The Child Whisperer (51 page)

How Your Religious Culture
May Be Wounding Your Child

A
s a parent, you may want to pass on your religious experience or spiritual orientation to your children. You want them to be happy with a belief system you have found beneficial in your own life. If that’s the case for you, it’s time to consider how you can influence your child’s religious experience to be supportive to their true nature. If you do not make accommodations for their particular needs and motivations, or your child feels judged for their true nature, they may decide to reject what you are sharing without understanding what it is they are rejecting.

Use your Child Whisperer skills to consider what your child needs at church or in the religious atmosphere in your home that they are not currently getting.

Type 1
: These children need fun. They need their spiritual experience to feel light and free, and this includes their experience at church. This does not mean you need to let them run everywhere whenever they want. If you ask them to be quiet, turn it into a game or a time to imagine with you. Above all, make sure the experience feels light and inspiring to them.

Type 2
: These children are highly intuitive and are often pretty connected to the spiritual aspect of life. If they are resistant to settings where they can have those experiences, they may be resistant for emotional reasons. How do their teachers or other adults at church treat them? Are they ever put in a position where they’re on the spot? Do they feel emotionally safe with their peers to express their feelings? Check in with how they feel about spiritual matters.

Type 3
: Type 3 children who like to go, go, go, often do not find an experience supportive to their needs in a church, as it usually often involves a lot of sitting and listening. You can give your child things to do with their hands during meetings. Don’t worry that they are not listening because they switch focus erratically and can move forward several things at once. You can suggest to the teacher of your child’s class to give them little projects to do during class to keep their hands busy.

Type 4
: These children are capable of sitting still for the longest amount of time, which is often conducive to a church experience. If they respect the authority of the rules they find in the religion, they will want to follow them with unwavering devotion. As they grow, this can become frustrating, as they will never do everything perfectly. Help your child give themselves some leeway in following the rules, otherwise they may abandon their spiritual pursuits altogether. Type 4s are also the most reflective and deep-thinking about their personal belief and value system. Respect them for that and help them find the truths that support them in having a beautiful spiritual experience in life.

For all 4 Types
: Getting your child to stay quiet in church is one thing. Supporting them in creating a unique spiritual experience and feeling a connection with a higher power is another. If your child’s church or religious experience is supportive to their nature and they feel honored in living true to themselves, your child will be more likely to search out true principles for themselves and live true to their highest self.

What About Labels?

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would like to address any concerns you may have about labeling your child as a certain Type. We use labels to make sense of this world. We give names to things so that we can understand and talk about them. As people, we do this naturally and constantly, so the very act of labeling is not a problem. The labels only become a problem when they limit children, rather than support them.

Many labels cause problems for children—labels such as hyperactive, shy, rebellious, or bossy. Your children will fulfill those negative perceptions. If you feel negatively about your children, they will sense that energy from you, and together, you will end up creating a pattern in your relationship that you don’t want.

As a Child Whisperer, you can use the Energy Profiling model as a tool to help you recognize your child’s greatest strengths and talk about them in a way that your child understands. By understanding your child’s Type, you also understand their primary motivations, greatest needs, and innate natural movement. We are already labeling our children’s behavior anyway. Why not do so in a way that empowers and frees them?

Your Sneaky Negative Perceptions

Some of our negative perceptions of our children are not so obvious. Because parents love their children, and deep down they want the best for their children, they may not even realize the negative messages they sometimes send.

You can zero in on the negative perceptions you didn’t even know you had about your child, just by paying attention to the words you use. The way you talk about your children creates your experience with them. So stop and consider what you say in these three particular situations that may be damaging your relationship with your child:

1. What you say about them when you’re upset.

In the heat of the moment, our most negative judgments often rise to the surface. What you say during those moments of anger reveals a lot about what you actually believe about your child. And those words will stick with your child for years to come. If you find yourself making judgments about who your child is when you’re upset, clear those negative beliefs away during times of peace. If you don’t have those sorts of negative judgments anymore, they won’t come out inadvertently.

2. What you say about them when they’re not around.

Do you complain about your children when they’re not around? This can be an indication that you have not taken care of yourself the way you need to—and you’re taking it out on your children. This energy can damage a parent-child relationship and make your children feel like burdens, rather than the gifts that they are. Go take care of yourself and stop putting that strain on your child.

3. What you repeat from your own childhood.

If you were silenced, belittled, or shamed as a child for who you are, you may re-create that pattern in your child’s experience in surprising ways. Do you ever hear yourself say hurtful or irritating things that your parents said to you (especially things you promised yourself you would never say)? You will usually repeat patterns that are familiar to you unless you consciously choose to change them. It is important that you choose to create a healthy pattern today and work to make it become familiar in your life.

Child Whisperer Tip:
When you recognize your negative patterns or energies with your children, go to them and acknowledge it. Have a private conversation with your child—or each of your children, if you have more than one. State your intention to change the pattern and make things right with them.

You can give your child the voice you felt you didn’t have by empowering them with words that you both agree on. For example, I encouraged my children to use this phrase with me: “Mom, please change your tone.” I told them that they could use it whenever they felt that my own active nature was pushing them too much or being too reactive. It was a cue for me that my children were not feeling honored and I needed to stop what I was doing and reevaluate.

Whatever words or phrases you choose, practice together in a moment of peace and ease. Help them feel like they have permission to speak up and use words that help you to honor them for who they are. When your children feel they have a voice in the relationship, you will find that any negative perceptions you might have of them are less likely to take hold for very long.

As soon as you change your perception of your child to a more positive one, you will find that the relationship naturally becomes more positive and mutually supportive.

The Top 5 Things I Did
That I Am Really Proud of as a Parent

N
ow that you know what you do about Child Whispering, you may have a similar response to parents I have already heard from. Many of them wish they had known about Energy Profiling when their children were very young so they wouldn’t have made the mistakes that they did.

I developed Energy Profiling after my children had already grown through most of the stages of development I have discussed in this book, so I understand that feeling. Are there things I would have done differently had I known? Yes. Are there things I know better now? Absolutely.

Yes, I would have done some things differently. But there are some things that I am really proud of as a parent. Before I share some of the most common mistakes, I want to reassure you that you are doing great. And I’d like you to consider your current successes.

These are five things I’m most proud of as a parent. As you read, pay attention to your own inspiration about the wonderful things you’re already doing right.

The Top 5 Things I’m Happy That I Did as a Parent

1.
I was accountable.

Above all, I was willing to see my own error and dysfunction. I was willing to own up to it all, and willing to heal it as I became aware. I never excused myself as a parent just because I was a parent.

In my opinion, many parents have given themselves a little too much room to excuse themselves with the statement, “Because I’m the parent.” Our children are subordinate until they are old enough to get out on their own. But that’s not a good enough reason to exert our authority over them. Being accountable as a parent and communicating your genuine desire to change for the better is the number one thing you can do to heal any past conflict with your child and create a healthy relationship moving forward.

. . . .

MY STORY

Becoming an Accountable Parent

In my late 20s, I started to recognize that I really needed to make some changes or I would pass on dysfunction to my young children. That realization was the catalyst for me getting into the field of personal development. Issues and emotions had become very distorted and misunderstood in my life. I started talk therapy, which helped me see my own actions more clearly. I participated in a 12-step program for just over two years, which made me accountable to other women who were also facing challenges. I then became a follower of John Bradshaw’s work. I still use the concepts and methodology from Healing the Inner Child to help others heal their inner children.

In all, I put myself in programs and in places where I held myself accountable and I had to share with others how I was doing. As dysfunction became apparent, I cleared it, which helped me become a better person and a better parent at the same time.

. . . .

Child Whisperer Tip:
Do not let guilt or embarrassment prevent you from becoming an accountable parent. You can acknowledge your own accountability to your children, but don’t make it your children’s job to keep you accountable. Show them that we all have the ability to change and get better, but don’t make them hold you to it. That’s just one more way of avoiding true accountability.

Don’t ask your spouse to hold you accountable either. They have their own issues to be accountable for and you don’t want to create any resentment. Choose a supportive third party. All you need is the intention to find support and support will show up.

2.
I didn’t hold onto guilt.

When I did make mistakes, I didn’t hold onto guilt after it had done its job. Guilt has value. It can be used as a mechanism to help us recognize the need for change. That’s what I used it for. And then I let it go and didn’t hang it over myself.

Guilt can also be used as a false belief that limits you. When you get stuck in that kind of guilt you feel bad and worthless.

I couldn’t function at a high level of confidence as a parent if I felt bad and guilty all the time. If I had, my children would have had to live with me in that energy. That energy binds children energetically and I didn’t want them growing up in that energy. Learn from your choices. Let guilt be a mechanism to get your attention. And then let it go.

3.
I chose to be the creator of my life.

I recognized in my early 20s that I depended on my doings to feel a sense of worth. That foundation began to crumble in my early parenting years. I remember sitting alone, feeling regretful, when the thought came to me, “You will always be you. You might as well learn to be your own best friend and love yourself.” I knew that’s what I had to accomplish and I worked with persistence to let go of all the conditioning that had led me to that place.

I knew that I wanted my children to experience true self-confidence, rather than a false sense of confidence through their life doings. Through my experience of clearing away my own limiting beliefs, I learned to speak in affirmations and my children did not hear me compromise myself in the way I talked about myself. I definitely experienced my own self-doubts and limiting beliefs, but I worked on them for myself. I did not put myself down in front of my children and did not hold them responsible to take care of me. I took responsibility to create my life myself.

4.
I taught all this to my children.

I taught my own children accountability. I taught them not to get stuck in guilt. And I taught them how to be creators of their life. My own children are currently creating incredible lives, true to their natures. And I am so proud of them.

5.
I raised my children to be friends.

I truly believe that my parents did the best they knew how and I am so grateful to them for it. But I was not raised to be my brothers’ friend. Now that my brothers and I are adults, we are cooperative and we hold a respect for each other. But I yearned to be good friends with them as we grew up. I saw that as a possibility for my own children and from the early years of my parenthood, I set this intention: “I am raising my children to be best friends.”

You can do this for your own children, but you can’t force it. You must hold the intention and then allow it. Opportunities will then present themselves to form lasting relationships of friendship between your children.

To foster friendship between siblings, I taught my own children to never speak ill of each other. Using hostile humor and sarcasm toward each other was not allowed because it was not honoring. We also took road trips together when they were little, which allowed them to work out their issues, work on their friendships, and experience opportunities to have fun together.

At the time of this writing, three of my children work for us. Their spouses also work for us. And even when they’re finished with work, where they’ve spent a lot of time together, they still get together. They have their own friends, but they are also each others’ go-to friends for social experiences. As a parent, I am delighted that they enjoy one another’s company and that they look to one another as true friends.

Bonus:
I took care of myself.

As a mother, I took care of myself. I liked a clean home, so I hired someone to clean. As a determined Type 3, I needed to get lots of things done, so I hired younger girls to come in and play with my children while I was there. What do you need as a parent? You might need time to just let down to do something that’s gratifying. Give yourself that time and recognize that your child’s life experience doesn’t have to all come from you. You can’t meet everyone’s needs because you don’t have all the dominant energetic expressions. Don’t strain your energy. Take care of yourself and you’ll better take care of your children.

Your Successes as a Parent

These are just five of many things you may already be doing right as a parent. I personally believe that they are five of the most important. There are others, depending on your situation and your relationship with your child. It would be fabulous for all of us to know that we are really good parents. I want you to believe that about yourself because if you believe that, you’ll create it. Recognize all the success you’ve already experienced!

What are you proud of as a parent? Write them here and appreciate them: