The Boyfriend Experience (9 page)

Please, what?
The voice in his head asked.

Tears rolled from the corners of his eyes.

His heart was already broken, so why did it hurt so still?

* * *

Nate was asleep when Darren got back to the hospital. He kept his footsteps light, trying not to disturb Nate.

He pulled over a chair and sat down next to the bed. He could see the streaks of tears that dried at the corners of Nate’s eyes. His heart ached for the pain he was causing Nate.

Was he wrong to love him? Was he wrong to allow himself the luxury?

He knew Nate loved him too. He could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in the way Nate arch up to him as they made love. So why was Nate running away?

Darren rested his arm on the bed and pillowed his head on his arm, watching Nate sleep. He reached out and brushed the loose strands away from Nate’s face, as he always did.

If he closed his eyes he could still see in his head the way Nate looked at him, his blue eyes glowing as a smile overtook his face.

A sudden stab of fear caused his chest to tighten.

He would always remember that moment.

He was this close to losing him forever. If that car had been going any faster. If that car hadn’t seen Nate in time. If…

He couldn’t imagine what life would be like without him.

He could deal with living the rest of his life not being able to touch or see Nate, as long as he knew that Nate was living well somewhere, but he knew his heart would die along with Nate if anything were to happen to him.

Darren held Nate’s hand, rubbing softly on the back where it was bruised from the IV before bringing it close for a kiss.

* * *

Daphne was in his room again checking on things when Nate woke.

“Hey! How’re you feeling?”

“Still achy, but much better. Thanks.” Nate gave her a reassuring smile. He glanced at the clock. Ten in the morning.

“Oh good!” Daphne smiled back. “Your boyfriend was here last night. You were sleeping and he didn’t want to wake you. I think he slept in that chair the whole night.”

Nate nodded. He knew. He'd woken up briefly in the middle of the night and found Darren slumped in the chair, sound asleep, snoring softly. His heart tightened at how tired the man looked.

“The doctor will be by in a few minutes.”

“Thanks, Daphne.”

“Anytime.”

The doctor came by and did their usual round of tests and concussion checks. He was given a clean bill of health.

“We recommend that you stay for another day because of the bad sprain though,” the doctor said before he left. “You really shouldn’t walk on that ankle for at least a week.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Nate said.

He checked himself out of the hospital as soon as the doctor left.

“All of your bills have been paid for, Mr. de Luca,” the woman handling his paperwork said. “You’re good to go. Should I call you a cab?”

“Yes, please.” Nate said as he signed his signature on the last form. “Oh, and if this person comes by looking for me, can you give this to him?”

Nate handed her a folded sheet of paper with “Darren Chase” written across the center.

“Sure thing,” the woman smiled.

Walking awkwardly on crutches out of the hospital, Nate took a deep breath of the cold, crisp air. It was almost spring, but there was still a chill in the air.

* * *

The living room was dark, except for the set of three pod lights at the far end of the living room.

Darren sat in the dark, on the floor in front of his leather couch. He had a glass in one hand with a few fingers of Scotch in it.

His other hand held a sheet of paper. The paper was yellow and wrinkled at the edges, but the writing was still clear.

His phone rang but he ignored it, letting his voicemail pick up the call.

He sat staring at the far wall, where a large gallery wrapped black and white print hung from the wall. It was a photo of two man in each other’s arms, kissing.

More precisely, it was a picture of Darren kissing Nate. Tony had snapped the picture when they were in the Hamptons for Christmas. It was a present from Tony, shipped to him directly from wherever Tony was at the time.

“Sorry this is late. I didn’t get a chance to get it printed until now,” Tony wrote in his email.

Of course, Tony didn’t now at the time that Nate had left.

It’d been almost three years. It was mid November again, and this time of the year had been bad for Darren ever since…

The piece of paper in his hand was a note from Nate when he checked himself out against medical advice. Darren remembered almost losing it when he found out that Nate had gone missing from the hospital.

He didn’t need to look at the paper to know what it said. He’d practically memorized its content.

He took a big gulp of the amber liquid.

My beloved Darren:

Please forgive me for what I am about to do. Understand that leaving you is by far the single most difficult decision I have ever had to make.

Make no mistake that I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment we met, and I will always love you, from the bottom of my heart.

My heart is broken for having to leave you. It isn’t a decision that I have any choice in. For as long as that piece of contract exists between us, we will never be free to love each other the way we want to.

Poets said that love can move mountains, but they forget that it doesn’t have the power to stand up to scrutiny and accusations.

Thank you for everything these past three months. It was the happiest three months of my life. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me what it was all about, and that true love really does exist.

Don’t come looking for me. Please. Just let me fade away from your life like a ripple in the water.

Have a good life, Darren. Live well, for me.

Love always and forever yours,

Nate

Darren tossed back the drink and let it burn a path down his throat.

When he closed his eyes, he could still see in his mind Nate walking out from the bedroom, sitting down next to him and wrapping his arms around him, before telling him to come to bed.

There were ghosts of Nate all over the apartment. He kept the things Nate left behind in the closet. He reread every book he knew Nate had read. He drove himself crazy thinking about him.

He had no idea where Nate went. Nate had moved after he left, and his phone was disconnected. He could’ve hired someone to find Nate, but he knew that Nate wouldn’t appreciate the effort.

Putting the sheet of paper carefully on the table, he sobbed into his hands.

* * *

“Darren?” Kate knocked on the glass door of Darren’s office before she walked in. “Hey, listen, Kyle and I are taking Mr. Matsumoto and his people to that new Bistro down by Ground Zero. It’d be really nice if you can come along.”

“When are you guys leaving?” Darren asked without looking up.

“In about an hour,” Kate said, looking at her watch. “Kyle’s just finishing up with them.”

“Sure. Just give me a call and I’ll meet you guys in the lobby.”

“Okie dokie,” Kate said before she left with a sigh.

Darren couldn’t help but feel apologetic towards his sister and his best friend. They were just worried about him; he understood. He’d practically turned into a workaholic, throwing everything into work after Nate left.

He sighed as he sat back in his chair and let his thoughts drift.

The Greenroom was a new spot that had just opened a few months ago. Situated close to the financial district, it was always packed full of business types enjoying a drink after a long day’s work.

Darren walked into the bar area behind Kyle, Kate and one of their long time clients. Kate had called ahead for reservations so they were seated quickly. It was a Wednesday night, but it was unusually busy.

After they ordered their round of drinks, Darren excused himself to go to the washroom.

As he passed the bar, he saw someone that he thought he’d never see again.

Nate.

His hair was much shorter and he seemed to have gained some weight, but it was unmistakably him.

Darren felt thunderstruck as he stood in the middle of the bar staring at the man working behind the bar.

He could tell that Nate had recognized him by the shocked look on his face when their eyes met.

He walked over to the bar, sitting down.

“How’ve you been?” A million things went through Darren’s head. Things he wanted to say to Nate, but he ended up with that one simple, unimpressive line.

“Good. Getting by,” Nate began, but stopped himself. “You?”

“Good,” Darren lied through his teeth. “Doing well.”

“Oh.” Nate smiled a sad little smile. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, we ordered already,” Darren said, pointing to their table. “Kate and Kyle are here too. I just wanted to say ‘hi’.”

“And they’re both well?” Nate looked down at the glass in his hands, avoiding Darren’s gaze.

“They’re good. Kate’s expecting, eight months along, so imagine how she is usually and then multiply it by ten.” Darren smiled softly, and Nate chuckled too.

“Poor Kyle then.” Nate looked in Kyle’s direction sympathetically.

“You have no idea,” Darren said. “What about your aunt?”

“She passed a year ago. It was time.” Nate shrugged. It was going to happen eventually, at least she left peacefully in her sleep.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Darren said apologetically. “So, you’re working here now?”

“Yeah. Well, not exactly.” Nate looked at Darren. “I’m the weekend shift manager, only moonlighting as a bartender a few nights a week. I usually don’t work Wednesdays, but someone called in sick.”

“Oh, good. Congratulations on the new job.” Darren said. The look of longing in Nate’s eyes as he looked at him was breaking his heart all over again. “Nate, listen…”

“Darren, please. I can’t do this right now.” Nate took a deep breath, looking away.

“I still think about you,” Darren said. “Everyday.”

“Darren… Please.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Darren sighed. “Just… please, give me a call? My number hasn’t changed.”

Nate hesitated but then nodded. “I’ll try.”

“I gotta get back,” Darren said as he took his leave. He gave Nate a “call me” sign as he left.

* * *

Nate stepped out of his shoes and tossed his bag and jacket on the floor before leaning on the wall and slid down slowly to the ground. His chest heaved as he fought the emotions rising in his chest.

Of all of the days and of all of the places in New York City, Darren had to show up at the restaurant he worked at.

The distraught look in Darren’s eyes pulled at his heart, tearing at the old scars that he’d forgotten were there.

He'd never forgotten Darren. In the nearly three years since he’d left, he’d thought about the man every single moment of every single day. His heart still ached when he remembered the heartbroken look on Darren’s face as Darren came chasing out the door for him.

Darren was in his dreams that night. Nate was lying in bed and Darren came to him. Nate reached up to kiss
Dream-Darren
and he kissed him back. The scene cut to them walking in the park, holding hands like a couple would. There was a cold breeze and Nate shivered in the wind. Darren turned and pulled Nate’s scarf closer for him to block the wind. And then they were at the beach, somewhere tropical. Darren kissed him at sunset as their hair flapped in the wind and he told him he loved him…

Nate woke up with tears in his eyes.

Two week later, he was working his usual shift when John came in. He greeted his old friend.

After he’d left Darren, he’d gone to John for help. He told John about quitting his job.

“What happened?” John had asked as they sat on a bench at Pier 11. “Was it the client?”

“Well, yes, and no.” The corners of Nate’s mouth pulled into a self-deprecating smirk. “It was my fault, really.”

“What do you mean?”

“I made a mistake I told myself never to make.” Nate sighed. “I fell in love with him.”

“Did he love you?” John asked.

“Yes. Probably more than I loved him.” Nate sniffed, blinking his eyes to hold back the tears that threatened. He wasn’t usually this emotional, but he couldn’t help it when it came to thinking about Darren.

“Hey, now! You’re starting to make me jealous!” John quipped, trying to lighten the mood.

Nate let out a laugh that was really a half-sob. “Sorry.”

“I never wanted to leave him, you know?” Nate said quietly, pausing as he tried to put his tangled thoughts into words. “I didn’t think I had a choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, the agency had an entire book on rules and regulations of what we can and cannot do. Me? I only had one rule that I absolutely cannot break.” Nate said as he stared at the dim glow from his kitchen through the doorway of the bedroom. “I don’t fall in love with my clients.”

Nate turned his head to look at John. “There was this one guy, Sam, a few years back. We worked the same circles and he was such a sweet guy. He and one of his regulars, some heir of an industrial mogul, fell in love, and he decided to quit so he could be with the guy.

“That was until the guy’s family found out about what Sam used to do for a living. The family called Sam a dirty gold-digging whore, and then they threatened the guy that if he didn’t leave Sam, they’d cut him off and disown him.” Nate smiled a sad smile. “The guy chose his family and his money over Sam.”

“What happened to Sam?”

“He killed himself.” Nate shook his head. “He slit his wrists in the bathroom of the apartment they shared.”

“Ethan…” John looked at him with concern.