But no big deal, because even though the night before school or work is a bit of a drag, you can at least rest knowing you've got a four-day week ahead.
First off, your TV-watching schedule is messed up. The baseball game was last night so now you're flipping past
Wheel of Fortune
and sitcom reruns. But no big deal, because even though the night before school or work is a bit of a drag, you can at least rest knowing you've got a four-day week ahead.
Sunday is the new Saturday
. Now you can make late night plans without excuses. No sister-in-laws zipping up diaper bags and tying kids' shoelaces in the front hallway at 8:30 p.m. this time. Nope, on long-weekend Sundays the party's just getting started, so toss the seven-year-old on the bed full of jackets and get back to rocking.
. Now you can make late night plans without excuses. No sister-in-laws zipping up diaper bags and tying kids' shoelaces in the front hallway at 8:30 p.m. this time. Nope, on long-weekend Sundays the party's just getting started, so toss the seven-year-old on the bed full of jackets and get back to rocking.
Saturday is Uncharted Territory
. This is the Bermuda Triangle of the long weekend. You've got two more days to finish your algebra homework, plant the tulip bulbs, or mow the lawn, so that all falls off the radar. Yes, today's the day for a glue movie marathon, long drive to see the grandkids, or late night out with your old friends from high school.
. This is the Bermuda Triangle of the long weekend. You've got two more days to finish your algebra homework, plant the tulip bulbs, or mow the lawn, so that all falls off the radar. Yes, today's the day for a glue movie marathon, long drive to see the grandkids, or late night out with your old friends from high school.
When you suddenly remember it's a long weekend it's time for some head spins. Your brain races with possibilities ahead and you're filled with a tingly buzz of excitement. Yes, you ran up the
bumpy hills
of Monday and Tuesday, scraped by a muddy Wednesday, and clawed through the
frozen tundra
of Thursday and Friday.
bumpy hills
of Monday and Tuesday, scraped by a muddy Wednesday, and clawed through the
frozen tundra
of Thursday and Friday.
Now you're at the top of the mountain breathing the fresh air of the long weekend.
And it is glorious.
AWESOME!
When two cookies melt together in the oven
If you're lucky the edges of both cookies had a little bit of burn time to harden and brown before congealing into
one giant Siamese cookie masterpiece
. Now they're stuck together in a crispy brown sugar suture that becomes your mouthwatering reward for baking a big beautiful batch of
one giant Siamese cookie masterpiece
. Now they're stuck together in a crispy brown sugar suture that becomes your mouthwatering reward for baking a big beautiful batch of
AWESOME!
Elementary school science fairs
It all starts with poster board.
Getting mom to drive to the drugstore to load up on
the thick flimsy
is a great start to a great project. Grab a sheet of white, a sheet of neon pink, and if you're lucky, one of those
thick cardboard three-folds
. Come on, we both know that cardboard added scientific integrity to your researchâthe seventh-grade equivalent of getting your work published in
The New England Journal of Awesome
.
the thick flimsy
is a great start to a great project. Grab a sheet of white, a sheet of neon pink, and if you're lucky, one of those
thick cardboard three-folds
. Come on, we both know that cardboard added scientific integrity to your researchâthe seventh-grade equivalent of getting your work published in
The New England Journal of Awesome
.
But it doesn't end there. Next you're grabbing markers, spray paint, baking soda, and Styrofoam. Once you've got everything together you're rushing home and
getting down to science
, people. The carpeted corner of the unfinished basement becomes your lab and it's time to spend hours putting on lab coats,
staring into microscopes
, and pouring bubbling green liquids into beakers.
getting down to science
, people. The carpeted corner of the unfinished basement becomes your lab and it's time to spend hours putting on lab coats,
staring into microscopes
, and pouring bubbling green liquids into beakers.
Let's count down six of the classics:
6.
The solar system
. Jabbing those spray-painted Styrofoam balls with a straightened-out coat hanger makes a great splintery sound. Next you're painting a splotchy brown Australia on Earth and a big eye on Jupiter. If you want your solar system to be to scale, don't forget to leave Pluto at home and toss Neptune out the car window on the way to school.
The solar system
. Jabbing those spray-painted Styrofoam balls with a straightened-out coat hanger makes a great splintery sound. Next you're painting a splotchy brown Australia on Earth and a big eye on Jupiter. If you want your solar system to be to scale, don't forget to leave Pluto at home and toss Neptune out the car window on the way to school.
5.
Volcano.
There are two types of eruptions. First, there's the Underwhelming Fizzâwhere you stare deep into the mouth of the fiery beast only to witness some rock-hard hunks of baking soda floating in a pool of nostril-burning vinegar. It's disappointing, but you can always try again and hope for a Superblowâwhere everyone stares with wide eyes as red ooze bubbles and slides down your carefully painted volcano onto the GI Joe townspeople below.
Volcano.
There are two types of eruptions. First, there's the Underwhelming Fizzâwhere you stare deep into the mouth of the fiery beast only to witness some rock-hard hunks of baking soda floating in a pool of nostril-burning vinegar. It's disappointing, but you can always try again and hope for a Superblowâwhere everyone stares with wide eyes as red ooze bubbles and slides down your carefully painted volcano onto the GI Joe townspeople below.
4.
The one the kid's parents obviously did
. Also known as robbing your child of the thrill of scientific discovery in exchange for a B+. Come on, Dad, we all know Junior didn't build that perfectly functioning lawnmower engine.
The one the kid's parents obviously did
. Also known as robbing your child of the thrill of scientific discovery in exchange for a B+. Come on, Dad, we all know Junior didn't build that perfectly functioning lawnmower engine.
3.
Growing something
. Whether it was lima beans or patches of fresh grass, it was a classic move to study Sunlight vs. Shadow, Music vs. No Music, or Watering Plants vs. Pouring Coke on Them.
Growing something
. Whether it was lima beans or patches of fresh grass, it was a classic move to study Sunlight vs. Shadow, Music vs. No Music, or Watering Plants vs. Pouring Coke on Them.
2.
Coke is bad.
Speaking of Coke, did you have that kid who left a tooth or some nails sitting in it for a month? The groundbreaking research typically concluded with a harsh indictment of the entire soda pop industry. And maybe some scattered business cards for the kid's dad, who was a dentist.
Coke is bad.
Speaking of Coke, did you have that kid who left a tooth or some nails sitting in it for a month? The groundbreaking research typically concluded with a harsh indictment of the entire soda pop industry. And maybe some scattered business cards for the kid's dad, who was a dentist.
1.
The one that didn't work.
Every science fair had a few of these gems. They were sad and beautiful at the same time because that long-faced ten-year-old standing in front of a dim lightbulb was learning how to deal with lost efforts and how to get back up after a stumble. Keep that chin up, tiger. You'll get 'em next time.
The one that didn't work.
Every science fair had a few of these gems. They were sad and beautiful at the same time because that long-faced ten-year-old standing in front of a dim lightbulb was learning how to deal with lost efforts and how to get back up after a stumble. Keep that chin up, tiger. You'll get 'em next time.
Yes, beautiful science fair moments were always a perfect close to months of hallway passion,
energetic classes
, and long lonely nights cutting block letters out of construction paper. Letting kids learn, letting kids dream, letting kids try and try and tryâwell, there's just so much good that comes of that.
energetic classes
, and long lonely nights cutting block letters out of construction paper. Letting kids learn, letting kids dream, letting kids try and try and tryâwell, there's just so much good that comes of that.
As they bottle insects,
jab wires into lemons
, and rub magnets together, you can see the whirring gears spinning with delight. Yes, all that learning just sponges,
soaks in
, and sticks there forever as a new generation of curiosity seekers gets their buzzing minds moving us all forward and forward and forward ...
jab wires into lemons
, and rub magnets together, you can see the whirring gears spinning with delight. Yes, all that learning just sponges,
soaks in
, and sticks there forever as a new generation of curiosity seekers gets their buzzing minds moving us all forward and forward and forward ...
AWESOME!
The moment after you wake up from a nightmare and suddenly realize it was all just a dream
With a dropped jaw, buggy eyes, and sweaty palms, your
hot, salty head
pops up from your warm pillow in a heart-pounding state of emergency. After a second of
massively intense panic
where you zoom into brain-rushing, adrenaline-gushing overdrive, it suddenly just dawns on you ...
hot, salty head
pops up from your warm pillow in a heart-pounding state of emergency. After a second of
massively intense panic
where you zoom into brain-rushing, adrenaline-gushing overdrive, it suddenly just dawns on you ...
It was all just a dream.
It was all just a dream.
It was all just a dream.
AWESOME!
Pain
It's there for a reason.
Whether you're shredding your legs on a raspberry bush,
scalding your hand in hot water
, or taking an arrow to the chest in the forest, I got bad news for you, brother:
That's gonna hurt
. Yes, when our bodies take blows, those powerful jolts make us cry salty tears, run for the hills, or crashland in hospital beds with limbs hanging everywhere.
scalding your hand in hot water
, or taking an arrow to the chest in the forest, I got bad news for you, brother:
That's gonna hurt
. Yes, when our bodies take blows, those powerful jolts make us cry salty tears, run for the hills, or crashland in hospital beds with limbs hanging everywhere.
But that pain really is there for three big reasons:
1.
Stop! ... Bandage time.
The first thing pain does is make you stop doing that painful thing you're doing. Your brain focuses every neuron on getting you out of Danger Bay and returning you to Safety Beach. Stop! You're lawnmowering your foot. Stop! You're leaning on an oven burner. Stop! You're dancing in much too baggy pants.
Stop! ... Bandage time.
The first thing pain does is make you stop doing that painful thing you're doing. Your brain focuses every neuron on getting you out of Danger Bay and returning you to Safety Beach. Stop! You're lawnmowering your foot. Stop! You're leaning on an oven burner. Stop! You're dancing in much too baggy pants.
2.
Long live the cast.
Pain reminds us to take care of injured body parts so they can heal. We lean on crutches so our ankles can untwist, plaster broken arms so bones can set, and bandage cuts to prevent infections. Throbbing migraines send us to dark rooms and bum knees get us limping because that's what we
need
, sister. Pain's just whispering advice to send us down the road to good health.
Long live the cast.
Pain reminds us to take care of injured body parts so they can heal. We lean on crutches so our ankles can untwist, plaster broken arms so bones can set, and bandage cuts to prevent infections. Throbbing migraines send us to dark rooms and bum knees get us limping because that's what we
need
, sister. Pain's just whispering advice to send us down the road to good health.
3.
Fool me twice, shame on me
. Pain's whole plan is to get us to stop doing painful things long term. Think of pain as a cranky granny shaking her finger when you sheepishly come schlepping up the front walk battered and bruised. “No more running through raspberry bushes, mister,” she starts. “No more checking hot water with your fingers. And no more medieval battle games in the forest.”
Fool me twice, shame on me
. Pain's whole plan is to get us to stop doing painful things long term. Think of pain as a cranky granny shaking her finger when you sheepishly come schlepping up the front walk battered and bruised. “No more running through raspberry bushes, mister,” she starts. “No more checking hot water with your fingers. And no more medieval battle games in the forest.”
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