The Boys of Summer (38 page)

He’d lost his best friend, and it was all
because of me.

“How were you supposed to know? We hadn’t
told anyone. And now you guys are fighting … Sean, I’m so
sorry.”

Sean grabbed my hand. “Hey! Don’t you dare
say you’re sorry, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was,” I said.

“You’d have to be blind not to know Toby
liked you. It was me, I shouldn’t have crossed the line.”

I sighed. “Well, it hardly matters what his
feelings
were
, anymore. It’s pretty clear what they are
now.”

“He’ll come around,” Sean said, but he didn’t
sound convinced.

“Before or after he moves away?”

“In his defense, he took the job way before
you came around.”

“Is that why he broke up with Angela? Because
he was moving away?”

Sean watched me for a long time, as if
gauging whether or not I was serious.

I was deadly serious.

He stood, tossing a couple of ten dollar
notes by our bill.

Was he going to answer?

After a second, Sean sighed. “It was you,
Tess. He broke up with Ang because he was falling for you.” He
patted my head and walked out the door.

Toby had broken up with Angela to be with me.
I felt worse than ever.

Two weeks. Nothing.

It was over. It was really over. I had
surpassed the tears, the anxiety attacks and churned it into
resignation. Though it had felt like so much more at the time, I
had had my first summer fling. Toby would go to his new job, I
would go back to school and normal life would start all over
again.

I searched desperately for a silver lining;
if Toby moved away I wouldn’t be forced to see him with someone
else, and if he wasn’t around, I would find it easier to get over
him.

Ellie even offered her own words of wisdom:
“I think the fact that he took it so badly is a real testament to
how much he liked you.”

I curved a sceptical brow. “Grasping at
straws much?”

I dragged my raggedy soul through Christmas,
offering forced, half-hearted smiles and false cheer over the
festive season. Work at the café and hotel was extra difficult. I
was forced to be pleasant as I served the never-ending mass of
customers. I’d sucked it up as much as I could, though, because I
could sense Mum and Dad catching on to my despair.

I’d almost convinced myself that I would be
okay as long as I could fake it. But then Ellie and Adam’s parents
came over for a BBQ; the forceful smiles and laughter was
exhausting.

Adam perched himself on the island bench
while I washed dishes in the kitchen.

There was a sense of great unease between us.
It was all me. I couldn’t let my guard down; I was afraid of
letting down that barrier, of exposing my soft underbelly I fought
so hard to keep hidden. I was tired, so tired of the way my insides
ached.

I felt Ellie press beside me as she took the
plate and washcloth from me.

“I don’t think you can get that any cleaner,
you know. You’ve been washing it for the past ten minutes.” She
smiled at me with that sad, sympathetic smile.

I flicked a bashful gaze at Adam who was
looking at me as if waiting for me to crumble at any moment.

Ellie took over the dishes. She seemed
nervous. Maybe it was me; things were strained between the three of
us lately, and I knew it was my fault.

Adam sighed. “Just tell her, Ellie.”

My head shot around to face her, suddenly
alert.

“What? Tell me what?” I said, my eyes darting
from Adam to Ellie and back again. “What are you talking
about?”

Ellie placed the dish in the drainer and
faced me as she dried her hands.

“They’re having a farewell party for Toby
tomorrow night.”

She swallowed deeply, her eyes flicked
nervously to Adam. “It’s at Stan’s shed, so you don’t have to worry
about running into him at the hotel …” She broke off.

“But we’re not going, right, Ellie?” Adam
added.

Ellie shook her head violently. “Of course
not.”

My sweet, foolish friends. I smiled sadly out
through the kitchen window. It was blindingly bright outside, a
beautiful, sunny day. The blue sky blurred in my vision. I shifted
and anchored myself to clasp the sink and avoid my friends’ pity.
My tear-filled gaze rested on the towering Ghost gum near our
driveway, where it cast a shadow over our sunburnt lawn.

I remembered the day we stood on the front
lawn, the same kind of sunny afternoon when Toby gave me a lift
home from Horseshoe Bend. So many times I wanted to step over that
line, not thinking how it could change everything, alter our newly
formed friendship; if only I hadn’t made that stupid bet, what
would have happened then? Toby and I would be speaking, Sean and
Toby would still be best mates. I would probably be going to Stan’s
tomorrow night to say goodbye to him, to wish him a happy life.
Knowing what I did now, would I have changed a thing? Would I have
taken back the feel of his hands on my skin? The linger of his soft
lips on mine, the way he could bring me undone in ways I had never
known I could feel?

No. I wouldn’t change a thing. I couldn’t
regret what we had, our days in the sun, our nights in each other’s
arms, I could never regret or give those memories up. And that was
what they were now – just memories.

It was truly the end. As if the knowledge
slammed into me, my guard shattered and I cupped my face into my
hands, sobbing with such force my entire body shook. I felt the
circling of a pair of arms and then another, stroking my hair, my
back. Adam and Ellie were there when I fell, like always. Ellie
rubbed my back and cried with me, Adam pressed his lips to my
temple and hushed me with words of comfort.

It was over; with a bone-jarring certainty, I
finally accepted it was over.

***

The next day was a Friday night, the night of
the party for Toby, and Adam and Ellie took me out for dinner.
Though they didn’t say as much, I knew it was to cheer me up. I
could, of course, think of other places to eat than the Onslow, but
Adam was keen to play pool and listen to some tunes, so who was I
to rain on his parade? After my breakdown yesterday, I wanted to
redeem myself by ending the awkwardness that existed between me,
Ellie and Adam. The summer hadn’t exactly gone as planned, so
tonight was more about recapturing the essence of our friendships,
and less about my misery.

Just make it through one more night of
faking it
, I told myself. It would get easier, surely?

I asked Mum to drop me off right out the
front of the Onslow.

What did I care if my parents gave me a lift?
My days of making grand entrances and tracking up that bloody hill
were over. A lot of things were over.

Adam was sitting at the picnic table out the
front when we pulled up, watching Ellie pace back and forth in
front of him. As I neared, my movement caught their attention. I
flashed them my best smile. I could do this. It would be fine. My
smile slowly evaporated as I took in their anxious eyes that darted
to each other, then both at me.

“Ah, Tess,” Ellie said, “you’re here.” She
stopped pacing, but still wrung her hands anxiously. “How about we
go get some Chinese at the Golden Dragon?” She walked briskly
towards me. Adam stood, nodding his head as if it was the greatest
idea in the world.

“Chinese? But what about playing pool?” I
turned to Adam.

“Yeah, well, you know, with my history I
should probably steer clear of pool tables.” Adam linked his arm
with mine and led me towards Coronary Hill, Ellie scurrying along
behind. Was I being frog marched down the hill?

“What’s wrong with …” I stopped dead in my
tracks, and Ellie slammed into me from my sudden stop.

Toby’s ute was in the car park, along with
Ringer’s, Amanda’s … everyone was here. How had I not seen
them?

“I thought you said Toby’s farewell party was
at Stan’s tonight.”

“Yes, well, it seems tradition dictates that
they have a few here, before heading to the party.” Ellie
grimaced.

Of course it did.

“I’m sorry, Tess, we honestly didn’t think
they’d be here.” Adam touched my shoulder. “Come on, let’s go.”

“No!” I said. “I’m not leaving. I came here
to have dinner and play pool, why should I leave just because of
him?”

From the looks on their faces, Ellie and Adam
thought I was out of my mind; they probably thought I was on the
brink of another hysterical breakdown like last night. I cringed at
the memory.

“Tess, do you really think that’s such a good
idea?” Ellie asked.

I rolled my eyes. “They don’t own the place.
Besides, we’re all mature adults. We can be in the same
building.”

“But the same room?” Ellie said, biting her
bottom lip.

“You sure?” Adam asked, like he wasn’t buying
my bravado for one second.

“I’m sure!” I spun around and stomped back
towards the Onslow. As I closed the distance, as coming face to
face with Toby again became an impending reality, I lost all my
nerve. I was so completely and utterly unsure. My heart raced so
fast I could feel the deepening thrums pulsing in my ears. What the
hell was I doing? Was I crazy?

I took a deep, shaky breath as my hand
splayed against the front door, ready to press it open with that
familiar screech. I paused outside, staring at the timber, the only
thing that separated me from the inside – from Toby.

“Tess?” Adam’s voice pressed against my right
ear, I could feel his hand on my shoulder. “We don’t have to …” And
before Adam finished his sentence, I pushed the door open, flooding
the main bar with sunlight.

Distant laughter filtered through the thin
walls of the poolroom into the restaurant.

The bass beat of the jukebox thumped loudly,
disturbing the calming musical stylings of Enya that played from
the speakers where we sat in the dining room.

Adam quirked a brow over his menu. “Enya?
Seriously? Oh, Uncle Eric, I’m appalled.”

I shrugged. “Blame your Aunty Claire.”

Adam raised a sceptical brow. “Aunty Claire
is never here.”

All our gazes turned from our menus towards
the bar where Uncle Eric stood whistling animatedly while he brewed
a coffee. Adam shook his head. “And here I thought Uncle Eric was
more of an AC/DC fan, but Enya?”

We cast knowing smiles at one another as our
eyes flicked back to our menus. An old familiarity settled over us.
The same effortless, friendly banter flowed like it did before the
summer had begun, before Adam was sent away, before everything
turned to shit. Well, mostly everything.

“So are you going to see Stan tonight?” I
asked Ellie as I poured a glass of water from the carafe.

The simple enough question seemed to unease
Ellie. “Ah, no, not tonight. Tonight is
our
night.”

It was meant to be a touching sentiment, but
I could tell there was no conviction behind the statement. Though
she tried to disguise it, she was disappointed she wouldn’t be
seeing Stan, which was stupid because he was only a room away in
the poolroom. All through dinner, I tried not to think about the
fact that Toby was in there, so agonisingly close. When we’d walked
through the front door, none of us glanced over there. I didn’t
even know if Toby knew I was in the building. We had simply veered
sharply right and headed for the restaurant.

I looked at my two best friends: Ellie
desperate to see Stan and Adam pining every time he heard the crack
of the cue against the billiard balls. Instead of me faking it
tonight, they were faking it, as well. They were putting on brave
faces to cheer me up, to make it all about me, courtesy of my
Toby-fuelled mini breakdown. They were such good friends. The
best.

Enough was enough. I was a good friend, too.
If I couldn’t suck it up for one night, perhaps the last night I
would ever be in the same room with Toby again, then I was just a
coward and a shitty friend, too.

I pushed my chair back and stood up. “Let’s
go.”

Adam frowned. “Where to?”

“I’m going to kick your arse on the pool
table.”

A wicked grin formed across Adam’s face as he
turned to eye Ellie. She straightened in her seat.

Adam nodded his approval. “That a girl.”

We left our table and rounded the corner to
the poolroom.
Okay, no biggie, I could do this. They didn’t own
the place and besides, they were probably gone, on their way to the
party at Stan’s by now and the poolroom would be ours for the
taking.

Oh fuck.

The Onslow Boys were very much in the
poolroom, ever present. Sean, Stan and Ringer stood around the pool
table, cues in their hands. Toby stood alone, flipping through the
song selections at the jukebox.

He looked good.

It had been two whole weeks, yet my
traitorous heart still skipped a beat. The very sight of him turned
my thoughts into mush, and my body into a heightened state of
long-suffering desire. I tried to remind myself that what I now
suffered was what I had always known – unrequited love from afar.
But it was just that much harder, having had it and lost.

When Toby saw me, there was no surprise, no
emotion at all. It was as if he saw straight through me.

This was a bad idea.

The other Onslow Boys were their usual
jovial, easygoing selves. Stan’s eyes lit up as soon as he spotted
Ellie; ditching his pool cue, he made his way over, pulling her
into a big bear hug. Ringer shook Adam’s hand, and they started up
their own conversation. But I was distracted as one song ended and
a new one began: Marvin Gaye’s, ‘Heard it Through the
Grapevine’.

Smart arse.

I watched as Toby turned back around to the
jukebox and flicked through to select another song.

The atmosphere in the room was tense. Usually
Sean would make fun of someone, we’d all have a laugh and it would
be over. But not tonight. Sean raised his eyebrows in my direction
when the song started up, but aside from that tiny gesture, he
focused on his conversation with Ringer and Adam on pool tactics.
Sean restricted himself to banter with his mates rather than be too
openly friendly to me like he would have in the past. Much like the
summer holidays, everything I had known with the Onslow Boys was
drawing to an end; in a few weeks, I would be back at school and my
part-time work at the Onslow would be over.