The Boyfriend Project (18 page)

I'd never had to put a dog to sleep. I didn't realize everything that needed to be done. Papers signed, arrangements for cremation made. I took care of everything while Kendall stood in the hallway and cried.

Broke my heart to see how badly she was hurting.

I'd seen her running from the park and had started out after her, but Jade had intercepted me, told me I couldn't leave. She'd made a big production out of it, when I knew that it didn't matter. They had plenty of gunslingers. No one was going to notice that I was gone. So I hadn't been able to catch up with Kendall at the park. But based on how fast she'd been running, I'd decided to try here first. I felt badly that I hadn't gotten to her sooner.

When I finished signing everything, I went over to her. “You ready to go?”

She gave a barely perceptible nod. I put my arms around her and drew her close. “I'm going to take you home.”

“I can drive.” Her voice sounded rough and raspy.

“I don't think that's a good idea.”

“You don't have to be so nice.”

“Yeah, I kinda do.” Because she mattered to me. In spite of the fact that we'd somehow lost each other, she still mattered. She'd always matter.

As Jeremy drove, I remembered that my mom had once told me that how much you loved someone had nothing at all to do with how long he or she was in your life. She'd been talking about my dad, about how they hadn't had a gazillion years together but she would never love another man as much as she'd loved him. Even though if she met someone now, he might be in her life longer than my dad had been.

Bogart hadn't been in my life long. But I couldn't have loved him more if I'd raised him from a pup.

When we got to my house, Jeremy hopped out of the car and dashed around to my side. I had the door partway open, but he opened it fully like he used to. I'd forgotten how nice it was to have that courtesy. I was exhausted. But I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.

“Thanks,” I said.

“I'll stay for a while,” he said.

“You don't have to.”

“I want to.”

Once I got inside, I didn't want to be here, either. The house felt so empty. How could a dog take up so much room that when he was gone his absence was so keenly felt?

“Let's sit on the deck,” Jeremy said.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

“You go on. I'll get us something to drink.”

I didn't argue. I simply unlocked the sliding glass door, opened it, and stepped out onto the deck. I dropped onto a cushioned lounge chair and stared at the sky, thinking about the rainbow bridge where dogs were supposed to wait for their owners. I wondered if owners waited for their dogs. I so wanted Bogart to be back with his original owner.

I'd pick up his ashes in a few days. I knew exactly what I was going to do with them.

I barely noticed Jeremy coming outside. He sat on the lounge chair next to mine and extended a glass of lemonade toward me. I didn't remember us having lemonade. Lemons, yeah. So that meant he'd made it.

As I took a sip of the iced concoction, I realized that he made it very well. “Thanks.”

“There was nothing else that you could have done,” he said.
“Anything else . . . he was suffering—”

“I know,” I said, cutting him off before he could list all the reasons behind my decision. I knew them all. “I don't feel guilty. I'm sad and maybe a little angry. I couldn't control what happened to him.”

“But you did control it. You made sure his last minutes were peaceful.”

They had been. Dr. Syn had given Bogart an injection. While I petted him, he hadn't even reacted to the needle. He'd simply drifted away. It was the first time that I'd been with an animal when he was put to sleep. I'd always avoided it at the shelter when we got an animal that was too ill for us to help.

“I think he knew where he was going,” I said. “That he was going to be with Mr. Forrest now.”

“Probably. Dogs can sense things.”

Sitting up, I turned until my knees were almost touching Jeremy's. “I like to control things,” I told him.

“I know.”

“I think because I had no control whatsoever when my dad died. It was such a freak thing, you know? He was just driving along, approaching an overpass where some repair work was being done. . . . He was going to pass under it—and just as he gets there, it collapses. Hits him. Kills him. Instantly they say, but how do they know? And sometimes I think if I hadn't been dragging my feet that
morning when he took me to school, if I hadn't forgotten where I put my backpack, if I'd been ready to leave when he first called for me—he wouldn't have been there at that precise moment.”

Jeremy took the glass from me, set it on a nearby table, then held my hands. “Kendall, if you'd been ready, something else might have delayed him. The line of cars at school where he was dropping you off might have been longer. Maybe he stopped for gas, maybe there was a traffic light. He didn't die because you were searching for your backpack. Just like Bogart didn't die because you brought him to the park today.”

Tears stung my eyes as I nodded. “In my head I know that. But I never misplaced my backpack again. I never misplaced anything again. Until you. I misplaced you.”

“No, you didn't. I'm right here.”

I shook my head. “I tried to control you, make you into what I thought I wanted. You changed and I lost you. You were the one thing that was perfect in my life, the one thing that I shouldn't have tried to control. I miss you so much.”

When we first became friends, I quickly figured out that Kendall had control issues. I'd always found them amusing. I'd had a hint as to what was behind them, but I hadn't realized how deeply they were ingrained. I should have.

“I'm right here,” I repeated.

She slowly shook her head. “Not the Jeremy I fell in love with.”

That hurt. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it did, because it meant she wasn't really seeing me. Or maybe I wasn't seeing me.

“What's different?” I asked.

“Your hair.” She touched it, brushed the strands off my brow.

“Your jaw.” She skimmed her fingers lightly over the brown bristles. I didn't know why my beard was darker
than my hair. She tugged on my shirt. “Your clothes.”

“That's all outside stuff,” I said. “I can change it back.”

“I don't want you to if you like it.”

I did like the longer hair, the not shaving every day, the not worrying if my clothes got wrinkled. But that was just for now, maybe through college.

“When I graduate from college, get a job, it'll all change again,” I told her. “But my appearance isn't really the issue, is it?”

She shook her head. “You stopped texting me throughout the day.”

“And I started messing with other girls.” That was hard to say. Even harder when the words echoed between us, when tears welled in her eyes.

“I never was one of the popular guys,” I told her. “Girls never noticed me. Until you. Then all of a sudden this summer I had their attention. I thought it was cool. But things between us changed before that, Kendall. When you started hinting that I could make improvements about myself. I kept thinking about my parents and wondering if that was how their unhappiness with each other started. They pick at each other. Dad's wearing the wrong tie. Mom colors her hair and it's the wrong shade. Who the hell cares about ties and hair? But suddenly you seemed to care, and it bothered me. I tried not to let it, but it did. Even when you didn't say something point-blank, I began
to feel like you didn't like the way I was.”

“I know.”

I shook my head. “No, you don't. Not really. You were the only one who ever accepted me the way I was.”

“Jeremy—”

I touched my finger to her lips. Lips I'd kissed so many times that I'd lost count, lips I wanted to kiss again. But I had to tell her everything first, had to be honest with her, had to say things I'd never said out loud.

“Anytime my mom gets upset with me, she calls me a ‘mistake.' My dad isn't so blunt, but he's not shy about letting me know when he's disappointed in me. I've tried my entire life to please them. To behave, to get good grades, to dress sharply, to act properly, to be what they want me to be. Then you started asking me to change things. Little things. I told myself they didn't matter.”

I studied the lines on her palm, traced them, as though all the answers were there. “My parents got married right out of high school because my mom was pregnant. They both worked while they were in college, they shared babysitting duties. My dad's a successful lawyer but they fight all the time. I just wish they'd get a divorce, but that wouldn't be good for my dad's image.”

“I didn't know,” she said. “I mean, I knew they were hard on you, but—”

I lifted my gaze to her, and she went silent. “At first,
I didn't mind you suggesting that I change things. I know you like to be in control, but the more you wanted changed, the more I felt like I wasn't what you wanted. That I was about to travel my parents' path of being with someone but wanting someone different. Then we went to that stupid party. Jade and Melody were flirting with me. I thought, ‘They like me the way I am.' And I wanted to be liked the way I am.”

She closed her hands around mine. “Jeremy, I'm so, so sorry.”

I stroked my thumbs over her knuckles. “Here's the thing, Kendall. They don't like me the way I am, because I'm not me when I'm with them. I'm still trying to be what I think they want instead of what I am. The only time I've ever been me is when I'm with you. I miss you, too, babe.”

She released a sob, moved across to sit on my lap, and wound her arms around me. Crying, she held me. I rocked her. It was so good to have her back in my arms.

Now I just had to figure out how to keep her in my life.

As I stood in the shower with the warm water cascading over me, I knew things between Jeremy and me weren't completely patched up. He'd kept his arms around me until I'd stopped crying. I'd been crying for what we'd lost, for hurting him, for thinking so much about what I wanted that I hadn't thought about what he needed.

There was so much more for us to discuss, to work out, but it had been a long day. He'd gone home to clean up. We considered going out to eat, but I was still an emotional wreck, so we decided to eat in. He promised to pick up some Chinese food on the way back over.

I didn't know where we were going to go from here, but at least he was coming back.

I picked up the shampoo, squirted some in my hair, went to set it back into the hanger on the showerhead.
Considered. Put it on the edge of the tub. Started to work up a lather. Stopped. Put the shampoo bottle back where it belonged. Took a deep sigh. Was it really such a bad thing that I liked for everything to have a designated place and to stay there?

I lathered up, rinsed, and turned my thoughts back to Jeremy. I'd told him that he'd changed, had thought he had. But the guy who had shown up at the vet's office, who had been there for me, was the guy I'd fallen in love with. His hair, his clothes didn't define him. The way he cared did. The way he knew when I needed him, the way he knew how I needed him, what I needed him to do.

Today I'd just needed his quiet strength as I said good-bye to Bogart. He hadn't interfered. He hadn't tried to take over. Jeremy didn't need to be in control. It took a lot of strength not to be in control. I wasn't sure I'd ever realized that before.

When I was finished with my shower, I slipped into a pair of soft shorts and a green, lacy T-shirt. Not bothering with shoes, I headed back downstairs, trying not to notice how quiet the house was. Stopping halfway down, I took out my phone, noted the time, and cursed. Bark in the Park would be over. Chase would be heading over here.

I texted:

Sorry. Not in the mood to go out. Had to have Bogart put to sleep.

Chase:

NP. Another time.

NP? No problem? Seriously?

I lowered myself to the steps and stared at his message. I'd lost my dog, and that was his response? He claimed to love animals, to care—

My cell phone dinged.

Chase:

Fletcher won the gun show. Dude had a sponsor. Not fair. We need rules next time.

I couldn't believe it. The guy who claimed to want to date me, to be only a text away, couldn't be bothered to come over and help me grieve, while the guy I'd broken up with was doing everything possible to ease my heart.

I heard a car drive up, looked out the window to see Jeremy arrive. For the first time since I'd lifted Bogart into my arms this afternoon, my heart soared. It felt so good to see him. Not because he was strikingly handsome in his shorts and maroon T-shirt. But just because he was here. I opened the door and smiled in welcome. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Grinning, he held up the bag. “Dinner awaits.”

I wanted to believe everything was back to normal, but I knew it wasn't. Still, it felt like we'd made some progress. So I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. “I'm so glad you're here. Like, you cannot believe how glad.”

“Me too, but I wish the circumstances were different.”

I did, too, but I also wondered at the timing of everything. It was almost like fate. I might have never had Jeremy in my life again if I hadn't had to say good-bye to Bogart.

As we walked into the house, Jeremy put his hand on the small of my back.

“Chase texted me that Fletcher won the gun show,” I told him.

“Yeah, I got a text from Fletch, too. He said Chase was pretty ticked off. Especially since I came in second, even though I left early.”

I stopped walking and faced him. “That's great! If you'd stayed, you might have won.”

“Nah. Fletch had it in the bag. Six three, remember?”

I pressed the flat of my palm to his stomach. “Six-pack.”

He laughed. “Fletch has one of those, too.”

“Avery told me today that you'd been working out.”

“Just crunches, sit-ups, that sort of thing. Nothing much.”

Modest, unassuming. That was the old Jeremy. The one I loved. He'd been lost for a while, but I was so happy to know that he was back.

I started walking forward again. “Should probably go get my car when we finish eating,” I told him.

“If you feel up to it,” he said.

“I think I will.”

We set things up at the counter in the kitchen. Even though I hadn't told him what to order, my favorites were there: sweet-and-sour chicken, egg roll, and fortune cookies. I poured us two glasses of Coke, set them down on the counter, and slipped onto a stool. Picking up my chopsticks—Jeremy and I had taught ourselves how to eat with them—I moved my chicken around.

“Thanks for today,” I said. “Everything, including the gun show.”

“Any idea how much money was raised?” he asked.

“No. Terri did call after you left. She saw me leave in a rush, wanted to know if everything was okay. I told her what happened. That sort of stopped any talk about the events at the park. I'll get the news the next time I go in.”

“You changed your shifts at the shelter,” he said.

I had. I'd started working in the evenings after I walked Bogart, and on Sunday afternoon when I knew the construction crew wouldn't be around. “You noticed.”

“Yeah.” He stirred his General Tso's chicken. “My favorite part of the day was seeing you.”

“My least favorite was seeing you with Jade.”

“You should know that nothing happened between us.” He held my gaze. “A couple of kisses, but nothing more than that.”

“Same thing with me and Chase,” I told him.

“How much do you like him?” he asked. “On a scale of one to ten, with ten being totally in love.”

“Five before today. But then . . .” I showed him the texts.

“That's cold.”

“Yeah. So I might have to drop him to a three. What about Jade?”

“Four.” He furrowed his brow. “Maybe a three. She's a constant flirt, even when she's with someone. I never would have shown interest in her if she hadn't come on to me. I think I was just flattered. Which I'm not particularly proud of.”

I'd only eaten about half my dinner, was actually surprised that I'd eaten that much. I shoved it aside. “I liked that she and Melody thought you were hot. I'm not particularly proud of that.” I pointed to the fortune cookies. “Which one do you want?”

“You always get to choose first.”

“I know, but I'm trying to let some of my control issues go.”

“Don't change, Kendall. I love you just the way you are.”

Tears stung my eyes. “Do you, Jeremy? Do you still love me?”

“I'll always love you. Even if we don't stay together forever.”

“Oh, Jeremy.” I buried my face in my hands, let the tears come.

“Hey,” he cooed as he got up, came around, and held me. “I didn't mean to make you cry.”

“I'm just an emotional mess today,” I said as I sat straighter and swiped at the tears.

“Here.” He nudged a fortune cookie toward me. “Check out your fortune.”

I'd been eyeing the other one, but I was not going to be a control freak about cookies. I opened the packaging, broke the cookie in half, and unrolled the small slip of paper.

HAPPINESS COMES WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

“That's so true,” I said, handing him the fortune. “I wasn't expecting you to kiss me that night we went to the movies without Avery. But when you did, I was so happy.”

“I couldn't believe you were surprised. I'd been thinking about kissing you for weeks.”

“Are you thinking about kissing me now?” I asked.

He nodded. “But I don't know if you want me to, so I need a distraction.” He opened his cookie, smiled, and handed it to me.

NOTHING IS GAINED IF YOU NEVER TAKE A CHANCE.

I looked up at him. Waited. He put his hand on the back of my neck, leaned in.

I held my breath. Closed my eyes. Felt his lips brush
mine like the flutter of butterfly wings before his mouth settled in more firmly. Familiar, yet not. Bolder, but the same. I couldn't explain it. It was as though we'd never kissed before, as though we'd kissed a thousand times.

He drew back. “I want to be with you, Kendall. You and no one else.”

“Jeremy, like I said, I'm an emotional mess. So much has happened today. To be honest, it really hurt to see you with Jade.”

“It hurt to see you with Chase.”

“I'm not going to see him anymore.”

“I'm not going to see Jade anymore. I'm not going to flirt with other girls. You have to know, Kendall, that the one thing that didn't change was how much I love you. I want to be with you.”

“I want to be with you, too. Will you stay with me tonight?” I didn't want to be alone. I knew if I called my mom she would come home, but I didn't want that, either. I wanted to be mature, strong, and independent. But it would be easier if Jeremy were here.

“I wasn't planning on going anywhere.”

We cleaned the kitchen, put our leftovers away in case we got hungry later. Then we went to get my car. We were quiet as we drove over to the vet's. My chest tightened as we pulled into the lot.

“Why don't you drive my car back?” Jeremy said.

“Yeah, okay.” I handed him my keys, grateful that he understood I wasn't quite ready to be in my car yet. It had been Bogart's final ride.

Jeremy followed me. We were partway home when he flashed his brights. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw him pull into a car wash. I made a U-turn at the next intersection and returned to the car wash. I waited while he cleaned the inside of the car, then the outside.

It was so Jeremy to take care of something that he knew would be difficult for me. When we got home, he came over to me, handed me my keys, didn't say anything about what he'd done.

It had been a long day. It was late. When we got inside, I set the alarm, took Jeremy's hand, and led him upstairs to my room. Lying on my bed, I pulled him down beside me. His arms came around me, and I snuggled against his chest.

“The house is so quiet,” I said, my voice low.

“I could sing.”

“Don't take this wrong, but I've heard you sing.”

He chuckled low. “Yeah, it's pretty bad.”

“But I do appreciate the offer.”

We were quiet for several minutes before I said, “Now that you've been at it for a while, how do you like construction?”

“Looking forward to being a lawyer. Construction is hot and hard.”

“That should make your dad happy.”

“Happy is not in his wheelhouse, but he'll be relieved. Until he realizes I'm not going to work for his law firm.”

“Isn't it a little soon to decide that?”

“Nope. The one thing I have realized is that I like not having to deal with him all day. Not facing the pressure of having to please him has made working so much better.” He skimmed his fingers over my arm. “Still going to be a vet?”

“Absolutely.” I pressed my hand to his chest. “Why does it seem like we've been apart forever?”

“I don't know. But I feel the same way.”

“Doesn't it make you worry that we're wrong for each other?”

“We're only wrong for each other if we let ourselves be,” he said.

I rose up on my elbow so I could see him more clearly. I sifted my fingers through his hair. Then I lowered my mouth to his.

Mom wasn't coming home. We weren't in a cramped car. We were together. I knew that we weren't going to go any further than this. I was feeling vulnerable, raw. I think he was, too. We'd made some mistakes, but I believed we
were willing to work through them.

Still, it was scary to think about, to consider.

Things had gotten out of whack so quickly before.

But it was reassuring to have Jeremy with me now, tonight, when I needed him the most.

Breaking off from the kiss, I snuggled against him, inhaling his familiar scent. We talked about things we wanted to do before we left for college. Summer had passed so quickly, more quickly than I'd expected.

I drifted off to sleep with him holding me.