Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (13 page)
Whipping down the hill really fast on your bike after pedaling hard all the way up
Wind whips through your hair and
smacks your cheeks
as you scream down the slope at the rip-rocketing speed of
smacks your cheeks
as you scream down the slope at the rip-rocketing speed of
AWESOME!
Watching a movie in the basement with a group of friends
It's better in the basement.
Give us the stained couches demoted from the family room. Give us those plastic walls full of pink insulation. Give us those cold floors and thin carpets.
Give us that dark cave hidden from the outside world.
Give us a group of friends hanging out.
And give us a screwball comedy.
Yes, it's time to order that pizza, fall into the squishy couch,
pile pillows against one another
, and pass the fuzzball blankets. It's time to enjoy a good movie with a group of friendsâideally featuring several of these characters:
pile pillows against one another
, and pass the fuzzball blankets. It's time to enjoy a good movie with a group of friendsâideally featuring several of these characters:
â¢
The Waiter.
Sure, the host usually covers this jobâfilling popcorn, pouring Pepsisâbut if the gang's supertight someone else can take it on. If you know your friend's pantry well and they don't mind you raccooning around, feel free to take orders and go digging for gold.
The Waiter.
Sure, the host usually covers this jobâfilling popcorn, pouring Pepsisâbut if the gang's supertight someone else can take it on. If you know your friend's pantry well and they don't mind you raccooning around, feel free to take orders and go digging for gold.
â¢
The Punch Line.
This is the person who adds the live commentary from the corner of the couch. He generally tries to top the characters onscreen and his favorite line is “
That's
gotta hurt!”
The Punch Line.
This is the person who adds the live commentary from the corner of the couch. He generally tries to top the characters onscreen and his favorite line is “
That's
gotta hurt!”
â¢
The Revealer.
The Revealer saw this movie already. You find that out the first time they say “Shhhhhh! Good scene coming up, good scene.”
The Revealer.
The Revealer saw this movie already. You find that out the first time they say “Shhhhhh! Good scene coming up, good scene.”
â¢
The Maestro.
This is a high-pressure role that involves owning the remote control for the entire movie. The Maestro is responsible for determining which bathroom breaks are pause-worthy and when to rewind and rewatch an important scene. Also, they must be comfortable cranking the volume if The Revealer (“Good scene!”) and The Punch Line (“Gotta hurt!”) start talking too loudly.
The Maestro.
This is a high-pressure role that involves owning the remote control for the entire movie. The Maestro is responsible for determining which bathroom breaks are pause-worthy and when to rewind and rewatch an important scene. Also, they must be comfortable cranking the volume if The Revealer (“Good scene!”) and The Punch Line (“Gotta hurt!”) start talking too loudly.
â¢
The Graphics Judge.
Does that plane crash look fake? Do those dinosaurs look real? The Graphics Judge offers instant analysis on all special effects scenes.
The Graphics Judge.
Does that plane crash look fake? Do those dinosaurs look real? The Graphics Judge offers instant analysis on all special effects scenes.
â¢
The Snoozer.
No matter how loud the explosions, how tight the plot, or how dramatic the chase scene, The Snoozer can be counted on to let out a few quiet snores just as things are getting good. Sometimes it's best to seat The Snoozer on the same faraway couch as The Person Who Covers Their Eyes And Gasps During Scary Scenes and The Person Who Cries All The Time, Even If It's Not A Sad Film.
The Snoozer.
No matter how loud the explosions, how tight the plot, or how dramatic the chase scene, The Snoozer can be counted on to let out a few quiet snores just as things are getting good. Sometimes it's best to seat The Snoozer on the same faraway couch as The Person Who Covers Their Eyes And Gasps During Scary Scenes and The Person Who Cries All The Time, Even If It's Not A Sad Film.
â¢
The Dimmer.
This person is obsessed with movie theater atmosphere. Ten seconds into the movie they frantically start a mad dash to turn off every light in the room. This seems like a good idea until someone has to blindman's bluff their way up the rickety stairs to go to the bathroom.
The Dimmer.
This person is obsessed with movie theater atmosphere. Ten seconds into the movie they frantically start a mad dash to turn off every light in the room. This seems like a good idea until someone has to blindman's bluff their way up the rickety stairs to go to the bathroom.
Now, every group's got their own cast of characters. It's good to
love them all
and it's good to love those moments.
love them all
and it's good to love those moments.
After all, friends grow up and graduate,
some people change and roll on
, and life wheels and deals us in all directions. So love those late nights in sixth grade with root beer and double cheese pizzas. Love those 4 a.m. Fridays in high school when everyone's friends and
everything's funny.
some people change and roll on
, and life wheels and deals us in all directions. So love those late nights in sixth grade with root beer and double cheese pizzas. Love those 4 a.m. Fridays in high school when everyone's friends and
everything's funny.
Just remember those long nights,
strong nights
, and staying-up-till-dawn nights. Smile hard at the smiles, laugh loud at the laughs, and always enjoy those basement movie memories ... with your basement movie friends.
strong nights
, and staying-up-till-dawn nights. Smile hard at the smiles, laugh loud at the laughs, and always enjoy those basement movie memories ... with your basement movie friends.
AWESOME!
Your tongue
Babies are funny.
While I was zooming down the highway with my friend Agostino recently he broke into a story about his one-year-old daughter. Apparently while feeding her a bowl of
mushy peas
she suddenly started sticking her tongue out,
slowly and suspiciously
peering down at it, and then wiggling it around.
mushy peas
she suddenly started sticking her tongue out,
slowly and suspiciously
peering down at it, and then wiggling it around.
It was like she suddenly came to the starstruck realization that
“I can control this thing!”
“I can control this thing!”
And what an amazing day that must be,
for you
, for me, for anybody. After all, we grow up inside these flabby blobs of flexy muscles, whirring organs, and gurgling body parts, and then discover what everything does along the way.
for you
, for me, for anybody. After all, we grow up inside these flabby blobs of flexy muscles, whirring organs, and gurgling body parts, and then discover what everything does along the way.
The mysteries of your tongue are sort of discovered along the way too. And what beautiful mysteries they are:
1.
Tongue got your cat
. Yes, the muscles at the back of your tongue help make certain sounds while talking like hard
g
's and
c
's. Try saying the word
go
or
cat
really slowly and you'll feel that pink puppy push across the roof of your mouth.
Tongue got your cat
. Yes, the muscles at the back of your tongue help make certain sounds while talking like hard
g
's and
c
's. Try saying the word
go
or
cat
really slowly and you'll feel that pink puppy push across the roof of your mouth.
2.
Bubble blower.
Hey, that wad of chewing gum ain't gonna balloon into a thin n' shaky pink bubble on its own.
Bubble blower.
Hey, that wad of chewing gum ain't gonna balloon into a thin n' shaky pink bubble on its own.
3.
Whistle while you work.
Think of your mouth like the cold garage where your lips and tongue come together to jam after school. Your lips make a small opening and your tongue gets the bumping grooves going. Also works for singing.
Whistle while you work.
Think of your mouth like the cold garage where your lips and tongue come together to jam after school. Your lips make a small opening and your tongue gets the bumping grooves going. Also works for singing.
4.
Taste the rainbow.
When you're a one-year-old baby you've got around ten thousand taste buds covering your tongue and when you're a wrinkly old fart you've got around five thousand. These tiny flavor detectors are why mushy bananas and macaroni taste so good when you're a kid and bloody steaks and olives do the job when you're older. On top of all that, your tongue helps move food to your teeth and then down the gully for digestion. It's basically the whistle-blowing traffic cop of your body.
Taste the rainbow.
When you're a one-year-old baby you've got around ten thousand taste buds covering your tongue and when you're a wrinkly old fart you've got around five thousand. These tiny flavor detectors are why mushy bananas and macaroni taste so good when you're a kid and bloody steaks and olives do the job when you're older. On top of all that, your tongue helps move food to your teeth and then down the gully for digestion. It's basically the whistle-blowing traffic cop of your body.
5.
Clean your fur.
If your entire body is covered in fur your tongue helps you clean off instead of taking a bath.
Clean your fur.
If your entire body is covered in fur your tongue helps you clean off instead of taking a bath.
6.
French kissing
. Apparently swapping spit is a common gesture of affection throughout the animal kingdom, as lovers kiss with their tongues in jungles, deserts, and bat caves throughout the world. Evolutionary biologist Thierry Lode even argues that tongue kissing has a real functionâto explore a partner's immune system through their saliva. Yeah, I know: hot.
French kissing
. Apparently swapping spit is a common gesture of affection throughout the animal kingdom, as lovers kiss with their tongues in jungles, deserts, and bat caves throughout the world. Evolutionary biologist Thierry Lode even argues that tongue kissing has a real functionâto explore a partner's immune system through their saliva. Yeah, I know: hot.
Once upon a time
you discovered your tongue
with a profound sense of eye-widening wonder and amazement. Over time you began using its magical powers to try new foods, learn how to speak, sing in the car, or snuggle up with a young love.
you discovered your tongue
with a profound sense of eye-widening wonder and amazement. Over time you began using its magical powers to try new foods, learn how to speak, sing in the car, or snuggle up with a young love.
So today give three cheers to that fleshy pink slab of greatness sitting inside your
hot, disgusting mouth
. Use its noble powers to sit back and scream forward one big booming word with me ...
hot, disgusting mouth
. Use its noble powers to sit back and scream forward one big booming word with me ...
AWESOME!
When your friend makes sure you get into the house safe after dropping you off at the end of the night
When your friend drops you off after a
lazy hazy
night, it's always nice when they sit with their engine quietly revving till you get in the door. And when you pop it open, make sure to wave back so they can
bee-beep
or flash their headlights to say good night before quietly drifting away down the dark suburban roads ...
lazy hazy
night, it's always nice when they sit with their engine quietly revving till you get in the door. And when you pop it open, make sure to wave back so they can
bee-beep
or flash their headlights to say good night before quietly drifting away down the dark suburban roads ...
AWESOME!
Accidentally doing something really good in sports
I'm terrible at sports.
When I was a kid I retired from soccer after just one season. In my final game I took a booted ball right to the face which
snapped my glasses
in two and caused me to crash to the field in a wet, goobery mess. Unfortunately, since we were low on players and couldn't forfeit the big playoff game, I was forced to hang out on the field, blind and drippy, until the whistle blew.
snapped my glasses
in two and caused me to crash to the field in a wet, goobery mess. Unfortunately, since we were low on players and couldn't forfeit the big playoff game, I was forced to hang out on the field, blind and drippy, until the whistle blew.
And it wasn't just soccer either. I hung up the cleats after a season of baseball too
.
Somehow I managed to bat fourteenth in the lineup and lead my team in
hit by pitches
. This was less because I crowded the plate with gritted teeth and steely determination and more because most
twelve-year-olds
can't pitch straight and I have
extremely slow reflexes
.
.
Somehow I managed to bat fourteenth in the lineup and lead my team in
hit by pitches
. This was less because I crowded the plate with gritted teeth and steely determination and more because most
twelve-year-olds
can't pitch straight and I have
extremely slow reflexes
.
Since I'm so bad at sports, I tend to overcelebrate any type of tiny sports victory I can get. I'm not talking about shooting a buzzer-beating three-pointer or catching a winning touchdown. No, I'm talking about any
teeny-weeny play
during the game where I get to feel like I actually did something right for a second.
teeny-weeny play
during the game where I get to feel like I actually did something right for a second.
Here are some of my faves:
1.
The Air Hockey Self-Score
. This is where your opponent fires the plastic puck so hard it bounces off your end and scores on their own net. Fist pumps all around.
The Air Hockey Self-Score
. This is where your opponent fires the plastic puck so hard it bounces off your end and scores on their own net. Fist pumps all around.
2.
The Accidental Pool Shot
. Here's where you aim for the six ball in the corner pocket but miss completely and send the cue ball spinning wildly around the table until it accidentally bumps another ball into a completely different pocket. We'll take it.
The Accidental Pool Shot
. Here's where you aim for the six ball in the corner pocket but miss completely and send the cue ball spinning wildly around the table until it accidentally bumps another ball into a completely different pocket. We'll take it.
3.
Rim Rollers
. Okay, over to basketball. This is when your shot bounces off the side of the backboard and clangs around for ten seconds, bouncing in every direction, before eventually, reluctantly, spinning around the rim and slowly falling into the basket.
Rim Rollers
. Okay, over to basketball. This is when your shot bounces off the side of the backboard and clangs around for ten seconds, bouncing in every direction, before eventually, reluctantly, spinning around the rim and slowly falling into the basket.
4.
The Lucky Golf Bounce.
The only way my terrible golf shot is landing on the fairway is if it smacks off a tree trunk in the forest and pops back out. Bouncing a hundred feet in the air off the paved golf cart path might also do the trick.
The Lucky Golf Bounce.
The only way my terrible golf shot is landing on the fairway is if it smacks off a tree trunk in the forest and pops back out. Bouncing a hundred feet in the air off the paved golf cart path might also do the trick.
5.
The Slow Strike
. Do you ever go bowling? If you're as bad as I am you love that moment when your ball barely nudges a corner pin and causes a slowmotion domino effect that eventually gives you a strike. Time for a Stage Dance or Hulk Hogan pose.
The Slow Strike
. Do you ever go bowling? If you're as bad as I am you love that moment when your ball barely nudges a corner pin and causes a slowmotion domino effect that eventually gives you a strike. Time for a Stage Dance or Hulk Hogan pose.
6.
The Tennis Drop-off
. Here's my favorite one of all. Yes, when you win a point in tennis by hitting the ball into the net and having it immediately fall over and die on the other side, that's just perfect.
The Tennis Drop-off
. Here's my favorite one of all. Yes, when you win a point in tennis by hitting the ball into the net and having it immediately fall over and die on the other side, that's just perfect.
Now, I know what you're thinking: These are all
terrible cheap shots
no athlete would be proud to score. But I'm no athlete, people. I'll take my cheap shots when I get 'em if I get 'em. And, you know, maybe these little flukes are just the result of intense wanting and willing for success and therefore not flukes at all. No, maybe they're deliberate interventions on the part of the Sports Gods in order to motivate us to keep on pushing.
terrible cheap shots
no athlete would be proud to score. But I'm no athlete, people. I'll take my cheap shots when I get 'em if I get 'em. And, you know, maybe these little flukes are just the result of intense wanting and willing for success and therefore not flukes at all. No, maybe they're deliberate interventions on the part of the Sports Gods in order to motivate us to keep on pushing.
AWESOME!
Tuning the radio station perfectly so there's absolutely no static
I'm a terrible tuner.
Yeah, I'm the guy twiddling clock radio dials before bed every night with scrunched-up eyebrows. When I do end up on a
crystal-clear station
it usually isn't the one I was aiming for or I end up accidentally using my body as an antenna so the sound gets fuzzy the second I move my hand away.
crystal-clear station
it usually isn't the one I was aiming for or I end up accidentally using my body as an antenna so the sound gets fuzzy the second I move my hand away.
For a second it's clear and then it's schzzzteeeeeeeeyiiiiiiiio-OoOoOssZZZZT.
You'd definitely find these moments over in
The Book of Annoying
, that nonexistent netherlist that also features: Someone shaking your hand with freshly wet hands from the bathroom,
Bendy straws that crack at the bendy part
, and Getting the wobbly table at a restaurant.
The Book of Annoying
, that nonexistent netherlist that also features: Someone shaking your hand with freshly wet hands from the bathroom,
Bendy straws that crack at the bendy part
, and Getting the wobbly table at a restaurant.
Brother, that's why nothing's as nice as landing perfectly on your radio station of choice after twiddling that little dial for a few quick moments. When you nail it just right, slowly move your hand away,
pause for station identification
, and quickly click the switch over to
Alarm,
you're loving it lots.
pause for station identification
, and quickly click the switch over to
Alarm,
you're loving it lots.
See, radio waves float and fly through our lives sending highway traffic reports,
wacky morning DJs
, and bumping bass beats bouncing around the air like magic. It's up to us to catch them like butterflies with our thin antennas,
dusty clock radios
, and determined little fingers driven to get the job done.
wacky morning DJs
, and bumping bass beats bouncing around the air like magic. It's up to us to catch them like butterflies with our thin antennas,
dusty clock radios
, and determined little fingers driven to get the job done.
AWESOME!
Waking up really thirsty in the morning and finding a glass of water within reach
Maybe you scarfed a salty bag of chips before bed, drank a bit too much at the bars, or woke up on a friend's
old pull-out couch
with a mouthful of dust and cat hair.
old pull-out couch
with a mouthful of dust and cat hair.
Either way, when you blink your crusty eyes open and feel your mouth scratching like
sandpaper
, there's nothing finer than spotting a calmly waiting glass of water sitting just in front of your face.
sandpaper
, there's nothing finer than spotting a calmly waiting glass of water sitting just in front of your face.
After silently congratulating the
You of Last Night
for good planning, you smile slowly, chug it fast, and snuggle back into your dreamy slumbers.
You of Last Night
for good planning, you smile slowly, chug it fast, and snuggle back into your dreamy slumbers.
AWESOME!
The sound of steaks hitting a hot grill
Tssssssssssssssssss.
AWESOME!
Eating the crusts of the sandwich first to save the middle part for last
Nobody wants to finish on a downer.
If you aren't careful, the last bite of your lunch will be a big chomp of
dry crusts and lettuce scraps
. Your mouth will finish on a lame and boring note with the delicious middle bites from minutes ago lost in a dry, crusty daze.
dry crusts and lettuce scraps
. Your mouth will finish on a lame and boring note with the delicious middle bites from minutes ago lost in a dry, crusty daze.
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