The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (37 page)

classmates and buddies from high school and/or college

the folks you go dancing with

fellow jocks from your weekend teams

people from your past who helped make you the person you are: your favorite teacher, doctor, musical instructor, football coach, spiritual adviser

friends from out of town

friends from your religious organization or support groups

Now put both of your lists together and count. (Don't forget the clergyperson and everyone in your wedding party—see chapter nine, “Standing on Ceremony.”) The refrain “Oh my God! We'll never be able to fit them all in!” may be heard at this point. It's time for a dose of reality. Consider the following questions:

Are you planning on having all guests attend both the ceremony and the reception? You don't have to invite everyone to both functions.

What have you realistically budgeted for food and drink? This often ends up determining the fate of many “borderline” people.

How big is the space that you will be using? (Sardines are not happy wedding guests.)

How out are you to the people on your list? And are they supportive of your relationship? (Think about it this way: if you were invited to their wedding, would you feel comfortable bringing your boyfriend? How about dancing with him?)

Remember that weddings are truly primal rituals and set off chains of chaos in even the most stable of family units.

At the risk of sounding like pop psychologist Dr. Phil, know that even if you don't invite your family, they are still members of the wedding: in their absence, they are present. If there's one thing we've learned through our research on this subject, it's
that there's just no predicting the reactions when the favorite son announces, “Mom, Dad… John and I are going to get married.” And what about the rest of your family of origin—siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on? We've formulated a few guidelines for you to ponder:

Shana and Louise invited all their family members, because they just knew they'd refuse to show. Shana, however, made a slight miscalculation: two of her cousins from out of state decided the wedding was a great excuse to visit California. Shana was never that close to them to begin with. She ended up being very uncomfortable during the ceremony, which in turn made Louise uncomfortable. Although you'll probably find that many of those you invite from out-of-town will not be able to attend, don't invite them with that in mind, or you may be sorry.

Sometimes family members reluctantly agree to show up because they want to be supportive, but in truth they don't feel entirely comfortable. If you sense that this will be the case with your family, talk it over with them. Tell them that you appreciate their good wishes and vote of support, but give them an out: suggest that instead of attending, they may want to give a dinner party in your honor. If after your talk they say they wouldn't think of missing the ceremony, believe them, and count yourself blessed.

Antonio told us that he didn't invite his four brothers “because we've never really seen eye to eye on my sexuality, even though we do love each other. I assumed that they would be uncomfortable at the wedding. I invited my sister and told her not to tell them. Well, she leaked it, and they still haven't forgiven me for not inviting them.” Decide whether to invite people based on whether
you
will be comfortable with them, but don't decide for them that
they'll
be uncomfortable.

Let's say your older brother is the Prince of Denial, and although he knows you're gay, he refuses to acknowledge your partner. By sending him a wedding invitation, you are making a political statement. You're telling him that your committed relationship is not something you're ashamed of. Maybe, just maybe, this will help him to understand. And if he doesn't “get it” right away, your act may help him, over the coming years, to view your relationship with more legitimacy.

If you really want Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethel to be there, invite them. What are you really worried about anyway? Do you think they'll giggle when you kiss? If they're open enough to the idea and love you enough to come, chances are they'll
have the time of their lives. And Aunt Ethel will love dancing with your best man… or even with your maid of honor!